What I was hoping was the things would pop back into place after Father's Day over. What I realize is that is probably not the case. Things are only getting worse.
But, what I do know is that when I woke up this morning and my happy, sweet, full of life 8 year old was in a ball under her bed, today was going to be a very hard day.
We are nearing the 2-year anniversary of Ellie coming out with the news of the sexual abuse. And for her, of course, life will never be the same. One of the hardest days will remain Father's Day.
Today my heart has been ripped out in several situations and I am impressed by my little girl's ability to keep going. We have learned to turn the radio down during commercials, we have learned to watch DVR'd TV and fast forward during the commercials so we don't have to watch what other's should buy for their fathers for Father's Day. As silly as it sounds, one of the things the therapist told us to do is pick two songs and sing them when she gets to that "dark place." We have been singing a lot.
Some may think I am catering to her. Here is the deal. Any way I can make this day easier on her, you better believe I will. One of my main missions right now is to help her not think about "him." And, if everything is talking about how great having a dad is, it just makes it even worse. Not only does she not have one (in her mind, she has completely disassociated from him), but really, the one she does have abused her: mentally, physically and in the end, sexually.
At school she was asked to do a Father's Day present. (I had of course, prepped the substitute teacher about her situation) and she was STILL asked to do it. Ellie's response was "I don't have a dad."
The sub said, "Ellie, everyone has a dad."
"I don't."
All the kids jumped in with "you don't have a dad?"
And the poking fun began.
I have tried to put myself in her shoes. The world is telling you to celebrate your dad. I know people have lost their fathers to death and I cannot imagine that pain either. But, here is a totally different feeling. And no one has a clue how badly the things he did has hurt her. Yes, she is only 8, but the wounds run so deep that this is just a cruel joke.
Here is the reality, is today harder than yesterday? Yeah... yesterday she wasn't under the bed when I woke up. Is she going through a hard time? Yes. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is very real. Was I hoping that it was Father's Day that brought it on? Absolutely. I was hoping that today was going to be the worst day and life would even out ... and maybe it will ... For now... we are doing the best we can with what we have. She laughed today. And that sounds great. So, Fuck her dad. He was never a father anyway. I hope he is suffering today. I hope the pain he is feeling is deep.
If anyone is interested in PTSD in children:
Studies show that PTSD occurs in 1%-14% of the population. It can be diagnosed at at any age, and can occur as a sudden, short-term response or develop gradually and become chronic or persistent.
Most people with the post traumatic stress disorder try to avoid any reminders or thoughts of the trauma. Despite this avoidance, they often re-experience the ordeal in the form of intense "flashbacks," memories, nightmares, or frightening thoughts, especially when they're re-exposed to events or objects that remind them of the trauma.
The number 1 cause of PTSD listed is rape.
These symptoms often continue for years following the trauma or, in some cases, may subside and return later in life if another event triggers memories of the trauma. In fact, anniversaries of the event can often cause a flood of emotions and unpleasant memories.
Things people with PTSD are likely to do:
- avoiding activities, places, or people
- lack of interest and participation in activities
- feeling detached or estranged from others
- limited range of emotions
- sense that they will not live to graduate college, get married, have kids, etc.
Here are some things that help those going through PTSD:
- Most kids will need a period of adjustment following a stressful event, so during this time, it's especially important for parents to offer support and love, and to monitor their kids carefully.
- Let them talk about the traumatic event when and if they feel ready. It's important not to force the issue if kids don't feel like sharing their thoughts. Praise them for being strong when they do talk about it. Your child may prefer to draw or write about their experiences. Either way, encouragement and praise can help your child get their feelings out.
- Reassure them that their feelings are normal and that they're not "going crazy." Support and understanding from parents can help kids process difficult feelings.
- Get professional help immediately if there's any suspicion that a child has thoughts of self-harm. Thoughts of suicide are serious at any age and require prompt and effective intervention.
- Help build self-confidence by encouraging kids to make everyday decisions whenever appropriate. PTSD can make a child feel powerless, so parents can help by showing their kids that they have control over certain aspects of their lives. Depending on their children's ages, parents might consider letting them decide things like what's for dinner, what to wear, or select a weekend activity.
- Tell them that the traumatic event is not their fault. Encourage kids to talk about their feelings of guilt, but don't let them blame themselves for what happened.
- Do not criticize regressive behavior (returning to a previous level of development). If children want to sleep with the lights on or take a favorite stuffed animal to bed, it's perfectly normal and can help them feel better.
