Preparing

Yesterday we met with Ellie's lawyer.  I am hoping this was the last time.

I am forever amazed by two things -
- the depth for which her lawyer cares for her
- the gut-wrenching things that go through my daughter's head

Her lawyer, SH, has a new office. As we drove over, Ellie expressed her anxiety over the possibility of DP's lawyer, or DP himself, being there and/or listening to her talk to SH. She told me how she wished we were meeting at our house, which we had done a couple times in the past.

Selfishly, I had opted for an office visit, knowing it would be about 1/3 of the price when the bill came and I was kicking myself for that as we drove.  The comfort and ease of Ellie was certainly worth the pain of a higher bill.

SH had a therapy dog in her new office and I felt that perhaps Ellie would ease up. Ellie loves dogs. This one was a giant soft black poodle.  The meeting started with getting to know the dog and Ellie relaxing a bit. She was down on the floor petting the pup and talking about school this year, her new hairdo and life in general at the ripe age of 8.

I told SH about Ellie's concern and SH explained in words that Ellie could clearly understand that DP and his lawyer were no where around.  She tried to put Ellie at ease.  I could tell that she was still guarded, but was starting to feel better.

SH had her legal assistant come in.  She told us that her legal assistant had a daughter Ellie's age and they spoke about shared interests.

More layers of anxiety being stripped away.

As the legal assistant got down on the floor with Ellie, I got tears in my eyes (no one who knows me would be surprised by this) when I saw the amount of love for my little girl in the room.

Next thing I know, SH, the lawyer, in heels and a pencil skirt nonetheless, was down on the floor with the two of them doing a crab walk.  Ellie did the crab walk too and then a back bend and asked if SH could follow suit.  She tried.  I cried.  It was settling down in the office just as things were heating up.

Then it was time to dig in.
The reason we were there.
Court is quickly approaching and as we get ready, SH wanted to check to see if Ellie felt the same as she had previously about DP.

As SH continued to refer to him as "her dad", Ellie, not correcting her, but simply referring to him as DP. She refuses to call him her dad.

"Ellie, I need to know how you are feeling about things right now.  Do you have any interest in a relationship with your dad."

"I never want to see DP again.  I don't want to talk about him, I don't want to know he is alive.  I never want him near me.  He hurt me and I don't want him to do it again."

Biting my lip so Ellie doesn't see the tears, I turned my head away slightly.

Ellie expressed fear about DP coming to get her. In our house, our neighborhood, her school.  It broke my heart.  I had no idea she was worried about that.  I knew she had been stressed about it in the past... but not currently.  It broke my heart.

Ellie and SH spoke about what we were expecting at our day in court and Ellie asked a few more questions.

Then, before we left, SH and Ellie tried to see who could make the best animal noises, talks of gingerbread houses were had and Christmas movies were talked about.

As I put her to bed last night, I could tell Ellie was very pensive.  I asked her what was going on in her head.  I'm worried what will happen next week, she said.

I am too, I thought.

Sadly, in the manual of raising a child, this is not handled.  I had no idea if I should share those feelings or put on a brave face.

"I am too." I said honestly.

I continued to tell her that I would not let anything happen.  Regardless of what the judge said next week. And the reality is that even if the judge does not say the case is over, which, God willing, WILL happen, we still have a very long trial ahead.  But, that is hard to remember. An end would mean so much to both of us.  It is what we both so desperately want and need.  The end would mean a beginning.