Guilt That You Can Actually Feel

It has been awhile since my last post.  I have been feeling a horrible since of guilt.  For anyone who has been in a similar situation as this, I wonder if they feel the same.  I so want this fight to be over for Ellie.  She deserves to be done with this and I feel that it is my duty as a mother to make it go away, and I can't.

The feeling of guilt is a powerful one.  It can be paralyzing.  I don't feel like doing anything, don't feel like getting out of bed, don't feel like working (though I do), don't feel like smiling (sometimes do), I am a person just going through the motions.  The feeling of doing wrong by my daughter is terrible.

However... back to the story ... I mean our lives.

*****

After we went to court for the silly thing that DP wanted to have custody of Ellie, we were asked to return in a few weeks.  At the end of December we went in for another trial.  By this time, it should have felt like old hat, but it didn't.  It never would.

Having to see DP was always the worst part.  The thought of it driving over in the mornings made me sick. The first time I saw his face each time made it even worse.  And then looking at him made me really ill.  Just going through things in my mind.  How our lives had changed.  How he had changed.  How nothing would ever be the same because of him and what he had done.

JR walked in and we stood.  We had an affidavit from Ellie's therapist talking about how dangerous it was for Ellie to be around DP.  It talked about the seriousness of what he had done and that there was no benefit of the two of them trying to have a relationship.  I was ready to speak. We had the police officer there as well.  However, the judge had different plans.

Once again, nothing would be heard.

He would postpone the trial date again, giving us 3 months for everyone to be ready for a trial.

We were ready.

I still don't know we postponed, nor were we able to ask.

Everyone thought how great this was, 3 more months with Ellie not having to do anything with her dad.

This is not true.

Sure, she didn't have to see him, but, in actuality, this is 3 more months of our lives being held captive by this case.  It was 3 more months of time where we looked in every corner of the store before we felt safe being somewhere.  Things didn't magically get better.  They remained the same.  Drawn out and confusing.

******

Everyone asks "why?"  I don't know why.  I have no idea why things are prolonged. I don't know why the judge rules what he rules.  I don't have a single answer for anything along the way.  I have no idea why I have been fighting for nearly 2 years for this.  (And that is if you just count the sexual abuse).  I don't know.  

Here is what I do know. 

- Our court system does not work to help our children stay safe.

- Our court system is a tangled web of expensive bureaucracy that I, as a fairly intelligent person, have been battling to the letter for nearly 8 full years now. And have been confused more times than I have understood things.

- Our court system does not seem to care that a clinical MD who has been treating my child said "Ellie exhibits extreme anxiety about the prospect of spending time with her father, especially alone. In my opinion this anxiety rises to the clinical level. I further believe Ellie is traumatized by the very idea of spending time with her father and at this point may experience emotional and behavioral decompensation if required to spend time alone with him." 

How do I know they don't care about the last one? 

Stay tuned for the next one. When our lives literally turn upside down. 

From the Happiest Place on Earth Back to Reality

I'm finding the posts more painful to do.  I don't know if it is because I am in a funk over this last decision by the judge (which I definitely am) or  if I know I am getting closer to some really hard things to tell.  Either way, I appreciate the constant companionship as I tell our story.  Again, if I am helping just one person, it is worth it.  I like to believe Ellie will be proud of me for telling it.  The next two years - after things coming to light June 2010 - to now have been nothing short of a nightmare.

******

It was mid-July and we were back from Hawaii with a new dog and yet the dark cloud of what happened never quite moved away.  Ellie continued to see her therapist every week.  It served her well.  She needed it and I was happy we had  found her.

On the legal front, no one could find DP.  He seemed to have skipped town.  This was of little surprise to me.  

The case and thus, Ellie and I, were assigned a DHS employee.  She came over and interviewed me and then she interviewed Ellie.  After she told me that Ellie had said the same thing she said at CARES and there was really nothing to be done.  Again, I was floored.  Our case would remain open just in case.  

She did say there had been a couple of other calls on him about Ellie and so there was already some history there.  My assumption was that it was from her child care provider.  But, the DHS employee was unable to tell me and felt she had let too much slip already. 

Days were dark. 

Nights were scary. 

Life had changed. 

The cloud that hung over us was low and thick. Not knowing where he was was haunting.  It was hard to sleep and so hard to want to get out of bed to do anything.  Depression hit harder than ever before.  

I would have done anything to erase what had happened.  The ridiculous amount of guilt I felt was heavy.  

When Ellie asked to go do Disneyland, I answered yes, without hesitating.  Could I afford it? Heck no.  We had just gotten back from a trip to Hawaii.  Was it a plan we had for the summer... Absolutely not.  But, my goodness, at this point, if the kid wanted to go to the moon, I was going to make it happen.

******

The happiest place on Earth was indeed happy.  It felt like if we were away things were better.  The distance between us and Oregon made life just that much easier.  

We slept much more than expected and it made me realize how much this situation was weighing on us both.  We got up as early as we could.  Smiled when we realized how late it was and headed to celebrate the freedom that we had.  Something that was not lost on either of us.

We enjoyed every inch of Disneyland and that trip, as well as the Hawaii trip will be remembered as something that brought Ellie and me closer.

Getting on the plane was not easy.  Though it went untalked about, we both knew what we were coming back to.  A life of looking around the corners, being a little more scared in the dark and a little more uneasy about everything.  The dark cloud.

******

DP was still nowhere to be found.  

Several weeks later I got an email from him though that said, "I am coming to get my daughter."  

Of course this stirred my emotions and caused me great fear. It also went back to my fundamental issue of how much do I tell Ellie.  I was always so torn about this.  I didn't want to scare her more than she already was.  I also was stubborn - most people would say probably too stubborn - on the fact that I didn't want to change my life over him.  I didn't want to take the fear he was causing me/us and have to uproot what we had in case he really was coming.  Did this put her/us in jeopardy? Did this cause my parents to lose sleep? Did this make me crazy? Things that will never be answered.  But, I had to control something and this was one thing I could control.  There were a few times when I felt we were in too much danger and we did leave for a few nights but this wasn't one of them.  At this point, I didn't even feel like he was actually in the same state at this point, so I felt okay staying at home.  Did I sleep that night? Probably not... but, gosh darnit, I was in my own bed!

*****

The harassment got crazier.  Texts were 6-7 a night.  Nonsense of texts to threatening.  Life was not easy.  And each and every day contained the question, "is my dad in jail?" from Ellie. 

Ellie was starting school in September and I was fearful of letting her out of my sight and into the school.  I had to make the school extra aware of the issues and fully aware that he was not to come any where near the school.  

Around October, he was found and incarcerated.  He spent less than 72 hours in jail.  That was it.  The jails are full.  And he only had to spend 72 hours.  

*****

I didn't hear much from him for awhile and I thought that maybe the time behind bars settled him down.  

Then, at the end of November, I got an email that said, "I want to see my daughter, I will meet you at Fred Meyer on December 7th."

Holy Shit.  My hands started sweating, my heart started pounding, and I automatically panicked.  

Now I will tell you this, I will never let this man see Ellie.  That is not going to happen.  But, the words, the thought, scared me.  More than scared me, it terrified me.  

I automatically contacted my lawyer.  She told me to calm down.  I will have to talk about her demeanor later.  She has a good way about her.

It was time to stop resting on our laurels and go back to fighting.  We would put in a motion with the courts the very next day that we wanted to a trial to that DP could have no contact with Ellie.  It was said, it was done and court date was set for mid-December.  AFTER, the date of December 7th.  

*****

DP would, of course be receiving information about this court date, which would stop his hope to see her (in anyone else's head) and we would prepare for court.  

At the very beginning of December, a knock on my door and a man in a suit appeared, just as my parents were leaving one night.  I had no idea who the man was, but opened the door.  He handed me the papers and said, "consider yourself served."  

Again, shaking, pounding, blinding by the shock of it all.  

I wanted to shield Ellie from it all, so my dad took Ellie as I ripped open the document.  Inside was a poorly filled out paper saying the DP stated that I was a bad parent; lying to and coercing his daughter.  He was also requesting child support from me.  And, for the grand finale, he was requesting full custody of Ellie.  

Hawaii - an Ocean Between Us

As I am writing this I am actually in Hawaii.  I am in the exact place, the exact hotel Ellie and I stayed in the time after she told me.  What a strange feeling I have in the pit of my stomach.  So many feelings colliding at once.  So many wounds wanting to be healed. 

We stepped on the airplane Thursday morning, Ellie still clinging to me like a timid youngster clings to her mother.  I just kept thinking, get us on that plane and up in the air.  I wanted to be far away from that bastard.  I wanted an ocean between us.  Not just figuratively, but literally. 

As the plane lifted, tears filled my eyes as I knew we were safe.  I hadn’t slept since she had told me and the exhaustion instantly hit me.  Fighting to keep my eyes open would prove to be hard for the 5 ½ hours ahead.  But, one 6 year old would make sure it happened. 

Work was the last thing on my mind and I realized that I had done little to none of it since things had come to light.  Figuring out how to make things happen when we were in Paradise was going to be difficult.  The company was paying for me to go over and for the hotel, so some work would need to be accomplished and I had meetings set up.  The reality hit me though that Ellie had not been out of my sight since things had come out in the open.  Was I ready for that? Was she? I tried to brush those thoughts aside as I had planned the trip so that the first few days were in fact vacation and the last few days were work.  We would figure things out as they came up. 

We arrived, got settled and we both said almost at the same time “he can’t get us here.”  It was apparently being thought by her as well.  Now it was out in the open.  As we fell asleep, a certain peace fell over us.  There was no way he would know where we were.  Even if he knew we were in Hawaii… he couldn’t find us.  That was such a blessed feeling.  I wish I could explain it.  We often take the feeling of safety for granted.  No longer.  Not in our lives.  Things had always been a little shaky.  But, now it was at a whole new level.  Now that her secret was out, we would be living in fear to a degree that no one should have to.  Right there in the comfort of the hotel bed, there was a lack of fear and it felt so good. 

We awoke more than 12 hours later. 

Sleep was obviously needed and missed by both of us.  I couldn’t remember the last time I slept for 12 hours. 

Paradise was waiting.  Ellie wanted to go to the beach.  And away we went.  It was so great to see my carefree girl again. We didn’t have to look around corners, or survey a store before going in.  It was us and we knew we were okay.  We took full advantage of it all. 

We talked a lot.  Ellie and I always talked and I guess that is why I was so surprised she didn’t tell me things sooner.  (yes, this is foreshadowing… thing(s))…  But, I guess when someone is threatening your mother, you really believe it.  You get scared.  So scared that you believe them.  The pains of that, of her keeping it all locked in her head will forever be with me.  It saddens me and makes my heart so heavy. 

She talked about her hatred toward her dad. She talked about never wanting to see him. She asked about what was going to happen to him.  She asked about moving so we would not be in danger.  She cried.  I cried.  And in the days, it was “forgotten.” Or as best as possible. 

The third night we were in Hawaii, we went to a fancier dinner where they cook the dinner in front of you and you sit with other people.  The people next to Ellie were commenting on how cute she was, talking to her throughout the night, Ellie was politely talking with them.  At one point, they asked if she was in Hawaii with her mom and dad. 

Ellie responded, “I don’t have a dad.  He did something very bad to me.  He….”

And I quickly picked up my hand and put it over her mouth before she could graphically tell our new friends what he did.  It was at this point, I knew that Ellie was going to be okay.  It was at this point that I knew Ellie would not mind sharing her story.  It was the “go ahead” I needed to hear to know that the road would be long, but she would come out on top.  There is no doubt in my mind that Ellie will end up using this in some way to help others.  She already has. 

The entire walk back, we had a conversation about why she couldn’t tell them what he did.  She is feisty.  She wants everyone to know this man did something bad.  And that is why I feel find sharing her story. 

As the week went on, the time to part came.  I had a friend watch her during the day, TH took her with her and I was much more nervous than Ellie.  Ellie was okay. It was me that was not.  Ellie spent the days having fun and I was so pleased that she was okay. 

I worked a couple days and Friday decided to take the day off.  In fact, made it mandatory for my team.  We called it team-bonding.  They found a convertible and we toured the Island.  It is one of my fondest memories of my times in Hawaii.  Ellie laughed so hard that day.  Our cares were nowhere to be found and beauty was everywhere for the eyes to see.  It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. 

 *****

We had been talking, while we were in Hawaii and what Ellie wanted, what would make her feel better and one of her answers was a dog.  If anyone knows anything about me… I am NOT a dog person.  So, when Ellie said this, I cringed.  At this point, I would have done anything for her.  Actually, in the weeks to come, I nearly did. 

While I was in Hawaii, I made some calls and pulled some strings.  I also took some very deep breaths. 

We arrived home from Hawaii on a red-eye Saturday morning at 7am.  At 8:30 we had a dog. 

Bell came into our lives as a plain old dog (well, really young pup).  But, she has turned into much more than that.  I can’t imagine our lives without her.  She brings light and happiness to Ellie in ways that I cannot begin to describe.  She has saved her more than once, yes, metaphorically.  But, saved her, nonetheless.  I feel so blessed to have that silly dog.  She was meant for us.  For Ellie.  And I think our lives would not be as rich without her. 

******

With Paradise behind us, a new dog in our house, the real world waited.  And the real world wasn’t as pretty as it once was.  

CARES... a Blanket, Some Stickers and a Left Hook

He sexually abused her on Saturday, she told me on Sunday and on Wednesday we were scheduled for CARES. 

Monday and Tuesday had been spent talking to my lawyer, the therapist and the detective.  I fell apart when I was alone; even if that meant just in the bathroom.  I smiled and tried to fake being okay in front of Ellie.  

For Ellie's part, she would not let me go anywhere without being next to me.  If I got up to leave the room, just to change the laundry, she’d ask, “where are you going?” and then she would follow.  It was as if we had a bungee cord attached to us and I couldn’t go farther than that bungee cord could pull.  Of course, I understood it and I didn’t say anything about it. I gave her lots of extra hugs and love.  She would wait outside the restroom for me.  She would walk to the mailbox with me.  She was fearful that she had just let a big secret out and I was now in danger. 

I prayed with everything I was that this was not going to threaten our plans.  We were to leave for Hawaii on Thursday.  It was a work trip, as usual.  I assumed it would turn into more of a getaway.  She knew what to expect and was excited to go.  There was no better time to get away.  The thought of having an ocean in between us and him was currently the only thing getting me through.  Please, please, don't let the lawyer say that we can't go.  

There was a lot of talk about the CARES interview with my lawyer as well as the therapist.  I was told that they look to the "reporting" parent as someone who might be telling their child to say something.  This is absolutely insane to me.  I cannot fathom that people actually do this.  The pain that we had just been in for only 72 hours was something I had never imagined.  To think that ANYONE would do this by choice is beyond what my brain can comprehend.  Because, it just wouldn't end there.  Your child would have to endure so much more.  I just didn't get it.  I didn’t give it a ton of thought, but purposefully didn’t tell Ellie about CARES until we arrived at the facility.

I was shaking on my way to the CARES appointment.  My head just kept thinking, "this really happened and she is going to have to talk about it to someone other than me." 

I was so sad.  My heart hurt. 

My baby was about to have to grow up so quickly. 

I had been practicing what I was going to say to Ellie all day.  I didn't want to say too much.  But, I wanted her to know what was happening.  I didn't want to say too much because I didn't want the chance of the to say "her mom led her this way...." 

Right before we went in, I sat in the car and I told her in order to get help, we have to tell people what happened. So, just like she told me on Sunday, she was about to tell nurses.  I told her that she needed to tell the entire truth.  And that she would not be hurt by him.  And neither would I.  I promised.  I answered her barrage of questions to the best of my ability but really didn’t know that much myself.  My main desire was for her to feel safe and know that this was a safe place.

She asked if I would be in the room with her and I told her that I would try to be, but I wasn't sure.  

I will be honest.  The way I was feeling right then, I didn't want to ever let her out of my sight again.  If I could, I would stay with her forever.  

The way that CARES worked was that they asked the parent back first and interviewed her/him and then they took the child back (alone) and did a physical exam as well as an interview.  The interview is done in a room with a one way mirror. On the other side was the detective. The child is informed of that.  It was also being videotaped so that Ellie would theoretically not have to tell her story again.  The child is informed of that as well.

I tried as hard as I could to buck the system.  I was not pleased with the idea of Ellie being in a room alone having to tell her story.  I just ached for her.  I wanted her to feel comfortable.  My heart was so sad.  

The interview with me was easy, though I cried through the entire thing.  This should not surprise anyone.  Who knew a person could have this many tears? 

I went out to the waiting room and there was Ellie, just fine.  Watching a movie, being watched by the CARES staff, having some goldfish, no issues.  She asked if I would come back and I told her that I couldn't.  I told her to be strong and she said she would be.  I also took the chance to remind her she was safe.

The tears flowed as Ellie walked back.  So strong, so tough.  

I was trying to imagine what was happening in the back as I sat in the front waiting room.  Mostly, I just wanted to throw up.  Nauseous and tired.  I hadn't slept in days. 

They finally got me from the back and I was brought to the interview room.  I saw Ellie and was happy that she looked okay.  

They explained their findings.  

They talked to Ellie and they reported that she seemed nervous to talk about what had happened. How could that be surprising? She was 6 years old.  That is so young.  Who knows what all had happened to her.  This was all she had talked about thus far.  She had been threatened by the man who abused her that if she told, he would hurt her mother.  And, now, she was talking to 2 strangers in a room about what had just happened, all while knowing that a detective was on the other side of the mirror and she was being taped. 

Damn straight she was nervous.  Of course she wasn't going to be "talkative."  Neither would I.  

She did tell them what happened.  She told them in all the repulsive details that made tears run down my face.  Disgusting details that a 6 year old should not know.  Nothing, certainly, that she could have made up.  

The issue came when Ellie said the following words:

“I'm not sure if it was on purpose or not.”  

When she was questioned further, she explained that they played what he called the “tickle game”.  She thought this might have been a different form of that same game.

I don’t want to get graphic on here, so I will try to explain that in no way could this have been any kind of game.  And the thought of a grown man playing a “tickle game” with a daughter he barely knows terrified the shit out of me even more.  (Mental note, dig into that information deeper). 

The 2 ladies escorted Ellie out and I, still a little, naïve, figured, here is where it comes down to making things happen.  At this point, the detective walked in the room.  It was the first time I had met him face to face. 

“That was really painful to watch, I’m sorry you and your daughter had to go through that,” he said. 

“Thanks,” I said, tears filling up my eyes.

“So, as you might understand, I don’t have enough information to go on to arrest him.”

No.  I didn’t understand that.  At what point was that said? What did I miss? My daughter just explained in gory details what had happened and you can’t arrest him? I was literally in shock and had to sit down. 

“I don’t get it, I’m sorry.” I said.

“Ellie said it might have been an accident and that they were playing a game. And we have that on tape. It will not hold up in court.”

Holy Shit.  Yes, a game called let me ruin your life.  A game called let me cut you with my fingernail in a place my finger should not be.  A game called oops, my clothes fell off and oh… it’s the tickle game. 

I was disgusted. 

I said, “She is six.  She is scared. He threatened my life if she told.  That is a lot hanging over her head.  You can see the fear in her.”

“I agree with all of that, but the courts wouldn’t convict him because of that.  And, it is her word against his. And, unfortunately, that is what we have for her testimony on camera”

Jesus.

“It isn’t over,” he said, “that is the good thing.” (boy, was he ever right).  “Just because I can’t go arrest him this minute doesn’t mean the case ends. I am going to go interview him and ask to inspect his house. I won’t have a warrant, so he won’t have to allow it.  Depending on how that goes, I might arrest him then. We will also get DHS involved”

I explained that we had plans to leave for Hawaii in the morning and asked if there was any reason we needed to stay.  He said no, go and get away, your little girl needs it. 

As I walked out of the room, I thought to myself, wow, our system is really fucked up.  You can’t believe a 6 year old because she is 6.  And so, he walks?  I understand the need for CARES, I believe it helps families cope after.  But I left disheartened. 

Ellie left with a blanket and a couple stickers.  And the first time asking:

 “are they going to arrest my dad?”

If I had a dime… maybe even a penny for the number of times she has asked, and fairly so, I believe, I could buy another house. 

A check in with the lawyer and an okay for Hawaii.  Please paradise, allow us some time to heal.   

Our New Regular

Sadly the decision to go or not go was not up to Ellie.

I called my new lawyer and told her what Ellie had done and DR explained that Ellie could not continue to do that.  Each time it happened, we were in contempt of court.  Now, the reality is that DP had been in contempt dozens of times to our few, but when we appeared in front of Judge R, we wanted to be as crystal clean as possible. 

I agreed to this to a point.  There would never be a time where I would physically make Ellie go.  It wasn’t in me. I couldn’t.  What I would do was try to explain how important it was to go and continue to try to make her as safe as possible.  In the meantime, DR was very insistent on us meeting with the new therapist and trying to get to the bottom of what was keeping Ellie from wanting to be with DP so badly. 

Ellie so enjoyed going to JC, her current therapist that a break from her to a new one was hard for me to imagine.  Some things do happen for a reason, I guess and at about the time that I was going to have to tell Ellie we needed to go see someone new, JC told us she was moving.  It was actually perfect timing. 

An appointment to get into the new therapist was easy to get.  I think the law firm had a little pull.  I was set up to talk to her in the morning to give her an overview and Ellie had a meeting with her the same day in the afternoon.  Ellie was a bit apprehensive.  In her mind, just another person to meet.  But, when she saw her, an instant bond was formed.  Dr. JR and Ellie hit it off.

She did a lot of play therapy with Ellie as well.  More drawing than before.  Her quick assessment was that Ellie had something to share, but she needed to be comfortable to share it.  It would take awhile.  My fear was we didn’t have awhile.  She also believed that she didn’t share the things with me because she was protecting me. 

*****

Guilt was a huge problem for me from the get go.  I felt horrible guilty that my little girl had to go through these things with this man who I had at one point picked.  I knew that something was wrong and I couldn’t fix it.  The point that the Doctor said she is protecting me, my guilt grew ten-fold.

With visitation things continued to get worse.  The times that DP did show up were few and far between.  The preparation for us to go were tough.  Me talking Ellie “into it” was painful.  I had to walk a fine balance of not being negative toward him and also try to be mindful of her fear and mine, without letting mine show.  It was a horrible situation. 

The outcomes were horrible regardless of what happened.  If he didn’t show, it meant he didn’t care, in Ellie’s eyes and I had no way to describe it, even as an adult with mediocre intelligence. 

If he did show, there was the fear of what was going to happen.  I’d feel a tug on my leg, by Ellie’s small hands, I’d see the tears in her eyes and she tried not to let them be visible to him.  And occasionally there would be the verbal altercation by her saying that she wasn’t going to go.  Most of the time, I would end up talking her into it.  I often wondered what her “punishment” would be for talking out. 

The times were always cut short.  I imagined he didn’t want to “put up” with her.  She had taken to spelling out “m-o-m-m-m-y” every time she referred to me.  And, she was stubborn. She didn’t want to go to his work. She asked to come home.  She pestered him. 

He texted early for me to come and get her.  I would happily oblige.

Visitations became very irregular.  Down to maybe once per month.  And while it was nice, I was always waiting for a shoe to drop.

Ellie continued to see her therapist, Dr JR.  I continued to get random texts in the night.  We lived in a constant fear of him.  When would we see him in the area? When would we see someone he knew? When would he just show up at our house? When would he show up for a visitation and not come back with her? When would the reality of what was happening come out of Ellie’s mouth and a new chapter begin?

Ellie continued to sink into herself a bit more.  Whatever she was holding onto was eating at her. She was nervous to go to public places.  She didn’t want to accidently run into him.  We stayed away from most places where there were many people.  I did my grocery shopping when she was in school.  Just because she wasn’t seeing him, didn’t make our lives much better. 

******

June 26, 2010

DP texted and asked if he could meet late.  It was a Saturday.  It was HIS Saturday and so I had to say yes.  He also said he couldn’t keep her long.  I told Ellie this would be a quick one, and she was willing to go. 

He kept her until 2.  It was 5 hours total.  

A Worker at Age 5

Things had bad before, but they got ridiculously worse from here on out.  DP felt a power that he had not had before.  Feeling that he had some “gold-star” from the Judge he took that and ran with it. 

Our lives became an even worse mini-series that I honestly don’t know how we lived through.  Texts in the middle of the night; threats of him “coming to get her,” cancelation upon cancelation for any time with his daughter. 

You would think the cancelation was good, but it was also eerie.   Right after the cancelation would be the threat of him coming to get her at midnight that night.  I had so many sleepless nights watching for cars, up by the window, watching the comings and goings of the neighborhood. 

When he did take her, they went to his work.  He now had a job, under the table so as not to pay child support, at the CP.  This was no place for a child, and honestly, no place for an adult.  The disgust that I feel when I think of Ellie there turns my stomach every way and inside and out.  Ellie would do two things while she was there.  She would either be locked in his office alone.  Or, she would roam the floors of this place.  So much to say!

The point of spending time with your child, in my mind, is to actually spend time with your child.  And here, Ellie was locked in a room by herself.  It was gut-wrenching to hear.  If she had to use the restroom, it was too bad, unless he came to check on her at the right time.  She was left to watch movies on his computer.  If he was going to do that with his time, why not leave it for me to actually just have her and do something productive with her?

Roaming the floors.  This place is dark, seedy, dirty and no place for a 5-6 year old to be walking around by herself.  She was given game tokens to play games and could do so on her own – after all, DP was working.  Those games could be anything from appropriate for a 5 year old to completely not.  The idea of someone taking her also never crossed his mind, of course. 

One day, Ellie came home with a rash up and down her arm.  I asked what that was from.  She said it was from working.  I asked further and she explained that DP made her wash the tables at his lovely place of employment.  I asked what she washed with and it was something in a bottle.  It was one of the few times that I emailed DP – but I went straight to my email.  It turns out that #1. Yes, he does make her work.  And #2. Yes, the cleanser is highly toxic.  And #3. No, he had no idea it was on Ellie’s arm.  And #4.  He is not surprised it burned her arm. 

I told Ellie that day, no more working.  No more chemicals. 

Ellie says to me, “does that mean, I can’t flip eggs and work in the kitchen?”

Are you kidding me?

The man continued to amaze me.  I could just picture a 5 year old flipping an egg in a restaurant and him thinking that was okay.  Not on a regular stove.  But on a restaurant, huge stove that had the potential to burn the crap out of her. 

*****

Ellie had started seeing a therapist to work through all her sadness and issues with her dad.  Dr C was great with her and Ellie really loved going.  It was my hope that Dr C could get her to talk a little more than I could about her dad. 

Whenever I tried to get her to talk, she was very quiet.  Ellie and I have an amazing relationship.  We talk about a lot of things.  But about HIM, she was always very quiet. 

The therapy helped a lot.  They did play therapy, where they either colored or played with plastic people and made them into scenes about DP and me and Ellie.  After, if Ellie gave the approval to share what had been said or what had happened, I was called into the room and told what went on. 

The things that went on in that room always shocked me and shook me to my core.  Ellie, my sweet baby girl, had the strongest, angriest feelings toward DP that I have ever heard.  It made sense, or course, but I didn’t know that was all inside her and it just ate me up that she was holding that in. 

There were reasons for it.  She just wasn't willing to share it yet.  But, we were getting closer to finding out.

**** 

One week from today, April 18^th, in just about an hour, we will be heading back to court for what I pray is the last time.  I feel compelled to write this today because as we get closer, my heart is getting heavier.  So much rides on this day. 

As I have been writing this, I am awe struck by how much my little one has had to live through.  Her entire life has been in and out of the courts.  I pray and hope that it ends next week.  Selfishly, I’d love to ask you to join me in that.  Prayers, thoughts, good feelings… whatever it is that you do.  April 18^th 9:15am. 

Thank you in advance. 

Our Mini-Series Continues

It was decided to go to court.  My lawyer, LK, figured we had enough information to get him on mental abuse and contempt of court.  We were lucky enough to get a close date.  We had a week to prepare.  I knew that I would be put on the stand.  I knew that I would be emotional.  I also knew that it was worth it.  After all, anything that would protect Ellie would be worth it. 

What DP would do or how he would act was a crap-shoot.  No one could say and it wasn’t worth hazarding a guess.  Would he admit to what he was doing or not? It would come down to his word against mine. 

I put on my “lawyer suit.” (The same suit and shirt I wore every time I went to court.  Ellie called it my lawyer suit because she thought I looked like a lawyer in it.  Personally I detested putting it on.  I tried occasionally to change the shirt underneath, but Ellie never thought it was right.  I had to trust her.  Once the zipper in my pants broke, it zipped in the back, and still wore them.  My lawyer suit… I may burn it after all is said and done.) and I was ready.  I always went to the court house too early.  It seemed like it was longer away then it really was.  Court generally started at 9:30.  My lawyer and I usually met at 9.  I was always there at least an hour early.  It was the worst possible thing.  I spent a lot of time in my car, palms sweaty, heart pounding, every scenario going through my mind. 

There are two entrances to the courthouse.  It took few trips, but I figured out which HE used and learned never to use it. 

LK met me at about 9.  We went over the questions for the umpteenth time.  I was ready. 

Standing as Judge R came in made it all too real.  While I still felt ready, I knew that it was ultimately up to him.  And, well, he has proven not to like me yet.   Maybe today was the day.

DP was still representing himself. 

LK and I sat on one side of the room.  DP sat in front of the bar on the other.  Behind him the usual folks. 

I was called to the stand first.  I talked about the issues with times – the fact that he was constantly late, the fact that he constantly canceling, the fact that he was constantly not showing up.  I had back up.  I had kept track of the time. 

I talked about the fact that he had never paid for half of her medical records, which were growing by leaps and bounds, at this point.  I showed that I had sent him the receipts asking for the money.  

My lawyer then questioned me about the word “mommy”.   Of course this was risky.  If DP had a lawyer, he could easily call “hearsay.” Knowing that DP didn’t know the law, LK figured we were okay. 

This time, the objection came from the Judge. 

“Come on, Mr K.” He said, “you know that is hearsay. I am not going to allow that.”

Stunned, LK stopped for a minute and tried to think of another way to get the same evidence in.  When he couldn’t, I was released.  DP had no questions for me.  Heart a bit heavier, I walked back to my chair.  It was now DP’s turn on the stand. 

LK asked him about being late, canceling and just not showing up.  He didn’t deny it.  He explained it by saying that sometime his work just called last minute and so he had to go.  As for being late, the documents said he could show up 15 minutes past the start time and the end time and he just said he was using that.  The Judge seemed to think that was okay. 

Then LK asked about using the word “mommy” around him.  Surprisingly, DP fully admitted that it wasn’t allowed.  I was in shock.  He explained that when Ellie was around him, he wanted it to be their time.  He didn’t want to hear about me or how I did things.  He didn’t want to hear my name or any reference to me.  So, yes, he punished her. 

The Judge, up on his chair of power, thought it was cute.  I remember him saying, “I can understand that.”

It was at that moment that I knew I was in this for the longest haul of my life.  Nothing would come easy.  Though I had the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach that something wasn’t right, that Ellie was being mistreated, possibly physically abused, definitely mentally abused, I was not being listened to.  I was not being heard. 

I was defeated.

 ******

April is national Child Abuse Awareness month. 

I never thought I’d be connected to one of the victims of these hateful and despicable crimes.  During the month of April, if there are events around you, please go.  Though we should all be doing it regularly, this gives us a time to learn how to protect our children. 

Children who live with violence and abuse learn at an early age that the world is a dangerous place. The reality is that one out of every four children in Oregon lives in a home where violence occurs and almost as many will be molested some time before their 18th birthday. Last school year 12,043 children were victims of child abuse/neglect in Oregon – 50% of these children were younger than 6 years old. 17 of these children died.

§  One in four girls and one in seven boys will be molested before the age of eighteen.

§  Family members are the perpetrators in ninety-four percent of child abuse cases.

Those are staggering statistics.  Gut wrenching.  Please be aware of the happenings in your child’s life.  Also, please pay attention to those children your child spends time with.  If you suspect a problem, by all means, talk to someone about it.  Trust your gut.  Ask questions.  Make sure you are looking at your neighborhood, and not just your own backyard.  These kids need us.