Checking Into the Hospital

**as a reminder this occurred in the past. March 2011.

After the decision was made that Ellie would go to the hospital it was a matter of seconds that we were packing.  Her therapist thought she would be there for 2 nights and so we packed accordingly.  As Ellie got her bag ready, I picked up the phone to call my mom and dad.  I knew they were at the beach, but wanted to let them know.

Truth is, I have never wanted them to answer the phone more than at that moment.  The phone rang and rang and rang and finally after the 3rd ring, my mom, nearly out of breath, picked up with a cheerful, "hello?".

I, as calmly as I could, told her what was about to happen.
"I'm taking Ellie to the hospital." And then came the words I never thought I would have to say, "she is being checked in for suicidal ideation."

My mom, silent for a moment, said, "we are on our way."

I knew they were a good 2 hours from the hospital and said, no.  I was certain we would be done with the check in process by the time we got there and there was no reason to ruin their Spring Break to come for nothing.  But, she insisted and I was secretly thankful.

Ellie had finished packing.  A couple days worth of clothes, we put in some pictures of me and a few of Bell. She decided to take her pillow-pet and we were off.

The entire thing, from decision to getting in the car took maybe 10 minutes.  We didn't rush, but instead moved with a pace that was determined.  Ellie, and all of her 6 years, was calm and focused.  The most focused she had been all week.  She understood that she would be spending the night, and while that scared the shit out of me, she seemed just fine with it.

As we drove over we spoke a little about how she was feeling.  She asked questions about what to expect and I answered as best I could with the very limited knowledge I had.  She told me she thought she needed to be there.  I told her I thought that was brave and that the most important thing right now was getting better.  Fingers in her mouth, she rested the remainder of the drive.

We were met in the lobby by two ladies who knew we were coming.  One was a teenager, and I believe a volunteer who chatted with Ellie to keep her occupied.  My heart was literally beating a mile a minute and it was all I could do to match Ellie's brave face.

When we finally made it up the secret elevator to the special floor and through the locked doors, my heart stopped.  Was this really happening? Was I really putting my daughter into a psychiatric ward? Everything seemed so wrong and I felt horrible pangs of sadness.  How could this be her life? This little girl so full of joy was now at the bottom and it was all so wrong.

And then it got worse.  We were shown Ellie's room.  Pure white.  Stark white.  Nothing but white.  White walls, white linens on a small bed in the middle of a small room.  Nothing on the walls.  One small desk.  White drapes for the windows.  She had her own bathroom, which contained nothing.  The mirror, fake.  A toilet, a sink.  No color.

I thought Ellie would break at this point.  But she didn't.

She and the volunteer would check her stuff in while I did some administration things to get her checked in.  I was terrified to leave her side, but, again, Ellie bravely showed me that she was okay and walked off.

Once I got behind closed doors I broke down.  I mean, the flood gates let loose.  Was I doing the right thing? Was she going to be okay? Should she really be here? She is only 6 and why is this happening? The woman who was working with me was very calming and obviously used to this reaction.  She went through the things that should have made me feel better and I tried to listen as my mind was racing about how we got here and how dare DP fuck up our lives like this.

About mid-way through, Ellie's therapist came in.  I was happy to see her and she reported that she had come by to see Ellie and welcome her.  She tried to remind me that this is where Ellie needed to be.  And that all was going to be okay.  Through my tears, I had nothing to do, but try to believe her.

I was given some time to pull myself together and then come out and find Ellie.  She was in her room and happy because she got to order whatever she wanted for lunch - the other kids had already eaten and she needed to eat... so Mac-n-Cheese was on its way.

It was the first time we had a chance to be alone.

"What do you think?" I sheepishly asked.

"I like it" she said.

In my head I thought - what the hell do you like? Again, I was blown away by this little person who was so amazingly strong.

Her food arrived and with it a few items that would have to be returned home.  We had brought tennis shoes, with laces and those were a no-no.  Pictures were okay - but not the frames, they contained glass.  As the items were returned to me, things became more and more real and the lump in my throat grew.  Laces and glass.  Of course.  This is bigger than I thought.  Surely Ellie wasn't at this point. But, were the other kids?

Again we were left alone.  As Ellie ate her Mac-n-Cheese.  I told her we needed to brighten her room up.  She agreed.  I asked how she felt about staying and she said she felt okay.  She said she had been told by Dr J that her dad was not allowed to come.  That the floor was locked and you had to check in and only certain people could come in.  He was on a list that was the police list.  She was actually shown that.

It all started to make sense to me now.  She felt safe.  For the first time in who knows how long, my little girl felt safe.

The woman who had spoken with me, peeked her head in and said that grandma and grandpa were here.  I couldn't believe they had found us. I wanted to warn them about the room and also about how badly Ellie looked so I ran out and caught them before they walked in.  I could tell my mom and maybe even my dad had been crying.  When my mom saw me, it started again.  I stopped them both and I said, before you come in, you need to know the whole room is white, it is sad and depressing and Ellie looks bad. But, she is probably in the best shape of all of us and I don't want that ruined.  So, compose yourselves before you walk in, because there can be no tears in front of her.

I went back in and Ellie was thrilled that she had gotten some ice cream.  She was digging into that as I was looking at the daily schedule and going over that with her.  Then my mom and dad came in.  She was happy to see them.  I watched as my mom held back tears and took deep breaths.  But, again, they followed Ellie's lead.  Ellie explained to them that her dad couldn't get on the floor and wanted to show them the list before we all left.  She felt a great deal of empowerment with this.  Bless her heart.

After she was finished eating we went over her schedule and took a little tour, met some of the kids, the nurses and it was time for her to join the group.  Which meant it was time for us to leave.  I wasn't ready.

She was so small, so young.  And had never been away from me at a non-relatives or very close friends and I was terrified.  I mean, I knew she would be safe, but I felt like this was such a hard place to leave her.  My heart was so sad.

My mom and dad said good-bye and left us alone.

I told her how proud I was and how much I loved her.  I said that she could call anytime, she just needed to ask.  And I said I would be back at dinner time.  And with that, the person who guards the door, let me out.