So Very Close to Being Done

It has been 4.5 months since our verdict...

Yesterday my phone rang and caller ID said, "lawyer".  It made my heart race.  I hadn't seen that ID for 4.5 months and, as lovely as my lawyer was, I would be fine never seeing it again.

She was calling with good news.  She started the call off with letting me know that.  After working with me for 9 years she knows that is how I need to start the call  - tell me upfront.  Good news or bad news.  And then go.

It seems the judge had ruled on the issue of DP having to pay part of my court fees.  If you take what has been spent on this last 9 years - My lawyer, Ellie's lawyer, Ellie's therapist, the Psycho-therapist the court appointed, - I could have bought a small island, or possibly two.  And having Ellie safe with me, it was a bargain.  The best money spent.

According to my lawyer the Judge had ruled that a significant amount of our total must be paid back by DP.  She, my lawyer, was surprised by how much the Judge had agreed to.  She said it wasn't a regular thing to do.  I think she chose to call instead of email me this news because I think she was looking for some excitement from me.  I just don't have that feeling.  Reality is that I have not, do not, will not get child support from DP... why would anyone in the world think I would ever see a cent of this judgement? What is the saying? Getting blood from a turnip? So, this follows him everywhere... well, if someone could find him, that would be neat and then it could start following him.  I just don't really care.  The only thing that made me happy is that we are a step closer to being done.

The next step, said DR, is to "close out the case." I needed to give her the okay to do that.  Basically, as I understand it, she tells the courts that this case is over and if DP (or anyone for that matter) wants to reopen it they have to go through me rather than through her.  Again, I don't care much because I don't THINK anything more will happen.  The only thing I care about is we are again, one step closer to being done.

My thought is that by the beginning of 2014 all judgement will be filed and our case will officially be CLOSED...And at some point in my life, lawyer bills will be paid.

Our lives are back to being our lives.... I have extra time because I am not always thinking of this case, what could happen, what should happen, what might happen. I'm not dealing with lawyers.  I literally didn't realize how much time it was taking up. Ellie has been able to be on a soccer team the last few months. She also just went through basketball tryouts.  We have never been able to devote that much time to something and it is wonderful.  I get the biggest thrill watching Ellie have fun and be carefree.

I thought I knew how horrible it was on my health - but I didn't know the extent it hurt me.
Now that it is nearly over, I feel better every day.

But, the biggest change is Ellie.  She has changed...and all for the better.  More care-free, not as anxious and 100% full of joy.  That kid, all 50 pounds of her is pure joy.  And it is contagious.

We fought a battle I was not willing to lose.  It was hard, it was gut-wrenching, time-consuming, expensive and painful.  On the other end of it we feel blessed.

Both of us know one thing for sure - we want to make sure there was a reason for it all.  We have each pledged to give back.  Ellie will one day help other kids going through this and I will try to do something to change our court systems.

We are blessed, we have each other.  I have a girl bursting with JOY.

Mostly, we are happy it is nearly over.

And Again

The next hearing was over the phone.  In Mid-April, I met my lawyer in her office.

On the phone was my Lawyer, Ellie's Lawyer, DP's Lawyer, the Judge and me.  Correct, no DP. Apparently he had other things that took precedence.   At this time, JR asked what the latest was.  DP's side had nothing to give.

They pleaded with the Judge for more time.

"Afterall," said JPB (DP's lawyer), "he hasn't seen his daughter in nearly 2 years."

The defense didn't make sense to me. None of this made sense to me. We were nearly 2 years out from DP sexually abusing Ellie (which DP continued to deny), we were nearly 8 years out from the court case starting in the first place.

Ellie's therapist she had been seeing since the sexual abuse, was willing, able and ready to testify, but we had not been heard. There had never been actual testimony given.

The Judge granted him 6 more months to come up with the money.

Gut... dropped.  Heart... broken.

At this point the Judge got off the phone while the lawyers stayed on.  At that time Ellie's lawyer asked if DP was going to soon start paying child support.  DP's lawyer had said that he was gainfully employed and that is how he would be able to come up with money to pay for the tests.

DP's lawyer actually laughed that question off.  "She doesn't need child care," he said. "Come on, there are more important things."

How I wish I hadn't heard that.
It saddened me what this case had come down to...

***********

This time for Ellie was possibly one of the worst I can remember. She was having trouble at school because her teacher was very adamant about all of the children making something for Father's Day.  It was a hard thing to get through.  I talked to the teacher a couple times (she was a long-term sub) and Ellie FINALLY got to make something for someone else in her family.  But, as the other children celebrated their father's Ellie wanted to hide.

She became horribly reclusive. We canceled many appointments and dates because she wanted to be at home.  I was okay with it as I only wanted what was best and frankly, easiest for her. We had weathered the storm before and I knew it would not last.  

In the summer Ellie was plain and simple ready to be done with the case. She woke nearly every morning asking if she could just talk to the Judge.  I couldn't imagine how she felt. She just wanted to be heard. For HER voice to matter.  After all, wasn't this about Ellie?

At least it should have been.

I called SH, her lawyer, and asked if it were possible.  Judge's don't like little kids to testify.  She would have had to do it in front of DP and people get a little worried about the long term affect on kids.  Who knows what he would have said, how he would have responded, etc.  It would have also been possible to have her back in chambers.  Ellie, my lawyer, her lawyer, DP's lawyer and the Judge.  But, in order to do this, DP would have had to agree to that.  And, he didn't.

SH suggested writing a letter to CS. CS currently had the case and was the one instructing DP to save money to get tested (psycho-sexual testing and cognitive behavioral testing).  She would make recommendations to the Judge as the Judge now felt like he couldn't (or didn't want to) rule on this case.

Ellie was ecstatic about the idea of the letter.  She wanted to be heard, and if this was the way, then so be it.

She quickly sat and penned a letter.  I told her how to spell Dr. Sabin's name and how to write the word "sincerely" and then I jumped in the shower.  I wanted everything to come from her.  None of my words, only Ellie's.

The product was gut-wrenching.

Ellie's heart and soul were on that page. She did not want to be associated with DP in the least.  She explained what had happened. She asked for the fight to be over.  She was direct and to the point, but made so many valid statements that I could not believe the power.

We had a meeting set up with SH and I took the letter.  With Ellie's permission, we showed it to SH.

As she read, tears filled her eyes.

She explained that perhaps we could go to court with this.  It was her idea.  Why not try to get Ellie what Ellie wants.  Had we been fighting incorrectly all along? Had the focus been on what was good for me or good for DP and not for Ellie?

Now my head was muddled and I thought perhaps we had gone about this all incorrectly. After all, this was about the sweet 8 year old whose life had been so poorly affected.

As I thought more though, I realized I was fighting for the same thing she was.

SH sent the letter to CS.
CS's reply was that Ellie needed to be heard. She said there was no way Ellie would be ready to see DP in the near future, if ever.

SH soon got back to me and after much thought we couldn't go to court.  It was my motion to keep DP away from her.  If SH took this to court, it would be Ellie fighting me.  That would mean that I, personally, would have to take down my court case (the one that said her dad would have no further rights to her) and Ellie's case (that Ellie wished to no longer see him) would go forward.

In the end, we decided it was not best. IF the Judge did not rule in Ellie's favor, she would be unprotected as we would have taken down my court case.  There was no way I was going to go for that.  So, we settled on continuing forward and WAITING.

Ellie's spirit and mood soon got better. She was thriving in the summer.  Happy and somewhat carefree.

************

October brought another day in court.

I had stopped myself from getting my hopes up ... there was not a ton of hope after battling this for so long.

This time, it was (again) suppose to be DP's last chance.  He should have been coming to court with the money paid and the testing done.

I wish I could say it surprised me when he came to court and had not done anything.
I wish I could say it surprised me when the Judge said we would give him more time.  2 months, to be exact.

It didn't.  At this point, it was par for the course.

It was more of the Judge and the legal system dragging this event out entirely too long.  It was more expense when really all of that money should be going to Ellie.  It was more heart-ache and uncertainty for a little girl who has already been through too much.

We laid the case out for the Judge and DP's lawyer piped in that he had saved some money. He claimed to have $2100 at this point, quite frankly, a number, I believe, he pulled out of his ass.  The Judge immediately said he had 2 more months to get it together.

My lawyer and Ellie's lawyer both vehemently objected.  The Judge said NEXT time would be the last time... Oh, how I wish I could cling to those words.

But then, something happened that was a first.

The Judge said to DP that he (DP) needed to do some serious thinking.  He continued that this case was going to go one of two ways.  Either DP would spend the money, do the tests and fail and not be able to see Ellie again because of that.  OR, he would do the tests, pass and still be stuck because Ellie had no interest in seeing him.  He said that at this point, maybe it was best that DP walk away.  The Judge said (FINALLY) perhaps it was best for Ellie to be done with this.  (so, let's be done!)

He continued to explain that the money could just be a HUGE waste- either way it wasn't looking good. And, if he did pass the tests, we had a case to go through, which would be further expense... (picture me dying inside).

He then paused and asked DP what he thought.

"That is tough," DP said, brightly (sorry!).

"It is just that ..." DP tried to continue.
"I am not interested in hearing testimony," the Judge cut him off.

Pause.

"I'll have to consult my lawyer." DP said.

"Fine.  If you make a decision to walk, please let everyone know so we can cancel this next date and save everyone time." said the Judge.

And that was that.  Case, for the moment, was closed again.

And so, we wait... as we have for well over 2 years since the sexual abuse happened. And for nearly 8 years since the case was opened.  We wait to see what is next.

My lawyer feels very good about what she heard at the end. She feels that it was JR saying how he would rule if, in fact, this ever went to trial.

I refuse to have much hope.  I have been down the road of hope before and it always ends with a punch in the gut.

That being said, Ellie and I are living our lives outside of the shadow of this horrible event. We are choosing to live rather than to fear.  It is a good thing.

But having an end in December would be the best of all.

Checking Into the Hospital

**as a reminder this occurred in the past. March 2011.

After the decision was made that Ellie would go to the hospital it was a matter of seconds that we were packing.  Her therapist thought she would be there for 2 nights and so we packed accordingly.  As Ellie got her bag ready, I picked up the phone to call my mom and dad.  I knew they were at the beach, but wanted to let them know.

Truth is, I have never wanted them to answer the phone more than at that moment.  The phone rang and rang and rang and finally after the 3rd ring, my mom, nearly out of breath, picked up with a cheerful, "hello?".

I, as calmly as I could, told her what was about to happen.
"I'm taking Ellie to the hospital." And then came the words I never thought I would have to say, "she is being checked in for suicidal ideation."

My mom, silent for a moment, said, "we are on our way."

I knew they were a good 2 hours from the hospital and said, no.  I was certain we would be done with the check in process by the time we got there and there was no reason to ruin their Spring Break to come for nothing.  But, she insisted and I was secretly thankful.

Ellie had finished packing.  A couple days worth of clothes, we put in some pictures of me and a few of Bell. She decided to take her pillow-pet and we were off.

The entire thing, from decision to getting in the car took maybe 10 minutes.  We didn't rush, but instead moved with a pace that was determined.  Ellie, and all of her 6 years, was calm and focused.  The most focused she had been all week.  She understood that she would be spending the night, and while that scared the shit out of me, she seemed just fine with it.

As we drove over we spoke a little about how she was feeling.  She asked questions about what to expect and I answered as best I could with the very limited knowledge I had.  She told me she thought she needed to be there.  I told her I thought that was brave and that the most important thing right now was getting better.  Fingers in her mouth, she rested the remainder of the drive.

We were met in the lobby by two ladies who knew we were coming.  One was a teenager, and I believe a volunteer who chatted with Ellie to keep her occupied.  My heart was literally beating a mile a minute and it was all I could do to match Ellie's brave face.

When we finally made it up the secret elevator to the special floor and through the locked doors, my heart stopped.  Was this really happening? Was I really putting my daughter into a psychiatric ward? Everything seemed so wrong and I felt horrible pangs of sadness.  How could this be her life? This little girl so full of joy was now at the bottom and it was all so wrong.

And then it got worse.  We were shown Ellie's room.  Pure white.  Stark white.  Nothing but white.  White walls, white linens on a small bed in the middle of a small room.  Nothing on the walls.  One small desk.  White drapes for the windows.  She had her own bathroom, which contained nothing.  The mirror, fake.  A toilet, a sink.  No color.

I thought Ellie would break at this point.  But she didn't.

She and the volunteer would check her stuff in while I did some administration things to get her checked in.  I was terrified to leave her side, but, again, Ellie bravely showed me that she was okay and walked off.

Once I got behind closed doors I broke down.  I mean, the flood gates let loose.  Was I doing the right thing? Was she going to be okay? Should she really be here? She is only 6 and why is this happening? The woman who was working with me was very calming and obviously used to this reaction.  She went through the things that should have made me feel better and I tried to listen as my mind was racing about how we got here and how dare DP fuck up our lives like this.

About mid-way through, Ellie's therapist came in.  I was happy to see her and she reported that she had come by to see Ellie and welcome her.  She tried to remind me that this is where Ellie needed to be.  And that all was going to be okay.  Through my tears, I had nothing to do, but try to believe her.

I was given some time to pull myself together and then come out and find Ellie.  She was in her room and happy because she got to order whatever she wanted for lunch - the other kids had already eaten and she needed to eat... so Mac-n-Cheese was on its way.

It was the first time we had a chance to be alone.

"What do you think?" I sheepishly asked.

"I like it" she said.

In my head I thought - what the hell do you like? Again, I was blown away by this little person who was so amazingly strong.

Her food arrived and with it a few items that would have to be returned home.  We had brought tennis shoes, with laces and those were a no-no.  Pictures were okay - but not the frames, they contained glass.  As the items were returned to me, things became more and more real and the lump in my throat grew.  Laces and glass.  Of course.  This is bigger than I thought.  Surely Ellie wasn't at this point. But, were the other kids?

Again we were left alone.  As Ellie ate her Mac-n-Cheese.  I told her we needed to brighten her room up.  She agreed.  I asked how she felt about staying and she said she felt okay.  She said she had been told by Dr J that her dad was not allowed to come.  That the floor was locked and you had to check in and only certain people could come in.  He was on a list that was the police list.  She was actually shown that.

It all started to make sense to me now.  She felt safe.  For the first time in who knows how long, my little girl felt safe.

The woman who had spoken with me, peeked her head in and said that grandma and grandpa were here.  I couldn't believe they had found us. I wanted to warn them about the room and also about how badly Ellie looked so I ran out and caught them before they walked in.  I could tell my mom and maybe even my dad had been crying.  When my mom saw me, it started again.  I stopped them both and I said, before you come in, you need to know the whole room is white, it is sad and depressing and Ellie looks bad. But, she is probably in the best shape of all of us and I don't want that ruined.  So, compose yourselves before you walk in, because there can be no tears in front of her.

I went back in and Ellie was thrilled that she had gotten some ice cream.  She was digging into that as I was looking at the daily schedule and going over that with her.  Then my mom and dad came in.  She was happy to see them.  I watched as my mom held back tears and took deep breaths.  But, again, they followed Ellie's lead.  Ellie explained to them that her dad couldn't get on the floor and wanted to show them the list before we all left.  She felt a great deal of empowerment with this.  Bless her heart.

After she was finished eating we went over her schedule and took a little tour, met some of the kids, the nurses and it was time for her to join the group.  Which meant it was time for us to leave.  I wasn't ready.

She was so small, so young.  And had never been away from me at a non-relatives or very close friends and I was terrified.  I mean, I knew she would be safe, but I felt like this was such a hard place to leave her.  My heart was so sad.

My mom and dad said good-bye and left us alone.

I told her how proud I was and how much I loved her.  I said that she could call anytime, she just needed to ask.  And I said I would be back at dinner time.  And with that, the person who guards the door, let me out.