So Very Close to Being Done

It has been 4.5 months since our verdict...

Yesterday my phone rang and caller ID said, "lawyer".  It made my heart race.  I hadn't seen that ID for 4.5 months and, as lovely as my lawyer was, I would be fine never seeing it again.

She was calling with good news.  She started the call off with letting me know that.  After working with me for 9 years she knows that is how I need to start the call  - tell me upfront.  Good news or bad news.  And then go.

It seems the judge had ruled on the issue of DP having to pay part of my court fees.  If you take what has been spent on this last 9 years - My lawyer, Ellie's lawyer, Ellie's therapist, the Psycho-therapist the court appointed, - I could have bought a small island, or possibly two.  And having Ellie safe with me, it was a bargain.  The best money spent.

According to my lawyer the Judge had ruled that a significant amount of our total must be paid back by DP.  She, my lawyer, was surprised by how much the Judge had agreed to.  She said it wasn't a regular thing to do.  I think she chose to call instead of email me this news because I think she was looking for some excitement from me.  I just don't have that feeling.  Reality is that I have not, do not, will not get child support from DP... why would anyone in the world think I would ever see a cent of this judgement? What is the saying? Getting blood from a turnip? So, this follows him everywhere... well, if someone could find him, that would be neat and then it could start following him.  I just don't really care.  The only thing that made me happy is that we are a step closer to being done.

The next step, said DR, is to "close out the case." I needed to give her the okay to do that.  Basically, as I understand it, she tells the courts that this case is over and if DP (or anyone for that matter) wants to reopen it they have to go through me rather than through her.  Again, I don't care much because I don't THINK anything more will happen.  The only thing I care about is we are again, one step closer to being done.

My thought is that by the beginning of 2014 all judgement will be filed and our case will officially be CLOSED...And at some point in my life, lawyer bills will be paid.

Our lives are back to being our lives.... I have extra time because I am not always thinking of this case, what could happen, what should happen, what might happen. I'm not dealing with lawyers.  I literally didn't realize how much time it was taking up. Ellie has been able to be on a soccer team the last few months. She also just went through basketball tryouts.  We have never been able to devote that much time to something and it is wonderful.  I get the biggest thrill watching Ellie have fun and be carefree.

I thought I knew how horrible it was on my health - but I didn't know the extent it hurt me.
Now that it is nearly over, I feel better every day.

But, the biggest change is Ellie.  She has changed...and all for the better.  More care-free, not as anxious and 100% full of joy.  That kid, all 50 pounds of her is pure joy.  And it is contagious.

We fought a battle I was not willing to lose.  It was hard, it was gut-wrenching, time-consuming, expensive and painful.  On the other end of it we feel blessed.

Both of us know one thing for sure - we want to make sure there was a reason for it all.  We have each pledged to give back.  Ellie will one day help other kids going through this and I will try to do something to change our court systems.

We are blessed, we have each other.  I have a girl bursting with JOY.

Mostly, we are happy it is nearly over.

Ellie Gets Released

 Bell, our dog was missing Ellie too. She did not come downstairs (where are bedrooms are) once that week.  It was the saddest thing I have seen from Bell. She sat, waiting, by our big windows for her Ellie to return.  

Thursday morning meant court.  I would have to face him again.  I had to catch a flight at 12:30 to go to Spokane for work.  That meant missing lunch and dinner with Ellie.  My mom would pitch hit.  I was rushed, but if court meant missing my flight, so be it.

We had Ellie's therapist and me ready to testify. I still was weepy, but ready to be stoic when I needed.  

We rose, as JR came in.  

He, without hearing a word from anyone, said that he was giving me/us 6 months of not seeing DP.  At that time, we would come back and resume.  He apologized again about what had happened and said that he had made a mistake.  The first time I felt things were not one-sided AND not in my favor.  

I didn't have time to chit-chat with my lawyer, nor did I particularly want to - and I knew if I hurried to the airport, I could stop on the way and see Ellie.  I asked her therapist if it was okay (I would be breaking the rules of visiting) and she said, absolutely, it is what Ellie needed.  

I raced to the hospital, got to the locked door and was let in to see Ellie. She came down the hall (not knowing about court) and asked why I was there.  I told her I had some good news.  We went to her room and I told her about that morning.  As soon as the last word left my mouth, Ellie said, the words I had been aching to hear, "I want to come home.  When can I?" 

ahhhhh... music to my ears.  My girl wants to come home.  I was so happy.  

I didn't know if she was ready, though. 

I told her that I would find out and let her know.  I explained I had to run and I would not see her later, but I would call.  

On the way out, I called Dr J, her therapist and asked if she could come home.  She would get back to me. 

*******

Friday morning about 10, a call from the hospital.  "Do you want to come and get Ellie?" 

The drive to the hospital had never been so long.  I was going to get Ellie.  What I thought originally would be 2 nights had turned into 7.  And, what I feared was that she would never be the same.  I worried that the spark was gone forever.  I worried that this whole experience had changed her.  I was terrified, but so excited to have her well enough to come home.  

She was packed and ready to go when I arrived.   We shared the biggest hug possible when we met.  (we always say, I'm going to hug you until you pop... I definitely popped!).  

I had Bell waiting in the car.  It was as if Christmas had arrived for both of them.  So much love in the car! 

*******

As I look back on the time in the hospital, I cannot say how good it was for Ellie.  It saved her.  It also made her a better person.  I was worried that she would not snap back, but she did. And she knows so many more coping skills.  

The doctors and nurses there were amazing.  The art therapy and music therapy she did matured her enough to handle this situation.  She learned something she still uses today: Keep your hands and feet to yourself, Listen to the person who is talking, Be respectful.  Those 3 things were the 3 mantras of the hospital.  Simple enough for every patient to understand and yet so powerful that she has uses those even years later.  I am thankful to my core for those who helped save Ellie. 

Court: Twice in One Week

Visits with Ellie went well on Sunday.  She, again, was okay.  She had figured out which of the boys “played nicely” and which didn’t.  She was now allowed to shut her room door, which occurred after being there a couple days.  We had only planned on her staying a couple nights, so I had to bring extra clothes with me.  No one was talking about her getting out just yet.

I knew as soon as Monday hit I would be knee deep in legal bullshit.  I was not looking forward to it. 

After nearly 7 years in the game, I was right. 

The day started with my lawyer calling to check in on Ellie.  Further she had sent an email that was intended to “patch things up” after my explosion with DP and L on Sunday and that was fine with me.  Third, she told me that DP was putting up a fight about Ellie getting her own lawyer.  And we had to be in court Tuesday. 

Tell me which show this happens on.  Is this the longer version of Law and Order that I never did see? Was there a Perry Mason summer that I missed because I remember watching every episode in the summers with my dad.  You are going to deny your daughter a lawyer?  My lawyer had never heard of anyone have to appear in court for this.  But, well, welcome to my court case.

From what I understand of the law in Oregon, and perhaps it is so elsewhere as well, if a child requests a lawyer, they get one.  Period.  End of story. 

So why would we be appearing? And why now?

Alas…

I tried to function best I could, working in the hours I wasn’t with her and visiting when I was allowed.  She missed Bell, missed me, but never once asked about coming home.  It broke my heart.  But, now, I know she was where she needed to be. 

The nurses and doctors there were so fantastic.  I adored each and every one of them and they adored my daughter.  I got compliments on her behavior each time I went.   I also got so much insight into what was going on in her head.  The days there were so good for her.

It was one of the hardest, if not the hardest times in my life. 

I remember feeling so lost.  So heavy.  So sad. 

It was hard because the question was constantly asked, “why” did the judge make these ridiculous decisions leading up to Ellie being where she was.  I, of course, had asked those same questions time and again.  But things shifted in my mind.  It no longer became about asking why.   The reality was we were here.  And we would never know why.  We needed to face the reality and try to move on.  It was a huge mental shift for me. 

It also became a reason I couldn’t talk to really anyone.  I didn’t want to hear the question of “why.” I had no answer.  I just knew Ellie was in a very bad place emotionally.  One that I never saw for my daughter.  And, now was the time to figure out what the next step was.

I had to contact the school and let them know Ellie would be out for a bit.  It was the little things that proved the hardest this week. 

Tuesday morning was time for a court appearance, while my daughter was still in the hospital, and a time to go face to face with the two men, I believe put her there.  DP and the judge.  The question before us was did Ellie deserve to have her own lawyer.  By all accounts there was nothing saying she shouldn’t.  It should be a pretty straight forward court visit.  Just, as the others, costly.

My stomach turned as I was back in the place I hated so much.  I saw DP and his posse – L, JH, her husband SH and now JH’s sister, KH. 

The “honorable Judge R” came out and we were seated.  He quickly started things by saying he had heard about the current state of things and he was sorry to hear about how things were.  He did not make eye-contact.  But, he did apologize.  DP joined in when there was a voice of “thank you, your honor.” From my lawyer and I.  Ever confusing.

Judge R said that the question at hand was whether Ellie could have her own lawyer or not and that in the state of Oregon it was the law that Children simply needed to state their desires to have one.  He then held up Ellie’s written document asking for one. 

He asked if DP had any questions.  He didn’t.  And that was all. 

Really?

We needed to appear in court for that? Does anyone have any sense of how much this is costing me?

On with the day, I went to see Ellie and told her the good news. 

The calls I had missed while in court, included a couple from Ellie's school telling me that she had not shown up for school and asking did I know she was absent.  Was I really going to have to call every morning and tell them that she still was in the hospital? 

I heard from my lawyer later in the day.  We would be going back to court Thursday to get an immediate danger filed to stop visitation that was previously ordered because of Ellie’s delicate health.  This week could prove to be very long.  We would have her doctor there ready to testify.  I would testify and we would hope that the Judge would grant it.

I was certain that by then Ellie would be home.

How wrong I was.