"It Can't Get Any Worse"... What?

We had a court date for March 22.  Ellie knew that it was a big one.  One that would probably end it all.  That is how I saw it, how my lawyer saw it, how her therapist saw it.  It was how we all went into it.

Now, some might say I told Ellie too much about what was happening in the courts.  I told her when court dates were.  I answered questions to the best of my ability without talking badly about DP, except when it came to what he done to her (that was in the court agreement and I didn't ever want to jeopardize that should she be put on the stand and have to say something about how I spoke about him).  I was honest with her.  As honest as I could be given the circumstances.  Many would think too open.  But the reality is SHE was living this life.  It was hers to live.  It was me and her.  And, how could I keep things secret?

I did my very best to not break down in front of her.  I hid my emotions to the best of my ability.

The hurtful part came when I thought we would be okay in a court room and we weren't.  I felt as if I had promised something to her and I let her down.   And that happened often.  Reality is, I never promised.  But, it still felt like I was letting her down.

March 22 was a big day.  We were going to have testimony, we were going to make some big decisions and my hope, our hope was that DP would have every right as a parent taken away.  There was no way it would go any other way.

After all, we had the detective coming, we had the affidavit from Ellie's therapist, DJ, we had my testimony, we could put DP on the stand.  We had the information from CARES.  Everything was in our corner.  I had the lawyer.  I had the team.  I had dotted my i's and crossed my t's with such care along the way.  There was nothing that I had missed.

I put on my "lawyer suit" and Ellie, who was home from Spring Break kissed me good-bye with a giant shout of "go get 'em, mom, I know you will win!"

With tears in my eyes, I headed toward the courthouse.  Oh, how I hated that drive.

DR met me at about 9:30, she saw I looked nervous and reassured me we were fine.

Then, in he walked, still without counsel.  His cocky demeanor.  So sure of himself and not feeling bad at all for what he had done and how he had changed our world.  DP stood there, looking ragged and thin.  I could only look so long before having to divert my eyes.  The sight of him sent shivers up and down my back.  He was disgusting in my eyes.

****

We rose as the Judge walked in.  And I sat with a deep sigh of hope.  I had been praying that the Judge had read the affidavit, and had read the whole folder from CARES and had remembered OUR case.  OUR case.  Not a cookie-cutter case.  But OURS.  

"I've read the information on the case," the Judge started. 

YES, I thought. 

"And it occurs to me, that this father has not seen his daughter in nearly a year." 

Wait... why does that matter? Where are we going with this? My heart was probably visible with how quickly it was pounding.  

"I think it is time he starts seeing her." 

As I began to stand, my lawyer put her arm in my lap as if to stop me.  She was right to do this.  What was I thinking? I was getting ready to yell out "OBJECTION" in my loudest and strongest voice.  

Instead, my lawyer, DR, did this.  After all, that was what she was there for.  

She calmly asked, aren't we going to hear any of the testimony we were prepared to give? The same testimony we were prepared to give last time? Weren't we going to discuss what DJ had said about Ellie seeing DP? There was a half-day set aside for our case... weren't we going to use any of that time to actually have a hearing? 

No, oddly enough, the answer was no. 

Tears started gushing down my face as I saw Ellie's face in my eyes.  The horror of me having to go home and tell her.  And yet, I tried hard to stay in the moment.  What on Earth was happening here? 

I couldn't believe any of it.  A nightmare right in front of me. Around me.  Wait.  It was my nightmare. 

As it continued to play out, I realized the Judge was asking me questions and I really did have to be present. He was saying that the visits would be supervised.  Okay, I nodded, face full of tears.  

My lawyer stood again.  

"We ask because of the circumstances of what the father did that the visits be supervised by someone in the legal system," she said.  Of course, I thought.  That is a no-brainer. 

"Come on Council," the Judge replied.  "He hasn't worked in years.  He doesn't have money to pay for a supervisor." 

As the words hung in the air, I started to panic.  What was going to happen? What were they going to do with Ellie and how could it be stopped? 

"With all due respect, your honor," my lawyer tried again... and she was cut off.  

The panic crept up and the ability to breath was actually being cut off.  I looked at my lawyer as if to say, "save me.  Save Ellie." She rested her hand on my arm and said, "hold on." 

The Judge asked if there was anyone we knew of who would supervise visitation and before the word completely came out of his mouth, a hand popped up from the courtroom.  It belonged to L. If I know her last name, I am forgetting it now.  She is JH's mom.  JH was DP's girlfriend long ago.  

This is a lady who once stopped Ellie in a grocery store and told her to come to her.  She was maybe 20 feet from me and as I approached with Ellie she said to me, "I only asked for Ellie to come." I took Ellie's hand and walked away.  I didn't know her from Eve.  I asked Ellie who she was and Ellie told me her name, but how dare you say that to me in front of my child.  

Oh Hell No, I was thinking.  She will not be the supervisor.  And, PS... we are not having supervised visitations.  So, start your magic DR and get us out of this... 

But, she couldn't.  We ended the day and the discussion with the Judge set in his mind that supervised visits were going to happen.  And, not just that, they were going to happen with L being in charge.  My issue with that came on several reasons.  First of all as far as "sides" were concerned, she was clearly on "his." She could say she was supervising and then leave them alone.  She had no training in supervision.  She, in fact, was not a trained person in the legal issues whatsoever.  

The end result was that visits would be every Saturday from 9-12 starting this Saturday (just 4 days away).   L would be supervising. They would come to get Ellie and they would be required to drive directly back to L's house and stay there until it was time to come back.  L was not to leave them out of her sight.

I could not keep my mouth shut on this point.  It was like breathing for me.  I HAD to say something .  I actually stood up and my mouth started moving and before I knew it, I was out of control.  Who was to say that she was going to say anything should something happen?

The brilliant Judge actually said, "your daughter told you once, why wouldn't she tell you again?".

I relied, "at that time it would again, be after the fact and again, be too late."

I stopped myself and thought, am I in a horrible Law and Order series? This is insane.

I was defeated.  I sat down in the courtroom, heavy.  I could not get Ellie's face out of my head.  I was starting to panic.  What would I tell her.  Walking into this day there was no way, literally none.  0% that I would have ended in this way.  It was so far from my head.  I would never have thought that Ellie would end up seeing DP.  NEVER.

The gavel was struck, and it was over.

As I got up the energy to walk out of the door of the court room, L was there waiting for me.  My eyes were puffy, tears were freely flowing down my face and I had no desire to see her.  DP was not in the hallway or anywhere to be seen.  She asked to have a conversation with me.  The people associated with my case came closer to me.  DR jumped in to see what it was about, "everything that needed to be said, has been said."

L said, "I just would like her to change her attitude." she told DR.

And it was on.  "Change MY attitude? What are you talking about? You are the one who approached MY daughter in a grocery store. She doesn't even like you, L. She is scared of you. She will hate that she has to see you and it will worry her more that you are involved. I will pretend that things are fine in front of Ellie for HER, but how dare you ask me to change MY attitude.  I DO NOT approve of this."

L said "Ellie loves me and she loves her dad. She will be thrilled to see us."

At that DR jumped in.

"Let's remember that you, (looking at L) haven't see Ellie for quite some time.  Let's also remember that this whole entire thing is for Ellie.  This change will probably be tougher than anyone can dream of.  I think everyone involved needs to do whatever they can to make it easy for her." With that L turned and walked out and I sat on the bench and cried.

To Unsupervised Visits... No!

Visitation like this went on for a year and a half.  I continued to have no way of having a way of knowing whether DP was there or not.  It was a horrible feeling.  The “relationship” between JH and me went downhill as I lost more and more respect for her. 

I showed up on time, I always packed food and asked that they used that.  They never did.

Ellie didn’t want to go and as she got older was able to ask why? I didn’t have an answer.  But, I was cautious to never put him down.  It was in our signed agreement with the Judge.  Never to speak ill of the other person and I took it to heart.  I didn’t know what to tell her for why.  I just told her that we had to.  I explained that it was at least quick and that before long we would be together again. 

She could explain what they did now. Which was generally, nothing.  He would cook.  Not necessarily for her.  But, just cook.  And JH would play with her. 

Every time we went, there were tears.  There was a struggle. She did not want JH to touch her, she wanted to stay with me.  Again, I was forced to say, “go”.  It was what the law had said.  She asked me to watch as she walked up the stairs and I watched every time until she was indoors safely.   Sometimes I would just move to another place to see who was coming and going.  Sometimes I would just go up the street and do a little grocery shopping, sometimes I would just drive home, lie under the covers and cry until it was time to get her. 

It never got easier. 

I kept track of everything. 

Sadly, my lawyer saw no reason to go back.  The reality was that the Judge was clearly on DP’s side. He was not going to favor me for anything.

At this point, it was easier to not shake the boat than to do anything.  DP was seeing her very rarely and even though it was hard, he was canceling more than visits were actually happening.  So, I felt we were  in a relatively good position, all things considered.  I could only explain so much to Ellie and she would, I hope, one day understand it all, well, as much as I did.

When Ellie turned 3 and a half the visits were to change from supervised to unsupervised. 

DP, who had never been alone with Ellie now would get her every other weekend Saturday 9am- Sunday 5pm.  And every other Wednesday 5:30-8. 

This was terrifying to me.

Ellie at this point was a very vocal child.  She was very vocal about her interest, or lack thereof, in going to see her dad. 

We met at a mutual place.  The Fred Meyers on Beaverton Hillsdale Hwy.  It was because of the restraining order I had against him.  I will tell you this.  If it was going to be my time to have my daughter on my own for the first time, I would have been there with bells and whistles as early as possible.  Not him.  He overslept.  I got a text the first day he was to have her at 9:06 and he said, “alarm didn’t go off, I’m on my way.”

Really?

Oh, the ghost of Christmas Future…

There was a piece in our plan that said we had to wait 15 minutes for the person to arrive and that would not be considered late. Why there was even a starting time, is beyond me, then.  This comes into play in a pretty major way later on.  Our time to start out was 9am Saturday morning and he kept her to Sunday at 5pm.  

Which also meant he could show up at 5:15 and not get that “counted against him” so to speak. 

I grew up that if you are there on time, you are late.  My family was always the first to get there, wherever THERE was.  My father instilled promptness in me and I intend to instill it in my daughter.  I think it is a great attribute to have.  Getting a screaming 3 year old out the door, with a mother who is also in tears, but trying desperately to hide it is not easy in the mornings, but I will tell you I can count on 1 finger the times we were late. 

We would walk in, sit on a bench and I would try to “entertain” Ms Ellie while we waited.  She would ask, is it time to go? Can we go? Can we go now? Because she knew at 9:15, I was walking out the door and not looking back.  The employees of Fred Meyer got to know us very well.  I spent a large portion of the next few years on that bench.  The new schedule for visits were every other weekend Saturday 9-Sunday at 5.  And every other Wednesday 5:30-8.  Or in DP world 5:45-8:15.  Ellie is an early sleeper and these nights were tough as she goes to bed, yes still, at 7pm.  So, she was beyond consolable by the time I got her. 

I would say the new schedule was one of those times I said to myself “it can’t get much worse than this.” Just that feeling of not knowing what he was doing.  The feeling of her being so helpless.  The sheer terror as she got ready to go and didn’t want to go.  I knew in my gut something was wrong.  But, how do you explain a gut feeling from a frightened mom to anyone? How do you take what you are feeling and make anyone of authority listen to you? Believe me… you don’t.  I tried. 

The first time he finally showed up after “the alarm” incident, we were walking out the door at 9:15. 

There he was.   Sunglasses on.  No apologies.  DP never apologized for being late.  It drove me crazy.  He didn’t have a car seat, so, I had to give him mine. 

Right there in the middle of the Fred Meyer parking lot, Ellie had a breakdown.  She did not want to go. She was screaming and had a hold on me I will never forget, but was about to get used to.  She would put both her arms and her legs around me and I could have let go with my arms and she would have still been attached.  We were in public and I am sure that people wondered what we were doing to this child.  DP stood there doing nothing as I was trying to console her.  It would have helped if he said something like: “it will be okay, we will have fun” or “let’s do ____ today”  or, “I know this is hard, but we are going to have a great day”… but the fact that he was literally silent and looking away and not at her, was so unhelpful.  Finally I told him that he was going to have to literally peel her off of me and take her or it wasn’t going to happen. 

Well, that method or idea went over like a lead balloon. The kid was not going to come off.  We struggled for a good 30 minutes in the parking lot and finally got Ellie into her car.  I pleaded with him to call me if it continued and they were off.  And my heart was broken. 

Things only got worse.  

Visits with a Stranger

I had only met JH once before.  It was in a grocery store and it was very brief.  DP and I had been there together and by chance we had run into her.  It was very uncomfortable because she wasn’t someone he talked about often and when he did, she was not what I had pictured in my mind. 

I knew very little about her other than she and DP had dated several years, after that she had met her current husband and now apparently they lived close to Ellie and me. 

The timing of the “supervised visitations” was to be set up between us (JH and me).  It would be 2 hours on Saturday morning and 2 hours on Wednesday evening.  I was beside myself with fear.  I had, of course, left Ellie with the daycare provider and my family.  But this was different.  And though 4 hours a week doesn’t sound like a lot of time, 360 minutes of my baby being with people she doesn’t have a clue who they are, someone with an acknowledged drug and alcohol issue who had abandoned the very same person just months before was excruciatingly terrifying. 

The fact that I, in all honesty, had no idea what was happening in that house drove me batty.  The fact that I honestly didn’t even know if DP was there or not kept me up at nights.  The fact that my daughter hated going every single time and at the young age of just under 1 would make gag herself until she threw up made me highly aware that a rocky road was in front of us and I had better be ready to fight for the both of us. 

I remember the first time of dropping her off at JH’s house so vividly.  Packing her up, so little, no idea what was going on.  Singing on the short drive over, trying to keep from crying.  As we pulled up, JH would come down and I would hand Ellie to her.  She would then disappear with Ellie.  Ellie was not happy about it.  Screaming, crying, reaching for me.  I was trying to reassure her that it would be okay and then I couldn’t hold the tears in any longer.  At that point, JH reached out to put her hand on my shoulder and I thought, “how could you?”

My question to her, her mom, her husband has been and will always be, how can they continue to support this man? It flat out boggles my mind.  I will never understand it and I hope to one day get the chance to ask. 

I flinched as she touched me.  “No.” I remember saying.

I handed Ellie to her and said, you are just going to have to take her.  Call me if she doesn’t calm down. 

I could hear her screaming as they walked up the steps.  In my rear view mirror, I saw Ellie looking for me, I saw them enter the apartment and still heard the screams and I couldn’t drive.  I sat in the parking lot for a good 20 minutes as I composed myself and then I drove away. 

Those first few visits that followed were some of the longest “two-hour” chunks of time in my life.  Ellie never went without a fight.  Few words were spoken between JH and me.  He had 4 visits and decided to go to Florida to visit his family.  Family he hadn’t seen in decades.  He would be flying stand-by and had no idea what date he would return; so, I felt lucky to have more time with Ellie.  I also felt that it was a stupid decision as she would never get used to this man, who was her dad. 

He didn’t get back until after the New Year.  We had to start from scratch with the visits and Ellie not feeling comfortable.  Ellie’s birthday is January 11.  I remember there was a visit around that day and the outside of the apartment had balloons on it.  I thought it was a kind gesture.  But, something in me knew something was off.  I pulled to the side of the complex to just take a look.  It wasn’t just JH, DP and Ellie.  There were at least a dozen people who entered the apartment that Saturday morning.  I was filled with rage.  My thing was this.  Here was a man who wanted to get to know his daughter better.  He had been given 4 hours a week to do that.  As the state and the Judge said, those hours were for him.  He should, in my belief and the state’s be using them to get to know her.  To play with her.  To dote on her.  Not to host a party. 

I came back to get Ellie at the regular time that day.  The decorations on the door were down.  I asked JH what they had done that day.  “Nothing special” was her response.  As my head fumed and my heart raced, I drove off, now knowing what I had already suspected, even the person who was doing the supervised visits couldn’t be trusted.

I contacted my new lawyer the following day and let him know the progress of things.  His suggestion was to start keeping a diary of what I saw, how often thing got changed and what was happening at the visits.  We would put in a motion to go back to court and get child support and also try to explain exactly what should be happening at the visits as well as what was happening. 

Through emails, Saturday visits became Sunday visits because JH had a dentist appointment or a meeting.  Wednesday nights became Thursday nights because she had to work late.  I was juggling several balls and could keep nothing consistent. 

I became somewhat of a Private Detective, in my own right. I’d drive away after dropping Ellie off and then park on a side street and try to see what was happening.  It was fine, there wasn’t much I would be accomplishing during the 2 hours away anyway.  Driving to my house, thinking about Ellie, pacing, driving back to get her.  At least now I was conserving fuel. 

JH’s mom came nearly every time.  She’d leave before I came back to pick Ellie up.  I don’t know what her deal is/was with Ellie nor do I have yet to understand the whole relationship with her and DP.

At one point I got so frustrated with it all that I faced JH. 

“JH, I have it on camera.” I told her. 

“What?” she asked?

“The comings and goings of people.” I said. “How many times does DP leave early?”

“Everyday” she said.  Looking me straight in the eyes. 

As I let that statement sink in, because it was actually brand new news to me, I didn’t have anything on camera, I was so bloody irate.  Who was Ellie having visitations with? And for what? JH, her husband and her mom? I grabbed Ellie out of her hands, drove a few feet away, so she could not see me and had a full out melt down.  Why was this happening?

Court date was scheduled for the following week to try to get child support and hopefully put and end to this insanity.

Supervised Visitations

Court is a surreal thing.  You are there, either with representation, or without.  1 or 2 people sitting on either side of the room; and the Judge in front.  “The Bar” separates those people and the rest who are there for either the case in front of the Judge at that time or another that might be being heard after.  There are generally 2 other people in front of the bar; the person keeping the notes, and another -  an assistant to the Judge. 

All of this continues day in and day out.  The idea that one man or one lady… the Judge here, has the final ruling on what happens is what baffles me.  Sure, you want to believe in our system, you want to hope that this Judge is going to know all that has taken place and have the person’s best interest at heart that they should (the child in family court), but do they? Do they spend enough time with each case to understand the idiosyncrasies of each case, or is it that each case is somewhat like a cookie cutter case and while some of the insides change just a little bit, the Judge wants the outside to look the same and will do whatever it is to make that happen?

I am a true believer that our system, the one we have in this glorious, rich, beautiful country of ours, is broken.  And it hurts those that it should protect, the children.

DP sat on the stand, sworn in and admitted to leaving.  He admitted to using cocaine, he admitted to using meth, marijuana and alcohol.  And then he said, that he was clean now.  He further explained that he came back because he wanted to have a life with his child and he was a different man then most.  Most men, especially black men, he went on, would just stay away, but, he, oh, he, wanted to be in his child’s life and was ready to do so. 

While I heard these words I knew we would be okay.  Surely, after admitting that he was a drug user, he would have to go through some kind of testing or counseling before anything else happened.  Ellie would certainly be safe from this man, a mystery man at this point in her life. 

My lawyer went on to question him.  She asked about the times he was in the psychiatric ward.  She asked if he took the medicine prescribed to him.  Or course he didn’t, I thought, and I was thrilled as I was sitting taller in my seat.  We are going to walk out of here and this is going to OVER.

When it came my time for questions, I was able to talk about the time that DP left.  The time that he was on all 4’s over me.  How scared I had become, the restraining order I had just gotten.  I talked about living at my aunts, I talked about my fear of him and how I felt that he added nothing to Ellie’s life as he was right now, but perhaps if he got help, we could revisit it later. 

As I sat down, the judge already had his ruling, he explained that he thought DP was right, not many men would come back.  It was good that he wanted to be involved and this was the first step.  He would have supervised visitation.

As the words came out of the Judge’s mouth, I saw my small daughter in my eyes and my heart fell to the floor.  I was in shock.  Had he not heard that he was going to make our lives’ a living hell? Had he not heard that he was a drug user? And who was he to believe he had stopped? Was he looking at the same man that I was?

Before I could make sense of anything, as the tears were rolling down my face the Judge said, that we would have to pick a supervisor.  I had always known of supervised visitations to be done by the state and for the parent doing the visiting to have to pay for them.  My lawyer suggested just that and the Judge, again, in my opinion, pro-DP, said that since “dad” didn’t have any money and didn’t have a job there would be no way for him to pay. So, let’s be fair and figure out another way. 

I’m sorry what?

Huh?

Did I just hear all that correctly?

So, because he is a worthless bastard who is living off the state, let’s give him pity and have WHO supervise my precious daughter and him???

As the Judge looked at me and said, “Mom, do you know anyone who would be willing to do the supervising?” I nearly became unglued.  Well, I did come unglued.  I started to explain how wrong I thought this all was and that nothing here seemed right and that he should be tested for drugs and he should be in counseling and that someone for the state should supervise.  It fell on deaf ears. 

The Judge repeated, “mom, any suggestions?”

I didn’t have any.  No one I knew would want to be around him.  I was stunned.  It was all moving so fast.  I shook my head no. 

“Dad, any suggestions?”

“Yes.”

Again, my mouth fell to the floor.  What on Earth was this man going to suggest?

“I’d like to suggest JH.”

Well, JH happens to be his ex-girlfriend.  Was he serious? As I said before, she was there.  The judge asked if she was willing to do it.  Of course she was.  Then he turned to me:

“Mom, and objections?”

“Yes, too many to know where to start.”

“Well,” said the Judge, “if you don’t have another person, this is who we are going to go with.  I will give you 3 minutes”

In the end, I had no one else to go with.  It would end up being JH, DP’s ex-girlfriend.  She and her husband lived in an apartment not far from Ellie and me.  Visitations would be once on every weekend for 2 hours and once during the week for 2 hours.  I would take Ellie there, meet JH in the parking lot and pick her up after.  The only people who were supposed to be in the apartment were DP, JH and Ellie.  But, who is to know if that is so or not.  Just one month shy of her 1 year birthday, I was taking Ellie to a woman she didn’t know, in a parking lot, handing her over, for her to take up to a man that she didn’t know.   And so, supervised-visitations began.