Guilt That You Can Actually Feel

It has been awhile since my last post.  I have been feeling a horrible since of guilt.  For anyone who has been in a similar situation as this, I wonder if they feel the same.  I so want this fight to be over for Ellie.  She deserves to be done with this and I feel that it is my duty as a mother to make it go away, and I can't.

The feeling of guilt is a powerful one.  It can be paralyzing.  I don't feel like doing anything, don't feel like getting out of bed, don't feel like working (though I do), don't feel like smiling (sometimes do), I am a person just going through the motions.  The feeling of doing wrong by my daughter is terrible.

However... back to the story ... I mean our lives.

*****

After we went to court for the silly thing that DP wanted to have custody of Ellie, we were asked to return in a few weeks.  At the end of December we went in for another trial.  By this time, it should have felt like old hat, but it didn't.  It never would.

Having to see DP was always the worst part.  The thought of it driving over in the mornings made me sick. The first time I saw his face each time made it even worse.  And then looking at him made me really ill.  Just going through things in my mind.  How our lives had changed.  How he had changed.  How nothing would ever be the same because of him and what he had done.

JR walked in and we stood.  We had an affidavit from Ellie's therapist talking about how dangerous it was for Ellie to be around DP.  It talked about the seriousness of what he had done and that there was no benefit of the two of them trying to have a relationship.  I was ready to speak. We had the police officer there as well.  However, the judge had different plans.

Once again, nothing would be heard.

He would postpone the trial date again, giving us 3 months for everyone to be ready for a trial.

We were ready.

I still don't know we postponed, nor were we able to ask.

Everyone thought how great this was, 3 more months with Ellie not having to do anything with her dad.

This is not true.

Sure, she didn't have to see him, but, in actuality, this is 3 more months of our lives being held captive by this case.  It was 3 more months of time where we looked in every corner of the store before we felt safe being somewhere.  Things didn't magically get better.  They remained the same.  Drawn out and confusing.

******

Everyone asks "why?"  I don't know why.  I have no idea why things are prolonged. I don't know why the judge rules what he rules.  I don't have a single answer for anything along the way.  I have no idea why I have been fighting for nearly 2 years for this.  (And that is if you just count the sexual abuse).  I don't know.  

Here is what I do know. 

- Our court system does not work to help our children stay safe.

- Our court system is a tangled web of expensive bureaucracy that I, as a fairly intelligent person, have been battling to the letter for nearly 8 full years now. And have been confused more times than I have understood things.

- Our court system does not seem to care that a clinical MD who has been treating my child said "Ellie exhibits extreme anxiety about the prospect of spending time with her father, especially alone. In my opinion this anxiety rises to the clinical level. I further believe Ellie is traumatized by the very idea of spending time with her father and at this point may experience emotional and behavioral decompensation if required to spend time alone with him." 

How do I know they don't care about the last one? 

Stay tuned for the next one. When our lives literally turn upside down.