Checking Into the Hospital

**as a reminder this occurred in the past. March 2011.

After the decision was made that Ellie would go to the hospital it was a matter of seconds that we were packing.  Her therapist thought she would be there for 2 nights and so we packed accordingly.  As Ellie got her bag ready, I picked up the phone to call my mom and dad.  I knew they were at the beach, but wanted to let them know.

Truth is, I have never wanted them to answer the phone more than at that moment.  The phone rang and rang and rang and finally after the 3rd ring, my mom, nearly out of breath, picked up with a cheerful, "hello?".

I, as calmly as I could, told her what was about to happen.
"I'm taking Ellie to the hospital." And then came the words I never thought I would have to say, "she is being checked in for suicidal ideation."

My mom, silent for a moment, said, "we are on our way."

I knew they were a good 2 hours from the hospital and said, no.  I was certain we would be done with the check in process by the time we got there and there was no reason to ruin their Spring Break to come for nothing.  But, she insisted and I was secretly thankful.

Ellie had finished packing.  A couple days worth of clothes, we put in some pictures of me and a few of Bell. She decided to take her pillow-pet and we were off.

The entire thing, from decision to getting in the car took maybe 10 minutes.  We didn't rush, but instead moved with a pace that was determined.  Ellie, and all of her 6 years, was calm and focused.  The most focused she had been all week.  She understood that she would be spending the night, and while that scared the shit out of me, she seemed just fine with it.

As we drove over we spoke a little about how she was feeling.  She asked questions about what to expect and I answered as best I could with the very limited knowledge I had.  She told me she thought she needed to be there.  I told her I thought that was brave and that the most important thing right now was getting better.  Fingers in her mouth, she rested the remainder of the drive.

We were met in the lobby by two ladies who knew we were coming.  One was a teenager, and I believe a volunteer who chatted with Ellie to keep her occupied.  My heart was literally beating a mile a minute and it was all I could do to match Ellie's brave face.

When we finally made it up the secret elevator to the special floor and through the locked doors, my heart stopped.  Was this really happening? Was I really putting my daughter into a psychiatric ward? Everything seemed so wrong and I felt horrible pangs of sadness.  How could this be her life? This little girl so full of joy was now at the bottom and it was all so wrong.

And then it got worse.  We were shown Ellie's room.  Pure white.  Stark white.  Nothing but white.  White walls, white linens on a small bed in the middle of a small room.  Nothing on the walls.  One small desk.  White drapes for the windows.  She had her own bathroom, which contained nothing.  The mirror, fake.  A toilet, a sink.  No color.

I thought Ellie would break at this point.  But she didn't.

She and the volunteer would check her stuff in while I did some administration things to get her checked in.  I was terrified to leave her side, but, again, Ellie bravely showed me that she was okay and walked off.

Once I got behind closed doors I broke down.  I mean, the flood gates let loose.  Was I doing the right thing? Was she going to be okay? Should she really be here? She is only 6 and why is this happening? The woman who was working with me was very calming and obviously used to this reaction.  She went through the things that should have made me feel better and I tried to listen as my mind was racing about how we got here and how dare DP fuck up our lives like this.

About mid-way through, Ellie's therapist came in.  I was happy to see her and she reported that she had come by to see Ellie and welcome her.  She tried to remind me that this is where Ellie needed to be.  And that all was going to be okay.  Through my tears, I had nothing to do, but try to believe her.

I was given some time to pull myself together and then come out and find Ellie.  She was in her room and happy because she got to order whatever she wanted for lunch - the other kids had already eaten and she needed to eat... so Mac-n-Cheese was on its way.

It was the first time we had a chance to be alone.

"What do you think?" I sheepishly asked.

"I like it" she said.

In my head I thought - what the hell do you like? Again, I was blown away by this little person who was so amazingly strong.

Her food arrived and with it a few items that would have to be returned home.  We had brought tennis shoes, with laces and those were a no-no.  Pictures were okay - but not the frames, they contained glass.  As the items were returned to me, things became more and more real and the lump in my throat grew.  Laces and glass.  Of course.  This is bigger than I thought.  Surely Ellie wasn't at this point. But, were the other kids?

Again we were left alone.  As Ellie ate her Mac-n-Cheese.  I told her we needed to brighten her room up.  She agreed.  I asked how she felt about staying and she said she felt okay.  She said she had been told by Dr J that her dad was not allowed to come.  That the floor was locked and you had to check in and only certain people could come in.  He was on a list that was the police list.  She was actually shown that.

It all started to make sense to me now.  She felt safe.  For the first time in who knows how long, my little girl felt safe.

The woman who had spoken with me, peeked her head in and said that grandma and grandpa were here.  I couldn't believe they had found us. I wanted to warn them about the room and also about how badly Ellie looked so I ran out and caught them before they walked in.  I could tell my mom and maybe even my dad had been crying.  When my mom saw me, it started again.  I stopped them both and I said, before you come in, you need to know the whole room is white, it is sad and depressing and Ellie looks bad. But, she is probably in the best shape of all of us and I don't want that ruined.  So, compose yourselves before you walk in, because there can be no tears in front of her.

I went back in and Ellie was thrilled that she had gotten some ice cream.  She was digging into that as I was looking at the daily schedule and going over that with her.  Then my mom and dad came in.  She was happy to see them.  I watched as my mom held back tears and took deep breaths.  But, again, they followed Ellie's lead.  Ellie explained to them that her dad couldn't get on the floor and wanted to show them the list before we all left.  She felt a great deal of empowerment with this.  Bless her heart.

After she was finished eating we went over her schedule and took a little tour, met some of the kids, the nurses and it was time for her to join the group.  Which meant it was time for us to leave.  I wasn't ready.

She was so small, so young.  And had never been away from me at a non-relatives or very close friends and I was terrified.  I mean, I knew she would be safe, but I felt like this was such a hard place to leave her.  My heart was so sad.

My mom and dad said good-bye and left us alone.

I told her how proud I was and how much I loved her.  I said that she could call anytime, she just needed to ask.  And I said I would be back at dinner time.  And with that, the person who guards the door, let me out.

The Outcome of the Judge's Decision

** As a reminder, this is a blog looking back at things in the past.  This happened approximately March 22-26, 2010.**




Generally we have a pow-wow after each court case.  This time I couldn't get to the car fast enough.  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I know DR wanted to comfort me.  I know she wanted to let me know what was next.  I know she wanted to say it would be okay.  

I left the conversation from DR, L and me and I made a beeline to my car.  I didn't say good-bye.  I couldn't.  I was a mess.  I was in a place I hadn't been before.  

I was having trouble getting a breath in.  Not like the exercised induced asthma I had had as a child, but actually having something so heavy on my chest I couldn't breathe.  Or was it that I didn't want to breathe? 

Again, the huge surprise about the verdict and now facing telling Ellie and finally facing the fact that in a few short days Ellie would have to see DP and L was caving in on me. 

******

I drove to my good friend RW's house, knowing full well, I was in no shape to go home just yet.  We cried together, we went back through the day, we tried to come up with ideas of what to tell Ellie.  And then we started to make a list.  Actually two lists.  One if the meeting actually went through. And two if the meeting didn't.  

I could always count on RW to be rational  She was I guess the ying to my yang.  Slowed me down. Thought through things I never would have thought of.  I needed that especially right now.  

While I was there I got a call from my lawyer checking on me.  I didn't answer the first and I did answer the second.  I wept through the call.  I didn't cry, I WEPT. She said she was sorry and that she didn't see it coming.  She was just as surprised by me.  She stated that the next move was that Ellie get her own attorney.  She had 2 people in mind.  The only thing that Ellie needed to do was to write a letter to the Judge telling him that she wanted a lawyer.  

We had two pretty good lists.  

We rehearsed the talk with Ellie several times.  

Time after time, I fell apart.  I cried so many tears that day.  

At one point, I couldn't prolong it anymore.  And I had a huge ache to see my girl.  

******

My mom and dad were both there watching Ellie.  I had called my mom after and just cried into the phone that it went horribly and I would be home when I got myself together.  Ellie had asked my mom several times what had happened in court and my mom told her that I would tell her when I got home.  I called to let them know I was on my way.  The 5 minute drive from RW's house took about 20 minutes.  

As I drove up and in the garage, there was Ellie's sweet face ... waiting.  Jumping up and down, yelling, "did you win, mommy, did you win?".  I felt the tears and gulped as hard as I possibly could.  I ran to her and picked her up.  I said, "today was a hard day, sweetie. We need to talk about it."

I walked her upstairs to where my parents where and I could see my mom had tears in her eyes.  I shook my head at her as to say, "it isn't good." 

"Mommy didn't win." Ellie announced.  

"I didn't, Ellie" I said, "But, we are going to be just fine. We need to figure some things out and we will be fine."

"Do I have to see my dad?" She asked, big brown eyes, looking up at me. 

"Maybe." I said, "But I am going to do everything in my power to stop it."

"I'm not going," Ellie said. I could see the tears building in her eyes.  Her thin arms wrapped around my neck and squeezed as tight as they could.  I didn't mind that it hurt a little.  I could feel every ounce of love from them.  

I wanted Ellie to hear the news first so I took her to her bedroom and sat her on her bed.  I explained that Judge didn't allow me to speak or anyone else.  He kind of had his mind made up.  And because DP hadn't seen Ellie in such a long time, he thought it would be fair for DP to start seeing Ellie again.  At that, Ellie started panic.  She got down from the bed and paced. 

"NO." she said. 

"Let me finish, Ellie." I said.  I had her sit down and this time held her.  I explained that in cases like this there was someone called a supervisor and the Judge picked L to be their supervisor.  At this, Ellie nearly came unglued.  The questions were coming left and right and I just didn't have answers.  As her panicked state began to pick up quickly she also started to cry.  I asked if she could just hang in there until I was done with what happened so I could tell her my plan and then we could go tell Nana and Papa.  

She did and we did. 

My plan was not great.  It started with something easy, which was Ellie getting a lawyer.  This seemed pretty cool to Ellie and she was off once I told her that all she needed to do was to ask for one (oh, how this changes our lives... and our pocketbooks... but, most importantly our lives).  

My next plan was to go get Ellie a phone.  We were nearing the end of Tuesday and while I would work my tush off until the visitation was suppose to start to get it changed, I had to also plan for the worst and that was that the visits would go through.  One thing would be keeping her safe.  A phone, maybe a little camera somewhere on her body, yes... I am Jack Bauer and I don't eat or sleep in 24 hours, but I do a lot of other things.  Don't mess with my kid. 

My mom and dad stayed while I went to get her a phone.  And look for a spy store (I'm not playing around).  

******

I got a couple more things checked off the list on that day - a meeting with Ellie's therapist for the following day, a call with my lawyer, some research on the internet and it was day over.

 *****

Wednesday started with Ellie coming into my room in tears and saying, I'm not going with him. Please don't make me go.  I hadn't slept a wink and knew right away who and what she was talking about.  Of course if I didn't let her go, I was breaking the law.  

I had already had plans to have cameras set up because if Ellie put up a tremendous fuss I would call it off.  I was planning on making sure she didn't know about the cameras because I didn't want those to CAUSE her to act a certain way.  But, I also wanted everything caught on video.  I would never force her to go.  Never.  

I decided we would drive to Seattle that day to get her mind off things and hopefully have some fun.  Little did I know that my 6 year old would regress several years right before my eyes that day.  

The car right started off great.  Ellie was excited.  She had several stuffed animals with her - ahhh... what did I care, that was easy enough.  All who know Ellie know that things are rarely quiet when she is around.  But, it was quiet in the backseat.  

"What's going on back there?" I'd ask... 

"Nothing." came the baby-talk voice.  I'd take a peak and her fingers were in her mouth (never a thumb sucker, always 2-fingers, upside down).  

At first I tried to stop it and then I let it go, realizing what was happening but not to what degree.  

"Hey... Els... do you want to talk about it?" I'd say

"Yes," she would reply. 

"Okay."

"I'm not going, mom.  I am just not going." 

"Well, the law says you have to.  I know it isn't fair and I don't even understand it.  But, you will be protected.  I will make sure of that. I promise."

"I'm not going." 

"So what is going to happen when he comes to the door?"

"I will answer it and I will tell him that I hate him and that I never want to see him again and I will close the door on him. And then I will call 911 and have them arrest him because he should be in jail." 

and... I'm speechless... with tears in my eyes driving to Seattle.  

I take a deep breath and I say (not believing anything that is about to come out of my mouth) "You know we are going to be okay, either way, right?"

And she breaks down in tears.  

I don't blame her, I want to too.  

*******

After getting her calmed down on the side of the road, we are back on track to Seattle.  There are a couple of smiles here and there, but mostly, she is literally in a ball in her car seat, fingers  in her mouth, blanket (who is not allowed off her bed, in normal circumstances ... yes, i said who), in her lap, playing her DSI. 

This was my Ellie.  She even figured out a way to use the pen for her DSI so she didn't have to take her fingers out of her mouth.  

When we got to Seattle she decide she wanted to stay. She decided that Bell, our dog, would find us and Nana would send us our clothes.  She did not want to go home.   We rested in a hotel and headed back.  The weather was bad and Ellie was in no condition to do anything.  Ellie cried for much of the way back and then started wetting herself.  I knew we were declining quickly and that this was a serious situation.  She would apologize profusely, cry more and I just wanted to get home. 

Bell was there to greet us and that was a welcome treat.  Bell always brought Ellie some much needed happiness.  

As I finally got to get an up close look at her after our drive I noticed that she had huge chunks of hair missing.  I asked Ellie about it and she was very honest.  

"I've just been picking at my hair." she said.  

"Are you pulling it out?" I asked

"Yes." simple.  Came the reply

I went to car to see if I could find the damage - there sat a pile of Ellie's sweet curly, thick hair.  A good chunk.  I couldn't scold her.  I could sit her down and have a heart-to-heart. 

But, first had to wipe the tears and compose myself. 

**********

I got Ellie to bed early that night.  It was far too easy. She didn't want to do anything.  So, bed seemed like the obvious next step.  This wasn't my child.  My child giggled, she laughed, she sang crazy songs.  I was watching Ellie disappear before my very eyes. 

"Mom, what is the difference be Heaven and Hell?" Ellie asked as I lay down beside her to read a book.  

At that point right there, there was no question in my mind we were headed into uncharted territories for us.  

E and I have a very close relationship. We talk about everything.  We have been blessed with that, probably because it is just the two of us.  But, this was getting scary, because I knew what was on her mind.  

"Why do you want to know, Ellie?" I asked. 

"Just because," she tried to get by.

"Why? Ellie." 

"Well, because if I go to Heaven I won't have to see him, right?".  

"Look, Ellie, we are not going to have this conversation right now, okay.  

"But, Mommy, is it true?" 

"Ellie, there is no point in talking about it. You going to Heaven is a VERY long time away.  I will not talk about death with you today, tomorrow or in the near future.  I just won't.  Do you understand that?"

Ellie nodded.  

I kissed her goodnight and with eyes streaming out of my eyes, I left her room.  

*********

Thursday morning.  We were going to meet RW and her kids at the zoo.  Ellie was sleeping in and I didn't want to wake her.  Little did I know that when I went to check on her around 10 (!) she wasn't really sleeping at all... but just not wanting to get up.  What? This wasn't Ellie Emery.  

We talked a bit and of course it was the "countdown" that was bugging her.  Now, I am not going to lie - it was bugging me too.  I was doing everything I could legally to get it overturned.  I was writing DHS, the detective, I was doing anything I could have done to try to get it stopped.  I was also preparing for the worst.  Getting the people in place for the cameras, making sure she her clothes were marked clearly with my phone number, getting her phone ready for easy use.  

Ellie would not get out of bed.  She asked me more questions about Heaven and Hell.  She questions were ones that made me have goose bumps.

It hit me.  This is a bigger problem than I can handle.  She now had pulled her eyebrows out as well.  I coaxed her upstairs finally around 11:30 and sat her on the coach where she sat, finger in the mouth, a shell of a person, sobbing motion, but no sounds, and few tears; none were left.  

I called her therapist with a 911 page. She called back immediately and I brought her up to speed on Ellie's quick down fall.  She said she wasn't all that surprised and told me that there was one thing we could possibly do, but if I said yes, I had to do it.  At the Good Sam Hospital there is a small Psychiatric Ward for children - only 4 beds.  She could see if one was open.  If we said yes, we'd have to take it.  

I didn't want to say yes without asking Ellie.  And she respected that.  I asked if I could page her back. 

"Ellie, I was just talking to Dr J," I started, "and she and I both know that this is very hard right now.  I have an idea that I want to see what you think about it.  There is a hospital that helps litt"

"I want to go" 

Before I could get the words out of my mouth, Ellie knew that she needed to go.  She was in.  She knew she needed help and she was ready.  

We got one of four beds and I believe it saved Ellie's life. 

Father's Day for a Little Girl Sexually Abused by the Man She Briefly Called Father

Leading up to this day has been nothing short of painful.  Nights of lost sleep, nightmares, Ellie's Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome showing itself in the highest form.  Why has it shown its ugly head? I don't know.  Her therapist, whom we have been seeing diligently for over 2 years doesn't know.  Is it because of Father's Day? Is it because the anniversary of Ellie coming out over the Sexual Abuse is coming up?

What I was hoping was the things would pop back into place after Father's Day over.  What I realize is that is probably not the case.  Things are only getting worse.

But, what I do know is that when I woke up this morning and my happy, sweet, full of life 8 year old was in a ball under her bed, today was going to be a very hard day.

We are nearing the 2-year anniversary of Ellie coming out with the news of the sexual abuse.  And for her, of course, life will never be the same.  One of the hardest days will remain Father's Day.

Today my heart has been ripped out in several situations and I am impressed by my little girl's ability to keep going.  We have learned to turn the radio down during commercials, we have learned to watch DVR'd TV and fast forward during the commercials so we don't have to watch what other's should buy for their fathers for Father's Day.  As silly as it sounds, one of the things the therapist told us to do is pick two songs and sing them when she gets to that "dark place." We have been singing a lot.

Some may think I am catering to her.  Here is the deal.  Any way I can make this day easier on her, you better believe I will.  One of my main missions right now is to help her not think about "him." And, if everything is talking about how great having a dad is, it just makes it even worse.  Not only does she not have one (in her mind, she has completely disassociated from him), but really, the one she does have abused her: mentally, physically and in the end, sexually.

At school she was asked to do a Father's Day present.  (I had of course, prepped the substitute teacher about her situation) and she was STILL asked to do it.  Ellie's response was "I don't have a dad."
The sub said, "Ellie, everyone has a dad."
"I don't."
All the kids jumped in with "you don't have a dad?"
And the poking fun began.

I have tried to put myself in her shoes.  The world is telling you to celebrate your dad.  I know people have lost their fathers to death and I cannot imagine that pain either.  But, here is a totally different feeling.  And no one has a clue how badly the things he did has hurt her.  Yes, she is only 8, but the wounds run so deep that this is just a cruel joke.

Here is the reality, is today harder than yesterday? Yeah... yesterday she wasn't under the bed when I woke up.  Is she going through a hard time? Yes.  Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is very real.  Was I hoping that it was Father's Day that brought it on? Absolutely.  I was hoping that today was going to be the worst day and life would even out ... and maybe it will ... For now... we are doing the best we can with what we have.  She laughed today.  And that sounds great.  So, Fuck her dad.  He was never a father anyway.  I hope he is suffering today.  I hope the pain he is feeling is deep.




If anyone is interested in PTSD in children:

Studies show that PTSD occurs in 1%-14% of the population. It can be diagnosed at at any age, and can occur as a sudden, short-term response or develop gradually and become chronic or persistent.

Most people with the post traumatic stress disorder try to avoid any reminders or thoughts of the trauma. Despite this avoidance, they often re-experience the ordeal in the form of intense "flashbacks," memories, nightmares, or frightening thoughts, especially when they're re-exposed to events or objects that remind them of the trauma.

The number 1 cause of PTSD listed is rape. 

These symptoms often continue for years following the trauma or, in some cases, may subside and return later in life if another event triggers memories of the trauma. In fact, anniversaries of the event can often cause a flood of emotions and unpleasant memories.

Things people with PTSD are likely to do: 

• avoiding activities, places, or people 
• lack of interest and participation in activities 
• feeling detached or estranged from others
• limited range of emotions
• sense that they will not live to graduate college, get married, have kids, etc.

Here are some things that help those going through PTSD:

• Most kids will need a period of adjustment following a stressful event, so during this time, it's especially important for parents to offer support and love, and to monitor their kids carefully.
• Let them talk about the traumatic event when and if they feel ready. It's important not to force the issue if kids don't feel like sharing their thoughts. Praise them for being strong when they do talk about it. Your child may prefer to draw or write about their experiences. Either way, encouragement and praise can help your child get their feelings out.
• Reassure them that their feelings are normal and that they're not "going crazy." Support and understanding from parents can help kids process difficult feelings.
• Get professional help immediately if there's any suspicion that a child has thoughts of self-harm. Thoughts of suicide are serious at any age and require prompt and effective intervention.
• Help build self-confidence by encouraging kids to make everyday decisions whenever appropriate. PTSD can make a child feel powerless, so parents can help by showing their kids that they have control over certain aspects of their lives. Depending on their children's ages, parents might consider letting them decide things like what's for dinner, what to wear, or select a weekend activity.
• Tell them that the traumatic event is not their fault. Encourage kids to talk about their feelings of guilt, but don't let them blame themselves for what happened.
• Do not criticize regressive behavior (returning to a previous level of development). If children want to sleep with the lights on or take a favorite stuffed animal to bed, it's perfectly normal and can help them feel better.

"It Can't Get Any Worse"... What?

We had a court date for March 22.  Ellie knew that it was a big one.  One that would probably end it all.  That is how I saw it, how my lawyer saw it, how her therapist saw it.  It was how we all went into it.

Now, some might say I told Ellie too much about what was happening in the courts.  I told her when court dates were.  I answered questions to the best of my ability without talking badly about DP, except when it came to what he done to her (that was in the court agreement and I didn't ever want to jeopardize that should she be put on the stand and have to say something about how I spoke about him).  I was honest with her.  As honest as I could be given the circumstances.  Many would think too open.  But the reality is SHE was living this life.  It was hers to live.  It was me and her.  And, how could I keep things secret?

I did my very best to not break down in front of her.  I hid my emotions to the best of my ability.

The hurtful part came when I thought we would be okay in a court room and we weren't.  I felt as if I had promised something to her and I let her down.   And that happened often.  Reality is, I never promised.  But, it still felt like I was letting her down.

March 22 was a big day.  We were going to have testimony, we were going to make some big decisions and my hope, our hope was that DP would have every right as a parent taken away.  There was no way it would go any other way.

After all, we had the detective coming, we had the affidavit from Ellie's therapist, DJ, we had my testimony, we could put DP on the stand.  We had the information from CARES.  Everything was in our corner.  I had the lawyer.  I had the team.  I had dotted my i's and crossed my t's with such care along the way.  There was nothing that I had missed.

I put on my "lawyer suit" and Ellie, who was home from Spring Break kissed me good-bye with a giant shout of "go get 'em, mom, I know you will win!"

With tears in my eyes, I headed toward the courthouse.  Oh, how I hated that drive.

DR met me at about 9:30, she saw I looked nervous and reassured me we were fine.

Then, in he walked, still without counsel.  His cocky demeanor.  So sure of himself and not feeling bad at all for what he had done and how he had changed our world.  DP stood there, looking ragged and thin.  I could only look so long before having to divert my eyes.  The sight of him sent shivers up and down my back.  He was disgusting in my eyes.

****

We rose as the Judge walked in.  And I sat with a deep sigh of hope.  I had been praying that the Judge had read the affidavit, and had read the whole folder from CARES and had remembered OUR case.  OUR case.  Not a cookie-cutter case.  But OURS.  

"I've read the information on the case," the Judge started. 

YES, I thought. 

"And it occurs to me, that this father has not seen his daughter in nearly a year." 

Wait... why does that matter? Where are we going with this? My heart was probably visible with how quickly it was pounding.  

"I think it is time he starts seeing her." 

As I began to stand, my lawyer put her arm in my lap as if to stop me.  She was right to do this.  What was I thinking? I was getting ready to yell out "OBJECTION" in my loudest and strongest voice.  

Instead, my lawyer, DR, did this.  After all, that was what she was there for.  

She calmly asked, aren't we going to hear any of the testimony we were prepared to give? The same testimony we were prepared to give last time? Weren't we going to discuss what DJ had said about Ellie seeing DP? There was a half-day set aside for our case... weren't we going to use any of that time to actually have a hearing? 

No, oddly enough, the answer was no. 

Tears started gushing down my face as I saw Ellie's face in my eyes.  The horror of me having to go home and tell her.  And yet, I tried hard to stay in the moment.  What on Earth was happening here? 

I couldn't believe any of it.  A nightmare right in front of me. Around me.  Wait.  It was my nightmare. 

As it continued to play out, I realized the Judge was asking me questions and I really did have to be present. He was saying that the visits would be supervised.  Okay, I nodded, face full of tears.  

My lawyer stood again.  

"We ask because of the circumstances of what the father did that the visits be supervised by someone in the legal system," she said.  Of course, I thought.  That is a no-brainer. 

"Come on Council," the Judge replied.  "He hasn't worked in years.  He doesn't have money to pay for a supervisor." 

As the words hung in the air, I started to panic.  What was going to happen? What were they going to do with Ellie and how could it be stopped? 

"With all due respect, your honor," my lawyer tried again... and she was cut off.  

The panic crept up and the ability to breath was actually being cut off.  I looked at my lawyer as if to say, "save me.  Save Ellie." She rested her hand on my arm and said, "hold on." 

The Judge asked if there was anyone we knew of who would supervise visitation and before the word completely came out of his mouth, a hand popped up from the courtroom.  It belonged to L. If I know her last name, I am forgetting it now.  She is JH's mom.  JH was DP's girlfriend long ago.  

This is a lady who once stopped Ellie in a grocery store and told her to come to her.  She was maybe 20 feet from me and as I approached with Ellie she said to me, "I only asked for Ellie to come." I took Ellie's hand and walked away.  I didn't know her from Eve.  I asked Ellie who she was and Ellie told me her name, but how dare you say that to me in front of my child.  

Oh Hell No, I was thinking.  She will not be the supervisor.  And, PS... we are not having supervised visitations.  So, start your magic DR and get us out of this... 

But, she couldn't.  We ended the day and the discussion with the Judge set in his mind that supervised visits were going to happen.  And, not just that, they were going to happen with L being in charge.  My issue with that came on several reasons.  First of all as far as "sides" were concerned, she was clearly on "his." She could say she was supervising and then leave them alone.  She had no training in supervision.  She, in fact, was not a trained person in the legal issues whatsoever.  

The end result was that visits would be every Saturday from 9-12 starting this Saturday (just 4 days away).   L would be supervising. They would come to get Ellie and they would be required to drive directly back to L's house and stay there until it was time to come back.  L was not to leave them out of her sight.

I could not keep my mouth shut on this point.  It was like breathing for me.  I HAD to say something .  I actually stood up and my mouth started moving and before I knew it, I was out of control.  Who was to say that she was going to say anything should something happen?

The brilliant Judge actually said, "your daughter told you once, why wouldn't she tell you again?".

I relied, "at that time it would again, be after the fact and again, be too late."

I stopped myself and thought, am I in a horrible Law and Order series? This is insane.

I was defeated.  I sat down in the courtroom, heavy.  I could not get Ellie's face out of my head.  I was starting to panic.  What would I tell her.  Walking into this day there was no way, literally none.  0% that I would have ended in this way.  It was so far from my head.  I would never have thought that Ellie would end up seeing DP.  NEVER.

The gavel was struck, and it was over.

As I got up the energy to walk out of the door of the court room, L was there waiting for me.  My eyes were puffy, tears were freely flowing down my face and I had no desire to see her.  DP was not in the hallway or anywhere to be seen.  She asked to have a conversation with me.  The people associated with my case came closer to me.  DR jumped in to see what it was about, "everything that needed to be said, has been said."

L said, "I just would like her to change her attitude." she told DR.

And it was on.  "Change MY attitude? What are you talking about? You are the one who approached MY daughter in a grocery store. She doesn't even like you, L. She is scared of you. She will hate that she has to see you and it will worry her more that you are involved. I will pretend that things are fine in front of Ellie for HER, but how dare you ask me to change MY attitude.  I DO NOT approve of this."

L said "Ellie loves me and she loves her dad. She will be thrilled to see us."

At that DR jumped in.

"Let's remember that you, (looking at L) haven't see Ellie for quite some time.  Let's also remember that this whole entire thing is for Ellie.  This change will probably be tougher than anyone can dream of.  I think everyone involved needs to do whatever they can to make it easy for her." With that L turned and walked out and I sat on the bench and cried.

Today ... Fast Forward for Just a Blog

As you know this blog is looking back on what has been leading up to the now.  It is a look back at what HAS happened.  But, I can't get what happened today out of my head.  

This morning, Ellie, my precious 8 year old, one of the oldest souls I know; a child so filled with joy it seems amazing that she is still ticking like she is, came into my room just after she finished breakfast.  She knew I was going to tell her she needed to get ready for school.  Mornings around here are always a rush.  

Just before the words came out of my mouth, she held up her hand and said, "I know, I know. Just a minute." 

It made me laugh a little. 

Then she said, "mom, I want to talk to my lawyer." (yes, she has her own now, we haven't gotten to that part in the story yet).  

I was surprised because we hadn't talked about lawyer stuff or DP or anything for awhile.  

"Okay." I said sheepishly.  "You are seeing DJ tonight." That is her therapist who we just see monthly now.  

"I know," she said.  "But, I want to talk to SH," she said.  

"Okay." Again, sheepishly. "You okay?"

"No.  I want this over with.  And I want to talk to the judge.  And I want to tell that to SH."  

Well, of course you do, Ellie.  My brave, strong girl.  

As she turned to go and get dressed.  I wondered in my heart, not so much in my head, what had brought that on.  What had she been thinking about and why had she approached me then and today and why now? 

Tears came to my eyes as I thought about all that she bears on a daily basis and I thought if only it were that easy.  A talk with the lawyer, our very own Perry Mason, who would magically fix everything.  And, in 60 minutes, including commercials, nonetheless.  

I wiped my tears and helped E pick out something to wear.  There was second grade to finish after all...   

Guilt That You Can Actually Feel

It has been awhile since my last post.  I have been feeling a horrible since of guilt.  For anyone who has been in a similar situation as this, I wonder if they feel the same.  I so want this fight to be over for Ellie.  She deserves to be done with this and I feel that it is my duty as a mother to make it go away, and I can't.

The feeling of guilt is a powerful one.  It can be paralyzing.  I don't feel like doing anything, don't feel like getting out of bed, don't feel like working (though I do), don't feel like smiling (sometimes do), I am a person just going through the motions.  The feeling of doing wrong by my daughter is terrible.

However... back to the story ... I mean our lives.

*****

After we went to court for the silly thing that DP wanted to have custody of Ellie, we were asked to return in a few weeks.  At the end of December we went in for another trial.  By this time, it should have felt like old hat, but it didn't.  It never would.

Having to see DP was always the worst part.  The thought of it driving over in the mornings made me sick. The first time I saw his face each time made it even worse.  And then looking at him made me really ill.  Just going through things in my mind.  How our lives had changed.  How he had changed.  How nothing would ever be the same because of him and what he had done.

JR walked in and we stood.  We had an affidavit from Ellie's therapist talking about how dangerous it was for Ellie to be around DP.  It talked about the seriousness of what he had done and that there was no benefit of the two of them trying to have a relationship.  I was ready to speak. We had the police officer there as well.  However, the judge had different plans.

Once again, nothing would be heard.

He would postpone the trial date again, giving us 3 months for everyone to be ready for a trial.

We were ready.

I still don't know we postponed, nor were we able to ask.

Everyone thought how great this was, 3 more months with Ellie not having to do anything with her dad.

This is not true.

Sure, she didn't have to see him, but, in actuality, this is 3 more months of our lives being held captive by this case.  It was 3 more months of time where we looked in every corner of the store before we felt safe being somewhere.  Things didn't magically get better.  They remained the same.  Drawn out and confusing.

******

Everyone asks "why?"  I don't know why.  I have no idea why things are prolonged. I don't know why the judge rules what he rules.  I don't have a single answer for anything along the way.  I have no idea why I have been fighting for nearly 2 years for this.  (And that is if you just count the sexual abuse).  I don't know.  

Here is what I do know. 

- Our court system does not work to help our children stay safe.

- Our court system is a tangled web of expensive bureaucracy that I, as a fairly intelligent person, have been battling to the letter for nearly 8 full years now. And have been confused more times than I have understood things.

- Our court system does not seem to care that a clinical MD who has been treating my child said "Ellie exhibits extreme anxiety about the prospect of spending time with her father, especially alone. In my opinion this anxiety rises to the clinical level. I further believe Ellie is traumatized by the very idea of spending time with her father and at this point may experience emotional and behavioral decompensation if required to spend time alone with him." 

How do I know they don't care about the last one? 

Stay tuned for the next one. When our lives literally turn upside down.