The End is in Sight

Our court battle (and, I do mean battle) has been over for just over 10 weeks and I still am finding it hard to sit and write the "ending"... For a while I thought it was because I didn't want to think about things. Then I thought maybe it was because I had a lot of other things going on in my life.  Now I realize, It is because I want to do it justice and I am afraid I can't... The accumulation of YEARS of my life and my daughters life all came down to this one day... AND WE WON...

It was not a huge, grand finish, like I somewhat wanted.  But, it is over.  100% over.

And, in writing it, I want to express every detail because it is crystal clear in my mind.  And, I worry I will fail with that task.

Buckle up, and I will do the best I can do with the most important things I think you might want to know after this long journey...




Court was currently set for April but it turns out our first and most important witness, DJ, Ellie's therapist wasn't going to be in town.  We made a motion to change the date and the next available was June 4.

At the beginning of May preparation for the trial got underway.  More correspondences between my attorney and myself.  So I wasn't taken too off guard when I got an email late May 15th.

Then I started reading.

DP's attorney was pulling out the case.  He was saying he couldn't represent his client anymore for several reasons and wanted off the case.  Apparently, you have to put in a request to be taken off, we (my side) have the right to argue, if we want, and then the judge decides whether that lawyer can be let go or not.

My attorney suggested not arguing, saying most of the time judges grant this particular motion.  Waste of money and time to argue.

We continued to get ready: lists of questions for me, subpoenaing our witnesses, lists of questions for the witnesses (I am not entirely sure that is what you call them at this point, but that is what I am going with), etc.

Getting ready for this trial now wasn't as clear cut as before.  Now, with DP representing himself, it was a crap shoot of what would happen.  No legal guidelines would be followed by him.

Ellie had an appointment to meet with her lawyer, SH, to make sure SH was representing Ellie as clearly as possible.  We sat, this time, in the big conference room.  Chairs triple Ellie's size.  10 of them around a huge wooden table. Ellie, her lawyer and myself.  Feeling small in a gigantic room. Ellie's lawyer, though big in spirit and personality, isn't much bigger than Ellie... I always feel huge next to the to two of them, but in this room, even felt small.

"I want to be there." Ellie said speaking of the court date that was approaching.

SH explained why that wasn't a good idea.  I had done so about 3 dozen times, but Ellie's drive to have the judge really hear HER was strong.  She wasn't letting it go.
SH, who is all of 85 pounds, a very petite young woman, really put her foot down after the third plea.

"Ellie, I will not allow you to be in the same room as your dad."
Ellie correct her with his name, instead of "your dad."

She then asked, is there anything you want to tell DP?

Ellie took the 8X11 yellow legal pad from SH's hands.  She wrote "I HATE U" and set down the pen.
The room was eerily quiet.

Those are strong words.

In our house we don't use the word "hate."

25 cents in a jar, if you do.  To Ellie those words are as serious as you get.

My little girl just stared straight ahead.

SH finally broke the silence.  She asked if there was anything specific Ellie wanted her to tell the judge.  Ellie asked if she could write the judge a letter.  SH thought that was a great idea and said she would give that to me and Ellie for homework.  We were there on a Wednesday and she'd like to have it by Friday.

"No," Ellie said.  "I want to write it now."
Never one to stand in her way, SH suggested we take the legal pad and I transcribe as Ellie spoke.  She'd excuse herself and be back in a bit.
Ellie started speaking.

The words that came from my little girl's mouth were intense.  She spelled it out for Judge R. as if she were an eloquent woman with many more years of wisdom than she and I had together.  She had obviously been thinking about what she would say and she was ready with words so powerful tears burned my eyes.  Someday, if Ellie wants to share that letter, I will encourage her.  It is not for me to do here.

Instead, it is for me to say our system is messed up.  For any child to have to go through what Ellie has had to endure - not just the pain of what her own flesh and blood did to her - but what the judicial system continued to do to her time and time again, dragging this mess out, is ugly.  It is hurtful and wrong and someday I hope to do something to change it.

We gave the letter to SH and I told her I hoped it was the last time I set foot in her office. She smiled and hugged us both and Ellie and I were on our way.

                                                       ********

Just before you go to court, the lawyer(s) write a summary of what they are going to say to the Judge and the court and present it to the Judge prior to the actual hearing.  I am not entirely sure of the hows and the whys behind this, but in my head it makes sense to re-familiarize the Judge with what has happened (the document also states the history of the case) and what is going to happen.  I would assume people in that role see many cases and can't keep them all clear in their heads. Then it basically also states what our side is going to present.  I think this gives the judges some time prior to court to think about what they are going to say...

Sitting with the pre-court documents from my lawyer and Ellie's lawyer a couple nights prior to our big day, my heart was so heavy. Just remembering what we had been through. And, also looking at all of the facts of this very clear cut case.  The time, energy, money, pain, sweat and tears that had gone into all of this made no sense.

Sleep was no where to be found as I played every scenario over in my head for our next appearance in court.

The day finally came.

I was, of course, first to be there. Always had been in the past, why start anything different now.

DJ, Ellie's therapist came next.  Then Ellie's attorney and finally mine.
CS (the person who said DP needed a psycho-sexual evaluation), our final witness was going to be showing up about an hour into the hearing.

DP... no where to be found.

Not there.

Court was on for a 9:30 start.

At 9:30, I knew in my heart, he wasn't coming.

As hard as I could, I pleaded with my lawyer to not let the Judge continue this.  Of course, it was not in her hands, as none of it had been all along, and she agreed with me, but I was fearful that he would again say, "we will come back in 6 months..."

9:45, "will you please stand for the Honorable JR.".

I stood. Shaking.

My side was full.
The other side of the courtroom empty.

Judge R had us sit and started speaking.

I will paraphrase, "Amy Emery is here with her counsel... yada yada yada... DP is not here."

Then he looked at me. He said, "the court has wronged you and your daughter and we owe you a sincere apology.  I am sorry you have had to go through so much to prove what you had been saying all along.  I am sorry for your daughter, because I can't imagine what she has been through and I hope you will tell her I have said that. DP will have no rights to Ellie, no access, no medical records, no access to school records.  He does not have the right to appeal."

I was a heaping pile of mush.  It was over.
The words I had so longed to hear, were spoken.

The apology, though it didn't matter a whole lot, was even sincere.  It was heart felt.  He knew, to some degree, that he had made this terrible tragedy go on far too long.

The good news on the back end, is because it was so complex and painstakingly drug out, DP cannot appeal. Done. Shut. Case closed. Gavel hit.

I sat, and cried.  They were tears of happiness and relief.  Tears that had been building for years.  Literally years.

Finally, I was able to come back to life a bit, hugs were given, congratulations were said and I felt happy.

That happiness had been seriously void from our lives for awhile.  This fight, this battle was so hard and stressful. And though we weren't constantly in court, or constantly talking about it, it was at the root of our everyday.  There was no way around that...

And, now it was over.

I drove straight to Ellie's school because I could not wait to tell her.
When I got to the front office, they called her out of her classroom and I stood in the hall.

As she rounded the corner she saw me and her gait slowed a bit.  Of course she wasn't expecting me.  She might have even been so busy in school work that she forgot was happening that day.  She was surprised to see me standing there.

I bent down to be at her level - she was still many feet away from me.

"we won." I said.

"We won?" She asked back

"YES." I yelled, probably too loudly for a hallway.

Ellie sprinted toward me and barreled into my arms.  I held her so tightly in that hallway and we both cried. Tears of joy this time.  It had been awhile.

The New Year

* This occurred January 2012

When the Judge continued to put off a decision, it was disheartening.  Many people said, "how great to not have to deal with it for another X months..."

Fill in the blank for the "X"... while we had been through the process it had been 1, it had been 6, it currently was 4.

If only it were that easy.

Sure, we didn't have another court case, we didn't have to see the Judge, I didn't have to take out my "lawyer suit." But on other hand, we didn't get a court case, we didn't get to see the Judge and I didn't get to take out my "lawyer suit."

It was hard to not be heard.  It was gut-wrenching to continue waiting.  Exhausting.  The thought of things continuing was always on our heads.  Even though we didn't speak of it directly.

Waiting.

We would go back on April 18th.

The Year Ends and Things Start Happening

* The following events occurred December 2011.

It was time to go back to court. Mid-December and our side hadn't heard anything.  I wasn't going to be caught off guard, however, if DP had come up with the other $400 he needed.  I was ready.  His side liked to sneak things in last minute.  It wouldn't be the end anyway.  We would just head to see Dr CS.

Sure enough, the day of court was nothing else than the lawyers talking to the Judge. (a time and money suck) DP had come up with the money.  I was somewhat excited.  My feeling was, let's have someone else listen to how crazy this whole thing was and get things moving.

Dr. CS wanted to meet with DP first, then me, and then Ellie. Ellie was excited.  She wanted to be heard and felt this was a step forward.

My meeting was one week after DP's.  She didn't tell me how his went.  I walked in with my folder of things that had occurred, now about 2 inches thick.  I knew everything like the back of my hand. Where to find documents, what the key dates were, etc.  I had lived this. I was not worried.

The interview was scattered, in my opinion.  I had been drilled and questioned before, but Dr CS had no rhyme or reason to go from one topic to another to another and back.  My head was spinning a bit trying to figure out where she was going.

When I got a minute to think about things after, I believe she did this purposefully.  To see if I was making things up, to see if I would get tripped up on statements made and then double back on things.  It was brilliant, when you think about it.

I got a call a couple days later.  My lawyer.

Ellie's appointment was going to be canceled.  She didn't need to meet with Dr. CS.

DP's one-hour with her had been enough for her.  She wanted him to have some testing done.  This would consist of two things... Psychosexual testing and a Cognitive Assessment.

She said that there was no point in having Ellie go through any more until we got the results back.

The tests cost a total of $2500.  He would have to pay.

And, again, we were at a standstill until he did.

Life Returns to Our Normal

I was so worried when Ellie came home that she would not bounce back and be the Ellie I knew before. She was thrilled to be home.  She wanted to touch everything, play with all her toys and was so excited to be able to sleep in her own bed.

Bell was equally happy. Finally coming downstairs, our dog was now back to normal.

Ellie had missed a full week of school.  Her classmates had sent her some notes in the hospital and her teacher sent a sweet note with her homework that had each student signing something for Ellie.  We went through it the weekend after she got home.  She had a lot of homework to do to get caught up.

Ellie was clingy, but seemed okay.  She talked often about what her stay was like in the hospital, but never brought up the visits - or I should say possibility of visits - with DP.  I didn't want to bring it up either.

That first couple of days she was home was a birthday party at our neighbors.  We had, of course, planned to go before she ended up in the hospital.  I didn't know if she would want to go with the circumstances that had happened.  When Sunday came and I threw the idea out, she asked if I would stay, and I was planning on it, and she said that she wanted to go.  I was thrilled.

I was antsy to get life back to normal, but didn't want to push things.  She was again, a bit clingy, but did really well with all the kids.  I watched with tears in my eyes so happy that my girl was back.  Whenever she smiled, I got teary... she was going to be okay.

When Monday rolled around, I wondered how she would do at school.  We rehearsed what she would say if kids asked where she has been all week. She didn't want to tell them why she was in the hospital just yet.  The anxiety that I felt was unwarranted.  She did great.

The next few weeks Ellie snapped back into being her old self.  She found her joy again and I was ecstatic.  The things she learned in the hospital followed us and she continued to amaze me every day.

She continued to go to therapy weekly.


The second week of April brought the news that DP had hired an attorney, JPB.  He was a new attorney, just out of school.

He was not the only new attorney in our lives.  April also brought SH to our lives. She was Ellie's new lawyer.  We got to meet her face to face for the first time at our house.  She came over to meet Ellie on Ellie's turf.  It was pretty amazing.  It was as if she had been a part of our lives forever.  Ellie had no fear in meeting her and let her story unfold right in front of SH.  I was touched by how great they got along.  I let the two of them be alone.  Sure enough, Ellie touched her as well.


The amazing part of this whole process is that Ellie had often been forgotten in the courtroom.  I feel like the Judge often ruled for what he thought might be best for DP.  Occasionally lately, maybe what might be best for me.  And, he often guessed what would be best for Ellie,. Even saying things like, "I am sure if Ellie were here she would say,... " Never was he right.  I felt like I was the one who knew her the most, and knew what she would say if she were there.  JR was always very far off.

The odd thing is that no one asked her.  When asked, she would gladly tell you.  Perhaps even to the point of it making it somewhat awkward.  I didn't mind.  I thought she was better of talking than me telling her to keep quiet.  She wanted nothing to do with DP.  She wished he would go to jail.  She wanted him to know how badly he hurt her and she never wanted to see him again.  Shouldn't we constantly be doing what was best for Ellie? 


That was SH's role.  


As for DP's new lawyer, he was a tool.  He spoke about Ellie, referring to her as "the girl.".  I was ashamed FOR him. 


We would end up going back to court in May.  Just a month and a half after Ellie had been released from the hospital.  


My side would be ready. We had the lady from DHS, the detective who was on our case, Ellie's therapist, Ellie's attorney, and myself ready to testify.   

The Hospital

** As a reminder, this occurred last year. March 2011. 

The doors closed and my eyes filled with tears.  And then it was all over.  I was a puddle. 

My mom and I embraced and cried.  For, I have no idea how long.  We were outside the locked door on the floor that kept Ellie safe. 

We decided to meet at my house.  I had no desire to talk to anyone.  I wanted to crawl under the covers of my bed and stay there until I could have my daughter back.  This was not what our lives were suppose to be like.

I knew I had to let some people know.  I had several messages.  I hadn’t realized how long we had been in the hospital – but it had been several hours. 

I sent a pretty blanket email to several a group of friends and then called my lawyer.  I knew she had to know.  She wasn’t available, so I called her assistant.  Immediately, I broke into tears retelling the events of the past few days. 

“So, Ellie is in the psychiatric ward?” he asked again, trying to wrap his head around it.

“Yes.” I confirmed.

He said he would have DR call me, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone.  He said he was sorry and we hung up.  The rest of the drive home is a blur.  Once there, my mom insisted I take a shower and then lay down.  My phone was ringing off the hook as news spread among my friends, but again, I was not interested in talking. What was there to say?

I wanted to pick up a few things for Ellie now that I knew a little better what she was facing and so we made a trip to Walgreens before we headed back to see her.  We had really just left.  But, the only visiting times were lunch and dinner so, we were heading back.  I wondered what she would look like and how her day had been.  She was the youngest there at the moment. She was also the only female.  Knowing my Ellie, she was holding her own. 

The routine was you went to a special elevator, went to a special floor which contained 2 locked doors.  One was for the older kids, one the younger.  Each had a phone.   You picked it up and automatically someone at the desk answered.  You identified yourself and if you were on the list of approved visitors, you were let in.  Each time, it was gut-wrenching. Each time, I was reminded that DP was not allowed.  I was reminded at the peace of mind that gave Ellie. 

The first night, I thought would be the hardest.  Afterall, the only time she had been away was with family and once or twice at friends.  This was HUGE.  They talked to me about possibly putting her on some medication to help her sleep.  I had fought medication all this time.  Her therapist had mentioned it before, but I wanted to try not to use it, if at all possible.  And yet, here we were. 

Ellie had had an okay afternoon.  She was okay.  I can’t say she was much better.  She reminded us several times that DP was not allowed on the floor.  That was the saving grace right now.  If that is what was holding her together, then I was all for it.  I would use that too.  We put some things around her room to make it a little brighter.   And watched her eat dinner.  She was happy she was able to order anything she wanted; that was pretty cool.  She introduced us to the boys, in so much as just telling us about them.  They had been nice to her and welcomed her.  There was a nurse she especially loved and who I believed had taken a special liking to Ellie as well.  She felt okay about spending the night. 

I was introduced to a watchman, of sorts, who told me he would be outside Ellie’s room and make sure she was okay and I could call him every hour if I needed to.  I told him to be ready. 

The visiting hour was up too quickly.  I hid a special chocolate bunny for Ellie to find after we left and we hugged and kissed her good night.  She was locked safely behind us. 

My parents left soon after we got home. 

Then it was just me.  I should say, me and Bell. 

It had been awhile since I hadn’t had Ellie around and the house was quiet.  Too quiet.

I called to check on her and she was taking a bath. 

That night I believe I called 3 times.  She was fast asleep each time.  They had given her something to help her sleep. Just some Melatonin at this point.  I think she would have slept, regardless.  It was probably the first time in a long time she truly felt safe.  Like the man who had hurt her so badly could not get her.  She was protected by a locked door and security.  This is where she needed to be.

The following day, Saturday, after no sleep, I was so anxious to see her.  My mom came up to meet her for lunch and we headed over.  She was happy to see us.  She was excited about the small things – once again that she could order pretty much anything, that she had found the chocolate rabbit.  And the big things – DP could not get her.  We checked out the itinerary for the day.  And she seemed okay with everything.  They had art therapy, music therapy, small groups, one-on-ones.  Her therapist happened to be the doctor on call that weekend and she came as well to meet us and talk to me about medication.  At this point, it might be prudent to put Ellie on a low dose anti-depressant.  After talks with a nurse yesterday, she was diagnosed with Suicidal Ideation and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  As much as I was against it initially, I caved.

After visiting with her, my mom headed home. 

I tried to get on with something in my days, but had nothing.  I wanted to curl up and watch the clock until it was time to see her for dinner.  I checked in with my lawyer.  She had sent an email to DP saying that visitation was off (it was suppose to start Sunday) and gave him the reason.  She said that Ellie was in a hospital and had suicidal ideations and needed to be there.  She further asked that he not try to see her and even if he did, he would be turned away.  Monday we would have more information on the legal side. 

I felt good about that.

I decided I needed to get some things for Ellie so I told my close neighbors about what had happened.  Ever lovely and supportive, they listened and let me cry.  They made lovely cards for her so I could take them to her.  It started what would be great colorful things keepsakes for Ellie to enjoy at the hospital and look back on after.

I started to think about my week ahead.  I wanted to be at every single lunch and dinner.  I didn’t want to miss any of them.  This happened to coincide with one of the busiest weeks of work.  I had been scheduled to be out of town two days and didn’t know how to handle it. I also wanted to, of course, be there when she got out and home probably several days after.  By my mom’s advice, I held off on anything because at that point, we didn’t know how long she would be there.  I could make it to most days, missing one lunch and still get to where I needed to be. 

********

Sunday, early, there was a knock on the door. 

It was L and DP.  They were there to get Ellie for the visit.  I had not slept in several days now and I could not believe who was at my door.  This was the last thing I wanted/needed to face.  I don’t remember the last time I had a conversation with DP.  I can’t remember the last time we were face to face. 

I opened the door and L said, “we are here to get Ellie.”

“DP, haven’t you read your email?” I asked, ignoring L.

“Um… have I?” he turned to L.

What the fuck? That was just weird.  Did he just ask her if he checked his email?

“Why?” L asked.

“Is he not capable of having a conversation on his own?” I asked L, now raising my voice.

DP just stood there.  As if he literally weren’t .  Really. 

I wasn’t sure what to make of what I was watching, but I was in no mood. 

“Ellie is in the hospital.  She is not here. Check your email. You have one from Friday.”

“Why is she in the hospital? Which one?” L asked

What the fuck was going on?

“I am not telling you which one.  Neither of you.  She is in there because she is suicidal.”

“She is too young to be suicidal.” L said, obviously having studied child psychology sometime in her past. Who the hell was she telling me this bullshit on my front step?

I became irate.  I was done with this conversation.

“Well, she is not too young. And I am done with this. It is all in the email.  DO NOT try to find her.” I put way too much emphasize on the last part and slammed the door.

I called my lawyer, relayed the story and she said she would need to fix it. She understood, though.  I had apparently stepped over a line.  I should have not yelled, nor should I have told him the last part.  He should have known it from the previous paperwork.  At that point, I didn’t care.  I could have and wanted to say so many other things.  Truth is, she was in there because of him.  I could have and wanted to say that.  I wanted to have him understand that.  But, truth is, he either wasn’t capable or didn’t care. 

Checking Into the Hospital

**as a reminder this occurred in the past. March 2011.

After the decision was made that Ellie would go to the hospital it was a matter of seconds that we were packing.  Her therapist thought she would be there for 2 nights and so we packed accordingly.  As Ellie got her bag ready, I picked up the phone to call my mom and dad.  I knew they were at the beach, but wanted to let them know.

Truth is, I have never wanted them to answer the phone more than at that moment.  The phone rang and rang and rang and finally after the 3rd ring, my mom, nearly out of breath, picked up with a cheerful, "hello?".

I, as calmly as I could, told her what was about to happen.
"I'm taking Ellie to the hospital." And then came the words I never thought I would have to say, "she is being checked in for suicidal ideation."

My mom, silent for a moment, said, "we are on our way."

I knew they were a good 2 hours from the hospital and said, no.  I was certain we would be done with the check in process by the time we got there and there was no reason to ruin their Spring Break to come for nothing.  But, she insisted and I was secretly thankful.

Ellie had finished packing.  A couple days worth of clothes, we put in some pictures of me and a few of Bell. She decided to take her pillow-pet and we were off.

The entire thing, from decision to getting in the car took maybe 10 minutes.  We didn't rush, but instead moved with a pace that was determined.  Ellie, and all of her 6 years, was calm and focused.  The most focused she had been all week.  She understood that she would be spending the night, and while that scared the shit out of me, she seemed just fine with it.

As we drove over we spoke a little about how she was feeling.  She asked questions about what to expect and I answered as best I could with the very limited knowledge I had.  She told me she thought she needed to be there.  I told her I thought that was brave and that the most important thing right now was getting better.  Fingers in her mouth, she rested the remainder of the drive.

We were met in the lobby by two ladies who knew we were coming.  One was a teenager, and I believe a volunteer who chatted with Ellie to keep her occupied.  My heart was literally beating a mile a minute and it was all I could do to match Ellie's brave face.

When we finally made it up the secret elevator to the special floor and through the locked doors, my heart stopped.  Was this really happening? Was I really putting my daughter into a psychiatric ward? Everything seemed so wrong and I felt horrible pangs of sadness.  How could this be her life? This little girl so full of joy was now at the bottom and it was all so wrong.

And then it got worse.  We were shown Ellie's room.  Pure white.  Stark white.  Nothing but white.  White walls, white linens on a small bed in the middle of a small room.  Nothing on the walls.  One small desk.  White drapes for the windows.  She had her own bathroom, which contained nothing.  The mirror, fake.  A toilet, a sink.  No color.

I thought Ellie would break at this point.  But she didn't.

She and the volunteer would check her stuff in while I did some administration things to get her checked in.  I was terrified to leave her side, but, again, Ellie bravely showed me that she was okay and walked off.

Once I got behind closed doors I broke down.  I mean, the flood gates let loose.  Was I doing the right thing? Was she going to be okay? Should she really be here? She is only 6 and why is this happening? The woman who was working with me was very calming and obviously used to this reaction.  She went through the things that should have made me feel better and I tried to listen as my mind was racing about how we got here and how dare DP fuck up our lives like this.

About mid-way through, Ellie's therapist came in.  I was happy to see her and she reported that she had come by to see Ellie and welcome her.  She tried to remind me that this is where Ellie needed to be.  And that all was going to be okay.  Through my tears, I had nothing to do, but try to believe her.

I was given some time to pull myself together and then come out and find Ellie.  She was in her room and happy because she got to order whatever she wanted for lunch - the other kids had already eaten and she needed to eat... so Mac-n-Cheese was on its way.

It was the first time we had a chance to be alone.

"What do you think?" I sheepishly asked.

"I like it" she said.

In my head I thought - what the hell do you like? Again, I was blown away by this little person who was so amazingly strong.

Her food arrived and with it a few items that would have to be returned home.  We had brought tennis shoes, with laces and those were a no-no.  Pictures were okay - but not the frames, they contained glass.  As the items were returned to me, things became more and more real and the lump in my throat grew.  Laces and glass.  Of course.  This is bigger than I thought.  Surely Ellie wasn't at this point. But, were the other kids?

Again we were left alone.  As Ellie ate her Mac-n-Cheese.  I told her we needed to brighten her room up.  She agreed.  I asked how she felt about staying and she said she felt okay.  She said she had been told by Dr J that her dad was not allowed to come.  That the floor was locked and you had to check in and only certain people could come in.  He was on a list that was the police list.  She was actually shown that.

It all started to make sense to me now.  She felt safe.  For the first time in who knows how long, my little girl felt safe.

The woman who had spoken with me, peeked her head in and said that grandma and grandpa were here.  I couldn't believe they had found us. I wanted to warn them about the room and also about how badly Ellie looked so I ran out and caught them before they walked in.  I could tell my mom and maybe even my dad had been crying.  When my mom saw me, it started again.  I stopped them both and I said, before you come in, you need to know the whole room is white, it is sad and depressing and Ellie looks bad. But, she is probably in the best shape of all of us and I don't want that ruined.  So, compose yourselves before you walk in, because there can be no tears in front of her.

I went back in and Ellie was thrilled that she had gotten some ice cream.  She was digging into that as I was looking at the daily schedule and going over that with her.  Then my mom and dad came in.  She was happy to see them.  I watched as my mom held back tears and took deep breaths.  But, again, they followed Ellie's lead.  Ellie explained to them that her dad couldn't get on the floor and wanted to show them the list before we all left.  She felt a great deal of empowerment with this.  Bless her heart.

After she was finished eating we went over her schedule and took a little tour, met some of the kids, the nurses and it was time for her to join the group.  Which meant it was time for us to leave.  I wasn't ready.

She was so small, so young.  And had never been away from me at a non-relatives or very close friends and I was terrified.  I mean, I knew she would be safe, but I felt like this was such a hard place to leave her.  My heart was so sad.

My mom and dad said good-bye and left us alone.

I told her how proud I was and how much I loved her.  I said that she could call anytime, she just needed to ask.  And I said I would be back at dinner time.  And with that, the person who guards the door, let me out.

The Outcome of the Judge's Decision

** As a reminder, this is a blog looking back at things in the past.  This happened approximately March 22-26, 2010.**




Generally we have a pow-wow after each court case.  This time I couldn't get to the car fast enough.  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I know DR wanted to comfort me.  I know she wanted to let me know what was next.  I know she wanted to say it would be okay.  

I left the conversation from DR, L and me and I made a beeline to my car.  I didn't say good-bye.  I couldn't.  I was a mess.  I was in a place I hadn't been before.  

I was having trouble getting a breath in.  Not like the exercised induced asthma I had had as a child, but actually having something so heavy on my chest I couldn't breathe.  Or was it that I didn't want to breathe? 

Again, the huge surprise about the verdict and now facing telling Ellie and finally facing the fact that in a few short days Ellie would have to see DP and L was caving in on me. 

******

I drove to my good friend RW's house, knowing full well, I was in no shape to go home just yet.  We cried together, we went back through the day, we tried to come up with ideas of what to tell Ellie.  And then we started to make a list.  Actually two lists.  One if the meeting actually went through. And two if the meeting didn't.  

I could always count on RW to be rational  She was I guess the ying to my yang.  Slowed me down. Thought through things I never would have thought of.  I needed that especially right now.  

While I was there I got a call from my lawyer checking on me.  I didn't answer the first and I did answer the second.  I wept through the call.  I didn't cry, I WEPT. She said she was sorry and that she didn't see it coming.  She was just as surprised by me.  She stated that the next move was that Ellie get her own attorney.  She had 2 people in mind.  The only thing that Ellie needed to do was to write a letter to the Judge telling him that she wanted a lawyer.  

We had two pretty good lists.  

We rehearsed the talk with Ellie several times.  

Time after time, I fell apart.  I cried so many tears that day.  

At one point, I couldn't prolong it anymore.  And I had a huge ache to see my girl.  

******

My mom and dad were both there watching Ellie.  I had called my mom after and just cried into the phone that it went horribly and I would be home when I got myself together.  Ellie had asked my mom several times what had happened in court and my mom told her that I would tell her when I got home.  I called to let them know I was on my way.  The 5 minute drive from RW's house took about 20 minutes.  

As I drove up and in the garage, there was Ellie's sweet face ... waiting.  Jumping up and down, yelling, "did you win, mommy, did you win?".  I felt the tears and gulped as hard as I possibly could.  I ran to her and picked her up.  I said, "today was a hard day, sweetie. We need to talk about it."

I walked her upstairs to where my parents where and I could see my mom had tears in her eyes.  I shook my head at her as to say, "it isn't good." 

"Mommy didn't win." Ellie announced.  

"I didn't, Ellie" I said, "But, we are going to be just fine. We need to figure some things out and we will be fine."

"Do I have to see my dad?" She asked, big brown eyes, looking up at me. 

"Maybe." I said, "But I am going to do everything in my power to stop it."

"I'm not going," Ellie said. I could see the tears building in her eyes.  Her thin arms wrapped around my neck and squeezed as tight as they could.  I didn't mind that it hurt a little.  I could feel every ounce of love from them.  

I wanted Ellie to hear the news first so I took her to her bedroom and sat her on her bed.  I explained that Judge didn't allow me to speak or anyone else.  He kind of had his mind made up.  And because DP hadn't seen Ellie in such a long time, he thought it would be fair for DP to start seeing Ellie again.  At that, Ellie started panic.  She got down from the bed and paced. 

"NO." she said. 

"Let me finish, Ellie." I said.  I had her sit down and this time held her.  I explained that in cases like this there was someone called a supervisor and the Judge picked L to be their supervisor.  At this, Ellie nearly came unglued.  The questions were coming left and right and I just didn't have answers.  As her panicked state began to pick up quickly she also started to cry.  I asked if she could just hang in there until I was done with what happened so I could tell her my plan and then we could go tell Nana and Papa.  

She did and we did. 

My plan was not great.  It started with something easy, which was Ellie getting a lawyer.  This seemed pretty cool to Ellie and she was off once I told her that all she needed to do was to ask for one (oh, how this changes our lives... and our pocketbooks... but, most importantly our lives).  

My next plan was to go get Ellie a phone.  We were nearing the end of Tuesday and while I would work my tush off until the visitation was suppose to start to get it changed, I had to also plan for the worst and that was that the visits would go through.  One thing would be keeping her safe.  A phone, maybe a little camera somewhere on her body, yes... I am Jack Bauer and I don't eat or sleep in 24 hours, but I do a lot of other things.  Don't mess with my kid. 

My mom and dad stayed while I went to get her a phone.  And look for a spy store (I'm not playing around).  

******

I got a couple more things checked off the list on that day - a meeting with Ellie's therapist for the following day, a call with my lawyer, some research on the internet and it was day over.

 *****

Wednesday started with Ellie coming into my room in tears and saying, I'm not going with him. Please don't make me go.  I hadn't slept a wink and knew right away who and what she was talking about.  Of course if I didn't let her go, I was breaking the law.  

I had already had plans to have cameras set up because if Ellie put up a tremendous fuss I would call it off.  I was planning on making sure she didn't know about the cameras because I didn't want those to CAUSE her to act a certain way.  But, I also wanted everything caught on video.  I would never force her to go.  Never.  

I decided we would drive to Seattle that day to get her mind off things and hopefully have some fun.  Little did I know that my 6 year old would regress several years right before my eyes that day.  

The car right started off great.  Ellie was excited.  She had several stuffed animals with her - ahhh... what did I care, that was easy enough.  All who know Ellie know that things are rarely quiet when she is around.  But, it was quiet in the backseat.  

"What's going on back there?" I'd ask... 

"Nothing." came the baby-talk voice.  I'd take a peak and her fingers were in her mouth (never a thumb sucker, always 2-fingers, upside down).  

At first I tried to stop it and then I let it go, realizing what was happening but not to what degree.  

"Hey... Els... do you want to talk about it?" I'd say

"Yes," she would reply. 

"Okay."

"I'm not going, mom.  I am just not going." 

"Well, the law says you have to.  I know it isn't fair and I don't even understand it.  But, you will be protected.  I will make sure of that. I promise."

"I'm not going." 

"So what is going to happen when he comes to the door?"

"I will answer it and I will tell him that I hate him and that I never want to see him again and I will close the door on him. And then I will call 911 and have them arrest him because he should be in jail." 

and... I'm speechless... with tears in my eyes driving to Seattle.  

I take a deep breath and I say (not believing anything that is about to come out of my mouth) "You know we are going to be okay, either way, right?"

And she breaks down in tears.  

I don't blame her, I want to too.  

*******

After getting her calmed down on the side of the road, we are back on track to Seattle.  There are a couple of smiles here and there, but mostly, she is literally in a ball in her car seat, fingers  in her mouth, blanket (who is not allowed off her bed, in normal circumstances ... yes, i said who), in her lap, playing her DSI. 

This was my Ellie.  She even figured out a way to use the pen for her DSI so she didn't have to take her fingers out of her mouth.  

When we got to Seattle she decide she wanted to stay. She decided that Bell, our dog, would find us and Nana would send us our clothes.  She did not want to go home.   We rested in a hotel and headed back.  The weather was bad and Ellie was in no condition to do anything.  Ellie cried for much of the way back and then started wetting herself.  I knew we were declining quickly and that this was a serious situation.  She would apologize profusely, cry more and I just wanted to get home. 

Bell was there to greet us and that was a welcome treat.  Bell always brought Ellie some much needed happiness.  

As I finally got to get an up close look at her after our drive I noticed that she had huge chunks of hair missing.  I asked Ellie about it and she was very honest.  

"I've just been picking at my hair." she said.  

"Are you pulling it out?" I asked

"Yes." simple.  Came the reply

I went to car to see if I could find the damage - there sat a pile of Ellie's sweet curly, thick hair.  A good chunk.  I couldn't scold her.  I could sit her down and have a heart-to-heart. 

But, first had to wipe the tears and compose myself. 

**********

I got Ellie to bed early that night.  It was far too easy. She didn't want to do anything.  So, bed seemed like the obvious next step.  This wasn't my child.  My child giggled, she laughed, she sang crazy songs.  I was watching Ellie disappear before my very eyes. 

"Mom, what is the difference be Heaven and Hell?" Ellie asked as I lay down beside her to read a book.  

At that point right there, there was no question in my mind we were headed into uncharted territories for us.  

E and I have a very close relationship. We talk about everything.  We have been blessed with that, probably because it is just the two of us.  But, this was getting scary, because I knew what was on her mind.  

"Why do you want to know, Ellie?" I asked. 

"Just because," she tried to get by.

"Why? Ellie." 

"Well, because if I go to Heaven I won't have to see him, right?".  

"Look, Ellie, we are not going to have this conversation right now, okay.  

"But, Mommy, is it true?" 

"Ellie, there is no point in talking about it. You going to Heaven is a VERY long time away.  I will not talk about death with you today, tomorrow or in the near future.  I just won't.  Do you understand that?"

Ellie nodded.  

I kissed her goodnight and with eyes streaming out of my eyes, I left her room.  

*********

Thursday morning.  We were going to meet RW and her kids at the zoo.  Ellie was sleeping in and I didn't want to wake her.  Little did I know that when I went to check on her around 10 (!) she wasn't really sleeping at all... but just not wanting to get up.  What? This wasn't Ellie Emery.  

We talked a bit and of course it was the "countdown" that was bugging her.  Now, I am not going to lie - it was bugging me too.  I was doing everything I could legally to get it overturned.  I was writing DHS, the detective, I was doing anything I could have done to try to get it stopped.  I was also preparing for the worst.  Getting the people in place for the cameras, making sure she her clothes were marked clearly with my phone number, getting her phone ready for easy use.  

Ellie would not get out of bed.  She asked me more questions about Heaven and Hell.  She questions were ones that made me have goose bumps.

It hit me.  This is a bigger problem than I can handle.  She now had pulled her eyebrows out as well.  I coaxed her upstairs finally around 11:30 and sat her on the coach where she sat, finger in the mouth, a shell of a person, sobbing motion, but no sounds, and few tears; none were left.  

I called her therapist with a 911 page. She called back immediately and I brought her up to speed on Ellie's quick down fall.  She said she wasn't all that surprised and told me that there was one thing we could possibly do, but if I said yes, I had to do it.  At the Good Sam Hospital there is a small Psychiatric Ward for children - only 4 beds.  She could see if one was open.  If we said yes, we'd have to take it.  

I didn't want to say yes without asking Ellie.  And she respected that.  I asked if I could page her back. 

"Ellie, I was just talking to Dr J," I started, "and she and I both know that this is very hard right now.  I have an idea that I want to see what you think about it.  There is a hospital that helps litt"

"I want to go" 

Before I could get the words out of my mouth, Ellie knew that she needed to go.  She was in.  She knew she needed help and she was ready.  

We got one of four beds and I believe it saved Ellie's life. 

Father's Day for a Little Girl Sexually Abused by the Man She Briefly Called Father

Leading up to this day has been nothing short of painful.  Nights of lost sleep, nightmares, Ellie's Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome showing itself in the highest form.  Why has it shown its ugly head? I don't know.  Her therapist, whom we have been seeing diligently for over 2 years doesn't know.  Is it because of Father's Day? Is it because the anniversary of Ellie coming out over the Sexual Abuse is coming up?

What I was hoping was the things would pop back into place after Father's Day over.  What I realize is that is probably not the case.  Things are only getting worse.

But, what I do know is that when I woke up this morning and my happy, sweet, full of life 8 year old was in a ball under her bed, today was going to be a very hard day.

We are nearing the 2-year anniversary of Ellie coming out with the news of the sexual abuse.  And for her, of course, life will never be the same.  One of the hardest days will remain Father's Day.

Today my heart has been ripped out in several situations and I am impressed by my little girl's ability to keep going.  We have learned to turn the radio down during commercials, we have learned to watch DVR'd TV and fast forward during the commercials so we don't have to watch what other's should buy for their fathers for Father's Day.  As silly as it sounds, one of the things the therapist told us to do is pick two songs and sing them when she gets to that "dark place." We have been singing a lot.

Some may think I am catering to her.  Here is the deal.  Any way I can make this day easier on her, you better believe I will.  One of my main missions right now is to help her not think about "him." And, if everything is talking about how great having a dad is, it just makes it even worse.  Not only does she not have one (in her mind, she has completely disassociated from him), but really, the one she does have abused her: mentally, physically and in the end, sexually.

At school she was asked to do a Father's Day present.  (I had of course, prepped the substitute teacher about her situation) and she was STILL asked to do it.  Ellie's response was "I don't have a dad."
The sub said, "Ellie, everyone has a dad."
"I don't."
All the kids jumped in with "you don't have a dad?"
And the poking fun began.

I have tried to put myself in her shoes.  The world is telling you to celebrate your dad.  I know people have lost their fathers to death and I cannot imagine that pain either.  But, here is a totally different feeling.  And no one has a clue how badly the things he did has hurt her.  Yes, she is only 8, but the wounds run so deep that this is just a cruel joke.

Here is the reality, is today harder than yesterday? Yeah... yesterday she wasn't under the bed when I woke up.  Is she going through a hard time? Yes.  Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is very real.  Was I hoping that it was Father's Day that brought it on? Absolutely.  I was hoping that today was going to be the worst day and life would even out ... and maybe it will ... For now... we are doing the best we can with what we have.  She laughed today.  And that sounds great.  So, Fuck her dad.  He was never a father anyway.  I hope he is suffering today.  I hope the pain he is feeling is deep.




If anyone is interested in PTSD in children:

Studies show that PTSD occurs in 1%-14% of the population. It can be diagnosed at at any age, and can occur as a sudden, short-term response or develop gradually and become chronic or persistent.

Most people with the post traumatic stress disorder try to avoid any reminders or thoughts of the trauma. Despite this avoidance, they often re-experience the ordeal in the form of intense "flashbacks," memories, nightmares, or frightening thoughts, especially when they're re-exposed to events or objects that remind them of the trauma.

The number 1 cause of PTSD listed is rape. 

These symptoms often continue for years following the trauma or, in some cases, may subside and return later in life if another event triggers memories of the trauma. In fact, anniversaries of the event can often cause a flood of emotions and unpleasant memories.

Things people with PTSD are likely to do: 

• avoiding activities, places, or people 
• lack of interest and participation in activities 
• feeling detached or estranged from others
• limited range of emotions
• sense that they will not live to graduate college, get married, have kids, etc.

Here are some things that help those going through PTSD:

• Most kids will need a period of adjustment following a stressful event, so during this time, it's especially important for parents to offer support and love, and to monitor their kids carefully.
• Let them talk about the traumatic event when and if they feel ready. It's important not to force the issue if kids don't feel like sharing their thoughts. Praise them for being strong when they do talk about it. Your child may prefer to draw or write about their experiences. Either way, encouragement and praise can help your child get their feelings out.
• Reassure them that their feelings are normal and that they're not "going crazy." Support and understanding from parents can help kids process difficult feelings.
• Get professional help immediately if there's any suspicion that a child has thoughts of self-harm. Thoughts of suicide are serious at any age and require prompt and effective intervention.
• Help build self-confidence by encouraging kids to make everyday decisions whenever appropriate. PTSD can make a child feel powerless, so parents can help by showing their kids that they have control over certain aspects of their lives. Depending on their children's ages, parents might consider letting them decide things like what's for dinner, what to wear, or select a weekend activity.
• Tell them that the traumatic event is not their fault. Encourage kids to talk about their feelings of guilt, but don't let them blame themselves for what happened.
• Do not criticize regressive behavior (returning to a previous level of development). If children want to sleep with the lights on or take a favorite stuffed animal to bed, it's perfectly normal and can help them feel better.

Pictures Worth More Than 1,000 Words

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  This week I have decided to share some pictures Ellie has drawn. Probably harder to take in than most of the other blogs, I think.  Ellie writes as well, in her journal.  But, here, she shares some intense feelings through her pictures.  These are some of the dozens she has drawn on her own or as school projects.  As I have mentioned before.  Nothing to hide

This one, a little hard to read, was one of the first show drew and wrote.  "My dad is suppose to go to jail.  I will always remember that.".

Another Visit to Court

 So, there I stood holding papers obviously filled out by someone other than DP, or DP had forgotten how to spell his name, as his first name was spelled incorrectly, just stunned.  Really? Full custody.  

Lord have mercy, this is the last thing I needed right now.  

I tried to read through the garbage and muddled print in the pages and finally gave up.  I called my lawyer in the morning and scanned the pages over to her.  She asked if they were delivered by someone certified.  No.  The papers were all a mess.  I was put in the plaintiff category, he was the defensive.  Several other things were incorrect as well and finally I had to laugh about it.  The reality though, nothing was funny.  

How could this man just walk into a courthouse and freely decide to do something like this? Again, dumbfounded.  The dates for this case were even before the one that we had scheduled, so we would be going to court quickly.  Also an error on his part as you need to give ample time to the parties involved.  I believe I had 3 days notice.  

There was nothing in me that thought the Judge would really give him anything that he was asking for.  But, here is the deal - the Judge had me completely guessing and I truly never knew what he was going to rule. So, I didn't know.  

Going to court is very odd, in that you can only talk about certain things at that particular time.  At this time we were going to talk about this ridiculous motion that DP had given to me to take Ellie from me.  Because it was specific to that, we could not bring up the fact that I was being harassed by phone calls or texts.  It was only about this stupid, useless, ridiculous, outlandish court case.  

I don't think I have talked about finances yet.  Going to court is not inexpensive.  Now, believe me, I would do anything it took to take care of Ellie in the proper way.  But, it is things like this that really chap my hide.  My lawyer has to now prepare for a preposterous case and I get billed for every hour, heck, every minute she does so.  We can talk more about finances later. 

I have yet to talk about DR and how she handles things in court.  She lives far away from the Hillsboro court house.  Our cases have always started at 9:30.  And, as I stated before,  I am always there around 7:30, just to be safe.  You never know what will happen in that two hours… oy.  So, when DR comes to court, she shows up at 9:30 and it drives me crazy.  It generally is because of traffic and I trust her 100% that she will be there, but I don’t do well with it. 

Sure enough, on court day, she was there.  I had my “lawyer suit” on, of course. 

We were ready and she was certain it was going to be fast.  The way she thought it was going to go was that the judge would simply throw his case out and ask to see us on the date that already existed in just a few weeks. 

DP showed up, no lawyer still.  Same posse behind him. 

We were the first people called to the front.  Above the bar we went.

Judge Raines asked DP if he knew what he had filled out and DP said yes.  He explained that he had filled out the wrong papers.  He also explained that he couldn’t fill any papers out right now because we (our team, so to speak) had already put something out to say that DP was in contempt of court.  That was what was on the table.  Nothing else could be heard.  DP didn’t understand it.  It had to be explained again.  I wanted to ask if Judge R could break it down as if he was talking to a 2^nd grader, but I held my tongue. 

DR asked for her time to be paid because this was a ridiculous situation (I am sure she put it in much more professional terms).  The Judge said no to that.  She would never see that money.  Was basically what he said.  It was true. 

He said that he would see us in a few weeks. 

******

Meanwhile therapy was continuing for Ellie.  She was going weekly and was making huge progress.  I was, and continue to be very proud of her.  We had found the perfect therapist for her.  

While things were painful, through much talking, play therapy, coloring and tough quiet times, Ellie let the therapist in enough to know that the sexual abuse was not a one-time thing.  Sadly, it was far from it.  She allowed me to sit in after the hour and Ellie told me as well.  That time when you hear it again and try to hold everything in is excruciating.  I didn’t want to get emotional, because I didn’t want Ellie to get sad. 

Part of the issue with Ellie keeping it in was that DP threatened to hurt me.  Whenever he put her down in that FM store and whispered in Ellie’s ear, the whisper was “if you tell your mom, I will hurt her.”

I’d like to stop and have you think about that for a minute.  Can you imagine that? He probably had just abused her, was dropping her off for the night and who knows when he would see her again and that was what he left her with. 

And then, my 6 year old (at the time) had to walk over and pretend that everything was okay.  She had to go on with things like it was okay, holding everything inside.  Can you even begin to imagine how much weight that puts on that little girl’s shoulders?  It breaks my heart.  How did I not know? The idea that something was wrong was there, I just didn’t know how big.  It kills me to think about. 

How could anyone do this to his own child?

The details were nearly too much to take.  But, I listened.  And I ached.  And I was so proud of Ellie for finally opening up and setting herself free and at the same time I wondered, how much more will there be?

We still deal with the physical repercussions of what he did to her on a fairly consistent basis.  UTIs and such are a reminder that sadly we live with. 

The damage of sexual abuse runs deep.  Physical, mental, emotional.  Once it happens, you can’t hide from it and you can’t forget it happened.  Constant reminders are always there.  

Hawaii - an Ocean Between Us

As I am writing this I am actually in Hawaii.  I am in the exact place, the exact hotel Ellie and I stayed in the time after she told me.  What a strange feeling I have in the pit of my stomach.  So many feelings colliding at once.  So many wounds wanting to be healed. 

We stepped on the airplane Thursday morning, Ellie still clinging to me like a timid youngster clings to her mother.  I just kept thinking, get us on that plane and up in the air.  I wanted to be far away from that bastard.  I wanted an ocean between us.  Not just figuratively, but literally. 

As the plane lifted, tears filled my eyes as I knew we were safe.  I hadn’t slept since she had told me and the exhaustion instantly hit me.  Fighting to keep my eyes open would prove to be hard for the 5 ½ hours ahead.  But, one 6 year old would make sure it happened. 

Work was the last thing on my mind and I realized that I had done little to none of it since things had come to light.  Figuring out how to make things happen when we were in Paradise was going to be difficult.  The company was paying for me to go over and for the hotel, so some work would need to be accomplished and I had meetings set up.  The reality hit me though that Ellie had not been out of my sight since things had come out in the open.  Was I ready for that? Was she? I tried to brush those thoughts aside as I had planned the trip so that the first few days were in fact vacation and the last few days were work.  We would figure things out as they came up. 

We arrived, got settled and we both said almost at the same time “he can’t get us here.”  It was apparently being thought by her as well.  Now it was out in the open.  As we fell asleep, a certain peace fell over us.  There was no way he would know where we were.  Even if he knew we were in Hawaii… he couldn’t find us.  That was such a blessed feeling.  I wish I could explain it.  We often take the feeling of safety for granted.  No longer.  Not in our lives.  Things had always been a little shaky.  But, now it was at a whole new level.  Now that her secret was out, we would be living in fear to a degree that no one should have to.  Right there in the comfort of the hotel bed, there was a lack of fear and it felt so good. 

We awoke more than 12 hours later. 

Sleep was obviously needed and missed by both of us.  I couldn’t remember the last time I slept for 12 hours. 

Paradise was waiting.  Ellie wanted to go to the beach.  And away we went.  It was so great to see my carefree girl again. We didn’t have to look around corners, or survey a store before going in.  It was us and we knew we were okay.  We took full advantage of it all. 

We talked a lot.  Ellie and I always talked and I guess that is why I was so surprised she didn’t tell me things sooner.  (yes, this is foreshadowing… thing(s))…  But, I guess when someone is threatening your mother, you really believe it.  You get scared.  So scared that you believe them.  The pains of that, of her keeping it all locked in her head will forever be with me.  It saddens me and makes my heart so heavy. 

She talked about her hatred toward her dad. She talked about never wanting to see him. She asked about what was going to happen to him.  She asked about moving so we would not be in danger.  She cried.  I cried.  And in the days, it was “forgotten.” Or as best as possible. 

The third night we were in Hawaii, we went to a fancier dinner where they cook the dinner in front of you and you sit with other people.  The people next to Ellie were commenting on how cute she was, talking to her throughout the night, Ellie was politely talking with them.  At one point, they asked if she was in Hawaii with her mom and dad. 

Ellie responded, “I don’t have a dad.  He did something very bad to me.  He….”

And I quickly picked up my hand and put it over her mouth before she could graphically tell our new friends what he did.  It was at this point, I knew that Ellie was going to be okay.  It was at this point that I knew Ellie would not mind sharing her story.  It was the “go ahead” I needed to hear to know that the road would be long, but she would come out on top.  There is no doubt in my mind that Ellie will end up using this in some way to help others.  She already has. 

The entire walk back, we had a conversation about why she couldn’t tell them what he did.  She is feisty.  She wants everyone to know this man did something bad.  And that is why I feel find sharing her story. 

As the week went on, the time to part came.  I had a friend watch her during the day, TH took her with her and I was much more nervous than Ellie.  Ellie was okay. It was me that was not.  Ellie spent the days having fun and I was so pleased that she was okay. 

I worked a couple days and Friday decided to take the day off.  In fact, made it mandatory for my team.  We called it team-bonding.  They found a convertible and we toured the Island.  It is one of my fondest memories of my times in Hawaii.  Ellie laughed so hard that day.  Our cares were nowhere to be found and beauty was everywhere for the eyes to see.  It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. 

 *****

We had been talking, while we were in Hawaii and what Ellie wanted, what would make her feel better and one of her answers was a dog.  If anyone knows anything about me… I am NOT a dog person.  So, when Ellie said this, I cringed.  At this point, I would have done anything for her.  Actually, in the weeks to come, I nearly did. 

While I was in Hawaii, I made some calls and pulled some strings.  I also took some very deep breaths. 

We arrived home from Hawaii on a red-eye Saturday morning at 7am.  At 8:30 we had a dog. 

Bell came into our lives as a plain old dog (well, really young pup).  But, she has turned into much more than that.  I can’t imagine our lives without her.  She brings light and happiness to Ellie in ways that I cannot begin to describe.  She has saved her more than once, yes, metaphorically.  But, saved her, nonetheless.  I feel so blessed to have that silly dog.  She was meant for us.  For Ellie.  And I think our lives would not be as rich without her. 

******

With Paradise behind us, a new dog in our house, the real world waited.  And the real world wasn’t as pretty as it once was.