Our New Regular

Sadly the decision to go or not go was not up to Ellie.

I called my new lawyer and told her what Ellie had done and DR explained that Ellie could not continue to do that.  Each time it happened, we were in contempt of court.  Now, the reality is that DP had been in contempt dozens of times to our few, but when we appeared in front of Judge R, we wanted to be as crystal clean as possible. 

I agreed to this to a point.  There would never be a time where I would physically make Ellie go.  It wasn’t in me. I couldn’t.  What I would do was try to explain how important it was to go and continue to try to make her as safe as possible.  In the meantime, DR was very insistent on us meeting with the new therapist and trying to get to the bottom of what was keeping Ellie from wanting to be with DP so badly. 

Ellie so enjoyed going to JC, her current therapist that a break from her to a new one was hard for me to imagine.  Some things do happen for a reason, I guess and at about the time that I was going to have to tell Ellie we needed to go see someone new, JC told us she was moving.  It was actually perfect timing. 

An appointment to get into the new therapist was easy to get.  I think the law firm had a little pull.  I was set up to talk to her in the morning to give her an overview and Ellie had a meeting with her the same day in the afternoon.  Ellie was a bit apprehensive.  In her mind, just another person to meet.  But, when she saw her, an instant bond was formed.  Dr. JR and Ellie hit it off.

She did a lot of play therapy with Ellie as well.  More drawing than before.  Her quick assessment was that Ellie had something to share, but she needed to be comfortable to share it.  It would take awhile.  My fear was we didn’t have awhile.  She also believed that she didn’t share the things with me because she was protecting me. 

*****

Guilt was a huge problem for me from the get go.  I felt horrible guilty that my little girl had to go through these things with this man who I had at one point picked.  I knew that something was wrong and I couldn’t fix it.  The point that the Doctor said she is protecting me, my guilt grew ten-fold.

With visitation things continued to get worse.  The times that DP did show up were few and far between.  The preparation for us to go were tough.  Me talking Ellie “into it” was painful.  I had to walk a fine balance of not being negative toward him and also try to be mindful of her fear and mine, without letting mine show.  It was a horrible situation. 

The outcomes were horrible regardless of what happened.  If he didn’t show, it meant he didn’t care, in Ellie’s eyes and I had no way to describe it, even as an adult with mediocre intelligence. 

If he did show, there was the fear of what was going to happen.  I’d feel a tug on my leg, by Ellie’s small hands, I’d see the tears in her eyes and she tried not to let them be visible to him.  And occasionally there would be the verbal altercation by her saying that she wasn’t going to go.  Most of the time, I would end up talking her into it.  I often wondered what her “punishment” would be for talking out. 

The times were always cut short.  I imagined he didn’t want to “put up” with her.  She had taken to spelling out “m-o-m-m-m-y” every time she referred to me.  And, she was stubborn. She didn’t want to go to his work. She asked to come home.  She pestered him. 

He texted early for me to come and get her.  I would happily oblige.

Visitations became very irregular.  Down to maybe once per month.  And while it was nice, I was always waiting for a shoe to drop.

Ellie continued to see her therapist, Dr JR.  I continued to get random texts in the night.  We lived in a constant fear of him.  When would we see him in the area? When would we see someone he knew? When would he just show up at our house? When would he show up for a visitation and not come back with her? When would the reality of what was happening come out of Ellie’s mouth and a new chapter begin?

Ellie continued to sink into herself a bit more.  Whatever she was holding onto was eating at her. She was nervous to go to public places.  She didn’t want to accidently run into him.  We stayed away from most places where there were many people.  I did my grocery shopping when she was in school.  Just because she wasn’t seeing him, didn’t make our lives much better. 

******

June 26, 2010

DP texted and asked if he could meet late.  It was a Saturday.  It was HIS Saturday and so I had to say yes.  He also said he couldn’t keep her long.  I told Ellie this would be a quick one, and she was willing to go. 

He kept her until 2.  It was 5 hours total.