Pictures Worth More Than 1,000 Words

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  This week I have decided to share some pictures Ellie has drawn. Probably harder to take in than most of the other blogs, I think.  Ellie writes as well, in her journal.  But, here, she shares some intense feelings through her pictures.  These are some of the dozens she has drawn on her own or as school projects.  As I have mentioned before.  Nothing to hide

This one, a little hard to read, was one of the first show drew and wrote.  "My dad is suppose to go to jail.  I will always remember that.".

Another Visit to Court

 So, there I stood holding papers obviously filled out by someone other than DP, or DP had forgotten how to spell his name, as his first name was spelled incorrectly, just stunned.  Really? Full custody.  

Lord have mercy, this is the last thing I needed right now.  

I tried to read through the garbage and muddled print in the pages and finally gave up.  I called my lawyer in the morning and scanned the pages over to her.  She asked if they were delivered by someone certified.  No.  The papers were all a mess.  I was put in the plaintiff category, he was the defensive.  Several other things were incorrect as well and finally I had to laugh about it.  The reality though, nothing was funny.  

How could this man just walk into a courthouse and freely decide to do something like this? Again, dumbfounded.  The dates for this case were even before the one that we had scheduled, so we would be going to court quickly.  Also an error on his part as you need to give ample time to the parties involved.  I believe I had 3 days notice.  

There was nothing in me that thought the Judge would really give him anything that he was asking for.  But, here is the deal - the Judge had me completely guessing and I truly never knew what he was going to rule. So, I didn't know.  

Going to court is very odd, in that you can only talk about certain things at that particular time.  At this time we were going to talk about this ridiculous motion that DP had given to me to take Ellie from me.  Because it was specific to that, we could not bring up the fact that I was being harassed by phone calls or texts.  It was only about this stupid, useless, ridiculous, outlandish court case.  

I don't think I have talked about finances yet.  Going to court is not inexpensive.  Now, believe me, I would do anything it took to take care of Ellie in the proper way.  But, it is things like this that really chap my hide.  My lawyer has to now prepare for a preposterous case and I get billed for every hour, heck, every minute she does so.  We can talk more about finances later. 

I have yet to talk about DR and how she handles things in court.  She lives far away from the Hillsboro court house.  Our cases have always started at 9:30.  And, as I stated before,  I am always there around 7:30, just to be safe.  You never know what will happen in that two hours… oy.  So, when DR comes to court, she shows up at 9:30 and it drives me crazy.  It generally is because of traffic and I trust her 100% that she will be there, but I don’t do well with it. 

Sure enough, on court day, she was there.  I had my “lawyer suit” on, of course. 

We were ready and she was certain it was going to be fast.  The way she thought it was going to go was that the judge would simply throw his case out and ask to see us on the date that already existed in just a few weeks. 

DP showed up, no lawyer still.  Same posse behind him. 

We were the first people called to the front.  Above the bar we went.

Judge Raines asked DP if he knew what he had filled out and DP said yes.  He explained that he had filled out the wrong papers.  He also explained that he couldn’t fill any papers out right now because we (our team, so to speak) had already put something out to say that DP was in contempt of court.  That was what was on the table.  Nothing else could be heard.  DP didn’t understand it.  It had to be explained again.  I wanted to ask if Judge R could break it down as if he was talking to a 2^nd grader, but I held my tongue. 

DR asked for her time to be paid because this was a ridiculous situation (I am sure she put it in much more professional terms).  The Judge said no to that.  She would never see that money.  Was basically what he said.  It was true. 

He said that he would see us in a few weeks. 

******

Meanwhile therapy was continuing for Ellie.  She was going weekly and was making huge progress.  I was, and continue to be very proud of her.  We had found the perfect therapist for her.  

While things were painful, through much talking, play therapy, coloring and tough quiet times, Ellie let the therapist in enough to know that the sexual abuse was not a one-time thing.  Sadly, it was far from it.  She allowed me to sit in after the hour and Ellie told me as well.  That time when you hear it again and try to hold everything in is excruciating.  I didn’t want to get emotional, because I didn’t want Ellie to get sad. 

Part of the issue with Ellie keeping it in was that DP threatened to hurt me.  Whenever he put her down in that FM store and whispered in Ellie’s ear, the whisper was “if you tell your mom, I will hurt her.”

I’d like to stop and have you think about that for a minute.  Can you imagine that? He probably had just abused her, was dropping her off for the night and who knows when he would see her again and that was what he left her with. 

And then, my 6 year old (at the time) had to walk over and pretend that everything was okay.  She had to go on with things like it was okay, holding everything inside.  Can you even begin to imagine how much weight that puts on that little girl’s shoulders?  It breaks my heart.  How did I not know? The idea that something was wrong was there, I just didn’t know how big.  It kills me to think about. 

How could anyone do this to his own child?

The details were nearly too much to take.  But, I listened.  And I ached.  And I was so proud of Ellie for finally opening up and setting herself free and at the same time I wondered, how much more will there be?

We still deal with the physical repercussions of what he did to her on a fairly consistent basis.  UTIs and such are a reminder that sadly we live with. 

The damage of sexual abuse runs deep.  Physical, mental, emotional.  Once it happens, you can’t hide from it and you can’t forget it happened.  Constant reminders are always there.  

From the Happiest Place on Earth Back to Reality

I'm finding the posts more painful to do.  I don't know if it is because I am in a funk over this last decision by the judge (which I definitely am) or  if I know I am getting closer to some really hard things to tell.  Either way, I appreciate the constant companionship as I tell our story.  Again, if I am helping just one person, it is worth it.  I like to believe Ellie will be proud of me for telling it.  The next two years - after things coming to light June 2010 - to now have been nothing short of a nightmare.

******

It was mid-July and we were back from Hawaii with a new dog and yet the dark cloud of what happened never quite moved away.  Ellie continued to see her therapist every week.  It served her well.  She needed it and I was happy we had  found her.

On the legal front, no one could find DP.  He seemed to have skipped town.  This was of little surprise to me.  

The case and thus, Ellie and I, were assigned a DHS employee.  She came over and interviewed me and then she interviewed Ellie.  After she told me that Ellie had said the same thing she said at CARES and there was really nothing to be done.  Again, I was floored.  Our case would remain open just in case.  

She did say there had been a couple of other calls on him about Ellie and so there was already some history there.  My assumption was that it was from her child care provider.  But, the DHS employee was unable to tell me and felt she had let too much slip already. 

Days were dark. 

Nights were scary. 

Life had changed. 

The cloud that hung over us was low and thick. Not knowing where he was was haunting.  It was hard to sleep and so hard to want to get out of bed to do anything.  Depression hit harder than ever before.  

I would have done anything to erase what had happened.  The ridiculous amount of guilt I felt was heavy.  

When Ellie asked to go do Disneyland, I answered yes, without hesitating.  Could I afford it? Heck no.  We had just gotten back from a trip to Hawaii.  Was it a plan we had for the summer... Absolutely not.  But, my goodness, at this point, if the kid wanted to go to the moon, I was going to make it happen.

******

The happiest place on Earth was indeed happy.  It felt like if we were away things were better.  The distance between us and Oregon made life just that much easier.  

We slept much more than expected and it made me realize how much this situation was weighing on us both.  We got up as early as we could.  Smiled when we realized how late it was and headed to celebrate the freedom that we had.  Something that was not lost on either of us.

We enjoyed every inch of Disneyland and that trip, as well as the Hawaii trip will be remembered as something that brought Ellie and me closer.

Getting on the plane was not easy.  Though it went untalked about, we both knew what we were coming back to.  A life of looking around the corners, being a little more scared in the dark and a little more uneasy about everything.  The dark cloud.

******

DP was still nowhere to be found.  

Several weeks later I got an email from him though that said, "I am coming to get my daughter."  

Of course this stirred my emotions and caused me great fear. It also went back to my fundamental issue of how much do I tell Ellie.  I was always so torn about this.  I didn't want to scare her more than she already was.  I also was stubborn - most people would say probably too stubborn - on the fact that I didn't want to change my life over him.  I didn't want to take the fear he was causing me/us and have to uproot what we had in case he really was coming.  Did this put her/us in jeopardy? Did this cause my parents to lose sleep? Did this make me crazy? Things that will never be answered.  But, I had to control something and this was one thing I could control.  There were a few times when I felt we were in too much danger and we did leave for a few nights but this wasn't one of them.  At this point, I didn't even feel like he was actually in the same state at this point, so I felt okay staying at home.  Did I sleep that night? Probably not... but, gosh darnit, I was in my own bed!

*****

The harassment got crazier.  Texts were 6-7 a night.  Nonsense of texts to threatening.  Life was not easy.  And each and every day contained the question, "is my dad in jail?" from Ellie. 

Ellie was starting school in September and I was fearful of letting her out of my sight and into the school.  I had to make the school extra aware of the issues and fully aware that he was not to come any where near the school.  

Around October, he was found and incarcerated.  He spent less than 72 hours in jail.  That was it.  The jails are full.  And he only had to spend 72 hours.  

*****

I didn't hear much from him for awhile and I thought that maybe the time behind bars settled him down.  

Then, at the end of November, I got an email that said, "I want to see my daughter, I will meet you at Fred Meyer on December 7th."

Holy Shit.  My hands started sweating, my heart started pounding, and I automatically panicked.  

Now I will tell you this, I will never let this man see Ellie.  That is not going to happen.  But, the words, the thought, scared me.  More than scared me, it terrified me.  

I automatically contacted my lawyer.  She told me to calm down.  I will have to talk about her demeanor later.  She has a good way about her.

It was time to stop resting on our laurels and go back to fighting.  We would put in a motion with the courts the very next day that we wanted to a trial to that DP could have no contact with Ellie.  It was said, it was done and court date was set for mid-December.  AFTER, the date of December 7th.  

*****

DP would, of course be receiving information about this court date, which would stop his hope to see her (in anyone else's head) and we would prepare for court.  

At the very beginning of December, a knock on my door and a man in a suit appeared, just as my parents were leaving one night.  I had no idea who the man was, but opened the door.  He handed me the papers and said, "consider yourself served."  

Again, shaking, pounding, blinding by the shock of it all.  

I wanted to shield Ellie from it all, so my dad took Ellie as I ripped open the document.  Inside was a poorly filled out paper saying the DP stated that I was a bad parent; lying to and coercing his daughter.  He was also requesting child support from me.  And, for the grand finale, he was requesting full custody of Ellie.