Hawaii - an Ocean Between Us

As I am writing this I am actually in Hawaii.  I am in the exact place, the exact hotel Ellie and I stayed in the time after she told me.  What a strange feeling I have in the pit of my stomach.  So many feelings colliding at once.  So many wounds wanting to be healed. 

We stepped on the airplane Thursday morning, Ellie still clinging to me like a timid youngster clings to her mother.  I just kept thinking, get us on that plane and up in the air.  I wanted to be far away from that bastard.  I wanted an ocean between us.  Not just figuratively, but literally. 

As the plane lifted, tears filled my eyes as I knew we were safe.  I hadn’t slept since she had told me and the exhaustion instantly hit me.  Fighting to keep my eyes open would prove to be hard for the 5 ½ hours ahead.  But, one 6 year old would make sure it happened. 

Work was the last thing on my mind and I realized that I had done little to none of it since things had come to light.  Figuring out how to make things happen when we were in Paradise was going to be difficult.  The company was paying for me to go over and for the hotel, so some work would need to be accomplished and I had meetings set up.  The reality hit me though that Ellie had not been out of my sight since things had come out in the open.  Was I ready for that? Was she? I tried to brush those thoughts aside as I had planned the trip so that the first few days were in fact vacation and the last few days were work.  We would figure things out as they came up. 

We arrived, got settled and we both said almost at the same time “he can’t get us here.”  It was apparently being thought by her as well.  Now it was out in the open.  As we fell asleep, a certain peace fell over us.  There was no way he would know where we were.  Even if he knew we were in Hawaii… he couldn’t find us.  That was such a blessed feeling.  I wish I could explain it.  We often take the feeling of safety for granted.  No longer.  Not in our lives.  Things had always been a little shaky.  But, now it was at a whole new level.  Now that her secret was out, we would be living in fear to a degree that no one should have to.  Right there in the comfort of the hotel bed, there was a lack of fear and it felt so good. 

We awoke more than 12 hours later. 

Sleep was obviously needed and missed by both of us.  I couldn’t remember the last time I slept for 12 hours. 

Paradise was waiting.  Ellie wanted to go to the beach.  And away we went.  It was so great to see my carefree girl again. We didn’t have to look around corners, or survey a store before going in.  It was us and we knew we were okay.  We took full advantage of it all. 

We talked a lot.  Ellie and I always talked and I guess that is why I was so surprised she didn’t tell me things sooner.  (yes, this is foreshadowing… thing(s))…  But, I guess when someone is threatening your mother, you really believe it.  You get scared.  So scared that you believe them.  The pains of that, of her keeping it all locked in her head will forever be with me.  It saddens me and makes my heart so heavy. 

She talked about her hatred toward her dad. She talked about never wanting to see him. She asked about what was going to happen to him.  She asked about moving so we would not be in danger.  She cried.  I cried.  And in the days, it was “forgotten.” Or as best as possible. 

The third night we were in Hawaii, we went to a fancier dinner where they cook the dinner in front of you and you sit with other people.  The people next to Ellie were commenting on how cute she was, talking to her throughout the night, Ellie was politely talking with them.  At one point, they asked if she was in Hawaii with her mom and dad. 

Ellie responded, “I don’t have a dad.  He did something very bad to me.  He….”

And I quickly picked up my hand and put it over her mouth before she could graphically tell our new friends what he did.  It was at this point, I knew that Ellie was going to be okay.  It was at this point that I knew Ellie would not mind sharing her story.  It was the “go ahead” I needed to hear to know that the road would be long, but she would come out on top.  There is no doubt in my mind that Ellie will end up using this in some way to help others.  She already has. 

The entire walk back, we had a conversation about why she couldn’t tell them what he did.  She is feisty.  She wants everyone to know this man did something bad.  And that is why I feel find sharing her story. 

As the week went on, the time to part came.  I had a friend watch her during the day, TH took her with her and I was much more nervous than Ellie.  Ellie was okay. It was me that was not.  Ellie spent the days having fun and I was so pleased that she was okay. 

I worked a couple days and Friday decided to take the day off.  In fact, made it mandatory for my team.  We called it team-bonding.  They found a convertible and we toured the Island.  It is one of my fondest memories of my times in Hawaii.  Ellie laughed so hard that day.  Our cares were nowhere to be found and beauty was everywhere for the eyes to see.  It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. 

 *****

We had been talking, while we were in Hawaii and what Ellie wanted, what would make her feel better and one of her answers was a dog.  If anyone knows anything about me… I am NOT a dog person.  So, when Ellie said this, I cringed.  At this point, I would have done anything for her.  Actually, in the weeks to come, I nearly did. 

While I was in Hawaii, I made some calls and pulled some strings.  I also took some very deep breaths. 

We arrived home from Hawaii on a red-eye Saturday morning at 7am.  At 8:30 we had a dog. 

Bell came into our lives as a plain old dog (well, really young pup).  But, she has turned into much more than that.  I can’t imagine our lives without her.  She brings light and happiness to Ellie in ways that I cannot begin to describe.  She has saved her more than once, yes, metaphorically.  But, saved her, nonetheless.  I feel so blessed to have that silly dog.  She was meant for us.  For Ellie.  And I think our lives would not be as rich without her. 

******

With Paradise behind us, a new dog in our house, the real world waited.  And the real world wasn’t as pretty as it once was.