It has been 4.5 months since our verdict...
Yesterday my phone rang and caller ID said, "lawyer". It made my heart race. I hadn't seen that ID for 4.5 months and, as lovely as my lawyer was, I would be fine never seeing it again.
She was calling with good news. She started the call off with letting me know that. After working with me for 9 years she knows that is how I need to start the call - tell me upfront. Good news or bad news. And then go.
It seems the judge had ruled on the issue of DP having to pay part of my court fees. If you take what has been spent on this last 9 years - My lawyer, Ellie's lawyer, Ellie's therapist, the Psycho-therapist the court appointed, - I could have bought a small island, or possibly two. And having Ellie safe with me, it was a bargain. The best money spent.
According to my lawyer the Judge had ruled that a significant amount of our total must be paid back by DP. She, my lawyer, was surprised by how much the Judge had agreed to. She said it wasn't a regular thing to do. I think she chose to call instead of email me this news because I think she was looking for some excitement from me. I just don't have that feeling. Reality is that I have not, do not, will not get child support from DP... why would anyone in the world think I would ever see a cent of this judgement? What is the saying? Getting blood from a turnip? So, this follows him everywhere... well, if someone could find him, that would be neat and then it could start following him. I just don't really care. The only thing that made me happy is that we are a step closer to being done.
The next step, said DR, is to "close out the case." I needed to give her the okay to do that. Basically, as I understand it, she tells the courts that this case is over and if DP (or anyone for that matter) wants to reopen it they have to go through me rather than through her. Again, I don't care much because I don't THINK anything more will happen. The only thing I care about is we are again, one step closer to being done.
My thought is that by the beginning of 2014 all judgement will be filed and our case will officially be CLOSED...And at some point in my life, lawyer bills will be paid.
Our lives are back to being our lives.... I have extra time because I am not always thinking of this case, what could happen, what should happen, what might happen. I'm not dealing with lawyers. I literally didn't realize how much time it was taking up. Ellie has been able to be on a soccer team the last few months. She also just went through basketball tryouts. We have never been able to devote that much time to something and it is wonderful. I get the biggest thrill watching Ellie have fun and be carefree.
I thought I knew how horrible it was on my health - but I didn't know the extent it hurt me.
Now that it is nearly over, I feel better every day.
But, the biggest change is Ellie. She has changed...and all for the better. More care-free, not as anxious and 100% full of joy. That kid, all 50 pounds of her is pure joy. And it is contagious.
We fought a battle I was not willing to lose. It was hard, it was gut-wrenching, time-consuming, expensive and painful. On the other end of it we feel blessed.
Both of us know one thing for sure - we want to make sure there was a reason for it all. We have each pledged to give back. Ellie will one day help other kids going through this and I will try to do something to change our court systems.
We are blessed, we have each other. I have a girl bursting with JOY.
Mostly, we are happy it is nearly over.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
The End is in Sight
Our court battle (and, I do mean battle) has been over for just over 10 weeks and I still am finding it hard to sit and write the "ending"... For a while I thought it was because I didn't want to think about things. Then I thought maybe it was because I had a lot of other things going on in my life. Now I realize, It is because I want to do it justice and I am afraid I can't... The accumulation of YEARS of my life and my daughters life all came down to this one day... AND WE WON...
It was not a huge, grand finish, like I somewhat wanted. But, it is over. 100% over.
And, in writing it, I want to express every detail because it is crystal clear in my mind. And, I worry I will fail with that task.
Buckle up, and I will do the best I can do with the most important things I think you might want to know after this long journey...
Court was currently set for April but it turns out our first and most important witness, DJ, Ellie's therapist wasn't going to be in town. We made a motion to change the date and the next available was June 4.
At the beginning of May preparation for the trial got underway. More correspondences between my attorney and myself. So I wasn't taken too off guard when I got an email late May 15th.
Then I started reading.
DP's attorney was pulling out the case. He was saying he couldn't represent his client anymore for several reasons and wanted off the case. Apparently, you have to put in a request to be taken off, we (my side) have the right to argue, if we want, and then the judge decides whether that lawyer can be let go or not.
My attorney suggested not arguing, saying most of the time judges grant this particular motion. Waste of money and time to argue.
We continued to get ready: lists of questions for me, subpoenaing our witnesses, lists of questions for the witnesses (I am not entirely sure that is what you call them at this point, but that is what I am going with), etc.
Getting ready for this trial now wasn't as clear cut as before. Now, with DP representing himself, it was a crap shoot of what would happen. No legal guidelines would be followed by him.
Ellie had an appointment to meet with her lawyer, SH, to make sure SH was representing Ellie as clearly as possible. We sat, this time, in the big conference room. Chairs triple Ellie's size. 10 of them around a huge wooden table. Ellie, her lawyer and myself. Feeling small in a gigantic room. Ellie's lawyer, though big in spirit and personality, isn't much bigger than Ellie... I always feel huge next to the to two of them, but in this room, even felt small.
"I want to be there." Ellie said speaking of the court date that was approaching.
SH explained why that wasn't a good idea. I had done so about 3 dozen times, but Ellie's drive to have the judge really hear HER was strong. She wasn't letting it go.
SH, who is all of 85 pounds, a very petite young woman, really put her foot down after the third plea.
"Ellie, I will not allow you to be in the same room as your dad."
Ellie correct her with his name, instead of "your dad."
She then asked, is there anything you want to tell DP?
Ellie took the 8X11 yellow legal pad from SH's hands. She wrote "I HATE U" and set down the pen.
The room was eerily quiet.
Those are strong words.
In our house we don't use the word "hate."
25 cents in a jar, if you do. To Ellie those words are as serious as you get.
My little girl just stared straight ahead.
SH finally broke the silence. She asked if there was anything specific Ellie wanted her to tell the judge. Ellie asked if she could write the judge a letter. SH thought that was a great idea and said she would give that to me and Ellie for homework. We were there on a Wednesday and she'd like to have it by Friday.
"No," Ellie said. "I want to write it now."
Never one to stand in her way, SH suggested we take the legal pad and I transcribe as Ellie spoke. She'd excuse herself and be back in a bit.
Ellie started speaking.
The words that came from my little girl's mouth were intense. She spelled it out for Judge R. as if she were an eloquent woman with many more years of wisdom than she and I had together. She had obviously been thinking about what she would say and she was ready with words so powerful tears burned my eyes. Someday, if Ellie wants to share that letter, I will encourage her. It is not for me to do here.
Instead, it is for me to say our system is messed up. For any child to have to go through what Ellie has had to endure - not just the pain of what her own flesh and blood did to her - but what the judicial system continued to do to her time and time again, dragging this mess out, is ugly. It is hurtful and wrong and someday I hope to do something to change it.
We gave the letter to SH and I told her I hoped it was the last time I set foot in her office. She smiled and hugged us both and Ellie and I were on our way.
********
Just before you go to court, the lawyer(s) write a summary of what they are going to say to the Judge and the court and present it to the Judge prior to the actual hearing. I am not entirely sure of the hows and the whys behind this, but in my head it makes sense to re-familiarize the Judge with what has happened (the document also states the history of the case) and what is going to happen. I would assume people in that role see many cases and can't keep them all clear in their heads. Then it basically also states what our side is going to present. I think this gives the judges some time prior to court to think about what they are going to say...
Sitting with the pre-court documents from my lawyer and Ellie's lawyer a couple nights prior to our big day, my heart was so heavy. Just remembering what we had been through. And, also looking at all of the facts of this very clear cut case. The time, energy, money, pain, sweat and tears that had gone into all of this made no sense.
Sleep was no where to be found as I played every scenario over in my head for our next appearance in court.
The day finally came.
I was, of course, first to be there. Always had been in the past, why start anything different now.
DJ, Ellie's therapist came next. Then Ellie's attorney and finally mine.
CS (the person who said DP needed a psycho-sexual evaluation), our final witness was going to be showing up about an hour into the hearing.
DP... no where to be found.
Not there.
Court was on for a 9:30 start.
At 9:30, I knew in my heart, he wasn't coming.
As hard as I could, I pleaded with my lawyer to not let the Judge continue this. Of course, it was not in her hands, as none of it had been all along, and she agreed with me, but I was fearful that he would again say, "we will come back in 6 months..."
9:45, "will you please stand for the Honorable JR.".
I stood. Shaking.
My side was full.
The other side of the courtroom empty.
Judge R had us sit and started speaking.
I will paraphrase, "Amy Emery is here with her counsel... yada yada yada... DP is not here."
Then he looked at me. He said, "the court has wronged you and your daughter and we owe you a sincere apology. I am sorry you have had to go through so much to prove what you had been saying all along. I am sorry for your daughter, because I can't imagine what she has been through and I hope you will tell her I have said that. DP will have no rights to Ellie, no access, no medical records, no access to school records. He does not have the right to appeal."
I was a heaping pile of mush. It was over.
The words I had so longed to hear, were spoken.
The apology, though it didn't matter a whole lot, was even sincere. It was heart felt. He knew, to some degree, that he had made this terrible tragedy go on far too long.
The good news on the back end, is because it was so complex and painstakingly drug out, DP cannot appeal. Done. Shut. Case closed. Gavel hit.
I sat, and cried. They were tears of happiness and relief. Tears that had been building for years. Literally years.
Finally, I was able to come back to life a bit, hugs were given, congratulations were said and I felt happy.
That happiness had been seriously void from our lives for awhile. This fight, this battle was so hard and stressful. And though we weren't constantly in court, or constantly talking about it, it was at the root of our everyday. There was no way around that...
And, now it was over.
I drove straight to Ellie's school because I could not wait to tell her.
When I got to the front office, they called her out of her classroom and I stood in the hall.
As she rounded the corner she saw me and her gait slowed a bit. Of course she wasn't expecting me. She might have even been so busy in school work that she forgot was happening that day. She was surprised to see me standing there.
I bent down to be at her level - she was still many feet away from me.
"we won." I said.
"We won?" She asked back
"YES." I yelled, probably too loudly for a hallway.
Ellie sprinted toward me and barreled into my arms. I held her so tightly in that hallway and we both cried. Tears of joy this time. It had been awhile.
It was not a huge, grand finish, like I somewhat wanted. But, it is over. 100% over.
And, in writing it, I want to express every detail because it is crystal clear in my mind. And, I worry I will fail with that task.
Buckle up, and I will do the best I can do with the most important things I think you might want to know after this long journey...
Court was currently set for April but it turns out our first and most important witness, DJ, Ellie's therapist wasn't going to be in town. We made a motion to change the date and the next available was June 4.
At the beginning of May preparation for the trial got underway. More correspondences between my attorney and myself. So I wasn't taken too off guard when I got an email late May 15th.
Then I started reading.
DP's attorney was pulling out the case. He was saying he couldn't represent his client anymore for several reasons and wanted off the case. Apparently, you have to put in a request to be taken off, we (my side) have the right to argue, if we want, and then the judge decides whether that lawyer can be let go or not.
My attorney suggested not arguing, saying most of the time judges grant this particular motion. Waste of money and time to argue.
We continued to get ready: lists of questions for me, subpoenaing our witnesses, lists of questions for the witnesses (I am not entirely sure that is what you call them at this point, but that is what I am going with), etc.
Getting ready for this trial now wasn't as clear cut as before. Now, with DP representing himself, it was a crap shoot of what would happen. No legal guidelines would be followed by him.
Ellie had an appointment to meet with her lawyer, SH, to make sure SH was representing Ellie as clearly as possible. We sat, this time, in the big conference room. Chairs triple Ellie's size. 10 of them around a huge wooden table. Ellie, her lawyer and myself. Feeling small in a gigantic room. Ellie's lawyer, though big in spirit and personality, isn't much bigger than Ellie... I always feel huge next to the to two of them, but in this room, even felt small.
"I want to be there." Ellie said speaking of the court date that was approaching.
SH explained why that wasn't a good idea. I had done so about 3 dozen times, but Ellie's drive to have the judge really hear HER was strong. She wasn't letting it go.
SH, who is all of 85 pounds, a very petite young woman, really put her foot down after the third plea.
"Ellie, I will not allow you to be in the same room as your dad."
Ellie correct her with his name, instead of "your dad."
She then asked, is there anything you want to tell DP?
Ellie took the 8X11 yellow legal pad from SH's hands. She wrote "I HATE U" and set down the pen.
The room was eerily quiet.
Those are strong words.
In our house we don't use the word "hate."
25 cents in a jar, if you do. To Ellie those words are as serious as you get.
My little girl just stared straight ahead.
SH finally broke the silence. She asked if there was anything specific Ellie wanted her to tell the judge. Ellie asked if she could write the judge a letter. SH thought that was a great idea and said she would give that to me and Ellie for homework. We were there on a Wednesday and she'd like to have it by Friday.
"No," Ellie said. "I want to write it now."
Never one to stand in her way, SH suggested we take the legal pad and I transcribe as Ellie spoke. She'd excuse herself and be back in a bit.
Ellie started speaking.
The words that came from my little girl's mouth were intense. She spelled it out for Judge R. as if she were an eloquent woman with many more years of wisdom than she and I had together. She had obviously been thinking about what she would say and she was ready with words so powerful tears burned my eyes. Someday, if Ellie wants to share that letter, I will encourage her. It is not for me to do here.
Instead, it is for me to say our system is messed up. For any child to have to go through what Ellie has had to endure - not just the pain of what her own flesh and blood did to her - but what the judicial system continued to do to her time and time again, dragging this mess out, is ugly. It is hurtful and wrong and someday I hope to do something to change it.
We gave the letter to SH and I told her I hoped it was the last time I set foot in her office. She smiled and hugged us both and Ellie and I were on our way.
********
Just before you go to court, the lawyer(s) write a summary of what they are going to say to the Judge and the court and present it to the Judge prior to the actual hearing. I am not entirely sure of the hows and the whys behind this, but in my head it makes sense to re-familiarize the Judge with what has happened (the document also states the history of the case) and what is going to happen. I would assume people in that role see many cases and can't keep them all clear in their heads. Then it basically also states what our side is going to present. I think this gives the judges some time prior to court to think about what they are going to say...
Sitting with the pre-court documents from my lawyer and Ellie's lawyer a couple nights prior to our big day, my heart was so heavy. Just remembering what we had been through. And, also looking at all of the facts of this very clear cut case. The time, energy, money, pain, sweat and tears that had gone into all of this made no sense.
Sleep was no where to be found as I played every scenario over in my head for our next appearance in court.
The day finally came.
I was, of course, first to be there. Always had been in the past, why start anything different now.
DJ, Ellie's therapist came next. Then Ellie's attorney and finally mine.
CS (the person who said DP needed a psycho-sexual evaluation), our final witness was going to be showing up about an hour into the hearing.
DP... no where to be found.
Not there.
Court was on for a 9:30 start.
At 9:30, I knew in my heart, he wasn't coming.
As hard as I could, I pleaded with my lawyer to not let the Judge continue this. Of course, it was not in her hands, as none of it had been all along, and she agreed with me, but I was fearful that he would again say, "we will come back in 6 months..."
9:45, "will you please stand for the Honorable JR.".
I stood. Shaking.
My side was full.
The other side of the courtroom empty.
Judge R had us sit and started speaking.
I will paraphrase, "Amy Emery is here with her counsel... yada yada yada... DP is not here."
Then he looked at me. He said, "the court has wronged you and your daughter and we owe you a sincere apology. I am sorry you have had to go through so much to prove what you had been saying all along. I am sorry for your daughter, because I can't imagine what she has been through and I hope you will tell her I have said that. DP will have no rights to Ellie, no access, no medical records, no access to school records. He does not have the right to appeal."
I was a heaping pile of mush. It was over.
The words I had so longed to hear, were spoken.
The apology, though it didn't matter a whole lot, was even sincere. It was heart felt. He knew, to some degree, that he had made this terrible tragedy go on far too long.
The good news on the back end, is because it was so complex and painstakingly drug out, DP cannot appeal. Done. Shut. Case closed. Gavel hit.
I sat, and cried. They were tears of happiness and relief. Tears that had been building for years. Literally years.
Finally, I was able to come back to life a bit, hugs were given, congratulations were said and I felt happy.
That happiness had been seriously void from our lives for awhile. This fight, this battle was so hard and stressful. And though we weren't constantly in court, or constantly talking about it, it was at the root of our everyday. There was no way around that...
And, now it was over.
I drove straight to Ellie's school because I could not wait to tell her.
When I got to the front office, they called her out of her classroom and I stood in the hall.
As she rounded the corner she saw me and her gait slowed a bit. Of course she wasn't expecting me. She might have even been so busy in school work that she forgot was happening that day. She was surprised to see me standing there.
I bent down to be at her level - she was still many feet away from me.
"we won." I said.
"We won?" She asked back
"YES." I yelled, probably too loudly for a hallway.
Ellie sprinted toward me and barreled into my arms. I held her so tightly in that hallway and we both cried. Tears of joy this time. It had been awhile.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
A Fit Parent
Note from Amy:
I went to write a new blog today (June 8th) and I found this as a draft. I remember clearly writing it the day of our last court meeting and I remember I decided not to post it because I thought it was too negative. I left it as a draft to come back to and walked away. I'll publish it now ... and work on the update as well.
So, the following took place in December 2012:
With a cautious head and heart I went to court today.
I had not slept last night, knowing that today was a big day in our lives and not having a ton of hope. I had been down this road before. The road that said, "next time will be his last chance."
To summarize where we were:
- there have always been issues about DP and his treatment of Ellie (mental and emotional)
- in June of 2010 Ellie bravely came forward saying she had been sexually abused by DP. Not just once, but several times
- we have been going to court Ellie's entire life
- DP has not seen Ellie since June 2010
- Ellie was admitted to a hospital for suicidal ideation after the judge decided to grant DP supervised visitation (we ended up going back and the Judge, taking into account Ellie's state, redid the order)
- since then the case has officially been turned over to a psychologist who would have to interview me, DP and Ellie
- the interview of me was fine
- the interview of DP was not. He was ordered to get psycho-sexual testing and cognitive behavioral testing before the psychologist would entertain the thought of subjecting Ellie to more (ie even meeting the psychologist)
- DP has not come up with the money to do the testing, but we continue to have "check-ins" with the court
- Ellie maintains her desire to NOT have DP a part of her life
Today:
DP STILL had not paid his fees and he had not gotten testing done. That was his update.
Oh, but wait... there is more...
Last time we had a check-in, he had $2100 of the $2500 saved for testing. Now, he explained that he had just had his car repossessed and he had to pay to get it out. So, now he was down to $1000. His lawyer went on to explain that DP only made a small amount of money per paycheck and he (the lawyer) believed he would never honestly make enough to hire someone to do the testing.
Thus, they were asking for a trial.
We have never had a trial. We have been set a couple of times for one. Witnesses there, questions and answers ready.
Here we are nearly 2 1/2 years post sexual abuse and there has not been a trial. Yet, we have been dragging through the mud the entire time.
Ellie has officially been released from her counselor. She has not had to hear about DP or see him so she has been coping very well.
Her anxiety, just a little more pronounced as we approach a check-in.
I sat in awe, shaking my head in my hands as the words, "we would like a trial" came from his lawyer's lips.
To think that this thing would drag on again was mind-blowing. I could not begin to grasp it.
The Judge explained that should DP lose he would have to pay my lawyer fees and he would give up all his parenting rights.
I believe that was meant to be of solace to me.
Lawyer fees.
By this time, paying for 2 lawyers, Ellie's and mine, we could have bought a small island. Perhaps sent her to college several times over. Did the Judge actually think that saying he would make DP pay my attorney fees would make me feel better? If the man could not come up with the money to get this testing done, for fuck sake, would I actually see a penny? I have seen a ridiculously low amount of child support. What would make this different?
The question was asked again, "are you sure you want to go to trial?"
Here is the deal... his low-life attorney is working for free. It is on court records that that is the case. So, what does DP have to lose to going on? If he found the money to take the tests and didn't pass (99% likely the case if he would go through testing) then it would be over.
The other option is to prolong everything. Make Ellie and me suffer. That way, he is still in our lives, still causing harm, still making both of our lives miserable. If at the end of that... which would be several months in the future, he still loses, at least he had dug his nasty claws into us for a bit more time.
"yes, we want a trial." his Lawyer said.
"then we will have a trial. we will schedule it for a full day," said the Judge.
The flood gates opened and I felt every single ounce of hope leave my body.
My lawyer looked at me and whispered "it is okay, we will talk." as I tried to get myself together.
As I sat in the quiet while a trial date was picked (April 11th for those keeping track), I tried to fathom what kind of a person did this. The cost of the trial had been talked about. DP knows full well I will never see a dime of what I am spending. The fact that this trial would be hard on Ellie was brought up by her lawyer SH and agreed upon by the Judge. SH explained that she had just seen Ellie and she had expressed a tremendous fear toward DP and steadfast desire NOT to see him again.
The Judge said, "yes, we have to remember how hard this must be on her as it has been going on for awhile now."
And yet... here we were dragging it out again.
DP's lawyer threw my name in the mud, saying I had had 2 1/2 years to plant seeds with Ellie. To say horrible things about DP and make her never want to see him again.
Little does he realize, I try to avert her attention when he is brought up. That the last thing I want in my house is to talk about him and that actually I have spent the better part of 2 1/2 years trying to help Ellie understand that it was nothing she did and that things would be okay.
And yet... here we are with another 4 months of waiting. Of this hanging over our heads and of the torture of it not being closed.
And so we go about preparing for a trial. Witnesses to ask. Questions to ready. Explanations for Ellie to figure out.
Who will he have to testify at the trial? Those who come will have to speak about how Ellie would benefit by seeing him now. They would have to testify to him being a good, fit parent.
These things are marred by the obvious. But, also hindered by the fact that he chose to not fund the testing. That even though it was ordered, he has decided not to do it. It will be hindered by the fact that upon knowing he had to pay for testing to clear his name and what he has been rightfully accused of, he instead paid for a car (or so the story goes). You can be sure that if I were accused I would take a bus, walk, start riding my bus to see my daughter or to get my name cleared if I really hadn't done it.
I can't help but wonder... who is this trial set for? Certainly not for my daughter. Because I know her well enough to know this is doing her no good. I know her well enough to know that there is nothing between now and then that will change her fear. That will change what has happened. That will change how deeply those scars run.
I know that actually the only thing it does is take time we could have enjoying freedom away. That it takes away yet more resources we could use to send her to summer camp, an after school program, or to save for a college fund.
The only one who wins today is a man who has already stolen the innocence of his own flesh and blood.
And, really, in my eyes, that is a loss for everyone.
I went to write a new blog today (June 8th) and I found this as a draft. I remember clearly writing it the day of our last court meeting and I remember I decided not to post it because I thought it was too negative. I left it as a draft to come back to and walked away. I'll publish it now ... and work on the update as well.
So, the following took place in December 2012:
With a cautious head and heart I went to court today.
I had not slept last night, knowing that today was a big day in our lives and not having a ton of hope. I had been down this road before. The road that said, "next time will be his last chance."
To summarize where we were:
- there have always been issues about DP and his treatment of Ellie (mental and emotional)
- in June of 2010 Ellie bravely came forward saying she had been sexually abused by DP. Not just once, but several times
- we have been going to court Ellie's entire life
- DP has not seen Ellie since June 2010
- Ellie was admitted to a hospital for suicidal ideation after the judge decided to grant DP supervised visitation (we ended up going back and the Judge, taking into account Ellie's state, redid the order)
- since then the case has officially been turned over to a psychologist who would have to interview me, DP and Ellie
- the interview of me was fine
- the interview of DP was not. He was ordered to get psycho-sexual testing and cognitive behavioral testing before the psychologist would entertain the thought of subjecting Ellie to more (ie even meeting the psychologist)
- DP has not come up with the money to do the testing, but we continue to have "check-ins" with the court
- Ellie maintains her desire to NOT have DP a part of her life
Today:
DP STILL had not paid his fees and he had not gotten testing done. That was his update.
Oh, but wait... there is more...
Last time we had a check-in, he had $2100 of the $2500 saved for testing. Now, he explained that he had just had his car repossessed and he had to pay to get it out. So, now he was down to $1000. His lawyer went on to explain that DP only made a small amount of money per paycheck and he (the lawyer) believed he would never honestly make enough to hire someone to do the testing.
Thus, they were asking for a trial.
We have never had a trial. We have been set a couple of times for one. Witnesses there, questions and answers ready.
Here we are nearly 2 1/2 years post sexual abuse and there has not been a trial. Yet, we have been dragging through the mud the entire time.
Ellie has officially been released from her counselor. She has not had to hear about DP or see him so she has been coping very well.
Her anxiety, just a little more pronounced as we approach a check-in.
I sat in awe, shaking my head in my hands as the words, "we would like a trial" came from his lawyer's lips.
To think that this thing would drag on again was mind-blowing. I could not begin to grasp it.
The Judge explained that should DP lose he would have to pay my lawyer fees and he would give up all his parenting rights.
I believe that was meant to be of solace to me.
Lawyer fees.
By this time, paying for 2 lawyers, Ellie's and mine, we could have bought a small island. Perhaps sent her to college several times over. Did the Judge actually think that saying he would make DP pay my attorney fees would make me feel better? If the man could not come up with the money to get this testing done, for fuck sake, would I actually see a penny? I have seen a ridiculously low amount of child support. What would make this different?
The question was asked again, "are you sure you want to go to trial?"
Here is the deal... his low-life attorney is working for free. It is on court records that that is the case. So, what does DP have to lose to going on? If he found the money to take the tests and didn't pass (99% likely the case if he would go through testing) then it would be over.
The other option is to prolong everything. Make Ellie and me suffer. That way, he is still in our lives, still causing harm, still making both of our lives miserable. If at the end of that... which would be several months in the future, he still loses, at least he had dug his nasty claws into us for a bit more time.
"yes, we want a trial." his Lawyer said.
"then we will have a trial. we will schedule it for a full day," said the Judge.
The flood gates opened and I felt every single ounce of hope leave my body.
My lawyer looked at me and whispered "it is okay, we will talk." as I tried to get myself together.
As I sat in the quiet while a trial date was picked (April 11th for those keeping track), I tried to fathom what kind of a person did this. The cost of the trial had been talked about. DP knows full well I will never see a dime of what I am spending. The fact that this trial would be hard on Ellie was brought up by her lawyer SH and agreed upon by the Judge. SH explained that she had just seen Ellie and she had expressed a tremendous fear toward DP and steadfast desire NOT to see him again.
The Judge said, "yes, we have to remember how hard this must be on her as it has been going on for awhile now."
And yet... here we were dragging it out again.
DP's lawyer threw my name in the mud, saying I had had 2 1/2 years to plant seeds with Ellie. To say horrible things about DP and make her never want to see him again.
Little does he realize, I try to avert her attention when he is brought up. That the last thing I want in my house is to talk about him and that actually I have spent the better part of 2 1/2 years trying to help Ellie understand that it was nothing she did and that things would be okay.
And yet... here we are with another 4 months of waiting. Of this hanging over our heads and of the torture of it not being closed.
And so we go about preparing for a trial. Witnesses to ask. Questions to ready. Explanations for Ellie to figure out.
Who will he have to testify at the trial? Those who come will have to speak about how Ellie would benefit by seeing him now. They would have to testify to him being a good, fit parent.
These things are marred by the obvious. But, also hindered by the fact that he chose to not fund the testing. That even though it was ordered, he has decided not to do it. It will be hindered by the fact that upon knowing he had to pay for testing to clear his name and what he has been rightfully accused of, he instead paid for a car (or so the story goes). You can be sure that if I were accused I would take a bus, walk, start riding my bus to see my daughter or to get my name cleared if I really hadn't done it.
I can't help but wonder... who is this trial set for? Certainly not for my daughter. Because I know her well enough to know this is doing her no good. I know her well enough to know that there is nothing between now and then that will change her fear. That will change what has happened. That will change how deeply those scars run.
I know that actually the only thing it does is take time we could have enjoying freedom away. That it takes away yet more resources we could use to send her to summer camp, an after school program, or to save for a college fund.
The only one who wins today is a man who has already stolen the innocence of his own flesh and blood.
And, really, in my eyes, that is a loss for everyone.
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