Another Chance

* Boy, it has been a long time since I last updated.  I think I needed a break from what is our reality.
Just as a reminder, this is occurring in the past.  November 2012.

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We had our power team ready and I was in my power Lawyer suit. All systems were go.  

Unfortunately, the Judge saw it differently.  

It was another day where the Judge didn't even hear testimony.

The Judge took my Lawyer, Ellie's Lawyer and DP's Lawyer in the back room. The update was simple.  DP was suppose to have come up with the half the money needed to start talks with CS, the behavioral psychologist, to whom the Judge was turning the case over .  I had already paid my half and this was the deadline for DP to pay his.  The reality was he did not have the money (or was choosing to use his money for other things).  He had, the day before, oddly enough, paid $100.  1/5 of what he needed to pay.  The lawyer suggested that DP was doing all he could and that he needed more time.

Now, I don't get several things about this case.  No money has come to me for child support.  I was also raising a child. I was paying for Ellie's medical bills, which were astounding by this point and our legal bills (picture bills from 2 lawyers), and her therapy bills.  Yet, when the fee to go forward was due... I paid it.  Why? Because it was the law.  It was what everyone said I had to do.  It was what I needed to do to say out of contempt.

However, DP doesn't do it.  Asks for an extension and ... gets it.

The Judge, the honorable JR, said that we would give him one more month to come up with the money, on that day in November.

I was frankly beside myself. It was incomprehensible to me.

How many chances does this "man" (a word I am using here very loosely) get?

As much as my Lawyer and Ellie's Lawyer argued, it didn't matter.  Mid-December we would be coming back.

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In the meantime, things got harder on Ellie.  

As much as I tired not to talk about the case or let my emotions show, Ellie wanted to know what was going on.  And, I felt that I had to keep her in the loop as much as was right.  Now, that point may be argued here and there, but it was our relationship and I told her as much as I felt she needed to know, with the expert advice of her therapist, JR. 

She wanted it over.  She started to struggle.  She wanted this chapter of her life to be closed and frankly, she wanted to be heard.  She felt that no one was listening to what SHE wanted and that was extremely hard for her.  She asked, almost daily to talk to the Judge.  No one thought that was a good idea. The trauma she would go through would be unbearable.  

Nightly, numerous times a night, terrors started happening.  Ellie became someone I didn't recognize while she slept.  It was not easy.  

She withdrew.  She went through a period - pretty long - where all she wanted was to be home, with me.  I believed she needed to do it, I didn't want to make her do things that caused more angst.  She had been through enough. I always gave her options, but she generally opted to be a homebody; and I felt she needed that at that time.  

School and home were her sanctuary.  I am not sure I encouraged it, but I didn't try to push her outside her feelings of safety, either.  Not given a handbook on these things, it is just how I decided to play it.  

There were times when she talked about going back to the hospital. Those were the darkest, toughest times. She knew she had a safe sanctuary there.  We spent many hours talking to JR about that.  Hearing the despair and the hurt in her was (and, let's face it... still is) the hardest thing of all.  

This needed to be over.  For Ellie's sake. 

Our Case Gets Handed Off

As a reminder, this occurred in the past - we are now to May 2011.


We were set.  As a team, we knew what was going to be asked and what everyone was going to say.  I was certain all would be taken care of today.  With the addition of SH, Ellie's lawyer, we were now meeting before the court time.  I was thrilled.  I enjoyed the pre-court talks.  SH, JR (Ellie's therapist) and I met at 9 at Starbucks.  DH, my lawyer met us at 9:30 just as we were getting ready to enter the courtroom.  The talks were basically a reality check.  I was told time and again that it really didn't matter what we were going to say, odds are that the Judge already has made his decision.  How horrifying.

So, all the work didn't matter.

Forget about the work... let's talk about the reality not mattering.

I felt like I was on an uphill climb with this Judge.  If he already has his mind made up, where would we get?

The day was expensive as well.  I was paying for 2 lawyers - mine and Ellie's, as well as her therapist to be there.  By this time, I could have bought a small island.  Each time we went to court with both lawyers the bills were outrageous.

If it worked and all came out best for Ellie, the money didn't matter, but the more we were spinning our wheels, the more frustrating it became.

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Dressed in my "lawyer" suit, I walked in with my super-team.  We had met the Detective and the DHS worker at the courtroom.  We were immediately asked to leave.  The Judge wanted to see my lawyer, DR, Ellie's lawyer, SH, and DP's lawyer, JPB, in chambers.  So, there I sat, DP and his gang, his ex-girlfriend, her husband, her mom and sister, in the corner of my eye.  I sat with Ellie's therapist and she tried to get my mind off of what was happening.  I didn't feel good about it.  Why did he want to see everyone in chambers? 

Several minutes passed and I saw DR and SH approach me.  DR explained that the Judge did not want to hear anything today.  

I stopped listening and tears filled my eyes.  This circus was never going to end.  It had now been going on nearly a year (and that is just from the sexual abuse... in reality we had been in and out of court for 7 years!).  

DR explained that the Judge was did not want to make any decisions in this case anymore.  He felt as if he had messed up already and was going to pass it on to someone else.  Her name was CS.  She is a behavioral psychologist and would take the case from her.  I had heard about her when things started getting bad with Ellie.  We almost went and saw her, but opted for Ellie's current therapist instead because of cost and wait.  The plan was the she would interview me, DP and Ellie (each separately) and from that either suggest/require additional therapy or make a decision.  We would go back in November and tell the Judge what we had found.  

The cost of her services would be split.  And she wouldn't start until she had $500 from each of us.  That got us about 3 hours.  One for DP, one for Ellie and one for me.  

*******

Up til this point I had received only $80 for Child Support.  That was all.  All of these years.  He had worked under the table at several places and told his lawyer that he was working, but no money ever came to me.  He was (is) also responsible for 1/2 of Ellie's medical bills, which, by this time had really added up.  I didn't necessarily want his money, but it is just another example of how messed up our system is.  How could he afford an attorney and yet not pay child support to his daughter?  Not help pay medical bills for her? All of it was nearly too much to take.  

*******

The court document didn't get signed by JR until mid-July and then JPB didn't actually turn the paper over to CS until mid-August.  So, we got a couple of months of doing nothing, which we both appreciated.  When I heard that CS had the document, I paid my $500 and waited. 

*******

Ellie was settling into 2nd grade fairly well.  But, the school year was not without incident.  On the first day of school, the counselor asked if I had updated paperwork.  I needed to provide the correct documents that kept Ellie safe at school should DP try to skirt the system and see her there. The documents said he wasn't allowed on school grounds or to see/take Ellie.  I was thankful they were in place. 

Of course the need for up-to-date paperwork freaked me out.  The reality was that the paperwork they had said he was not allowed "until further notice." Their feelings were that that was vague and they needed more. I didn't have more.  Nor did the court provide more. That was what stood.  Of course I had to get SH, Ellie's attorney involved.  But, once they spoke, things were fine. 

Otherwise, Ellie continued to thrive in school. She was great at home too.  Though she had her ups and downs. Mostly she just wanted things to have an ending.  Though we weren't doing much with the law, the thought of all going on with DP was never far from either of our minds.  

Ellie had problems going down certain streets because they reminded her of DP.  She would be in the back shielding her face from everything and I would remember that I had crossed a line.  It was sad. 

She was invited to a friend’s birthday party and it happened to be at a bowling alley that she and DP had been to before, we must have sat in the car for 40 minutes before she got brave enough to go inside.  She just couldn’t beat those demons.  How could I ever blame her?

To see that pain, that deep seeded pain, was tragic.  It ripped my heart out every single time.  She was so stoic.  So much bravery in that tiny body.  I was beyond impressed with her every day.

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November 16^th: Court date.

I put on my “lawyer suit.” 

Ellie’s therapist, her lawyer and my lawyer were on my team.  We, again, were ready.

I had paid my half or the money.  DP had not.  I was certain this would be it.  I was certain he would be in contempt of court.  Perry Mason, one hour, in and out and done.

Again, the system floored me.