From the Happiest Place on Earth Back to Reality

I'm finding the posts more painful to do.  I don't know if it is because I am in a funk over this last decision by the judge (which I definitely am) or  if I know I am getting closer to some really hard things to tell.  Either way, I appreciate the constant companionship as I tell our story.  Again, if I am helping just one person, it is worth it.  I like to believe Ellie will be proud of me for telling it.  The next two years - after things coming to light June 2010 - to now have been nothing short of a nightmare.

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It was mid-July and we were back from Hawaii with a new dog and yet the dark cloud of what happened never quite moved away.  Ellie continued to see her therapist every week.  It served her well.  She needed it and I was happy we had  found her.

On the legal front, no one could find DP.  He seemed to have skipped town.  This was of little surprise to me.  

The case and thus, Ellie and I, were assigned a DHS employee.  She came over and interviewed me and then she interviewed Ellie.  After she told me that Ellie had said the same thing she said at CARES and there was really nothing to be done.  Again, I was floored.  Our case would remain open just in case.  

She did say there had been a couple of other calls on him about Ellie and so there was already some history there.  My assumption was that it was from her child care provider.  But, the DHS employee was unable to tell me and felt she had let too much slip already. 

Days were dark. 

Nights were scary. 

Life had changed. 

The cloud that hung over us was low and thick. Not knowing where he was was haunting.  It was hard to sleep and so hard to want to get out of bed to do anything.  Depression hit harder than ever before.  

I would have done anything to erase what had happened.  The ridiculous amount of guilt I felt was heavy.  

When Ellie asked to go do Disneyland, I answered yes, without hesitating.  Could I afford it? Heck no.  We had just gotten back from a trip to Hawaii.  Was it a plan we had for the summer... Absolutely not.  But, my goodness, at this point, if the kid wanted to go to the moon, I was going to make it happen.

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The happiest place on Earth was indeed happy.  It felt like if we were away things were better.  The distance between us and Oregon made life just that much easier.  

We slept much more than expected and it made me realize how much this situation was weighing on us both.  We got up as early as we could.  Smiled when we realized how late it was and headed to celebrate the freedom that we had.  Something that was not lost on either of us.

We enjoyed every inch of Disneyland and that trip, as well as the Hawaii trip will be remembered as something that brought Ellie and me closer.

Getting on the plane was not easy.  Though it went untalked about, we both knew what we were coming back to.  A life of looking around the corners, being a little more scared in the dark and a little more uneasy about everything.  The dark cloud.

******

DP was still nowhere to be found.  

Several weeks later I got an email from him though that said, "I am coming to get my daughter."  

Of course this stirred my emotions and caused me great fear. It also went back to my fundamental issue of how much do I tell Ellie.  I was always so torn about this.  I didn't want to scare her more than she already was.  I also was stubborn - most people would say probably too stubborn - on the fact that I didn't want to change my life over him.  I didn't want to take the fear he was causing me/us and have to uproot what we had in case he really was coming.  Did this put her/us in jeopardy? Did this cause my parents to lose sleep? Did this make me crazy? Things that will never be answered.  But, I had to control something and this was one thing I could control.  There were a few times when I felt we were in too much danger and we did leave for a few nights but this wasn't one of them.  At this point, I didn't even feel like he was actually in the same state at this point, so I felt okay staying at home.  Did I sleep that night? Probably not... but, gosh darnit, I was in my own bed!

*****

The harassment got crazier.  Texts were 6-7 a night.  Nonsense of texts to threatening.  Life was not easy.  And each and every day contained the question, "is my dad in jail?" from Ellie. 

Ellie was starting school in September and I was fearful of letting her out of my sight and into the school.  I had to make the school extra aware of the issues and fully aware that he was not to come any where near the school.  

Around October, he was found and incarcerated.  He spent less than 72 hours in jail.  That was it.  The jails are full.  And he only had to spend 72 hours.  

*****

I didn't hear much from him for awhile and I thought that maybe the time behind bars settled him down.  

Then, at the end of November, I got an email that said, "I want to see my daughter, I will meet you at Fred Meyer on December 7th."

Holy Shit.  My hands started sweating, my heart started pounding, and I automatically panicked.  

Now I will tell you this, I will never let this man see Ellie.  That is not going to happen.  But, the words, the thought, scared me.  More than scared me, it terrified me.  

I automatically contacted my lawyer.  She told me to calm down.  I will have to talk about her demeanor later.  She has a good way about her.

It was time to stop resting on our laurels and go back to fighting.  We would put in a motion with the courts the very next day that we wanted to a trial to that DP could have no contact with Ellie.  It was said, it was done and court date was set for mid-December.  AFTER, the date of December 7th.  

*****

DP would, of course be receiving information about this court date, which would stop his hope to see her (in anyone else's head) and we would prepare for court.  

At the very beginning of December, a knock on my door and a man in a suit appeared, just as my parents were leaving one night.  I had no idea who the man was, but opened the door.  He handed me the papers and said, "consider yourself served."  

Again, shaking, pounding, blinding by the shock of it all.  

I wanted to shield Ellie from it all, so my dad took Ellie as I ripped open the document.  Inside was a poorly filled out paper saying the DP stated that I was a bad parent; lying to and coercing his daughter.  He was also requesting child support from me.  And, for the grand finale, he was requesting full custody of Ellie.