Life Returns to Our Normal

I was so worried when Ellie came home that she would not bounce back and be the Ellie I knew before. She was thrilled to be home.  She wanted to touch everything, play with all her toys and was so excited to be able to sleep in her own bed.

Bell was equally happy. Finally coming downstairs, our dog was now back to normal.

Ellie had missed a full week of school.  Her classmates had sent her some notes in the hospital and her teacher sent a sweet note with her homework that had each student signing something for Ellie.  We went through it the weekend after she got home.  She had a lot of homework to do to get caught up.

Ellie was clingy, but seemed okay.  She talked often about what her stay was like in the hospital, but never brought up the visits - or I should say possibility of visits - with DP.  I didn't want to bring it up either.

That first couple of days she was home was a birthday party at our neighbors.  We had, of course, planned to go before she ended up in the hospital.  I didn't know if she would want to go with the circumstances that had happened.  When Sunday came and I threw the idea out, she asked if I would stay, and I was planning on it, and she said that she wanted to go.  I was thrilled.

I was antsy to get life back to normal, but didn't want to push things.  She was again, a bit clingy, but did really well with all the kids.  I watched with tears in my eyes so happy that my girl was back.  Whenever she smiled, I got teary... she was going to be okay.

When Monday rolled around, I wondered how she would do at school.  We rehearsed what she would say if kids asked where she has been all week. She didn't want to tell them why she was in the hospital just yet.  The anxiety that I felt was unwarranted.  She did great.

The next few weeks Ellie snapped back into being her old self.  She found her joy again and I was ecstatic.  The things she learned in the hospital followed us and she continued to amaze me every day.

She continued to go to therapy weekly.


The second week of April brought the news that DP had hired an attorney, JPB.  He was a new attorney, just out of school.

He was not the only new attorney in our lives.  April also brought SH to our lives. She was Ellie's new lawyer.  We got to meet her face to face for the first time at our house.  She came over to meet Ellie on Ellie's turf.  It was pretty amazing.  It was as if she had been a part of our lives forever.  Ellie had no fear in meeting her and let her story unfold right in front of SH.  I was touched by how great they got along.  I let the two of them be alone.  Sure enough, Ellie touched her as well.


The amazing part of this whole process is that Ellie had often been forgotten in the courtroom.  I feel like the Judge often ruled for what he thought might be best for DP.  Occasionally lately, maybe what might be best for me.  And, he often guessed what would be best for Ellie,. Even saying things like, "I am sure if Ellie were here she would say,... " Never was he right.  I felt like I was the one who knew her the most, and knew what she would say if she were there.  JR was always very far off.

The odd thing is that no one asked her.  When asked, she would gladly tell you.  Perhaps even to the point of it making it somewhat awkward.  I didn't mind.  I thought she was better of talking than me telling her to keep quiet.  She wanted nothing to do with DP.  She wished he would go to jail.  She wanted him to know how badly he hurt her and she never wanted to see him again.  Shouldn't we constantly be doing what was best for Ellie? 


That was SH's role.  


As for DP's new lawyer, he was a tool.  He spoke about Ellie, referring to her as "the girl.".  I was ashamed FOR him. 


We would end up going back to court in May.  Just a month and a half after Ellie had been released from the hospital.  


My side would be ready. We had the lady from DHS, the detective who was on our case, Ellie's therapist, Ellie's attorney, and myself ready to testify.   

From the Happiest Place on Earth Back to Reality

I'm finding the posts more painful to do.  I don't know if it is because I am in a funk over this last decision by the judge (which I definitely am) or  if I know I am getting closer to some really hard things to tell.  Either way, I appreciate the constant companionship as I tell our story.  Again, if I am helping just one person, it is worth it.  I like to believe Ellie will be proud of me for telling it.  The next two years - after things coming to light June 2010 - to now have been nothing short of a nightmare.

******

It was mid-July and we were back from Hawaii with a new dog and yet the dark cloud of what happened never quite moved away.  Ellie continued to see her therapist every week.  It served her well.  She needed it and I was happy we had  found her.

On the legal front, no one could find DP.  He seemed to have skipped town.  This was of little surprise to me.  

The case and thus, Ellie and I, were assigned a DHS employee.  She came over and interviewed me and then she interviewed Ellie.  After she told me that Ellie had said the same thing she said at CARES and there was really nothing to be done.  Again, I was floored.  Our case would remain open just in case.  

She did say there had been a couple of other calls on him about Ellie and so there was already some history there.  My assumption was that it was from her child care provider.  But, the DHS employee was unable to tell me and felt she had let too much slip already. 

Days were dark. 

Nights were scary. 

Life had changed. 

The cloud that hung over us was low and thick. Not knowing where he was was haunting.  It was hard to sleep and so hard to want to get out of bed to do anything.  Depression hit harder than ever before.  

I would have done anything to erase what had happened.  The ridiculous amount of guilt I felt was heavy.  

When Ellie asked to go do Disneyland, I answered yes, without hesitating.  Could I afford it? Heck no.  We had just gotten back from a trip to Hawaii.  Was it a plan we had for the summer... Absolutely not.  But, my goodness, at this point, if the kid wanted to go to the moon, I was going to make it happen.

******

The happiest place on Earth was indeed happy.  It felt like if we were away things were better.  The distance between us and Oregon made life just that much easier.  

We slept much more than expected and it made me realize how much this situation was weighing on us both.  We got up as early as we could.  Smiled when we realized how late it was and headed to celebrate the freedom that we had.  Something that was not lost on either of us.

We enjoyed every inch of Disneyland and that trip, as well as the Hawaii trip will be remembered as something that brought Ellie and me closer.

Getting on the plane was not easy.  Though it went untalked about, we both knew what we were coming back to.  A life of looking around the corners, being a little more scared in the dark and a little more uneasy about everything.  The dark cloud.

******

DP was still nowhere to be found.  

Several weeks later I got an email from him though that said, "I am coming to get my daughter."  

Of course this stirred my emotions and caused me great fear. It also went back to my fundamental issue of how much do I tell Ellie.  I was always so torn about this.  I didn't want to scare her more than she already was.  I also was stubborn - most people would say probably too stubborn - on the fact that I didn't want to change my life over him.  I didn't want to take the fear he was causing me/us and have to uproot what we had in case he really was coming.  Did this put her/us in jeopardy? Did this cause my parents to lose sleep? Did this make me crazy? Things that will never be answered.  But, I had to control something and this was one thing I could control.  There were a few times when I felt we were in too much danger and we did leave for a few nights but this wasn't one of them.  At this point, I didn't even feel like he was actually in the same state at this point, so I felt okay staying at home.  Did I sleep that night? Probably not... but, gosh darnit, I was in my own bed!

*****

The harassment got crazier.  Texts were 6-7 a night.  Nonsense of texts to threatening.  Life was not easy.  And each and every day contained the question, "is my dad in jail?" from Ellie. 

Ellie was starting school in September and I was fearful of letting her out of my sight and into the school.  I had to make the school extra aware of the issues and fully aware that he was not to come any where near the school.  

Around October, he was found and incarcerated.  He spent less than 72 hours in jail.  That was it.  The jails are full.  And he only had to spend 72 hours.  

*****

I didn't hear much from him for awhile and I thought that maybe the time behind bars settled him down.  

Then, at the end of November, I got an email that said, "I want to see my daughter, I will meet you at Fred Meyer on December 7th."

Holy Shit.  My hands started sweating, my heart started pounding, and I automatically panicked.  

Now I will tell you this, I will never let this man see Ellie.  That is not going to happen.  But, the words, the thought, scared me.  More than scared me, it terrified me.  

I automatically contacted my lawyer.  She told me to calm down.  I will have to talk about her demeanor later.  She has a good way about her.

It was time to stop resting on our laurels and go back to fighting.  We would put in a motion with the courts the very next day that we wanted to a trial to that DP could have no contact with Ellie.  It was said, it was done and court date was set for mid-December.  AFTER, the date of December 7th.  

*****

DP would, of course be receiving information about this court date, which would stop his hope to see her (in anyone else's head) and we would prepare for court.  

At the very beginning of December, a knock on my door and a man in a suit appeared, just as my parents were leaving one night.  I had no idea who the man was, but opened the door.  He handed me the papers and said, "consider yourself served."  

Again, shaking, pounding, blinding by the shock of it all.  

I wanted to shield Ellie from it all, so my dad took Ellie as I ripped open the document.  Inside was a poorly filled out paper saying the DP stated that I was a bad parent; lying to and coercing his daughter.  He was also requesting child support from me.  And, for the grand finale, he was requesting full custody of Ellie.  

To Unsupervised Visits... No!

Visitation like this went on for a year and a half.  I continued to have no way of having a way of knowing whether DP was there or not.  It was a horrible feeling.  The “relationship” between JH and me went downhill as I lost more and more respect for her. 

I showed up on time, I always packed food and asked that they used that.  They never did.

Ellie didn’t want to go and as she got older was able to ask why? I didn’t have an answer.  But, I was cautious to never put him down.  It was in our signed agreement with the Judge.  Never to speak ill of the other person and I took it to heart.  I didn’t know what to tell her for why.  I just told her that we had to.  I explained that it was at least quick and that before long we would be together again. 

She could explain what they did now. Which was generally, nothing.  He would cook.  Not necessarily for her.  But, just cook.  And JH would play with her. 

Every time we went, there were tears.  There was a struggle. She did not want JH to touch her, she wanted to stay with me.  Again, I was forced to say, “go”.  It was what the law had said.  She asked me to watch as she walked up the stairs and I watched every time until she was indoors safely.   Sometimes I would just move to another place to see who was coming and going.  Sometimes I would just go up the street and do a little grocery shopping, sometimes I would just drive home, lie under the covers and cry until it was time to get her. 

It never got easier. 

I kept track of everything. 

Sadly, my lawyer saw no reason to go back.  The reality was that the Judge was clearly on DP’s side. He was not going to favor me for anything.

At this point, it was easier to not shake the boat than to do anything.  DP was seeing her very rarely and even though it was hard, he was canceling more than visits were actually happening.  So, I felt we were  in a relatively good position, all things considered.  I could only explain so much to Ellie and she would, I hope, one day understand it all, well, as much as I did.

When Ellie turned 3 and a half the visits were to change from supervised to unsupervised. 

DP, who had never been alone with Ellie now would get her every other weekend Saturday 9am- Sunday 5pm.  And every other Wednesday 5:30-8. 

This was terrifying to me.

Ellie at this point was a very vocal child.  She was very vocal about her interest, or lack thereof, in going to see her dad. 

We met at a mutual place.  The Fred Meyers on Beaverton Hillsdale Hwy.  It was because of the restraining order I had against him.  I will tell you this.  If it was going to be my time to have my daughter on my own for the first time, I would have been there with bells and whistles as early as possible.  Not him.  He overslept.  I got a text the first day he was to have her at 9:06 and he said, “alarm didn’t go off, I’m on my way.”

Really?

Oh, the ghost of Christmas Future…

There was a piece in our plan that said we had to wait 15 minutes for the person to arrive and that would not be considered late. Why there was even a starting time, is beyond me, then.  This comes into play in a pretty major way later on.  Our time to start out was 9am Saturday morning and he kept her to Sunday at 5pm.  

Which also meant he could show up at 5:15 and not get that “counted against him” so to speak. 

I grew up that if you are there on time, you are late.  My family was always the first to get there, wherever THERE was.  My father instilled promptness in me and I intend to instill it in my daughter.  I think it is a great attribute to have.  Getting a screaming 3 year old out the door, with a mother who is also in tears, but trying desperately to hide it is not easy in the mornings, but I will tell you I can count on 1 finger the times we were late. 

We would walk in, sit on a bench and I would try to “entertain” Ms Ellie while we waited.  She would ask, is it time to go? Can we go? Can we go now? Because she knew at 9:15, I was walking out the door and not looking back.  The employees of Fred Meyer got to know us very well.  I spent a large portion of the next few years on that bench.  The new schedule for visits were every other weekend Saturday 9-Sunday at 5.  And every other Wednesday 5:30-8.  Or in DP world 5:45-8:15.  Ellie is an early sleeper and these nights were tough as she goes to bed, yes still, at 7pm.  So, she was beyond consolable by the time I got her. 

I would say the new schedule was one of those times I said to myself “it can’t get much worse than this.” Just that feeling of not knowing what he was doing.  The feeling of her being so helpless.  The sheer terror as she got ready to go and didn’t want to go.  I knew in my gut something was wrong.  But, how do you explain a gut feeling from a frightened mom to anyone? How do you take what you are feeling and make anyone of authority listen to you? Believe me… you don’t.  I tried. 

The first time he finally showed up after “the alarm” incident, we were walking out the door at 9:15. 

There he was.   Sunglasses on.  No apologies.  DP never apologized for being late.  It drove me crazy.  He didn’t have a car seat, so, I had to give him mine. 

Right there in the middle of the Fred Meyer parking lot, Ellie had a breakdown.  She did not want to go. She was screaming and had a hold on me I will never forget, but was about to get used to.  She would put both her arms and her legs around me and I could have let go with my arms and she would have still been attached.  We were in public and I am sure that people wondered what we were doing to this child.  DP stood there doing nothing as I was trying to console her.  It would have helped if he said something like: “it will be okay, we will have fun” or “let’s do ____ today”  or, “I know this is hard, but we are going to have a great day”… but the fact that he was literally silent and looking away and not at her, was so unhelpful.  Finally I told him that he was going to have to literally peel her off of me and take her or it wasn’t going to happen. 

Well, that method or idea went over like a lead balloon. The kid was not going to come off.  We struggled for a good 30 minutes in the parking lot and finally got Ellie into her car.  I pleaded with him to call me if it continued and they were off.  And my heart was broken. 

Things only got worse.  

From 20 days to 10 months ... He disappeared

From the day that DP left, at 20 days old, until the day Ellie was about 10 months old, I didn’t hear anything from him.  I was in off and on contact with his dad and his sister who lived in Florida.  I had never met them, but I sought them out to try to figure out what to do with his belongings.  I wanted them out of my house and I wanted to close this chapter in my life. 

I went from many feelings of sorrow to just feeling pissed.  How dare he do this to me? To us? I was left with about 2 months to find day care for Ellie.  To go from being a “family” (how quickly those definitions changed in my head) to being a single mom (now … present time – more of a family than ever … but, going through it… it was hard).  It took me about a week to tell anyone that he had left. 

Then it was even harder because no one could find him.  His friends had no idea, his family didn’t hear from him, he literally fell off the face of the Earth.  After about 3 months, I started to pack his things.  I found powered substances and, because he was a chef, thought they just might be baking powder or soda.  However, it was not.  It was cocaine.  Then came the pile of weed I found.  I was blind-sided that he had been doing drugs under my roof.  That he had left the drugs there.  Completely baffled still that I had no clue.  Was I seriously that stupid? His phone was turned off and there was no sign of him anywhere in the city. 

I figured he was dead. 

Soon, I felt nothing. 

Ellie and I would be fine on our own.  Certainly not the way I had it planned, but this was our new life and it would have to work.  We were not given a choice. 

I got a call from his father one night (not a warm, fuzzy man) and he asked if I had heard from DP.  No, I said.  Well, he had decided that he was going to call the local police and do a missing persons report.  The call had come late at night and I asked that they not get me involved.  #1. I had nothing to contribute.  #2. The baby was asleep and I was headed that way and I frankly didn’t want police coming to visit my house.  I believed that people in my neighborhood were talking enough already. 

Shortly thereafter, there was a knock on my door.  The police.  Great.  I didn’t tell them much. Only that I hadn’t hear from him in several months and I wasn’t interested in what they found. 

I learned the next day that they found him.  He was with someone named LH.  She was the mother of his ex-girlfriend.  My emotions got even more on the side of not caring as now that I knew he was alive and didn’t care about his daughter, my patience was zero. 

****

I remember it being a beautiful day out and Ellie and I going for a walk to Walgreens.  She loved to be outside and we were enjoying the weather.  My phone was ringing off the hook with a number that I didn’t recognize.  I hadn’t been answering those numbers because I was worried that something big was about to happen.  I figured if someone needed to talk to me, they could leave a message and I’d get back to them. 

Finally a message. 

It was DP’s sister.  She had come to town from Florida and she was going to stop by my house with DP. 

My heart had never beat THAT fast as it did when I heard those words.  I didn’t want to see him, I didn’t want to see her.  I had no interest in any of it.  What makes her think that she could just do that? I was horrified.  I got Ellie inside from our walk and tried to think things through.  My world was starting to turn again. 

I would just call her back, hope to get her voice mail, and tell her no.  If she came anyway, I would just not answer the door.  All of that seemed easy. 

I did just that.  I got the voice mail.  I said, I didn’t want them coming by, it wasn’t right.  And then I hung up and went about our night.  When it came to about 9pm, I thought she had listened.  I felt good about it all.  Ellie was in bed, I was finishing up some work and then there was a knock on the door.  Who shows up at 9 on a “school night?” Especially when you have been asked not to?

I was furious.  The doorbell just kept ringing.  They obviously knew I was there.  If that continued, the baby would wake up.  I opened the door and a ghost of the person I knew was there.  It wasn’t DP.  This person was 30 pounds plus lighter.  And he didn’t weigh that much to begin with.  You could see every vein in his neck.  His face was hallow. I had to look away because it was disgusting to look at.  His sister, probably 6 inches taller than both of us stood “over” us both. 

“Ellie is asleep and I asked you not to come.” I said, not even letting there be an exchange of pleasantries. 

She introduced herself.  I did the same back.  And  then she asked if DP could just see Ellie. 

I said no. 

She asked why and I reinforced the fact that it was late, Ellie was on a schedule.  I then went on to say that if he really wanted to see her, he would have done something in the last 10 months.  I took over a bit by going on a diatribe of questions: where had he been for 10 months, what had he been doing, how could someone do that, etc…

His sister jumped in and said, “that is not what tonight is about.  Tonight is about him seeing his daughter.  It will help him heal.”  What the Fuck? Heal? And since when did it become about him?

No.  They would need to leave. 

Well, couldn’t he just sneak in her room and see her?

No.

I was fearing now that I would have to call the police; the same ones who were just here a couple nights prior. 

DP still had not said a word. No eye contact had been made.  The entire interaction was surreal.  Was he so messed up that he couldn’t speak? My head was literally spinning.  I was praying that Ellie would not wake up.  I just wanted them off my property. 

I finally said that I was going to shut the door. 

His sister said, so you are keeping him from his daughter?

I believe you could see my heart pounding.

I politely said, “she is our daughter.” And yes.

She said, “then I guess we will see you in court.”

****

The good news is that I had already hired a lawyer.

I was going to get full custody of Ellie when he was missing, but had only done the leg work of finding an attorney and retaining her. 

At this point, with his sister saying, we will see you in court, I still figured, I would leave it up to them to do the initiating.  Sadly, though, that night did change the way I lived.  I now looked behind me and in front of me every single time I left my house.  I checked around my house as I pulled in.  I was highly alert of everything I did and everywhere I went.  The happy-go-lucky life we had went out the window.  He was back … and he wanted Ellie.

To publish or not to publish… that is the question

Writing is such a cathartic act. But, I think to myself, who would really want to read what I write? I guess the answer came to me that if it would help one person, it would be worth it. Erin Merryn, has devoted her life to helping children after being a survivor of sexual abuse.  I, in some way, have decided to do the same thing and I guess it has to start somehow and sometime.  Though not the victim myself, I live each day of my life changed because of what has happened to my daughter.  I write this knowing the Ellie would speak freely about her experience.  I write this knowing that she would have no issues sharing things.  She, like I, wants to spread the word.  It happens.  And, it needs to be talked about.

Let’s start at the beginning.

Ellie was born on January 11, 2004.  She was perfect in every way.  I had to stay in the hospital 6 nights because of small error in the C-section and actually happy to do so.  It gave me more time with the nurses and time to work on her feeding. 

The day we were to come home, DP was late getting us.  I wasn’t surprised.  He said he had been shopping and putting the chair together.  I figured he probably had been sleeping.  Upon arrival at home, I knew I was right – or at least he had been doing something else.  Though there was food, it was all still in bags.  The chair, Ellie’s rocking chair, was still in the same place it had been since Christmas and not put together and not in her room. 

Ellie and I settled in my bed and I was just excited to be home with my baby.  I couldn’t believe it.  We rested and took naps. Ate, etc.  Tried to find a rhythm of some sort.  DP was in and out, I had no idea doing what.  He wasn’t working at the time.  I honestly didn’t care where he was.  I was too enthralled with my Ellie.  The second night that we were home, DP didn’t come home.  All night.  I was recovering from major surgery and Ellie was 8 days old.  And DP… nowhere to be found.  Though I would have liked to have been shocked by this – I really wasn’t … Disappointed is probably a good word.

When he finally came home the next morning around 7, I told him flat out , this wasn’t going to work.  He apologized, put on some work clothes and said he was going to go and find a job.  He didn’t even sleep. Didn’t stay to find out how I was, how the baby was.  I was bewildered by all of this and was thinking… where are you going to find a job at 7?

He got home again around 3, smelling of cigarette smoke.   A despicable habit he had picked up several months prior, took a shower and headed toward the garage.  I went down and asked what he was doing and if I could get a little help and he said he was helping by cleaning the garage.  At this point, I finally clued in that something was going on.  I know… super quick on the up-take.  I’d like to pass it off as hormones or exhaustion or something … but I have to say… I just really was clueless. 

He worked on that darn garage the entire night through and in the morning came in and said, “you have to come and see what I have done! I have totally organized the garage.”

Now, I get giddy about organization.  So, I was pretty excited… I walked, baby in tow to the garage and saw literally NOTHING changed.  It was by far one of the strangest things ever.  He was raving about it and I stood opened mouth dumbfounded. 

A few minutes later he left.  He went to Walgreens and came back.  He bought about $200 worth of odds and ends.  Pins, safety pins, rulers, notebooks, papers, scissors, etc.  It was as if someone gave a 10 year old $200 dollars and said, no toys, but just go crazy.  Mind you, it was nothing we needed.  But, boy was he proud of himself.  Hooks, like the little hooks that a plant might be hung from the ceiling on in 1982.  What was going on? I was so tired and couldn’t put enough energy into caring to start a conversation with him to try to figure it out.

We were 2 people not even really under the same roof.  He rarely, if ever held Ellie and I just went about my business, somehow thinking it would all be better. 

The end came 20 days in to Ellie’s life.  He told me he was going out for milk at 10pm and came home at 6am drunk off his ass.  I stopped him at the door and told him to go.  I was done.  I couldn’t take it.  He didn’t fight the decision, but did fight me.  He got very aggressive and threw me on the bed.  He had me by all fours and threw my cell phone so I couldn’t call 911. Then he ripped the cord from the wall so I couldn’t use the land line either.  The scariest part was when he grabbed Ellie from her bassinet.  I was terrified and tried to grab her back.  He locked me in the bathroom.  I was doing all I could to get out and I was so scared that he was going to take her.  Instead, he filmed her, and took the film. Placed her back in the bassinet.  Ransacked the house.  Took one bag of clothes and left.  Not one word to me. 

I cried so hard when he left, not because he was leaving but because Ellie was safe. 

I called my friend JC to come and help me put things back together and all but the phone was back in place in a short while.  Now my fear came about him coming back.  I called another friend to come and change the locks.

I undid the garage door, got the locks changed and since I wasn’t sleeping much anyway, hunkered down for the night.  Little did I know, this was just the beginning.