Note from Amy:
I went to write a new blog today (June 8th) and I found this as a draft. I remember clearly writing it the day of our last court meeting and I remember I decided not to post it because I thought it was too negative. I left it as a draft to come back to and walked away. I'll publish it now ... and work on the update as well.
So, the following took place in December 2012:
With a cautious head and heart I went to court today.
I had not slept last night, knowing that today was a big day in our lives and not having a ton of hope. I had been down this road before. The road that said, "next time will be his last chance."
To summarize where we were:
- there have always been issues about DP and his treatment of Ellie (mental and emotional)
- in June of 2010 Ellie bravely came forward saying she had been sexually abused by DP. Not just once, but several times
- we have been going to court Ellie's entire life
- DP has not seen Ellie since June 2010
- Ellie was admitted to a hospital for suicidal ideation after the judge decided to grant DP supervised visitation (we ended up going back and the Judge, taking into account Ellie's state, redid the order)
- since then the case has officially been turned over to a psychologist who would have to interview me, DP and Ellie
- the interview of me was fine
- the interview of DP was not. He was ordered to get psycho-sexual testing and cognitive behavioral testing before the psychologist would entertain the thought of subjecting Ellie to more (ie even meeting the psychologist)
- DP has not come up with the money to do the testing, but we continue to have "check-ins" with the court
- Ellie maintains her desire to NOT have DP a part of her life
Today:
DP STILL had not paid his fees and he had not gotten testing done. That was his update.
Oh, but wait... there is more...
Last time we had a check-in, he had $2100 of the $2500 saved for testing. Now, he explained that he had just had his car repossessed and he had to pay to get it out. So, now he was down to $1000. His lawyer went on to explain that DP only made a small amount of money per paycheck and he (the lawyer) believed he would never honestly make enough to hire someone to do the testing.
Thus, they were asking for a trial.
We have never had a trial. We have been set a couple of times for one. Witnesses there, questions and answers ready.
Here we are nearly 2 1/2 years post sexual abuse and there has not been a trial. Yet, we have been dragging through the mud the entire time.
Ellie has officially been released from her counselor. She has not had to hear about DP or see him so she has been coping very well.
Her anxiety, just a little more pronounced as we approach a check-in.
I sat in awe, shaking my head in my hands as the words, "we would like a trial" came from his lawyer's lips.
To think that this thing would drag on again was mind-blowing. I could not begin to grasp it.
The Judge explained that should DP lose he would have to pay my lawyer fees and he would give up all his parenting rights.
I believe that was meant to be of solace to me.
Lawyer fees.
By this time, paying for 2 lawyers, Ellie's and mine, we could have bought a small island. Perhaps sent her to college several times over. Did the Judge actually think that saying he would make DP pay my attorney fees would make me feel better? If the man could not come up with the money to get this testing done, for fuck sake, would I actually see a penny? I have seen a ridiculously low amount of child support. What would make this different?
The question was asked again, "are you sure you want to go to trial?"
Here is the deal... his low-life attorney is working for free. It is on court records that that is the case. So, what does DP have to lose to going on? If he found the money to take the tests and didn't pass (99% likely the case if he would go through testing) then it would be over.
The other option is to prolong everything. Make Ellie and me suffer. That way, he is still in our lives, still causing harm, still making both of our lives miserable. If at the end of that... which would be several months in the future, he still loses, at least he had dug his nasty claws into us for a bit more time.
"yes, we want a trial." his Lawyer said.
"then we will have a trial. we will schedule it for a full day," said the Judge.
The flood gates opened and I felt every single ounce of hope leave my body.
My lawyer looked at me and whispered "it is okay, we will talk." as I tried to get myself together.
As I sat in the quiet while a trial date was picked (April 11th for those keeping track), I tried to fathom what kind of a person did this. The cost of the trial had been talked about. DP knows full well I will never see a dime of what I am spending. The fact that this trial would be hard on Ellie was brought up by her lawyer SH and agreed upon by the Judge. SH explained that she had just seen Ellie and she had expressed a tremendous fear toward DP and steadfast desire NOT to see him again.
The Judge said, "yes, we have to remember how hard this must be on her as it has been going on for awhile now."
And yet... here we were dragging it out again.
DP's lawyer threw my name in the mud, saying I had had 2 1/2 years to plant seeds with Ellie. To say horrible things about DP and make her never want to see him again.
Little does he realize, I try to avert her attention when he is brought up. That the last thing I want in my house is to talk about him and that actually I have spent the better part of 2 1/2 years trying to help Ellie understand that it was nothing she did and that things would be okay.
And yet... here we are with another 4 months of waiting. Of this hanging over our heads and of the torture of it not being closed.
And so we go about preparing for a trial. Witnesses to ask. Questions to ready. Explanations for Ellie to figure out.
Who will he have to testify at the trial? Those who come will have to speak about how Ellie would benefit by seeing him now. They would have to testify to him being a good, fit parent.
These things are marred by the obvious. But, also hindered by the fact that he chose to not fund the testing. That even though it was ordered, he has decided not to do it. It will be hindered by the fact that upon knowing he had to pay for testing to clear his name and what he has been rightfully accused of, he instead paid for a car (or so the story goes). You can be sure that if I were accused I would take a bus, walk, start riding my bus to see my daughter or to get my name cleared if I really hadn't done it.
I can't help but wonder... who is this trial set for? Certainly not for my daughter. Because I know her well enough to know this is doing her no good. I know her well enough to know that there is nothing between now and then that will change her fear. That will change what has happened. That will change how deeply those scars run.
I know that actually the only thing it does is take time we could have enjoying freedom away. That it takes away yet more resources we could use to send her to summer camp, an after school program, or to save for a college fund.
The only one who wins today is a man who has already stolen the innocence of his own flesh and blood.
And, really, in my eyes, that is a loss for everyone.
