Our Case Gets Handed Off

As a reminder, this occurred in the past - we are now to May 2011.


We were set.  As a team, we knew what was going to be asked and what everyone was going to say.  I was certain all would be taken care of today.  With the addition of SH, Ellie's lawyer, we were now meeting before the court time.  I was thrilled.  I enjoyed the pre-court talks.  SH, JR (Ellie's therapist) and I met at 9 at Starbucks.  DH, my lawyer met us at 9:30 just as we were getting ready to enter the courtroom.  The talks were basically a reality check.  I was told time and again that it really didn't matter what we were going to say, odds are that the Judge already has made his decision.  How horrifying.

So, all the work didn't matter.

Forget about the work... let's talk about the reality not mattering.

I felt like I was on an uphill climb with this Judge.  If he already has his mind made up, where would we get?

The day was expensive as well.  I was paying for 2 lawyers - mine and Ellie's, as well as her therapist to be there.  By this time, I could have bought a small island.  Each time we went to court with both lawyers the bills were outrageous.

If it worked and all came out best for Ellie, the money didn't matter, but the more we were spinning our wheels, the more frustrating it became.

********

Dressed in my "lawyer" suit, I walked in with my super-team.  We had met the Detective and the DHS worker at the courtroom.  We were immediately asked to leave.  The Judge wanted to see my lawyer, DR, Ellie's lawyer, SH, and DP's lawyer, JPB, in chambers.  So, there I sat, DP and his gang, his ex-girlfriend, her husband, her mom and sister, in the corner of my eye.  I sat with Ellie's therapist and she tried to get my mind off of what was happening.  I didn't feel good about it.  Why did he want to see everyone in chambers? 

Several minutes passed and I saw DR and SH approach me.  DR explained that the Judge did not want to hear anything today.  

I stopped listening and tears filled my eyes.  This circus was never going to end.  It had now been going on nearly a year (and that is just from the sexual abuse... in reality we had been in and out of court for 7 years!).  

DR explained that the Judge was did not want to make any decisions in this case anymore.  He felt as if he had messed up already and was going to pass it on to someone else.  Her name was CS.  She is a behavioral psychologist and would take the case from her.  I had heard about her when things started getting bad with Ellie.  We almost went and saw her, but opted for Ellie's current therapist instead because of cost and wait.  The plan was the she would interview me, DP and Ellie (each separately) and from that either suggest/require additional therapy or make a decision.  We would go back in November and tell the Judge what we had found.  

The cost of her services would be split.  And she wouldn't start until she had $500 from each of us.  That got us about 3 hours.  One for DP, one for Ellie and one for me.  

*******

Up til this point I had received only $80 for Child Support.  That was all.  All of these years.  He had worked under the table at several places and told his lawyer that he was working, but no money ever came to me.  He was (is) also responsible for 1/2 of Ellie's medical bills, which, by this time had really added up.  I didn't necessarily want his money, but it is just another example of how messed up our system is.  How could he afford an attorney and yet not pay child support to his daughter?  Not help pay medical bills for her? All of it was nearly too much to take.  

*******

The court document didn't get signed by JR until mid-July and then JPB didn't actually turn the paper over to CS until mid-August.  So, we got a couple of months of doing nothing, which we both appreciated.  When I heard that CS had the document, I paid my $500 and waited. 

*******

Ellie was settling into 2nd grade fairly well.  But, the school year was not without incident.  On the first day of school, the counselor asked if I had updated paperwork.  I needed to provide the correct documents that kept Ellie safe at school should DP try to skirt the system and see her there. The documents said he wasn't allowed on school grounds or to see/take Ellie.  I was thankful they were in place. 

Of course the need for up-to-date paperwork freaked me out.  The reality was that the paperwork they had said he was not allowed "until further notice." Their feelings were that that was vague and they needed more. I didn't have more.  Nor did the court provide more. That was what stood.  Of course I had to get SH, Ellie's attorney involved.  But, once they spoke, things were fine. 

Otherwise, Ellie continued to thrive in school. She was great at home too.  Though she had her ups and downs. Mostly she just wanted things to have an ending.  Though we weren't doing much with the law, the thought of all going on with DP was never far from either of our minds.  

Ellie had problems going down certain streets because they reminded her of DP.  She would be in the back shielding her face from everything and I would remember that I had crossed a line.  It was sad. 

She was invited to a friend’s birthday party and it happened to be at a bowling alley that she and DP had been to before, we must have sat in the car for 40 minutes before she got brave enough to go inside.  She just couldn’t beat those demons.  How could I ever blame her?

To see that pain, that deep seeded pain, was tragic.  It ripped my heart out every single time.  She was so stoic.  So much bravery in that tiny body.  I was beyond impressed with her every day.

**********

November 16^th: Court date.

I put on my “lawyer suit.” 

Ellie’s therapist, her lawyer and my lawyer were on my team.  We, again, were ready.

I had paid my half or the money.  DP had not.  I was certain this would be it.  I was certain he would be in contempt of court.  Perry Mason, one hour, in and out and done.

Again, the system floored me. 

Court: Twice in One Week

Visits with Ellie went well on Sunday.  She, again, was okay.  She had figured out which of the boys “played nicely” and which didn’t.  She was now allowed to shut her room door, which occurred after being there a couple days.  We had only planned on her staying a couple nights, so I had to bring extra clothes with me.  No one was talking about her getting out just yet.

I knew as soon as Monday hit I would be knee deep in legal bullshit.  I was not looking forward to it. 

After nearly 7 years in the game, I was right. 

The day started with my lawyer calling to check in on Ellie.  Further she had sent an email that was intended to “patch things up” after my explosion with DP and L on Sunday and that was fine with me.  Third, she told me that DP was putting up a fight about Ellie getting her own lawyer.  And we had to be in court Tuesday. 

Tell me which show this happens on.  Is this the longer version of Law and Order that I never did see? Was there a Perry Mason summer that I missed because I remember watching every episode in the summers with my dad.  You are going to deny your daughter a lawyer?  My lawyer had never heard of anyone have to appear in court for this.  But, well, welcome to my court case.

From what I understand of the law in Oregon, and perhaps it is so elsewhere as well, if a child requests a lawyer, they get one.  Period.  End of story. 

So why would we be appearing? And why now?

Alas…

I tried to function best I could, working in the hours I wasn’t with her and visiting when I was allowed.  She missed Bell, missed me, but never once asked about coming home.  It broke my heart.  But, now, I know she was where she needed to be. 

The nurses and doctors there were so fantastic.  I adored each and every one of them and they adored my daughter.  I got compliments on her behavior each time I went.   I also got so much insight into what was going on in her head.  The days there were so good for her.

It was one of the hardest, if not the hardest times in my life. 

I remember feeling so lost.  So heavy.  So sad. 

It was hard because the question was constantly asked, “why” did the judge make these ridiculous decisions leading up to Ellie being where she was.  I, of course, had asked those same questions time and again.  But things shifted in my mind.  It no longer became about asking why.   The reality was we were here.  And we would never know why.  We needed to face the reality and try to move on.  It was a huge mental shift for me. 

It also became a reason I couldn’t talk to really anyone.  I didn’t want to hear the question of “why.” I had no answer.  I just knew Ellie was in a very bad place emotionally.  One that I never saw for my daughter.  And, now was the time to figure out what the next step was.

I had to contact the school and let them know Ellie would be out for a bit.  It was the little things that proved the hardest this week. 

Tuesday morning was time for a court appearance, while my daughter was still in the hospital, and a time to go face to face with the two men, I believe put her there.  DP and the judge.  The question before us was did Ellie deserve to have her own lawyer.  By all accounts there was nothing saying she shouldn’t.  It should be a pretty straight forward court visit.  Just, as the others, costly.

My stomach turned as I was back in the place I hated so much.  I saw DP and his posse – L, JH, her husband SH and now JH’s sister, KH. 

The “honorable Judge R” came out and we were seated.  He quickly started things by saying he had heard about the current state of things and he was sorry to hear about how things were.  He did not make eye-contact.  But, he did apologize.  DP joined in when there was a voice of “thank you, your honor.” From my lawyer and I.  Ever confusing.

Judge R said that the question at hand was whether Ellie could have her own lawyer or not and that in the state of Oregon it was the law that Children simply needed to state their desires to have one.  He then held up Ellie’s written document asking for one. 

He asked if DP had any questions.  He didn’t.  And that was all. 

Really?

We needed to appear in court for that? Does anyone have any sense of how much this is costing me?

On with the day, I went to see Ellie and told her the good news. 

The calls I had missed while in court, included a couple from Ellie's school telling me that she had not shown up for school and asking did I know she was absent.  Was I really going to have to call every morning and tell them that she still was in the hospital? 

I heard from my lawyer later in the day.  We would be going back to court Thursday to get an immediate danger filed to stop visitation that was previously ordered because of Ellie’s delicate health.  This week could prove to be very long.  We would have her doctor there ready to testify.  I would testify and we would hope that the Judge would grant it.

I was certain that by then Ellie would be home.

How wrong I was.  

The Hospital

** As a reminder, this occurred last year. March 2011. 

The doors closed and my eyes filled with tears.  And then it was all over.  I was a puddle. 

My mom and I embraced and cried.  For, I have no idea how long.  We were outside the locked door on the floor that kept Ellie safe. 

We decided to meet at my house.  I had no desire to talk to anyone.  I wanted to crawl under the covers of my bed and stay there until I could have my daughter back.  This was not what our lives were suppose to be like.

I knew I had to let some people know.  I had several messages.  I hadn’t realized how long we had been in the hospital – but it had been several hours. 

I sent a pretty blanket email to several a group of friends and then called my lawyer.  I knew she had to know.  She wasn’t available, so I called her assistant.  Immediately, I broke into tears retelling the events of the past few days. 

“So, Ellie is in the psychiatric ward?” he asked again, trying to wrap his head around it.

“Yes.” I confirmed.

He said he would have DR call me, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone.  He said he was sorry and we hung up.  The rest of the drive home is a blur.  Once there, my mom insisted I take a shower and then lay down.  My phone was ringing off the hook as news spread among my friends, but again, I was not interested in talking. What was there to say?

I wanted to pick up a few things for Ellie now that I knew a little better what she was facing and so we made a trip to Walgreens before we headed back to see her.  We had really just left.  But, the only visiting times were lunch and dinner so, we were heading back.  I wondered what she would look like and how her day had been.  She was the youngest there at the moment. She was also the only female.  Knowing my Ellie, she was holding her own. 

The routine was you went to a special elevator, went to a special floor which contained 2 locked doors.  One was for the older kids, one the younger.  Each had a phone.   You picked it up and automatically someone at the desk answered.  You identified yourself and if you were on the list of approved visitors, you were let in.  Each time, it was gut-wrenching. Each time, I was reminded that DP was not allowed.  I was reminded at the peace of mind that gave Ellie. 

The first night, I thought would be the hardest.  Afterall, the only time she had been away was with family and once or twice at friends.  This was HUGE.  They talked to me about possibly putting her on some medication to help her sleep.  I had fought medication all this time.  Her therapist had mentioned it before, but I wanted to try not to use it, if at all possible.  And yet, here we were. 

Ellie had had an okay afternoon.  She was okay.  I can’t say she was much better.  She reminded us several times that DP was not allowed on the floor.  That was the saving grace right now.  If that is what was holding her together, then I was all for it.  I would use that too.  We put some things around her room to make it a little brighter.   And watched her eat dinner.  She was happy she was able to order anything she wanted; that was pretty cool.  She introduced us to the boys, in so much as just telling us about them.  They had been nice to her and welcomed her.  There was a nurse she especially loved and who I believed had taken a special liking to Ellie as well.  She felt okay about spending the night. 

I was introduced to a watchman, of sorts, who told me he would be outside Ellie’s room and make sure she was okay and I could call him every hour if I needed to.  I told him to be ready. 

The visiting hour was up too quickly.  I hid a special chocolate bunny for Ellie to find after we left and we hugged and kissed her good night.  She was locked safely behind us. 

My parents left soon after we got home. 

Then it was just me.  I should say, me and Bell. 

It had been awhile since I hadn’t had Ellie around and the house was quiet.  Too quiet.

I called to check on her and she was taking a bath. 

That night I believe I called 3 times.  She was fast asleep each time.  They had given her something to help her sleep. Just some Melatonin at this point.  I think she would have slept, regardless.  It was probably the first time in a long time she truly felt safe.  Like the man who had hurt her so badly could not get her.  She was protected by a locked door and security.  This is where she needed to be.

The following day, Saturday, after no sleep, I was so anxious to see her.  My mom came up to meet her for lunch and we headed over.  She was happy to see us.  She was excited about the small things – once again that she could order pretty much anything, that she had found the chocolate rabbit.  And the big things – DP could not get her.  We checked out the itinerary for the day.  And she seemed okay with everything.  They had art therapy, music therapy, small groups, one-on-ones.  Her therapist happened to be the doctor on call that weekend and she came as well to meet us and talk to me about medication.  At this point, it might be prudent to put Ellie on a low dose anti-depressant.  After talks with a nurse yesterday, she was diagnosed with Suicidal Ideation and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  As much as I was against it initially, I caved.

After visiting with her, my mom headed home. 

I tried to get on with something in my days, but had nothing.  I wanted to curl up and watch the clock until it was time to see her for dinner.  I checked in with my lawyer.  She had sent an email to DP saying that visitation was off (it was suppose to start Sunday) and gave him the reason.  She said that Ellie was in a hospital and had suicidal ideations and needed to be there.  She further asked that he not try to see her and even if he did, he would be turned away.  Monday we would have more information on the legal side. 

I felt good about that.

I decided I needed to get some things for Ellie so I told my close neighbors about what had happened.  Ever lovely and supportive, they listened and let me cry.  They made lovely cards for her so I could take them to her.  It started what would be great colorful things keepsakes for Ellie to enjoy at the hospital and look back on after.

I started to think about my week ahead.  I wanted to be at every single lunch and dinner.  I didn’t want to miss any of them.  This happened to coincide with one of the busiest weeks of work.  I had been scheduled to be out of town two days and didn’t know how to handle it. I also wanted to, of course, be there when she got out and home probably several days after.  By my mom’s advice, I held off on anything because at that point, we didn’t know how long she would be there.  I could make it to most days, missing one lunch and still get to where I needed to be. 

********

Sunday, early, there was a knock on the door. 

It was L and DP.  They were there to get Ellie for the visit.  I had not slept in several days now and I could not believe who was at my door.  This was the last thing I wanted/needed to face.  I don’t remember the last time I had a conversation with DP.  I can’t remember the last time we were face to face. 

I opened the door and L said, “we are here to get Ellie.”

“DP, haven’t you read your email?” I asked, ignoring L.

“Um… have I?” he turned to L.

What the fuck? That was just weird.  Did he just ask her if he checked his email?

“Why?” L asked.

“Is he not capable of having a conversation on his own?” I asked L, now raising my voice.

DP just stood there.  As if he literally weren’t .  Really. 

I wasn’t sure what to make of what I was watching, but I was in no mood. 

“Ellie is in the hospital.  She is not here. Check your email. You have one from Friday.”

“Why is she in the hospital? Which one?” L asked

What the fuck was going on?

“I am not telling you which one.  Neither of you.  She is in there because she is suicidal.”

“She is too young to be suicidal.” L said, obviously having studied child psychology sometime in her past. Who the hell was she telling me this bullshit on my front step?

I became irate.  I was done with this conversation.

“Well, she is not too young. And I am done with this. It is all in the email.  DO NOT try to find her.” I put way too much emphasize on the last part and slammed the door.

I called my lawyer, relayed the story and she said she would need to fix it. She understood, though.  I had apparently stepped over a line.  I should have not yelled, nor should I have told him the last part.  He should have known it from the previous paperwork.  At that point, I didn’t care.  I could have and wanted to say so many other things.  Truth is, she was in there because of him.  I could have and wanted to say that.  I wanted to have him understand that.  But, truth is, he either wasn’t capable or didn’t care. 

Checking Into the Hospital

**as a reminder this occurred in the past. March 2011.

After the decision was made that Ellie would go to the hospital it was a matter of seconds that we were packing.  Her therapist thought she would be there for 2 nights and so we packed accordingly.  As Ellie got her bag ready, I picked up the phone to call my mom and dad.  I knew they were at the beach, but wanted to let them know.

Truth is, I have never wanted them to answer the phone more than at that moment.  The phone rang and rang and rang and finally after the 3rd ring, my mom, nearly out of breath, picked up with a cheerful, "hello?".

I, as calmly as I could, told her what was about to happen.
"I'm taking Ellie to the hospital." And then came the words I never thought I would have to say, "she is being checked in for suicidal ideation."

My mom, silent for a moment, said, "we are on our way."

I knew they were a good 2 hours from the hospital and said, no.  I was certain we would be done with the check in process by the time we got there and there was no reason to ruin their Spring Break to come for nothing.  But, she insisted and I was secretly thankful.

Ellie had finished packing.  A couple days worth of clothes, we put in some pictures of me and a few of Bell. She decided to take her pillow-pet and we were off.

The entire thing, from decision to getting in the car took maybe 10 minutes.  We didn't rush, but instead moved with a pace that was determined.  Ellie, and all of her 6 years, was calm and focused.  The most focused she had been all week.  She understood that she would be spending the night, and while that scared the shit out of me, she seemed just fine with it.

As we drove over we spoke a little about how she was feeling.  She asked questions about what to expect and I answered as best I could with the very limited knowledge I had.  She told me she thought she needed to be there.  I told her I thought that was brave and that the most important thing right now was getting better.  Fingers in her mouth, she rested the remainder of the drive.

We were met in the lobby by two ladies who knew we were coming.  One was a teenager, and I believe a volunteer who chatted with Ellie to keep her occupied.  My heart was literally beating a mile a minute and it was all I could do to match Ellie's brave face.

When we finally made it up the secret elevator to the special floor and through the locked doors, my heart stopped.  Was this really happening? Was I really putting my daughter into a psychiatric ward? Everything seemed so wrong and I felt horrible pangs of sadness.  How could this be her life? This little girl so full of joy was now at the bottom and it was all so wrong.

And then it got worse.  We were shown Ellie's room.  Pure white.  Stark white.  Nothing but white.  White walls, white linens on a small bed in the middle of a small room.  Nothing on the walls.  One small desk.  White drapes for the windows.  She had her own bathroom, which contained nothing.  The mirror, fake.  A toilet, a sink.  No color.

I thought Ellie would break at this point.  But she didn't.

She and the volunteer would check her stuff in while I did some administration things to get her checked in.  I was terrified to leave her side, but, again, Ellie bravely showed me that she was okay and walked off.

Once I got behind closed doors I broke down.  I mean, the flood gates let loose.  Was I doing the right thing? Was she going to be okay? Should she really be here? She is only 6 and why is this happening? The woman who was working with me was very calming and obviously used to this reaction.  She went through the things that should have made me feel better and I tried to listen as my mind was racing about how we got here and how dare DP fuck up our lives like this.

About mid-way through, Ellie's therapist came in.  I was happy to see her and she reported that she had come by to see Ellie and welcome her.  She tried to remind me that this is where Ellie needed to be.  And that all was going to be okay.  Through my tears, I had nothing to do, but try to believe her.

I was given some time to pull myself together and then come out and find Ellie.  She was in her room and happy because she got to order whatever she wanted for lunch - the other kids had already eaten and she needed to eat... so Mac-n-Cheese was on its way.

It was the first time we had a chance to be alone.

"What do you think?" I sheepishly asked.

"I like it" she said.

In my head I thought - what the hell do you like? Again, I was blown away by this little person who was so amazingly strong.

Her food arrived and with it a few items that would have to be returned home.  We had brought tennis shoes, with laces and those were a no-no.  Pictures were okay - but not the frames, they contained glass.  As the items were returned to me, things became more and more real and the lump in my throat grew.  Laces and glass.  Of course.  This is bigger than I thought.  Surely Ellie wasn't at this point. But, were the other kids?

Again we were left alone.  As Ellie ate her Mac-n-Cheese.  I told her we needed to brighten her room up.  She agreed.  I asked how she felt about staying and she said she felt okay.  She said she had been told by Dr J that her dad was not allowed to come.  That the floor was locked and you had to check in and only certain people could come in.  He was on a list that was the police list.  She was actually shown that.

It all started to make sense to me now.  She felt safe.  For the first time in who knows how long, my little girl felt safe.

The woman who had spoken with me, peeked her head in and said that grandma and grandpa were here.  I couldn't believe they had found us. I wanted to warn them about the room and also about how badly Ellie looked so I ran out and caught them before they walked in.  I could tell my mom and maybe even my dad had been crying.  When my mom saw me, it started again.  I stopped them both and I said, before you come in, you need to know the whole room is white, it is sad and depressing and Ellie looks bad. But, she is probably in the best shape of all of us and I don't want that ruined.  So, compose yourselves before you walk in, because there can be no tears in front of her.

I went back in and Ellie was thrilled that she had gotten some ice cream.  She was digging into that as I was looking at the daily schedule and going over that with her.  Then my mom and dad came in.  She was happy to see them.  I watched as my mom held back tears and took deep breaths.  But, again, they followed Ellie's lead.  Ellie explained to them that her dad couldn't get on the floor and wanted to show them the list before we all left.  She felt a great deal of empowerment with this.  Bless her heart.

After she was finished eating we went over her schedule and took a little tour, met some of the kids, the nurses and it was time for her to join the group.  Which meant it was time for us to leave.  I wasn't ready.

She was so small, so young.  And had never been away from me at a non-relatives or very close friends and I was terrified.  I mean, I knew she would be safe, but I felt like this was such a hard place to leave her.  My heart was so sad.

My mom and dad said good-bye and left us alone.

I told her how proud I was and how much I loved her.  I said that she could call anytime, she just needed to ask.  And I said I would be back at dinner time.  And with that, the person who guards the door, let me out.

The Outcome of the Judge's Decision

** As a reminder, this is a blog looking back at things in the past.  This happened approximately March 22-26, 2010.**




Generally we have a pow-wow after each court case.  This time I couldn't get to the car fast enough.  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I know DR wanted to comfort me.  I know she wanted to let me know what was next.  I know she wanted to say it would be okay.  

I left the conversation from DR, L and me and I made a beeline to my car.  I didn't say good-bye.  I couldn't.  I was a mess.  I was in a place I hadn't been before.  

I was having trouble getting a breath in.  Not like the exercised induced asthma I had had as a child, but actually having something so heavy on my chest I couldn't breathe.  Or was it that I didn't want to breathe? 

Again, the huge surprise about the verdict and now facing telling Ellie and finally facing the fact that in a few short days Ellie would have to see DP and L was caving in on me. 

******

I drove to my good friend RW's house, knowing full well, I was in no shape to go home just yet.  We cried together, we went back through the day, we tried to come up with ideas of what to tell Ellie.  And then we started to make a list.  Actually two lists.  One if the meeting actually went through. And two if the meeting didn't.  

I could always count on RW to be rational  She was I guess the ying to my yang.  Slowed me down. Thought through things I never would have thought of.  I needed that especially right now.  

While I was there I got a call from my lawyer checking on me.  I didn't answer the first and I did answer the second.  I wept through the call.  I didn't cry, I WEPT. She said she was sorry and that she didn't see it coming.  She was just as surprised by me.  She stated that the next move was that Ellie get her own attorney.  She had 2 people in mind.  The only thing that Ellie needed to do was to write a letter to the Judge telling him that she wanted a lawyer.  

We had two pretty good lists.  

We rehearsed the talk with Ellie several times.  

Time after time, I fell apart.  I cried so many tears that day.  

At one point, I couldn't prolong it anymore.  And I had a huge ache to see my girl.  

******

My mom and dad were both there watching Ellie.  I had called my mom after and just cried into the phone that it went horribly and I would be home when I got myself together.  Ellie had asked my mom several times what had happened in court and my mom told her that I would tell her when I got home.  I called to let them know I was on my way.  The 5 minute drive from RW's house took about 20 minutes.  

As I drove up and in the garage, there was Ellie's sweet face ... waiting.  Jumping up and down, yelling, "did you win, mommy, did you win?".  I felt the tears and gulped as hard as I possibly could.  I ran to her and picked her up.  I said, "today was a hard day, sweetie. We need to talk about it."

I walked her upstairs to where my parents where and I could see my mom had tears in her eyes.  I shook my head at her as to say, "it isn't good." 

"Mommy didn't win." Ellie announced.  

"I didn't, Ellie" I said, "But, we are going to be just fine. We need to figure some things out and we will be fine."

"Do I have to see my dad?" She asked, big brown eyes, looking up at me. 

"Maybe." I said, "But I am going to do everything in my power to stop it."

"I'm not going," Ellie said. I could see the tears building in her eyes.  Her thin arms wrapped around my neck and squeezed as tight as they could.  I didn't mind that it hurt a little.  I could feel every ounce of love from them.  

I wanted Ellie to hear the news first so I took her to her bedroom and sat her on her bed.  I explained that Judge didn't allow me to speak or anyone else.  He kind of had his mind made up.  And because DP hadn't seen Ellie in such a long time, he thought it would be fair for DP to start seeing Ellie again.  At that, Ellie started panic.  She got down from the bed and paced. 

"NO." she said. 

"Let me finish, Ellie." I said.  I had her sit down and this time held her.  I explained that in cases like this there was someone called a supervisor and the Judge picked L to be their supervisor.  At this, Ellie nearly came unglued.  The questions were coming left and right and I just didn't have answers.  As her panicked state began to pick up quickly she also started to cry.  I asked if she could just hang in there until I was done with what happened so I could tell her my plan and then we could go tell Nana and Papa.  

She did and we did. 

My plan was not great.  It started with something easy, which was Ellie getting a lawyer.  This seemed pretty cool to Ellie and she was off once I told her that all she needed to do was to ask for one (oh, how this changes our lives... and our pocketbooks... but, most importantly our lives).  

My next plan was to go get Ellie a phone.  We were nearing the end of Tuesday and while I would work my tush off until the visitation was suppose to start to get it changed, I had to also plan for the worst and that was that the visits would go through.  One thing would be keeping her safe.  A phone, maybe a little camera somewhere on her body, yes... I am Jack Bauer and I don't eat or sleep in 24 hours, but I do a lot of other things.  Don't mess with my kid. 

My mom and dad stayed while I went to get her a phone.  And look for a spy store (I'm not playing around).  

******

I got a couple more things checked off the list on that day - a meeting with Ellie's therapist for the following day, a call with my lawyer, some research on the internet and it was day over.

 *****

Wednesday started with Ellie coming into my room in tears and saying, I'm not going with him. Please don't make me go.  I hadn't slept a wink and knew right away who and what she was talking about.  Of course if I didn't let her go, I was breaking the law.  

I had already had plans to have cameras set up because if Ellie put up a tremendous fuss I would call it off.  I was planning on making sure she didn't know about the cameras because I didn't want those to CAUSE her to act a certain way.  But, I also wanted everything caught on video.  I would never force her to go.  Never.  

I decided we would drive to Seattle that day to get her mind off things and hopefully have some fun.  Little did I know that my 6 year old would regress several years right before my eyes that day.  

The car right started off great.  Ellie was excited.  She had several stuffed animals with her - ahhh... what did I care, that was easy enough.  All who know Ellie know that things are rarely quiet when she is around.  But, it was quiet in the backseat.  

"What's going on back there?" I'd ask... 

"Nothing." came the baby-talk voice.  I'd take a peak and her fingers were in her mouth (never a thumb sucker, always 2-fingers, upside down).  

At first I tried to stop it and then I let it go, realizing what was happening but not to what degree.  

"Hey... Els... do you want to talk about it?" I'd say

"Yes," she would reply. 

"Okay."

"I'm not going, mom.  I am just not going." 

"Well, the law says you have to.  I know it isn't fair and I don't even understand it.  But, you will be protected.  I will make sure of that. I promise."

"I'm not going." 

"So what is going to happen when he comes to the door?"

"I will answer it and I will tell him that I hate him and that I never want to see him again and I will close the door on him. And then I will call 911 and have them arrest him because he should be in jail." 

and... I'm speechless... with tears in my eyes driving to Seattle.  

I take a deep breath and I say (not believing anything that is about to come out of my mouth) "You know we are going to be okay, either way, right?"

And she breaks down in tears.  

I don't blame her, I want to too.  

*******

After getting her calmed down on the side of the road, we are back on track to Seattle.  There are a couple of smiles here and there, but mostly, she is literally in a ball in her car seat, fingers  in her mouth, blanket (who is not allowed off her bed, in normal circumstances ... yes, i said who), in her lap, playing her DSI. 

This was my Ellie.  She even figured out a way to use the pen for her DSI so she didn't have to take her fingers out of her mouth.  

When we got to Seattle she decide she wanted to stay. She decided that Bell, our dog, would find us and Nana would send us our clothes.  She did not want to go home.   We rested in a hotel and headed back.  The weather was bad and Ellie was in no condition to do anything.  Ellie cried for much of the way back and then started wetting herself.  I knew we were declining quickly and that this was a serious situation.  She would apologize profusely, cry more and I just wanted to get home. 

Bell was there to greet us and that was a welcome treat.  Bell always brought Ellie some much needed happiness.  

As I finally got to get an up close look at her after our drive I noticed that she had huge chunks of hair missing.  I asked Ellie about it and she was very honest.  

"I've just been picking at my hair." she said.  

"Are you pulling it out?" I asked

"Yes." simple.  Came the reply

I went to car to see if I could find the damage - there sat a pile of Ellie's sweet curly, thick hair.  A good chunk.  I couldn't scold her.  I could sit her down and have a heart-to-heart. 

But, first had to wipe the tears and compose myself. 

**********

I got Ellie to bed early that night.  It was far too easy. She didn't want to do anything.  So, bed seemed like the obvious next step.  This wasn't my child.  My child giggled, she laughed, she sang crazy songs.  I was watching Ellie disappear before my very eyes. 

"Mom, what is the difference be Heaven and Hell?" Ellie asked as I lay down beside her to read a book.  

At that point right there, there was no question in my mind we were headed into uncharted territories for us.  

E and I have a very close relationship. We talk about everything.  We have been blessed with that, probably because it is just the two of us.  But, this was getting scary, because I knew what was on her mind.  

"Why do you want to know, Ellie?" I asked. 

"Just because," she tried to get by.

"Why? Ellie." 

"Well, because if I go to Heaven I won't have to see him, right?".  

"Look, Ellie, we are not going to have this conversation right now, okay.  

"But, Mommy, is it true?" 

"Ellie, there is no point in talking about it. You going to Heaven is a VERY long time away.  I will not talk about death with you today, tomorrow or in the near future.  I just won't.  Do you understand that?"

Ellie nodded.  

I kissed her goodnight and with eyes streaming out of my eyes, I left her room.  

*********

Thursday morning.  We were going to meet RW and her kids at the zoo.  Ellie was sleeping in and I didn't want to wake her.  Little did I know that when I went to check on her around 10 (!) she wasn't really sleeping at all... but just not wanting to get up.  What? This wasn't Ellie Emery.  

We talked a bit and of course it was the "countdown" that was bugging her.  Now, I am not going to lie - it was bugging me too.  I was doing everything I could legally to get it overturned.  I was writing DHS, the detective, I was doing anything I could have done to try to get it stopped.  I was also preparing for the worst.  Getting the people in place for the cameras, making sure she her clothes were marked clearly with my phone number, getting her phone ready for easy use.  

Ellie would not get out of bed.  She asked me more questions about Heaven and Hell.  She questions were ones that made me have goose bumps.

It hit me.  This is a bigger problem than I can handle.  She now had pulled her eyebrows out as well.  I coaxed her upstairs finally around 11:30 and sat her on the coach where she sat, finger in the mouth, a shell of a person, sobbing motion, but no sounds, and few tears; none were left.  

I called her therapist with a 911 page. She called back immediately and I brought her up to speed on Ellie's quick down fall.  She said she wasn't all that surprised and told me that there was one thing we could possibly do, but if I said yes, I had to do it.  At the Good Sam Hospital there is a small Psychiatric Ward for children - only 4 beds.  She could see if one was open.  If we said yes, we'd have to take it.  

I didn't want to say yes without asking Ellie.  And she respected that.  I asked if I could page her back. 

"Ellie, I was just talking to Dr J," I started, "and she and I both know that this is very hard right now.  I have an idea that I want to see what you think about it.  There is a hospital that helps litt"

"I want to go" 

Before I could get the words out of my mouth, Ellie knew that she needed to go.  She was in.  She knew she needed help and she was ready.  

We got one of four beds and I believe it saved Ellie's life. 

A Short Update

I was expecting to be writing this a bit hung over from the celebration last night.  But, the celebration did not happen.  Instead, I write it weepy-eyed and with eyes that are swollen from tears.

Though we didn't "lose" in court yesterday, we certainly didn't win.

I won't go into much detail because I haven't caught you up on the 2 years in between.  But, I will say that things remain status quo for another 6 months.  The Judge has given DP another 6 months to get some money together to run some tests that need to be run.

I am bewildered.

First, why are we even still here.

Second, how many chances does this "man" get?

Third, how can we continue another 6 months with this cloud over our heads?

A sad day at the Emery house.

As I came in last night, Ellie yelling, "did you do it, Mama?"

I told her, "yes.  I kept us together."

6 Words. Now What?

“They hurt because of my daddy.”

Those words will forever ring in my head.  Those 6 words, when put together so horribly life changing.  And yet, of such little surprise.  And yet, hitting me like a ton of bricks. 

I wanted to weep for my little Ellie who had been through something I could only imagine and at the same time didn’t even want to start to.  Brave Ellie.  Stoic Ellie.  Wise beyond her years.  Such an old soul and leaving me wondering, were we just scratching the surface with those words. 

With everything that I was, I tried to remain calm.  I tried to show no emotion to those words that had just come out of her mouth. 

“What do you mean, E?”

“My daddy touched me.”

I could feel the HUGE swell of tears coming up and I knew that if she saw me cry, it would not be okay.  I could not break in front of her. I would bite right through my lip before that happened.  

“Come here, Ellie.” I gave her a huge hug and I could feel her finally let go.  Don’t do it, Amy, don’t do it.  I knew that if I started to cry, there would be no stopping.  She would get scared and maybe, just maybe that is what was keeping her silent.  “Sweetie, why didn’t you tell me last night?”

“He made me promise not to.” She said through her tears.  “He says he will hurt you if you found out.”

That fucking bastard. 

I have been taught not to toss the word hate around but boy, the hatred that I felt for this monster was out of control. 

My mind was racing.  I knew there was something I should do and there was some kind of protocol that I should probably be following, but I had no idea what it was.  I also knew that I needed to keep myself under control because I was about to crumble and my baby just became a goddamn statistic by a person who is suppose to love and care for her and keep her safe. 

Keep it together Emery, one thing at a time.

“Ellie, can you tell me exactly what he did to you?”

She shook her head no. 

“I can show you though.” She said as she wiped her tears and her bottom lip shook. Here she was, trying to brave for me... 

Jesus. 

She led me to the bedroom and had me lay down on the bed and there she showed me exactly what had happened. 

Tears ran down my face and I told her how wrong that was and how sorry I was.  It was not the time to ask if it had happened before, but there were so many questions I had. 

I wanted to make sure that she was okay.  I wanted her to know that he was wrong, not her.  She said she understood.  I explained that I needed to call some people because what he had done was very bad.  I needed to see what the right next move was because I wasn't sure.  

I asked her to lie in bed while I called my dad.  I was hoping he could guide me a little.  After all, aren't parents suppose to know what to do in situations like these? Wait a minute... crap! I was a parent! There went that idea. 

Unbeknownst to me, my parents were having a party, but thankfully, my dad did answer.  I gave him a brief overview and asked him what I needed to do next.  He said he would call my brother-in-law (at the time) who is a policeman and ask him and get right back to me. 

Within 5 minutes my phone rang again. RH said I needed to call the local cops and report it.  They may or may not come out and get a statement.  They would probably assign a detective to the case and he/she would take it from there. 

I checked on Ellie and went to work.

I called the non-emergency line and reported it.  The officer to whom I spoke asked if I wanted to do it over the phone or in person and I chose over the phone.  Enough trauma for a little girl in one day, we didn't need cop cars at our house too.  I told him what I knew, he told me a detective would get back to me that night and the detective would take it from there.

Now what?

Somehow, I had to go in and be a parent. 

Where is the fucking guidebook for this part?

I found Ellie lying in my bed doing nothing.  I asked if she wanted to talk about it.  She said no.  She knew I would get hurt by him if she did.  There was obviously huge fear.  (Mental note, call her therapist next time I get a minute).  Okay, let’s get our minds off it until the phone rings. 

We decided to start packing her suitcase for Hawaii.  Thinking of Hawaii, how could you not be happy?!. 

I got Ellie to bed early that night and the Detective called just after.  He was nice enough and asked the same exact  questions I had already answered.  The only new information was that he said I needed to get into see someone at CARES Northwest.  CARES is a medical program for the assessment of child abuse.  They do physical exams and interviews.  The Detective would be there for the interview – behind a one way glass – so, hopefully – Ellie wouldn’t have to tell her story more than once. 

As I hung up the phone, the reality of the day set in.  I crumbled.  How could someone do this? How could a dad do this to a daughter? How could someone do this? How? I was sick over it.  Literally sick. 

It was if I felt the entire weight of the world on me.  Every step was heavy.  

Sleep was not an option.  Instead, I watched as Ellie tossed and turned in her bed.  I wondered what else this precious little 6 year-old had endured.  So strong, this one.  Stronger than I could have ever been.   

Ah, the guilt, it was ridiculous. 

A silent promise to her that night. 

Though our fight might be long from over... 

I would never let her hurt her again.  

One Answer and Your World Changes

(So hard to write)

5 hours. 

300 minutes

18000 seconds

That is how long he had her June 26, 2010.  

*******

He dropped her off, placing her down in between the first and the second glass openings as always.  There was the same whisper in her ear and she moved closer to me. 

I squeezed her when I got her and took her hand to walk to our car.  I said something along the lines of getting a good parking spot and she let out a small laugh.  I told her I missed her and she said “me too.” 

When we got in the car, I asked how things had gone. 

Fine.

“Let me guess,” I said trying to be funny.  “Chuck E Cheese, Wunderland or Safari Sam’s.” I said. 

“No,” she said back.

“What?”

I kind of laughed.

“We went to his house she said.”

“Well, that is different.” I said.  “what did you do there?”

“He made me watch a documentary on Michael Jackson.” She said.

“Oh, was it good” I asked?

“No, I didn’t want to watch it,” she said. 

“Well,  why was it so important?” I asked.

“I don’t know, mom.”

I could tell with the last “mom” she was pretty much done talking about it.  I decided to let it go and we continued home.  When we got home, it was still early in the day, but Ellie didn’t feel like doing anything.  She was interested in getting in her pajamas and lying in my bed. 

We were getting ready for a trip to Hawaii in a few days so she could watch me pack and it was perfect.  I noticed her sucking on her fingers, something she does out of anxiety or pure exhaustion.  I checked in with her to see if she was okay or if there was something she wanted to talk about and she said no and  so I suggested she go to sleep early and without saying anything, she got out of my bed and walked into hers. 

Usually there is at least some push back on the sleep thing, but none at all. 

I got her tucked in and I could see tears in her eyes.  I asked what was wrong and she told me that her privates hurt.  Okay.  I asked if they hurt on the inside or the outside and she said the inside.  And at this point she was crying.  I asked if I could take a look and see anything.  I thought maybe there was a rash or something.  It was red, but I didn’t know what was going on, so I had some Destin and I put it on there and called it good.  She got back in bed and I asked if she was okay.  She wasn’t.

What did she need? She didn’t know. 

Alright… well, I thought… hopefully this will help soon.

My room is directly across from hers and I was packing suitcases so I was pretty nearby.  She got up 3 times in tears in the next 30 minutes from the pain in her privates.  At this point my mind started to go places that I wished it would never have to go.  My stomach was in knots.  My ability to focus was completely gone. 

I rocked her to sleep that night, as she cried from pain and I silently cried from the possibility of my mother’s intuition being all too real. 

I am not a great sleeper to begin with, but you add stress to the mix and forget about it.  I was up all night in a whole different land of “what-ifs.”  Sure you can tell me that worry doesn’t get me anywhere and believe me that my brain totally understands it.  Sadly, my heart just doesn’t follow suit.  I am sure that this whole experience has taken off several years of my life because of the worry and the damage it has done to me.  I’ve coped the best that I know how.  And I think it is easy for others's to say, “I would be this way.” Or “I would not worry until I knew for sure.” To those people I say…  I’d love to see it.  ;-)

The next morning I decided I was not going to bring it up unless she did.   Things in the morning seemed status quo.  It was Sunday.  We were lazy, as Sundays typically are around here and we didn’t do much of anything.  She was pretty quiet, but that also isn't much different from a Sunday after being with DP. 

Then my world changed.

“Mommy, my privates hurt really bad.”

“Ugh, still?”

This happened at about 3pm.  I swear that I remember as if it were yesterday. 

“Yes,” she said, almost sheepishly.

I asked the question, not really wanting to know the answer, “do you know why they hurt?”

“No,” she said.

Ton of bricks off my shoulders. 

“Okay,” I said, “let’s take another look and see if I see anything, okay?”

“Okay” she said.

As we walked downstairs, Ellie stopped. 

“Mom, I do know why they hurt.  They hurt because of my daddy.” 

Our New Regular

Sadly the decision to go or not go was not up to Ellie.

I called my new lawyer and told her what Ellie had done and DR explained that Ellie could not continue to do that.  Each time it happened, we were in contempt of court.  Now, the reality is that DP had been in contempt dozens of times to our few, but when we appeared in front of Judge R, we wanted to be as crystal clean as possible. 

I agreed to this to a point.  There would never be a time where I would physically make Ellie go.  It wasn’t in me. I couldn’t.  What I would do was try to explain how important it was to go and continue to try to make her as safe as possible.  In the meantime, DR was very insistent on us meeting with the new therapist and trying to get to the bottom of what was keeping Ellie from wanting to be with DP so badly. 

Ellie so enjoyed going to JC, her current therapist that a break from her to a new one was hard for me to imagine.  Some things do happen for a reason, I guess and at about the time that I was going to have to tell Ellie we needed to go see someone new, JC told us she was moving.  It was actually perfect timing. 

An appointment to get into the new therapist was easy to get.  I think the law firm had a little pull.  I was set up to talk to her in the morning to give her an overview and Ellie had a meeting with her the same day in the afternoon.  Ellie was a bit apprehensive.  In her mind, just another person to meet.  But, when she saw her, an instant bond was formed.  Dr. JR and Ellie hit it off.

She did a lot of play therapy with Ellie as well.  More drawing than before.  Her quick assessment was that Ellie had something to share, but she needed to be comfortable to share it.  It would take awhile.  My fear was we didn’t have awhile.  She also believed that she didn’t share the things with me because she was protecting me. 

*****

Guilt was a huge problem for me from the get go.  I felt horrible guilty that my little girl had to go through these things with this man who I had at one point picked.  I knew that something was wrong and I couldn’t fix it.  The point that the Doctor said she is protecting me, my guilt grew ten-fold.

With visitation things continued to get worse.  The times that DP did show up were few and far between.  The preparation for us to go were tough.  Me talking Ellie “into it” was painful.  I had to walk a fine balance of not being negative toward him and also try to be mindful of her fear and mine, without letting mine show.  It was a horrible situation. 

The outcomes were horrible regardless of what happened.  If he didn’t show, it meant he didn’t care, in Ellie’s eyes and I had no way to describe it, even as an adult with mediocre intelligence. 

If he did show, there was the fear of what was going to happen.  I’d feel a tug on my leg, by Ellie’s small hands, I’d see the tears in her eyes and she tried not to let them be visible to him.  And occasionally there would be the verbal altercation by her saying that she wasn’t going to go.  Most of the time, I would end up talking her into it.  I often wondered what her “punishment” would be for talking out. 

The times were always cut short.  I imagined he didn’t want to “put up” with her.  She had taken to spelling out “m-o-m-m-m-y” every time she referred to me.  And, she was stubborn. She didn’t want to go to his work. She asked to come home.  She pestered him. 

He texted early for me to come and get her.  I would happily oblige.

Visitations became very irregular.  Down to maybe once per month.  And while it was nice, I was always waiting for a shoe to drop.

Ellie continued to see her therapist, Dr JR.  I continued to get random texts in the night.  We lived in a constant fear of him.  When would we see him in the area? When would we see someone he knew? When would he just show up at our house? When would he show up for a visitation and not come back with her? When would the reality of what was happening come out of Ellie’s mouth and a new chapter begin?

Ellie continued to sink into herself a bit more.  Whatever she was holding onto was eating at her. She was nervous to go to public places.  She didn’t want to accidently run into him.  We stayed away from most places where there were many people.  I did my grocery shopping when she was in school.  Just because she wasn’t seeing him, didn’t make our lives much better. 

******

June 26, 2010

DP texted and asked if he could meet late.  It was a Saturday.  It was HIS Saturday and so I had to say yes.  He also said he couldn’t keep her long.  I told Ellie this would be a quick one, and she was willing to go. 

He kept her until 2.  It was 5 hours total.  

A New Law Firm and Life Continues

If you were to look up big scary law firms in Portland, Oregon, you would find my new one.  One of the partners is a lady is fairly well known in the community. She also had some ties to Linfield (where my father taught) and so we called to get an appointment, a very spendy  appointment with her. 

I’ll be honest.  The woman terrified me.  She was as honest and upfront and in your face as a person could be.  She interviewed me and every sentence contained a 4-letter word.  She was crass.  She was blunt.  She was harsh.  When I started to cry (most likely out of fear at that point), she stopped and asked:

Why are you crying?

I was so taken aback by that question that I just cried more.  I was crying because I was terrified. 

She didn’t hand me Kleenex.  She didn’t comfort me.  She sat in a chair; forearms resting on her legs and staring at me. Dead straight in my teared up eyes. 

I finally found some Kleenex in the room, got it and tried to pull myself together.  After I did, I was ready to go at it again and felt a little tougher.  I was crying because I knew something was happening to Ellie.  How did I know? Mother’s intuition.  Yes, I realized that didn’t get me anywhere.  Yes, she was seeing a therapist.  No, she had not said exactly what was happening yet.  But, I felt they were getting closer. 

This won't work, she said.  

"D____" she yelled out someone's name.  

At this point, she called in another lawyer named DR.  She was instructed to take notes and listen.  I wasn’t sure, but she even looked a little fearful.  At this point, it became a list of things I was supposed to do.  I needed  to get an appointment with a different therapist.  She gave me a name.  I needed to get my files from my previous lawyer to them.  I needed to have my dad schedule weekly visits with Ellie.  There needed to be a stable man in her life and it was going to be Papa.  I was going to daily affirm that Ellie was strong, she was an Emery and Emery woman are strong. I felt like I was already doing this, but she thought my tears were a give away to me doing it with tears. 

I am fully aware of wearing my emotions on my sleeve.  But, believe I had done a pretty good job of keeping things inside when Ellie was in sight.  Even through doing this, Ellie could read me like a book.  I had to get tougher, or better yet, seek help myself. 

Isn’t it funny that there was “never time for that.” Always an appointment to go to or something to do.  And, yet, that really is the most important thing.

The BIG WIG explained that her fee was high and I agreed.  It was more than double what I had been paying so far.  However, DR, who had stepped in to take notes was competent and up for the job and fees were not AS high.  She would be taking on my case. 

I left feeling good, I think.  I was truly drained, to be honest.  The meeting was set for an hour and went two (I was hoping not to be charged for both)… and it was as intense as meeting I had been in ever.  When you talk about a no bullshit meeting, that was this.  She was one of the most interesting people I have ever met.  And probably THE MOST intense person I have ever met.  And, maybe that is what makes her so good.  I frankly think people see her in the court room and want to run.  I don’t think even Judges like having her in their court room.  She is intimidating; both in style and in presence.   I figured if DR had learned from her, I was going to be okay.

****

Life went on.  

Text messages in the middle of the night.  

Late to visitations.  

Christmases were missed, Thanksgivings were missed.  Great for me, a little hard for Ellie to understand.  Sure she was happy to not have to go, but to try to understand what was more important was a tough pill to swallow.  I tried to explain the best I could, but there was little I could say.

One Saturday morning when DP showed up, Ellie flat out refused to go.  DP came over the to bench and Ellie said, “I’m not going with you, I hate you.”

Silence.

I was not expecting this and it caught me quite off guard.

I felt her little hand grabbing on the my pants under my arm so that he couldn’t see it.  I glanced at her face and she was staying remarkably strong. 

“Go” she yelled.  “I am not going with you.” 

“Are you happy?” DP asked, looking at me. 

“I had nothing to do with this.” I simply said.

“I hate you and I am never going again with you.” She yelled again.

This was at a time when DP was wearing sunglasses routinely.  As a reminder, we were inside.  The glasses? I got nothing.  No idea.  Speculations, sure.  But mostly, they just drove me crazy. 

Again, at this point, he didn’t come closer, get down to her level ask what was wrong, suggest things they could do that day, he didn’t try to make her comfortable… he only got angry.  And, angry at me, at that.  Because, of course, it was my fault. 

“You have really messed things up, Amy.” He said. 

And he walked out the door. 

Ellie took the biggest breath in and looked at me and said, “I did it.” And I said, “you sure did! Where did that come from?”

And she explained that she didn’t want to go anymore.