Preparing

Yesterday we met with Ellie's lawyer.  I am hoping this was the last time.

I am forever amazed by two things -
- the depth for which her lawyer cares for her
- the gut-wrenching things that go through my daughter's head

Her lawyer, SH, has a new office. As we drove over, Ellie expressed her anxiety over the possibility of DP's lawyer, or DP himself, being there and/or listening to her talk to SH. She told me how she wished we were meeting at our house, which we had done a couple times in the past.

Selfishly, I had opted for an office visit, knowing it would be about 1/3 of the price when the bill came and I was kicking myself for that as we drove.  The comfort and ease of Ellie was certainly worth the pain of a higher bill.

SH had a therapy dog in her new office and I felt that perhaps Ellie would ease up. Ellie loves dogs. This one was a giant soft black poodle.  The meeting started with getting to know the dog and Ellie relaxing a bit. She was down on the floor petting the pup and talking about school this year, her new hairdo and life in general at the ripe age of 8.

I told SH about Ellie's concern and SH explained in words that Ellie could clearly understand that DP and his lawyer were no where around.  She tried to put Ellie at ease.  I could tell that she was still guarded, but was starting to feel better.

SH had her legal assistant come in.  She told us that her legal assistant had a daughter Ellie's age and they spoke about shared interests.

More layers of anxiety being stripped away.

As the legal assistant got down on the floor with Ellie, I got tears in my eyes (no one who knows me would be surprised by this) when I saw the amount of love for my little girl in the room.

Next thing I know, SH, the lawyer, in heels and a pencil skirt nonetheless, was down on the floor with the two of them doing a crab walk.  Ellie did the crab walk too and then a back bend and asked if SH could follow suit.  She tried.  I cried.  It was settling down in the office just as things were heating up.

Then it was time to dig in.
The reason we were there.
Court is quickly approaching and as we get ready, SH wanted to check to see if Ellie felt the same as she had previously about DP.

As SH continued to refer to him as "her dad", Ellie, not correcting her, but simply referring to him as DP. She refuses to call him her dad.

"Ellie, I need to know how you are feeling about things right now.  Do you have any interest in a relationship with your dad."

"I never want to see DP again.  I don't want to talk about him, I don't want to know he is alive.  I never want him near me.  He hurt me and I don't want him to do it again."

Biting my lip so Ellie doesn't see the tears, I turned my head away slightly.

Ellie expressed fear about DP coming to get her. In our house, our neighborhood, her school.  It broke my heart.  I had no idea she was worried about that.  I knew she had been stressed about it in the past... but not currently.  It broke my heart.

Ellie and SH spoke about what we were expecting at our day in court and Ellie asked a few more questions.

Then, before we left, SH and Ellie tried to see who could make the best animal noises, talks of gingerbread houses were had and Christmas movies were talked about.

As I put her to bed last night, I could tell Ellie was very pensive.  I asked her what was going on in her head.  I'm worried what will happen next week, she said.

I am too, I thought.

Sadly, in the manual of raising a child, this is not handled.  I had no idea if I should share those feelings or put on a brave face.

"I am too." I said honestly.

I continued to tell her that I would not let anything happen.  Regardless of what the judge said next week. And the reality is that even if the judge does not say the case is over, which, God willing, WILL happen, we still have a very long trial ahead.  But, that is hard to remember. An end would mean so much to both of us.  It is what we both so desperately want and need.  The end would mean a beginning.

And Again

The next hearing was over the phone.  In Mid-April, I met my lawyer in her office.

On the phone was my Lawyer, Ellie's Lawyer, DP's Lawyer, the Judge and me.  Correct, no DP. Apparently he had other things that took precedence.   At this time, JR asked what the latest was.  DP's side had nothing to give.

They pleaded with the Judge for more time.

"Afterall," said JPB (DP's lawyer), "he hasn't seen his daughter in nearly 2 years."

The defense didn't make sense to me. None of this made sense to me. We were nearly 2 years out from DP sexually abusing Ellie (which DP continued to deny), we were nearly 8 years out from the court case starting in the first place.

Ellie's therapist she had been seeing since the sexual abuse, was willing, able and ready to testify, but we had not been heard. There had never been actual testimony given.

The Judge granted him 6 more months to come up with the money.

Gut... dropped.  Heart... broken.

At this point the Judge got off the phone while the lawyers stayed on.  At that time Ellie's lawyer asked if DP was going to soon start paying child support.  DP's lawyer had said that he was gainfully employed and that is how he would be able to come up with money to pay for the tests.

DP's lawyer actually laughed that question off.  "She doesn't need child care," he said. "Come on, there are more important things."

How I wish I hadn't heard that.
It saddened me what this case had come down to...

***********

This time for Ellie was possibly one of the worst I can remember. She was having trouble at school because her teacher was very adamant about all of the children making something for Father's Day.  It was a hard thing to get through.  I talked to the teacher a couple times (she was a long-term sub) and Ellie FINALLY got to make something for someone else in her family.  But, as the other children celebrated their father's Ellie wanted to hide.

She became horribly reclusive. We canceled many appointments and dates because she wanted to be at home.  I was okay with it as I only wanted what was best and frankly, easiest for her. We had weathered the storm before and I knew it would not last.  

In the summer Ellie was plain and simple ready to be done with the case. She woke nearly every morning asking if she could just talk to the Judge.  I couldn't imagine how she felt. She just wanted to be heard. For HER voice to matter.  After all, wasn't this about Ellie?

At least it should have been.

I called SH, her lawyer, and asked if it were possible.  Judge's don't like little kids to testify.  She would have had to do it in front of DP and people get a little worried about the long term affect on kids.  Who knows what he would have said, how he would have responded, etc.  It would have also been possible to have her back in chambers.  Ellie, my lawyer, her lawyer, DP's lawyer and the Judge.  But, in order to do this, DP would have had to agree to that.  And, he didn't.

SH suggested writing a letter to CS. CS currently had the case and was the one instructing DP to save money to get tested (psycho-sexual testing and cognitive behavioral testing).  She would make recommendations to the Judge as the Judge now felt like he couldn't (or didn't want to) rule on this case.

Ellie was ecstatic about the idea of the letter.  She wanted to be heard, and if this was the way, then so be it.

She quickly sat and penned a letter.  I told her how to spell Dr. Sabin's name and how to write the word "sincerely" and then I jumped in the shower.  I wanted everything to come from her.  None of my words, only Ellie's.

The product was gut-wrenching.

Ellie's heart and soul were on that page. She did not want to be associated with DP in the least.  She explained what had happened. She asked for the fight to be over.  She was direct and to the point, but made so many valid statements that I could not believe the power.

We had a meeting set up with SH and I took the letter.  With Ellie's permission, we showed it to SH.

As she read, tears filled her eyes.

She explained that perhaps we could go to court with this.  It was her idea.  Why not try to get Ellie what Ellie wants.  Had we been fighting incorrectly all along? Had the focus been on what was good for me or good for DP and not for Ellie?

Now my head was muddled and I thought perhaps we had gone about this all incorrectly. After all, this was about the sweet 8 year old whose life had been so poorly affected.

As I thought more though, I realized I was fighting for the same thing she was.

SH sent the letter to CS.
CS's reply was that Ellie needed to be heard. She said there was no way Ellie would be ready to see DP in the near future, if ever.

SH soon got back to me and after much thought we couldn't go to court.  It was my motion to keep DP away from her.  If SH took this to court, it would be Ellie fighting me.  That would mean that I, personally, would have to take down my court case (the one that said her dad would have no further rights to her) and Ellie's case (that Ellie wished to no longer see him) would go forward.

In the end, we decided it was not best. IF the Judge did not rule in Ellie's favor, she would be unprotected as we would have taken down my court case.  There was no way I was going to go for that.  So, we settled on continuing forward and WAITING.

Ellie's spirit and mood soon got better. She was thriving in the summer.  Happy and somewhat carefree.

************

October brought another day in court.

I had stopped myself from getting my hopes up ... there was not a ton of hope after battling this for so long.

This time, it was (again) suppose to be DP's last chance.  He should have been coming to court with the money paid and the testing done.

I wish I could say it surprised me when he came to court and had not done anything.
I wish I could say it surprised me when the Judge said we would give him more time.  2 months, to be exact.

It didn't.  At this point, it was par for the course.

It was more of the Judge and the legal system dragging this event out entirely too long.  It was more expense when really all of that money should be going to Ellie.  It was more heart-ache and uncertainty for a little girl who has already been through too much.

We laid the case out for the Judge and DP's lawyer piped in that he had saved some money. He claimed to have $2100 at this point, quite frankly, a number, I believe, he pulled out of his ass.  The Judge immediately said he had 2 more months to get it together.

My lawyer and Ellie's lawyer both vehemently objected.  The Judge said NEXT time would be the last time... Oh, how I wish I could cling to those words.

But then, something happened that was a first.

The Judge said to DP that he (DP) needed to do some serious thinking.  He continued that this case was going to go one of two ways.  Either DP would spend the money, do the tests and fail and not be able to see Ellie again because of that.  OR, he would do the tests, pass and still be stuck because Ellie had no interest in seeing him.  He said that at this point, maybe it was best that DP walk away.  The Judge said (FINALLY) perhaps it was best for Ellie to be done with this.  (so, let's be done!)

He continued to explain that the money could just be a HUGE waste- either way it wasn't looking good. And, if he did pass the tests, we had a case to go through, which would be further expense... (picture me dying inside).

He then paused and asked DP what he thought.

"That is tough," DP said, brightly (sorry!).

"It is just that ..." DP tried to continue.
"I am not interested in hearing testimony," the Judge cut him off.

Pause.

"I'll have to consult my lawyer." DP said.

"Fine.  If you make a decision to walk, please let everyone know so we can cancel this next date and save everyone time." said the Judge.

And that was that.  Case, for the moment, was closed again.

And so, we wait... as we have for well over 2 years since the sexual abuse happened. And for nearly 8 years since the case was opened.  We wait to see what is next.

My lawyer feels very good about what she heard at the end. She feels that it was JR saying how he would rule if, in fact, this ever went to trial.

I refuse to have much hope.  I have been down the road of hope before and it always ends with a punch in the gut.

That being said, Ellie and I are living our lives outside of the shadow of this horrible event. We are choosing to live rather than to fear.  It is a good thing.

But having an end in December would be the best of all.

The New Year

* This occurred January 2012

When the Judge continued to put off a decision, it was disheartening.  Many people said, "how great to not have to deal with it for another X months..."

Fill in the blank for the "X"... while we had been through the process it had been 1, it had been 6, it currently was 4.

If only it were that easy.

Sure, we didn't have another court case, we didn't have to see the Judge, I didn't have to take out my "lawyer suit." But on other hand, we didn't get a court case, we didn't get to see the Judge and I didn't get to take out my "lawyer suit."

It was hard to not be heard.  It was gut-wrenching to continue waiting.  Exhausting.  The thought of things continuing was always on our heads.  Even though we didn't speak of it directly.

Waiting.

We would go back on April 18th.

The Year Ends and Things Start Happening

* The following events occurred December 2011.

It was time to go back to court. Mid-December and our side hadn't heard anything.  I wasn't going to be caught off guard, however, if DP had come up with the other $400 he needed.  I was ready.  His side liked to sneak things in last minute.  It wouldn't be the end anyway.  We would just head to see Dr CS.

Sure enough, the day of court was nothing else than the lawyers talking to the Judge. (a time and money suck) DP had come up with the money.  I was somewhat excited.  My feeling was, let's have someone else listen to how crazy this whole thing was and get things moving.

Dr. CS wanted to meet with DP first, then me, and then Ellie. Ellie was excited.  She wanted to be heard and felt this was a step forward.

My meeting was one week after DP's.  She didn't tell me how his went.  I walked in with my folder of things that had occurred, now about 2 inches thick.  I knew everything like the back of my hand. Where to find documents, what the key dates were, etc.  I had lived this. I was not worried.

The interview was scattered, in my opinion.  I had been drilled and questioned before, but Dr CS had no rhyme or reason to go from one topic to another to another and back.  My head was spinning a bit trying to figure out where she was going.

When I got a minute to think about things after, I believe she did this purposefully.  To see if I was making things up, to see if I would get tripped up on statements made and then double back on things.  It was brilliant, when you think about it.

I got a call a couple days later.  My lawyer.

Ellie's appointment was going to be canceled.  She didn't need to meet with Dr. CS.

DP's one-hour with her had been enough for her.  She wanted him to have some testing done.  This would consist of two things... Psychosexual testing and a Cognitive Assessment.

She said that there was no point in having Ellie go through any more until we got the results back.

The tests cost a total of $2500.  He would have to pay.

And, again, we were at a standstill until he did.

Another Chance

* Boy, it has been a long time since I last updated.  I think I needed a break from what is our reality.
Just as a reminder, this is occurring in the past.  November 2012.

**********

We had our power team ready and I was in my power Lawyer suit. All systems were go.  

Unfortunately, the Judge saw it differently.  

It was another day where the Judge didn't even hear testimony.

The Judge took my Lawyer, Ellie's Lawyer and DP's Lawyer in the back room. The update was simple.  DP was suppose to have come up with the half the money needed to start talks with CS, the behavioral psychologist, to whom the Judge was turning the case over .  I had already paid my half and this was the deadline for DP to pay his.  The reality was he did not have the money (or was choosing to use his money for other things).  He had, the day before, oddly enough, paid $100.  1/5 of what he needed to pay.  The lawyer suggested that DP was doing all he could and that he needed more time.

Now, I don't get several things about this case.  No money has come to me for child support.  I was also raising a child. I was paying for Ellie's medical bills, which were astounding by this point and our legal bills (picture bills from 2 lawyers), and her therapy bills.  Yet, when the fee to go forward was due... I paid it.  Why? Because it was the law.  It was what everyone said I had to do.  It was what I needed to do to say out of contempt.

However, DP doesn't do it.  Asks for an extension and ... gets it.

The Judge, the honorable JR, said that we would give him one more month to come up with the money, on that day in November.

I was frankly beside myself. It was incomprehensible to me.

How many chances does this "man" (a word I am using here very loosely) get?

As much as my Lawyer and Ellie's Lawyer argued, it didn't matter.  Mid-December we would be coming back.

**********

In the meantime, things got harder on Ellie.  

As much as I tired not to talk about the case or let my emotions show, Ellie wanted to know what was going on.  And, I felt that I had to keep her in the loop as much as was right.  Now, that point may be argued here and there, but it was our relationship and I told her as much as I felt she needed to know, with the expert advice of her therapist, JR. 

She wanted it over.  She started to struggle.  She wanted this chapter of her life to be closed and frankly, she wanted to be heard.  She felt that no one was listening to what SHE wanted and that was extremely hard for her.  She asked, almost daily to talk to the Judge.  No one thought that was a good idea. The trauma she would go through would be unbearable.  

Nightly, numerous times a night, terrors started happening.  Ellie became someone I didn't recognize while she slept.  It was not easy.  

She withdrew.  She went through a period - pretty long - where all she wanted was to be home, with me.  I believed she needed to do it, I didn't want to make her do things that caused more angst.  She had been through enough. I always gave her options, but she generally opted to be a homebody; and I felt she needed that at that time.  

School and home were her sanctuary.  I am not sure I encouraged it, but I didn't try to push her outside her feelings of safety, either.  Not given a handbook on these things, it is just how I decided to play it.  

There were times when she talked about going back to the hospital. Those were the darkest, toughest times. She knew she had a safe sanctuary there.  We spent many hours talking to JR about that.  Hearing the despair and the hurt in her was (and, let's face it... still is) the hardest thing of all.  

This needed to be over.  For Ellie's sake. 

Our Case Gets Handed Off

As a reminder, this occurred in the past - we are now to May 2011.


We were set.  As a team, we knew what was going to be asked and what everyone was going to say.  I was certain all would be taken care of today.  With the addition of SH, Ellie's lawyer, we were now meeting before the court time.  I was thrilled.  I enjoyed the pre-court talks.  SH, JR (Ellie's therapist) and I met at 9 at Starbucks.  DH, my lawyer met us at 9:30 just as we were getting ready to enter the courtroom.  The talks were basically a reality check.  I was told time and again that it really didn't matter what we were going to say, odds are that the Judge already has made his decision.  How horrifying.

So, all the work didn't matter.

Forget about the work... let's talk about the reality not mattering.

I felt like I was on an uphill climb with this Judge.  If he already has his mind made up, where would we get?

The day was expensive as well.  I was paying for 2 lawyers - mine and Ellie's, as well as her therapist to be there.  By this time, I could have bought a small island.  Each time we went to court with both lawyers the bills were outrageous.

If it worked and all came out best for Ellie, the money didn't matter, but the more we were spinning our wheels, the more frustrating it became.

********

Dressed in my "lawyer" suit, I walked in with my super-team.  We had met the Detective and the DHS worker at the courtroom.  We were immediately asked to leave.  The Judge wanted to see my lawyer, DR, Ellie's lawyer, SH, and DP's lawyer, JPB, in chambers.  So, there I sat, DP and his gang, his ex-girlfriend, her husband, her mom and sister, in the corner of my eye.  I sat with Ellie's therapist and she tried to get my mind off of what was happening.  I didn't feel good about it.  Why did he want to see everyone in chambers? 

Several minutes passed and I saw DR and SH approach me.  DR explained that the Judge did not want to hear anything today.  

I stopped listening and tears filled my eyes.  This circus was never going to end.  It had now been going on nearly a year (and that is just from the sexual abuse... in reality we had been in and out of court for 7 years!).  

DR explained that the Judge was did not want to make any decisions in this case anymore.  He felt as if he had messed up already and was going to pass it on to someone else.  Her name was CS.  She is a behavioral psychologist and would take the case from her.  I had heard about her when things started getting bad with Ellie.  We almost went and saw her, but opted for Ellie's current therapist instead because of cost and wait.  The plan was the she would interview me, DP and Ellie (each separately) and from that either suggest/require additional therapy or make a decision.  We would go back in November and tell the Judge what we had found.  

The cost of her services would be split.  And she wouldn't start until she had $500 from each of us.  That got us about 3 hours.  One for DP, one for Ellie and one for me.  

*******

Up til this point I had received only $80 for Child Support.  That was all.  All of these years.  He had worked under the table at several places and told his lawyer that he was working, but no money ever came to me.  He was (is) also responsible for 1/2 of Ellie's medical bills, which, by this time had really added up.  I didn't necessarily want his money, but it is just another example of how messed up our system is.  How could he afford an attorney and yet not pay child support to his daughter?  Not help pay medical bills for her? All of it was nearly too much to take.  

*******

The court document didn't get signed by JR until mid-July and then JPB didn't actually turn the paper over to CS until mid-August.  So, we got a couple of months of doing nothing, which we both appreciated.  When I heard that CS had the document, I paid my $500 and waited. 

*******

Ellie was settling into 2nd grade fairly well.  But, the school year was not without incident.  On the first day of school, the counselor asked if I had updated paperwork.  I needed to provide the correct documents that kept Ellie safe at school should DP try to skirt the system and see her there. The documents said he wasn't allowed on school grounds or to see/take Ellie.  I was thankful they were in place. 

Of course the need for up-to-date paperwork freaked me out.  The reality was that the paperwork they had said he was not allowed "until further notice." Their feelings were that that was vague and they needed more. I didn't have more.  Nor did the court provide more. That was what stood.  Of course I had to get SH, Ellie's attorney involved.  But, once they spoke, things were fine. 

Otherwise, Ellie continued to thrive in school. She was great at home too.  Though she had her ups and downs. Mostly she just wanted things to have an ending.  Though we weren't doing much with the law, the thought of all going on with DP was never far from either of our minds.  

Ellie had problems going down certain streets because they reminded her of DP.  She would be in the back shielding her face from everything and I would remember that I had crossed a line.  It was sad. 

She was invited to a friend’s birthday party and it happened to be at a bowling alley that she and DP had been to before, we must have sat in the car for 40 minutes before she got brave enough to go inside.  She just couldn’t beat those demons.  How could I ever blame her?

To see that pain, that deep seeded pain, was tragic.  It ripped my heart out every single time.  She was so stoic.  So much bravery in that tiny body.  I was beyond impressed with her every day.

**********

November 16^th: Court date.

I put on my “lawyer suit.” 

Ellie’s therapist, her lawyer and my lawyer were on my team.  We, again, were ready.

I had paid my half or the money.  DP had not.  I was certain this would be it.  I was certain he would be in contempt of court.  Perry Mason, one hour, in and out and done.

Again, the system floored me. 

Life Returns to Our Normal

I was so worried when Ellie came home that she would not bounce back and be the Ellie I knew before. She was thrilled to be home.  She wanted to touch everything, play with all her toys and was so excited to be able to sleep in her own bed.

Bell was equally happy. Finally coming downstairs, our dog was now back to normal.

Ellie had missed a full week of school.  Her classmates had sent her some notes in the hospital and her teacher sent a sweet note with her homework that had each student signing something for Ellie.  We went through it the weekend after she got home.  She had a lot of homework to do to get caught up.

Ellie was clingy, but seemed okay.  She talked often about what her stay was like in the hospital, but never brought up the visits - or I should say possibility of visits - with DP.  I didn't want to bring it up either.

That first couple of days she was home was a birthday party at our neighbors.  We had, of course, planned to go before she ended up in the hospital.  I didn't know if she would want to go with the circumstances that had happened.  When Sunday came and I threw the idea out, she asked if I would stay, and I was planning on it, and she said that she wanted to go.  I was thrilled.

I was antsy to get life back to normal, but didn't want to push things.  She was again, a bit clingy, but did really well with all the kids.  I watched with tears in my eyes so happy that my girl was back.  Whenever she smiled, I got teary... she was going to be okay.

When Monday rolled around, I wondered how she would do at school.  We rehearsed what she would say if kids asked where she has been all week. She didn't want to tell them why she was in the hospital just yet.  The anxiety that I felt was unwarranted.  She did great.

The next few weeks Ellie snapped back into being her old self.  She found her joy again and I was ecstatic.  The things she learned in the hospital followed us and she continued to amaze me every day.

She continued to go to therapy weekly.


The second week of April brought the news that DP had hired an attorney, JPB.  He was a new attorney, just out of school.

He was not the only new attorney in our lives.  April also brought SH to our lives. She was Ellie's new lawyer.  We got to meet her face to face for the first time at our house.  She came over to meet Ellie on Ellie's turf.  It was pretty amazing.  It was as if she had been a part of our lives forever.  Ellie had no fear in meeting her and let her story unfold right in front of SH.  I was touched by how great they got along.  I let the two of them be alone.  Sure enough, Ellie touched her as well.


The amazing part of this whole process is that Ellie had often been forgotten in the courtroom.  I feel like the Judge often ruled for what he thought might be best for DP.  Occasionally lately, maybe what might be best for me.  And, he often guessed what would be best for Ellie,. Even saying things like, "I am sure if Ellie were here she would say,... " Never was he right.  I felt like I was the one who knew her the most, and knew what she would say if she were there.  JR was always very far off.

The odd thing is that no one asked her.  When asked, she would gladly tell you.  Perhaps even to the point of it making it somewhat awkward.  I didn't mind.  I thought she was better of talking than me telling her to keep quiet.  She wanted nothing to do with DP.  She wished he would go to jail.  She wanted him to know how badly he hurt her and she never wanted to see him again.  Shouldn't we constantly be doing what was best for Ellie? 


That was SH's role.  


As for DP's new lawyer, he was a tool.  He spoke about Ellie, referring to her as "the girl.".  I was ashamed FOR him. 


We would end up going back to court in May.  Just a month and a half after Ellie had been released from the hospital.  


My side would be ready. We had the lady from DHS, the detective who was on our case, Ellie's therapist, Ellie's attorney, and myself ready to testify.   

Ellie Gets Released

 Bell, our dog was missing Ellie too. She did not come downstairs (where are bedrooms are) once that week.  It was the saddest thing I have seen from Bell. She sat, waiting, by our big windows for her Ellie to return.  

Thursday morning meant court.  I would have to face him again.  I had to catch a flight at 12:30 to go to Spokane for work.  That meant missing lunch and dinner with Ellie.  My mom would pitch hit.  I was rushed, but if court meant missing my flight, so be it.

We had Ellie's therapist and me ready to testify. I still was weepy, but ready to be stoic when I needed.  

We rose, as JR came in.  

He, without hearing a word from anyone, said that he was giving me/us 6 months of not seeing DP.  At that time, we would come back and resume.  He apologized again about what had happened and said that he had made a mistake.  The first time I felt things were not one-sided AND not in my favor.  

I didn't have time to chit-chat with my lawyer, nor did I particularly want to - and I knew if I hurried to the airport, I could stop on the way and see Ellie.  I asked her therapist if it was okay (I would be breaking the rules of visiting) and she said, absolutely, it is what Ellie needed.  

I raced to the hospital, got to the locked door and was let in to see Ellie. She came down the hall (not knowing about court) and asked why I was there.  I told her I had some good news.  We went to her room and I told her about that morning.  As soon as the last word left my mouth, Ellie said, the words I had been aching to hear, "I want to come home.  When can I?" 

ahhhhh... music to my ears.  My girl wants to come home.  I was so happy.  

I didn't know if she was ready, though. 

I told her that I would find out and let her know.  I explained I had to run and I would not see her later, but I would call.  

On the way out, I called Dr J, her therapist and asked if she could come home.  She would get back to me. 

*******

Friday morning about 10, a call from the hospital.  "Do you want to come and get Ellie?" 

The drive to the hospital had never been so long.  I was going to get Ellie.  What I thought originally would be 2 nights had turned into 7.  And, what I feared was that she would never be the same.  I worried that the spark was gone forever.  I worried that this whole experience had changed her.  I was terrified, but so excited to have her well enough to come home.  

She was packed and ready to go when I arrived.   We shared the biggest hug possible when we met.  (we always say, I'm going to hug you until you pop... I definitely popped!).  

I had Bell waiting in the car.  It was as if Christmas had arrived for both of them.  So much love in the car! 

*******

As I look back on the time in the hospital, I cannot say how good it was for Ellie.  It saved her.  It also made her a better person.  I was worried that she would not snap back, but she did. And she knows so many more coping skills.  

The doctors and nurses there were amazing.  The art therapy and music therapy she did matured her enough to handle this situation.  She learned something she still uses today: Keep your hands and feet to yourself, Listen to the person who is talking, Be respectful.  Those 3 things were the 3 mantras of the hospital.  Simple enough for every patient to understand and yet so powerful that she has uses those even years later.  I am thankful to my core for those who helped save Ellie. 

Court: Twice in One Week

Visits with Ellie went well on Sunday.  She, again, was okay.  She had figured out which of the boys “played nicely” and which didn’t.  She was now allowed to shut her room door, which occurred after being there a couple days.  We had only planned on her staying a couple nights, so I had to bring extra clothes with me.  No one was talking about her getting out just yet.

I knew as soon as Monday hit I would be knee deep in legal bullshit.  I was not looking forward to it. 

After nearly 7 years in the game, I was right. 

The day started with my lawyer calling to check in on Ellie.  Further she had sent an email that was intended to “patch things up” after my explosion with DP and L on Sunday and that was fine with me.  Third, she told me that DP was putting up a fight about Ellie getting her own lawyer.  And we had to be in court Tuesday. 

Tell me which show this happens on.  Is this the longer version of Law and Order that I never did see? Was there a Perry Mason summer that I missed because I remember watching every episode in the summers with my dad.  You are going to deny your daughter a lawyer?  My lawyer had never heard of anyone have to appear in court for this.  But, well, welcome to my court case.

From what I understand of the law in Oregon, and perhaps it is so elsewhere as well, if a child requests a lawyer, they get one.  Period.  End of story. 

So why would we be appearing? And why now?

Alas…

I tried to function best I could, working in the hours I wasn’t with her and visiting when I was allowed.  She missed Bell, missed me, but never once asked about coming home.  It broke my heart.  But, now, I know she was where she needed to be. 

The nurses and doctors there were so fantastic.  I adored each and every one of them and they adored my daughter.  I got compliments on her behavior each time I went.   I also got so much insight into what was going on in her head.  The days there were so good for her.

It was one of the hardest, if not the hardest times in my life. 

I remember feeling so lost.  So heavy.  So sad. 

It was hard because the question was constantly asked, “why” did the judge make these ridiculous decisions leading up to Ellie being where she was.  I, of course, had asked those same questions time and again.  But things shifted in my mind.  It no longer became about asking why.   The reality was we were here.  And we would never know why.  We needed to face the reality and try to move on.  It was a huge mental shift for me. 

It also became a reason I couldn’t talk to really anyone.  I didn’t want to hear the question of “why.” I had no answer.  I just knew Ellie was in a very bad place emotionally.  One that I never saw for my daughter.  And, now was the time to figure out what the next step was.

I had to contact the school and let them know Ellie would be out for a bit.  It was the little things that proved the hardest this week. 

Tuesday morning was time for a court appearance, while my daughter was still in the hospital, and a time to go face to face with the two men, I believe put her there.  DP and the judge.  The question before us was did Ellie deserve to have her own lawyer.  By all accounts there was nothing saying she shouldn’t.  It should be a pretty straight forward court visit.  Just, as the others, costly.

My stomach turned as I was back in the place I hated so much.  I saw DP and his posse – L, JH, her husband SH and now JH’s sister, KH. 

The “honorable Judge R” came out and we were seated.  He quickly started things by saying he had heard about the current state of things and he was sorry to hear about how things were.  He did not make eye-contact.  But, he did apologize.  DP joined in when there was a voice of “thank you, your honor.” From my lawyer and I.  Ever confusing.

Judge R said that the question at hand was whether Ellie could have her own lawyer or not and that in the state of Oregon it was the law that Children simply needed to state their desires to have one.  He then held up Ellie’s written document asking for one. 

He asked if DP had any questions.  He didn’t.  And that was all. 

Really?

We needed to appear in court for that? Does anyone have any sense of how much this is costing me?

On with the day, I went to see Ellie and told her the good news. 

The calls I had missed while in court, included a couple from Ellie's school telling me that she had not shown up for school and asking did I know she was absent.  Was I really going to have to call every morning and tell them that she still was in the hospital? 

I heard from my lawyer later in the day.  We would be going back to court Thursday to get an immediate danger filed to stop visitation that was previously ordered because of Ellie’s delicate health.  This week could prove to be very long.  We would have her doctor there ready to testify.  I would testify and we would hope that the Judge would grant it.

I was certain that by then Ellie would be home.

How wrong I was.  

The Hospital

** As a reminder, this occurred last year. March 2011. 

The doors closed and my eyes filled with tears.  And then it was all over.  I was a puddle. 

My mom and I embraced and cried.  For, I have no idea how long.  We were outside the locked door on the floor that kept Ellie safe. 

We decided to meet at my house.  I had no desire to talk to anyone.  I wanted to crawl under the covers of my bed and stay there until I could have my daughter back.  This was not what our lives were suppose to be like.

I knew I had to let some people know.  I had several messages.  I hadn’t realized how long we had been in the hospital – but it had been several hours. 

I sent a pretty blanket email to several a group of friends and then called my lawyer.  I knew she had to know.  She wasn’t available, so I called her assistant.  Immediately, I broke into tears retelling the events of the past few days. 

“So, Ellie is in the psychiatric ward?” he asked again, trying to wrap his head around it.

“Yes.” I confirmed.

He said he would have DR call me, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone.  He said he was sorry and we hung up.  The rest of the drive home is a blur.  Once there, my mom insisted I take a shower and then lay down.  My phone was ringing off the hook as news spread among my friends, but again, I was not interested in talking. What was there to say?

I wanted to pick up a few things for Ellie now that I knew a little better what she was facing and so we made a trip to Walgreens before we headed back to see her.  We had really just left.  But, the only visiting times were lunch and dinner so, we were heading back.  I wondered what she would look like and how her day had been.  She was the youngest there at the moment. She was also the only female.  Knowing my Ellie, she was holding her own. 

The routine was you went to a special elevator, went to a special floor which contained 2 locked doors.  One was for the older kids, one the younger.  Each had a phone.   You picked it up and automatically someone at the desk answered.  You identified yourself and if you were on the list of approved visitors, you were let in.  Each time, it was gut-wrenching. Each time, I was reminded that DP was not allowed.  I was reminded at the peace of mind that gave Ellie. 

The first night, I thought would be the hardest.  Afterall, the only time she had been away was with family and once or twice at friends.  This was HUGE.  They talked to me about possibly putting her on some medication to help her sleep.  I had fought medication all this time.  Her therapist had mentioned it before, but I wanted to try not to use it, if at all possible.  And yet, here we were. 

Ellie had had an okay afternoon.  She was okay.  I can’t say she was much better.  She reminded us several times that DP was not allowed on the floor.  That was the saving grace right now.  If that is what was holding her together, then I was all for it.  I would use that too.  We put some things around her room to make it a little brighter.   And watched her eat dinner.  She was happy she was able to order anything she wanted; that was pretty cool.  She introduced us to the boys, in so much as just telling us about them.  They had been nice to her and welcomed her.  There was a nurse she especially loved and who I believed had taken a special liking to Ellie as well.  She felt okay about spending the night. 

I was introduced to a watchman, of sorts, who told me he would be outside Ellie’s room and make sure she was okay and I could call him every hour if I needed to.  I told him to be ready. 

The visiting hour was up too quickly.  I hid a special chocolate bunny for Ellie to find after we left and we hugged and kissed her good night.  She was locked safely behind us. 

My parents left soon after we got home. 

Then it was just me.  I should say, me and Bell. 

It had been awhile since I hadn’t had Ellie around and the house was quiet.  Too quiet.

I called to check on her and she was taking a bath. 

That night I believe I called 3 times.  She was fast asleep each time.  They had given her something to help her sleep. Just some Melatonin at this point.  I think she would have slept, regardless.  It was probably the first time in a long time she truly felt safe.  Like the man who had hurt her so badly could not get her.  She was protected by a locked door and security.  This is where she needed to be.

The following day, Saturday, after no sleep, I was so anxious to see her.  My mom came up to meet her for lunch and we headed over.  She was happy to see us.  She was excited about the small things – once again that she could order pretty much anything, that she had found the chocolate rabbit.  And the big things – DP could not get her.  We checked out the itinerary for the day.  And she seemed okay with everything.  They had art therapy, music therapy, small groups, one-on-ones.  Her therapist happened to be the doctor on call that weekend and she came as well to meet us and talk to me about medication.  At this point, it might be prudent to put Ellie on a low dose anti-depressant.  After talks with a nurse yesterday, she was diagnosed with Suicidal Ideation and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  As much as I was against it initially, I caved.

After visiting with her, my mom headed home. 

I tried to get on with something in my days, but had nothing.  I wanted to curl up and watch the clock until it was time to see her for dinner.  I checked in with my lawyer.  She had sent an email to DP saying that visitation was off (it was suppose to start Sunday) and gave him the reason.  She said that Ellie was in a hospital and had suicidal ideations and needed to be there.  She further asked that he not try to see her and even if he did, he would be turned away.  Monday we would have more information on the legal side. 

I felt good about that.

I decided I needed to get some things for Ellie so I told my close neighbors about what had happened.  Ever lovely and supportive, they listened and let me cry.  They made lovely cards for her so I could take them to her.  It started what would be great colorful things keepsakes for Ellie to enjoy at the hospital and look back on after.

I started to think about my week ahead.  I wanted to be at every single lunch and dinner.  I didn’t want to miss any of them.  This happened to coincide with one of the busiest weeks of work.  I had been scheduled to be out of town two days and didn’t know how to handle it. I also wanted to, of course, be there when she got out and home probably several days after.  By my mom’s advice, I held off on anything because at that point, we didn’t know how long she would be there.  I could make it to most days, missing one lunch and still get to where I needed to be. 

********

Sunday, early, there was a knock on the door. 

It was L and DP.  They were there to get Ellie for the visit.  I had not slept in several days now and I could not believe who was at my door.  This was the last thing I wanted/needed to face.  I don’t remember the last time I had a conversation with DP.  I can’t remember the last time we were face to face. 

I opened the door and L said, “we are here to get Ellie.”

“DP, haven’t you read your email?” I asked, ignoring L.

“Um… have I?” he turned to L.

What the fuck? That was just weird.  Did he just ask her if he checked his email?

“Why?” L asked.

“Is he not capable of having a conversation on his own?” I asked L, now raising my voice.

DP just stood there.  As if he literally weren’t .  Really. 

I wasn’t sure what to make of what I was watching, but I was in no mood. 

“Ellie is in the hospital.  She is not here. Check your email. You have one from Friday.”

“Why is she in the hospital? Which one?” L asked

What the fuck was going on?

“I am not telling you which one.  Neither of you.  She is in there because she is suicidal.”

“She is too young to be suicidal.” L said, obviously having studied child psychology sometime in her past. Who the hell was she telling me this bullshit on my front step?

I became irate.  I was done with this conversation.

“Well, she is not too young. And I am done with this. It is all in the email.  DO NOT try to find her.” I put way too much emphasize on the last part and slammed the door.

I called my lawyer, relayed the story and she said she would need to fix it. She understood, though.  I had apparently stepped over a line.  I should have not yelled, nor should I have told him the last part.  He should have known it from the previous paperwork.  At that point, I didn’t care.  I could have and wanted to say so many other things.  Truth is, she was in there because of him.  I could have and wanted to say that.  I wanted to have him understand that.  But, truth is, he either wasn’t capable or didn’t care. 

Checking Into the Hospital

**as a reminder this occurred in the past. March 2011.

After the decision was made that Ellie would go to the hospital it was a matter of seconds that we were packing.  Her therapist thought she would be there for 2 nights and so we packed accordingly.  As Ellie got her bag ready, I picked up the phone to call my mom and dad.  I knew they were at the beach, but wanted to let them know.

Truth is, I have never wanted them to answer the phone more than at that moment.  The phone rang and rang and rang and finally after the 3rd ring, my mom, nearly out of breath, picked up with a cheerful, "hello?".

I, as calmly as I could, told her what was about to happen.
"I'm taking Ellie to the hospital." And then came the words I never thought I would have to say, "she is being checked in for suicidal ideation."

My mom, silent for a moment, said, "we are on our way."

I knew they were a good 2 hours from the hospital and said, no.  I was certain we would be done with the check in process by the time we got there and there was no reason to ruin their Spring Break to come for nothing.  But, she insisted and I was secretly thankful.

Ellie had finished packing.  A couple days worth of clothes, we put in some pictures of me and a few of Bell. She decided to take her pillow-pet and we were off.

The entire thing, from decision to getting in the car took maybe 10 minutes.  We didn't rush, but instead moved with a pace that was determined.  Ellie, and all of her 6 years, was calm and focused.  The most focused she had been all week.  She understood that she would be spending the night, and while that scared the shit out of me, she seemed just fine with it.

As we drove over we spoke a little about how she was feeling.  She asked questions about what to expect and I answered as best I could with the very limited knowledge I had.  She told me she thought she needed to be there.  I told her I thought that was brave and that the most important thing right now was getting better.  Fingers in her mouth, she rested the remainder of the drive.

We were met in the lobby by two ladies who knew we were coming.  One was a teenager, and I believe a volunteer who chatted with Ellie to keep her occupied.  My heart was literally beating a mile a minute and it was all I could do to match Ellie's brave face.

When we finally made it up the secret elevator to the special floor and through the locked doors, my heart stopped.  Was this really happening? Was I really putting my daughter into a psychiatric ward? Everything seemed so wrong and I felt horrible pangs of sadness.  How could this be her life? This little girl so full of joy was now at the bottom and it was all so wrong.

And then it got worse.  We were shown Ellie's room.  Pure white.  Stark white.  Nothing but white.  White walls, white linens on a small bed in the middle of a small room.  Nothing on the walls.  One small desk.  White drapes for the windows.  She had her own bathroom, which contained nothing.  The mirror, fake.  A toilet, a sink.  No color.

I thought Ellie would break at this point.  But she didn't.

She and the volunteer would check her stuff in while I did some administration things to get her checked in.  I was terrified to leave her side, but, again, Ellie bravely showed me that she was okay and walked off.

Once I got behind closed doors I broke down.  I mean, the flood gates let loose.  Was I doing the right thing? Was she going to be okay? Should she really be here? She is only 6 and why is this happening? The woman who was working with me was very calming and obviously used to this reaction.  She went through the things that should have made me feel better and I tried to listen as my mind was racing about how we got here and how dare DP fuck up our lives like this.

About mid-way through, Ellie's therapist came in.  I was happy to see her and she reported that she had come by to see Ellie and welcome her.  She tried to remind me that this is where Ellie needed to be.  And that all was going to be okay.  Through my tears, I had nothing to do, but try to believe her.

I was given some time to pull myself together and then come out and find Ellie.  She was in her room and happy because she got to order whatever she wanted for lunch - the other kids had already eaten and she needed to eat... so Mac-n-Cheese was on its way.

It was the first time we had a chance to be alone.

"What do you think?" I sheepishly asked.

"I like it" she said.

In my head I thought - what the hell do you like? Again, I was blown away by this little person who was so amazingly strong.

Her food arrived and with it a few items that would have to be returned home.  We had brought tennis shoes, with laces and those were a no-no.  Pictures were okay - but not the frames, they contained glass.  As the items were returned to me, things became more and more real and the lump in my throat grew.  Laces and glass.  Of course.  This is bigger than I thought.  Surely Ellie wasn't at this point. But, were the other kids?

Again we were left alone.  As Ellie ate her Mac-n-Cheese.  I told her we needed to brighten her room up.  She agreed.  I asked how she felt about staying and she said she felt okay.  She said she had been told by Dr J that her dad was not allowed to come.  That the floor was locked and you had to check in and only certain people could come in.  He was on a list that was the police list.  She was actually shown that.

It all started to make sense to me now.  She felt safe.  For the first time in who knows how long, my little girl felt safe.

The woman who had spoken with me, peeked her head in and said that grandma and grandpa were here.  I couldn't believe they had found us. I wanted to warn them about the room and also about how badly Ellie looked so I ran out and caught them before they walked in.  I could tell my mom and maybe even my dad had been crying.  When my mom saw me, it started again.  I stopped them both and I said, before you come in, you need to know the whole room is white, it is sad and depressing and Ellie looks bad. But, she is probably in the best shape of all of us and I don't want that ruined.  So, compose yourselves before you walk in, because there can be no tears in front of her.

I went back in and Ellie was thrilled that she had gotten some ice cream.  She was digging into that as I was looking at the daily schedule and going over that with her.  Then my mom and dad came in.  She was happy to see them.  I watched as my mom held back tears and took deep breaths.  But, again, they followed Ellie's lead.  Ellie explained to them that her dad couldn't get on the floor and wanted to show them the list before we all left.  She felt a great deal of empowerment with this.  Bless her heart.

After she was finished eating we went over her schedule and took a little tour, met some of the kids, the nurses and it was time for her to join the group.  Which meant it was time for us to leave.  I wasn't ready.

She was so small, so young.  And had never been away from me at a non-relatives or very close friends and I was terrified.  I mean, I knew she would be safe, but I felt like this was such a hard place to leave her.  My heart was so sad.

My mom and dad said good-bye and left us alone.

I told her how proud I was and how much I loved her.  I said that she could call anytime, she just needed to ask.  And I said I would be back at dinner time.  And with that, the person who guards the door, let me out.

The Outcome of the Judge's Decision

** As a reminder, this is a blog looking back at things in the past.  This happened approximately March 22-26, 2010.**




Generally we have a pow-wow after each court case.  This time I couldn't get to the car fast enough.  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I know DR wanted to comfort me.  I know she wanted to let me know what was next.  I know she wanted to say it would be okay.  

I left the conversation from DR, L and me and I made a beeline to my car.  I didn't say good-bye.  I couldn't.  I was a mess.  I was in a place I hadn't been before.  

I was having trouble getting a breath in.  Not like the exercised induced asthma I had had as a child, but actually having something so heavy on my chest I couldn't breathe.  Or was it that I didn't want to breathe? 

Again, the huge surprise about the verdict and now facing telling Ellie and finally facing the fact that in a few short days Ellie would have to see DP and L was caving in on me. 

******

I drove to my good friend RW's house, knowing full well, I was in no shape to go home just yet.  We cried together, we went back through the day, we tried to come up with ideas of what to tell Ellie.  And then we started to make a list.  Actually two lists.  One if the meeting actually went through. And two if the meeting didn't.  

I could always count on RW to be rational  She was I guess the ying to my yang.  Slowed me down. Thought through things I never would have thought of.  I needed that especially right now.  

While I was there I got a call from my lawyer checking on me.  I didn't answer the first and I did answer the second.  I wept through the call.  I didn't cry, I WEPT. She said she was sorry and that she didn't see it coming.  She was just as surprised by me.  She stated that the next move was that Ellie get her own attorney.  She had 2 people in mind.  The only thing that Ellie needed to do was to write a letter to the Judge telling him that she wanted a lawyer.  

We had two pretty good lists.  

We rehearsed the talk with Ellie several times.  

Time after time, I fell apart.  I cried so many tears that day.  

At one point, I couldn't prolong it anymore.  And I had a huge ache to see my girl.  

******

My mom and dad were both there watching Ellie.  I had called my mom after and just cried into the phone that it went horribly and I would be home when I got myself together.  Ellie had asked my mom several times what had happened in court and my mom told her that I would tell her when I got home.  I called to let them know I was on my way.  The 5 minute drive from RW's house took about 20 minutes.  

As I drove up and in the garage, there was Ellie's sweet face ... waiting.  Jumping up and down, yelling, "did you win, mommy, did you win?".  I felt the tears and gulped as hard as I possibly could.  I ran to her and picked her up.  I said, "today was a hard day, sweetie. We need to talk about it."

I walked her upstairs to where my parents where and I could see my mom had tears in her eyes.  I shook my head at her as to say, "it isn't good." 

"Mommy didn't win." Ellie announced.  

"I didn't, Ellie" I said, "But, we are going to be just fine. We need to figure some things out and we will be fine."

"Do I have to see my dad?" She asked, big brown eyes, looking up at me. 

"Maybe." I said, "But I am going to do everything in my power to stop it."

"I'm not going," Ellie said. I could see the tears building in her eyes.  Her thin arms wrapped around my neck and squeezed as tight as they could.  I didn't mind that it hurt a little.  I could feel every ounce of love from them.  

I wanted Ellie to hear the news first so I took her to her bedroom and sat her on her bed.  I explained that Judge didn't allow me to speak or anyone else.  He kind of had his mind made up.  And because DP hadn't seen Ellie in such a long time, he thought it would be fair for DP to start seeing Ellie again.  At that, Ellie started panic.  She got down from the bed and paced. 

"NO." she said. 

"Let me finish, Ellie." I said.  I had her sit down and this time held her.  I explained that in cases like this there was someone called a supervisor and the Judge picked L to be their supervisor.  At this, Ellie nearly came unglued.  The questions were coming left and right and I just didn't have answers.  As her panicked state began to pick up quickly she also started to cry.  I asked if she could just hang in there until I was done with what happened so I could tell her my plan and then we could go tell Nana and Papa.  

She did and we did. 

My plan was not great.  It started with something easy, which was Ellie getting a lawyer.  This seemed pretty cool to Ellie and she was off once I told her that all she needed to do was to ask for one (oh, how this changes our lives... and our pocketbooks... but, most importantly our lives).  

My next plan was to go get Ellie a phone.  We were nearing the end of Tuesday and while I would work my tush off until the visitation was suppose to start to get it changed, I had to also plan for the worst and that was that the visits would go through.  One thing would be keeping her safe.  A phone, maybe a little camera somewhere on her body, yes... I am Jack Bauer and I don't eat or sleep in 24 hours, but I do a lot of other things.  Don't mess with my kid. 

My mom and dad stayed while I went to get her a phone.  And look for a spy store (I'm not playing around).  

******

I got a couple more things checked off the list on that day - a meeting with Ellie's therapist for the following day, a call with my lawyer, some research on the internet and it was day over.

 *****

Wednesday started with Ellie coming into my room in tears and saying, I'm not going with him. Please don't make me go.  I hadn't slept a wink and knew right away who and what she was talking about.  Of course if I didn't let her go, I was breaking the law.  

I had already had plans to have cameras set up because if Ellie put up a tremendous fuss I would call it off.  I was planning on making sure she didn't know about the cameras because I didn't want those to CAUSE her to act a certain way.  But, I also wanted everything caught on video.  I would never force her to go.  Never.  

I decided we would drive to Seattle that day to get her mind off things and hopefully have some fun.  Little did I know that my 6 year old would regress several years right before my eyes that day.  

The car right started off great.  Ellie was excited.  She had several stuffed animals with her - ahhh... what did I care, that was easy enough.  All who know Ellie know that things are rarely quiet when she is around.  But, it was quiet in the backseat.  

"What's going on back there?" I'd ask... 

"Nothing." came the baby-talk voice.  I'd take a peak and her fingers were in her mouth (never a thumb sucker, always 2-fingers, upside down).  

At first I tried to stop it and then I let it go, realizing what was happening but not to what degree.  

"Hey... Els... do you want to talk about it?" I'd say

"Yes," she would reply. 

"Okay."

"I'm not going, mom.  I am just not going." 

"Well, the law says you have to.  I know it isn't fair and I don't even understand it.  But, you will be protected.  I will make sure of that. I promise."

"I'm not going." 

"So what is going to happen when he comes to the door?"

"I will answer it and I will tell him that I hate him and that I never want to see him again and I will close the door on him. And then I will call 911 and have them arrest him because he should be in jail." 

and... I'm speechless... with tears in my eyes driving to Seattle.  

I take a deep breath and I say (not believing anything that is about to come out of my mouth) "You know we are going to be okay, either way, right?"

And she breaks down in tears.  

I don't blame her, I want to too.  

*******

After getting her calmed down on the side of the road, we are back on track to Seattle.  There are a couple of smiles here and there, but mostly, she is literally in a ball in her car seat, fingers  in her mouth, blanket (who is not allowed off her bed, in normal circumstances ... yes, i said who), in her lap, playing her DSI. 

This was my Ellie.  She even figured out a way to use the pen for her DSI so she didn't have to take her fingers out of her mouth.  

When we got to Seattle she decide she wanted to stay. She decided that Bell, our dog, would find us and Nana would send us our clothes.  She did not want to go home.   We rested in a hotel and headed back.  The weather was bad and Ellie was in no condition to do anything.  Ellie cried for much of the way back and then started wetting herself.  I knew we were declining quickly and that this was a serious situation.  She would apologize profusely, cry more and I just wanted to get home. 

Bell was there to greet us and that was a welcome treat.  Bell always brought Ellie some much needed happiness.  

As I finally got to get an up close look at her after our drive I noticed that she had huge chunks of hair missing.  I asked Ellie about it and she was very honest.  

"I've just been picking at my hair." she said.  

"Are you pulling it out?" I asked

"Yes." simple.  Came the reply

I went to car to see if I could find the damage - there sat a pile of Ellie's sweet curly, thick hair.  A good chunk.  I couldn't scold her.  I could sit her down and have a heart-to-heart. 

But, first had to wipe the tears and compose myself. 

**********

I got Ellie to bed early that night.  It was far too easy. She didn't want to do anything.  So, bed seemed like the obvious next step.  This wasn't my child.  My child giggled, she laughed, she sang crazy songs.  I was watching Ellie disappear before my very eyes. 

"Mom, what is the difference be Heaven and Hell?" Ellie asked as I lay down beside her to read a book.  

At that point right there, there was no question in my mind we were headed into uncharted territories for us.  

E and I have a very close relationship. We talk about everything.  We have been blessed with that, probably because it is just the two of us.  But, this was getting scary, because I knew what was on her mind.  

"Why do you want to know, Ellie?" I asked. 

"Just because," she tried to get by.

"Why? Ellie." 

"Well, because if I go to Heaven I won't have to see him, right?".  

"Look, Ellie, we are not going to have this conversation right now, okay.  

"But, Mommy, is it true?" 

"Ellie, there is no point in talking about it. You going to Heaven is a VERY long time away.  I will not talk about death with you today, tomorrow or in the near future.  I just won't.  Do you understand that?"

Ellie nodded.  

I kissed her goodnight and with eyes streaming out of my eyes, I left her room.  

*********

Thursday morning.  We were going to meet RW and her kids at the zoo.  Ellie was sleeping in and I didn't want to wake her.  Little did I know that when I went to check on her around 10 (!) she wasn't really sleeping at all... but just not wanting to get up.  What? This wasn't Ellie Emery.  

We talked a bit and of course it was the "countdown" that was bugging her.  Now, I am not going to lie - it was bugging me too.  I was doing everything I could legally to get it overturned.  I was writing DHS, the detective, I was doing anything I could have done to try to get it stopped.  I was also preparing for the worst.  Getting the people in place for the cameras, making sure she her clothes were marked clearly with my phone number, getting her phone ready for easy use.  

Ellie would not get out of bed.  She asked me more questions about Heaven and Hell.  She questions were ones that made me have goose bumps.

It hit me.  This is a bigger problem than I can handle.  She now had pulled her eyebrows out as well.  I coaxed her upstairs finally around 11:30 and sat her on the coach where she sat, finger in the mouth, a shell of a person, sobbing motion, but no sounds, and few tears; none were left.  

I called her therapist with a 911 page. She called back immediately and I brought her up to speed on Ellie's quick down fall.  She said she wasn't all that surprised and told me that there was one thing we could possibly do, but if I said yes, I had to do it.  At the Good Sam Hospital there is a small Psychiatric Ward for children - only 4 beds.  She could see if one was open.  If we said yes, we'd have to take it.  

I didn't want to say yes without asking Ellie.  And she respected that.  I asked if I could page her back. 

"Ellie, I was just talking to Dr J," I started, "and she and I both know that this is very hard right now.  I have an idea that I want to see what you think about it.  There is a hospital that helps litt"

"I want to go" 

Before I could get the words out of my mouth, Ellie knew that she needed to go.  She was in.  She knew she needed help and she was ready.  

We got one of four beds and I believe it saved Ellie's life.