Our Case Gets Handed Off

As a reminder, this occurred in the past - we are now to May 2011.


We were set.  As a team, we knew what was going to be asked and what everyone was going to say.  I was certain all would be taken care of today.  With the addition of SH, Ellie's lawyer, we were now meeting before the court time.  I was thrilled.  I enjoyed the pre-court talks.  SH, JR (Ellie's therapist) and I met at 9 at Starbucks.  DH, my lawyer met us at 9:30 just as we were getting ready to enter the courtroom.  The talks were basically a reality check.  I was told time and again that it really didn't matter what we were going to say, odds are that the Judge already has made his decision.  How horrifying.

So, all the work didn't matter.

Forget about the work... let's talk about the reality not mattering.

I felt like I was on an uphill climb with this Judge.  If he already has his mind made up, where would we get?

The day was expensive as well.  I was paying for 2 lawyers - mine and Ellie's, as well as her therapist to be there.  By this time, I could have bought a small island.  Each time we went to court with both lawyers the bills were outrageous.

If it worked and all came out best for Ellie, the money didn't matter, but the more we were spinning our wheels, the more frustrating it became.

********

Dressed in my "lawyer" suit, I walked in with my super-team.  We had met the Detective and the DHS worker at the courtroom.  We were immediately asked to leave.  The Judge wanted to see my lawyer, DR, Ellie's lawyer, SH, and DP's lawyer, JPB, in chambers.  So, there I sat, DP and his gang, his ex-girlfriend, her husband, her mom and sister, in the corner of my eye.  I sat with Ellie's therapist and she tried to get my mind off of what was happening.  I didn't feel good about it.  Why did he want to see everyone in chambers? 

Several minutes passed and I saw DR and SH approach me.  DR explained that the Judge did not want to hear anything today.  

I stopped listening and tears filled my eyes.  This circus was never going to end.  It had now been going on nearly a year (and that is just from the sexual abuse... in reality we had been in and out of court for 7 years!).  

DR explained that the Judge was did not want to make any decisions in this case anymore.  He felt as if he had messed up already and was going to pass it on to someone else.  Her name was CS.  She is a behavioral psychologist and would take the case from her.  I had heard about her when things started getting bad with Ellie.  We almost went and saw her, but opted for Ellie's current therapist instead because of cost and wait.  The plan was the she would interview me, DP and Ellie (each separately) and from that either suggest/require additional therapy or make a decision.  We would go back in November and tell the Judge what we had found.  

The cost of her services would be split.  And she wouldn't start until she had $500 from each of us.  That got us about 3 hours.  One for DP, one for Ellie and one for me.  

*******

Up til this point I had received only $80 for Child Support.  That was all.  All of these years.  He had worked under the table at several places and told his lawyer that he was working, but no money ever came to me.  He was (is) also responsible for 1/2 of Ellie's medical bills, which, by this time had really added up.  I didn't necessarily want his money, but it is just another example of how messed up our system is.  How could he afford an attorney and yet not pay child support to his daughter?  Not help pay medical bills for her? All of it was nearly too much to take.  

*******

The court document didn't get signed by JR until mid-July and then JPB didn't actually turn the paper over to CS until mid-August.  So, we got a couple of months of doing nothing, which we both appreciated.  When I heard that CS had the document, I paid my $500 and waited. 

*******

Ellie was settling into 2nd grade fairly well.  But, the school year was not without incident.  On the first day of school, the counselor asked if I had updated paperwork.  I needed to provide the correct documents that kept Ellie safe at school should DP try to skirt the system and see her there. The documents said he wasn't allowed on school grounds or to see/take Ellie.  I was thankful they were in place. 

Of course the need for up-to-date paperwork freaked me out.  The reality was that the paperwork they had said he was not allowed "until further notice." Their feelings were that that was vague and they needed more. I didn't have more.  Nor did the court provide more. That was what stood.  Of course I had to get SH, Ellie's attorney involved.  But, once they spoke, things were fine. 

Otherwise, Ellie continued to thrive in school. She was great at home too.  Though she had her ups and downs. Mostly she just wanted things to have an ending.  Though we weren't doing much with the law, the thought of all going on with DP was never far from either of our minds.  

Ellie had problems going down certain streets because they reminded her of DP.  She would be in the back shielding her face from everything and I would remember that I had crossed a line.  It was sad. 

She was invited to a friend’s birthday party and it happened to be at a bowling alley that she and DP had been to before, we must have sat in the car for 40 minutes before she got brave enough to go inside.  She just couldn’t beat those demons.  How could I ever blame her?

To see that pain, that deep seeded pain, was tragic.  It ripped my heart out every single time.  She was so stoic.  So much bravery in that tiny body.  I was beyond impressed with her every day.

**********

November 16^th: Court date.

I put on my “lawyer suit.” 

Ellie’s therapist, her lawyer and my lawyer were on my team.  We, again, were ready.

I had paid my half or the money.  DP had not.  I was certain this would be it.  I was certain he would be in contempt of court.  Perry Mason, one hour, in and out and done.

Again, the system floored me. 

From 24 to Perry Mason to Law and Order... It all Sucked

Ellie came home one night from visitation visibly upset.  She told me that DP had 2 bags packed.  One for her and one for him.  In those bags were all of her clothes that belonged at his house, a toothbrush and toothpaste, stuffed animals and pull-ups for the nights.  

In his bag were plenty of clothes and toiletries.  

When she asked where they were going, he responded on a trip.  When she asked did her "m-o-m know?" (she was now spelling mom instead of saying it) He said no and it was a secret that she couldn't tell me.  

I, of course, knew nothing of this trip and the very thought of him taking her from me shook me to my core.  A call to my lawyer and of course, nothing that I could do.  We couldn't go in with the threat of him taking her, we couldn't go in with hearsay.  This is the gut-wrenching stuff that was dealt with for about a month.  

From that day on, Ellie would never go to him without my phone number on the inside of her sock, purposefully written in a way that she could pull her sock down and read it the quickest. Though she knew my number, in a state of panic I was worried she would forget it.  She would also have a piece of paper that said, "my dad has taken me please call the police and then my mom at _____ " and my cell number. Ellie understood that if taken to any kind of public transit area she was to go to the bathroom and give that information to anyone.  She could also try to make a break for it and find a person who would call me with the number on her sock.  Or she could also seek out a policeman.  She was not afraid to raise hell by just screaming as well.  We arrived even earlier to each visitation to go over this and make sure the number on the sock wasn't showing, and the paper could not easily be found.  

Every night when she was returned it was if I could breath again.  

*****

As the months went on, the trip was talked about more by DP.  My fear level increased dramatically.  Ellie was positive she would be taken on a certain Wednesday night.  He had been talking about it over and over again.  My lawyer said I could do one of three things.  I could let it go and hope for the best (it was this information that led me to realize I needed another lawyer... coming soon...  stay tuned), I could not show up for the visitation time (this would put ME in contempt of court, and while this sounds funny, it was a fear of mine.  Believe me, I am all for doing anything for my daughter - even going to jail for being in contempt... but was this just putting off the inevitable?).  Or, I could follow them.  

A plan was made and not only did I follow him, but a group of very great people did.  We all met in the parking lot of FM where we did the hand off for Ellie.  One of the followers had even gotten a conference call line and we all called in so we knew where everyone was and no one would lose him.  Or if someone did, hopefully someone else would pick him up.  

You think at this point in the mini series you are changing the channel because I am making this up... I am not.  

It turned from Perry Mason to 24 with me being Jack Bauer.  I didn't tell Ellie we would be there, but did go through the usual prep with her.  She was VERY nervous this night and I tried to reassure her best I could that all would be okay.  A fair amount of eyes would be watching after all and there was no way he was leaving with her.  

DP came in and the two of them left together.  As they did, I ran out to one of the cars waiting, there was no way I was driving, I was a bit too hysterical.  I believe in all we had 4 cars.  We talked back and forth about where he was and what they were doing.  They first stopped at a bakery, then a drive through and then they went to a local high school.  There was a basketball game going on there.  At this point, I felt pretty confident he wasn't leaving with her.  I was terribly appreciative of the followers, the other 24 characters and they all left.  I stayed in the car I was in to see the night through.  

After the game came another restaurant and then him driving around only to show up to FM late.  

The amazing thing, well... several amazing things that night... but one of the amazing things was that Ellie was famished when I got her.  I, of course, knowing they had been to THREE food establishments found that somewhat surprising.  She explained that they went to a bakery and Jack-in-the-box for DP's girlfriend and son, but they did not get Ellie anything.  The last stop was for Ellie but she did not want anything there and there wasn't enough time.  

****

At this point it was time to find another lawyer.  Interestingly enough, my dad made the suggestion.  I was getting no where on a case that seemed open and shut.  

When you look at how Ellie was being treated, it was eating at her.  She was sometimes being seen by DP.  And when she was, it was chaotic hours.  She was never happy.  We were worried about her safety and whereabouts.  And worried about whether would return.  

The breaking point was on Easter when DP showed up an hour and 15 minutes late.  I was waiting the entire time in the FM lobby.  A wreck.  

No phone calls. 

No texts. 

Nothing from him. 

I thought for sure he had taken her. 

It had to stop and it had to stop soon.  

We were going to the top with lawyers.  

Step aside Perry Mason, Law and Order, here we come.  

Supervised Visitations

Court is a surreal thing.  You are there, either with representation, or without.  1 or 2 people sitting on either side of the room; and the Judge in front.  “The Bar” separates those people and the rest who are there for either the case in front of the Judge at that time or another that might be being heard after.  There are generally 2 other people in front of the bar; the person keeping the notes, and another -  an assistant to the Judge. 

All of this continues day in and day out.  The idea that one man or one lady… the Judge here, has the final ruling on what happens is what baffles me.  Sure, you want to believe in our system, you want to hope that this Judge is going to know all that has taken place and have the person’s best interest at heart that they should (the child in family court), but do they? Do they spend enough time with each case to understand the idiosyncrasies of each case, or is it that each case is somewhat like a cookie cutter case and while some of the insides change just a little bit, the Judge wants the outside to look the same and will do whatever it is to make that happen?

I am a true believer that our system, the one we have in this glorious, rich, beautiful country of ours, is broken.  And it hurts those that it should protect, the children.

DP sat on the stand, sworn in and admitted to leaving.  He admitted to using cocaine, he admitted to using meth, marijuana and alcohol.  And then he said, that he was clean now.  He further explained that he came back because he wanted to have a life with his child and he was a different man then most.  Most men, especially black men, he went on, would just stay away, but, he, oh, he, wanted to be in his child’s life and was ready to do so. 

While I heard these words I knew we would be okay.  Surely, after admitting that he was a drug user, he would have to go through some kind of testing or counseling before anything else happened.  Ellie would certainly be safe from this man, a mystery man at this point in her life. 

My lawyer went on to question him.  She asked about the times he was in the psychiatric ward.  She asked if he took the medicine prescribed to him.  Or course he didn’t, I thought, and I was thrilled as I was sitting taller in my seat.  We are going to walk out of here and this is going to OVER.

When it came my time for questions, I was able to talk about the time that DP left.  The time that he was on all 4’s over me.  How scared I had become, the restraining order I had just gotten.  I talked about living at my aunts, I talked about my fear of him and how I felt that he added nothing to Ellie’s life as he was right now, but perhaps if he got help, we could revisit it later. 

As I sat down, the judge already had his ruling, he explained that he thought DP was right, not many men would come back.  It was good that he wanted to be involved and this was the first step.  He would have supervised visitation.

As the words came out of the Judge’s mouth, I saw my small daughter in my eyes and my heart fell to the floor.  I was in shock.  Had he not heard that he was going to make our lives’ a living hell? Had he not heard that he was a drug user? And who was he to believe he had stopped? Was he looking at the same man that I was?

Before I could make sense of anything, as the tears were rolling down my face the Judge said, that we would have to pick a supervisor.  I had always known of supervised visitations to be done by the state and for the parent doing the visiting to have to pay for them.  My lawyer suggested just that and the Judge, again, in my opinion, pro-DP, said that since “dad” didn’t have any money and didn’t have a job there would be no way for him to pay. So, let’s be fair and figure out another way. 

I’m sorry what?

Huh?

Did I just hear all that correctly?

So, because he is a worthless bastard who is living off the state, let’s give him pity and have WHO supervise my precious daughter and him???

As the Judge looked at me and said, “Mom, do you know anyone who would be willing to do the supervising?” I nearly became unglued.  Well, I did come unglued.  I started to explain how wrong I thought this all was and that nothing here seemed right and that he should be tested for drugs and he should be in counseling and that someone for the state should supervise.  It fell on deaf ears. 

The Judge repeated, “mom, any suggestions?”

I didn’t have any.  No one I knew would want to be around him.  I was stunned.  It was all moving so fast.  I shook my head no. 

“Dad, any suggestions?”

“Yes.”

Again, my mouth fell to the floor.  What on Earth was this man going to suggest?

“I’d like to suggest JH.”

Well, JH happens to be his ex-girlfriend.  Was he serious? As I said before, she was there.  The judge asked if she was willing to do it.  Of course she was.  Then he turned to me:

“Mom, and objections?”

“Yes, too many to know where to start.”

“Well,” said the Judge, “if you don’t have another person, this is who we are going to go with.  I will give you 3 minutes”

In the end, I had no one else to go with.  It would end up being JH, DP’s ex-girlfriend.  She and her husband lived in an apartment not far from Ellie and me.  Visitations would be once on every weekend for 2 hours and once during the week for 2 hours.  I would take Ellie there, meet JH in the parking lot and pick her up after.  The only people who were supposed to be in the apartment were DP, JH and Ellie.  But, who is to know if that is so or not.  Just one month shy of her 1 year birthday, I was taking Ellie to a woman she didn’t know, in a parking lot, handing her over, for her to take up to a man that she didn’t know.   And so, supervised-visitations began. 

60 Minutes is Not Nearly Enough

I would bet you have all seen Law and Order or maybe even Perry Mason, back in the day.  Not only do they find the person who did it, put them through the trial, hand them a verdict… but it is all done in 60 minutes and that is including commercials. 

I would like to go on record as saying that is bullshit. 

I had the guy.  I had step one checked off.  It should have been easy.  We now enter the phase of court.  And it is long and grueling.

In Washington County in Oregon State in family court, you are given one Judge and that Judge stays with you through your entire, shall we say, career, in the courts.  Our Judge comes with the following:

“Who do you have?” “I have Judge R.” “Ooooohhhh…”

The “Ooooohhhh”  is not a happy sound. It is a sound of pity.  He has a reputation of being sporadic.  He is very pro-both parents being involved no matter what the case is.  (as is Oregon in general – I have heard possible second only to one other state).  He has a background I have learned (yes, I have done my research) that when he was younger his parents divorced and his younger brother committed suicide.  In the suicide note was written that he did so in part because of his parent’s splitting up.  Through the years of getting to know him, I have learned that he will have his mind made up prior to the people involved in the case even entering the building.  Meaning, testimony doesn’t matter.  He comes with, in my humble opinion, a lot of baggage and I wonder at least weekly where we would be had we gotten another Judge. 

But, he was and is ours. 

Before meeting him, I’d have to get a lawyer.  I have had 3 now.  Changed for different reasons along the way.  Keep in mind while reading this, I am currently 8 years into this battle.  It just got more serious as the things DP did got more serious. 

So, we will start at the beginning. 

I hired a lawyer named CV (as you have seen no names just yet, hoping after this is settled and the final gavel is hit I can use them).  She was just out of law school, affordable and I figured I wouldn’t need much; just a plan to get him out of my life.  She actually only appeared in trial with me once; but she did help with a couple of other great things.

******

It was October 14.  I remember because it was his birthday.  It had been about 4 days since he and his sister had come by.  I had gotten several blank text messages from which I assumed was his new number.  A few calls with no messages.  I was trying to be okay with life; but knew hell was about to come. 

There was a knock on the door and I immediately knew it was him.  Ellie and I live in a house where there is a gigantic picture window on the second story.  We can see down below and I saw no car.  Ellie, who was walking already started off and I was chasing her, she was oblivious to the danger lurking outside our house.  The knocking persisted, only louder.  I sat Ellie in the kitchen on the floor and tried to quiet her.  I grabbed the phone ready to call 911.  Now came the yelling. 

“I just want to talk to you; I know you are in there.”  Knock, knock, knock. 

The knocking kept going.

I took Ellie to her room. 

I had the phone in my hand and I answered the door, foot at the base as to only be able to open it a little bit (oh, how much I have learned … don’t answer the door, people).  The door came swinging open, knocking me over and he walked past me to Ellie’s room. 

In a panic I rushed after him and started the call, he took the phone out of my hand and threw it, taking Ellie at the same time.  I was in hysterics. 

He picked Ellie up.  She was now in hysterics.  She didn’t know this stranger and he didn’t know how to hold her.  He tried to cradle her as he had done when she was first born.  I finally got her from him. 

“I am going to make your life a living hell; it is about to get very ugly” He said as he left. 

The only saving grace of that night is that I could get a restraining order.  It was granted to me the following day in a matter of seconds.  He, of course, tried to fight it, but there was no fighting that one. 

The other thing the CV helped me with is that some of DP’s stuff was still at my house.  He had left with only one suitcase of clothes the night he left.   I had packed the rest in boxes and he wanted it and that was fine with me.  The funny part is that he had sent a list of other items he thought he should have as well.  I am not making this list up.  Let me stop for a moment and say that his living arrangements at that time were that he was living with his ex-girlfriend and her new husband (yeah, I know).  So, as I share this list, please remember that he did not have a house of his own, nor had he bought any of the things he was asking for. But, here is his list (I won’t share them all… just the ones I find most amusing):

1 King Size Bed

Dresser

Refrigerator

Washing Machine

Dishwasher

Cordless Telephone

Lawn Mower

So, just to get this straight, you would like to take the Fridge that keeps the food cold for your daughter, that you have not spent a penny on, food or fridge, and put it where?

Needless to say, when I got the list, I was beyond… well, I don’t even know.  I’m looking at the list now, which is actually 3 pages, pretty big font, but 3 pages, and just in awe of it all. 

****

The final thing that CV helped with is going to court the first time.

I was terrified.  I had heard some of the things already about Judge R.  I had no idea what to expect.  I didn’t know if DP would have representation or really what he would be asking for.  So many unknowns the first time you go in. 

My hope, of course, was that he would not be allowed to see Ellie.  He had just threatened us.  He was obviously having issues with drugs and/or alcohol.  This list of items he wanted from my house would have to be ironed out. 

I have always attended court with just my lawyer.  I believe that this is a case between DP and me.  I don’t think that it needs to be a circus with many people watching.  He, on the other hand, brings his ex-girlfriend, her husband, her sister and her mom.  I still have yet to understand it.  I was surprised to see them there the first time.  And still am surprised today. 

He was representing himself.  The Judge thought that was admirable. 

Once those words came out, I knew we were in for a long day.