To Unsupervised Visits... No!

Visitation like this went on for a year and a half.  I continued to have no way of having a way of knowing whether DP was there or not.  It was a horrible feeling.  The “relationship” between JH and me went downhill as I lost more and more respect for her. 

I showed up on time, I always packed food and asked that they used that.  They never did.

Ellie didn’t want to go and as she got older was able to ask why? I didn’t have an answer.  But, I was cautious to never put him down.  It was in our signed agreement with the Judge.  Never to speak ill of the other person and I took it to heart.  I didn’t know what to tell her for why.  I just told her that we had to.  I explained that it was at least quick and that before long we would be together again. 

She could explain what they did now. Which was generally, nothing.  He would cook.  Not necessarily for her.  But, just cook.  And JH would play with her. 

Every time we went, there were tears.  There was a struggle. She did not want JH to touch her, she wanted to stay with me.  Again, I was forced to say, “go”.  It was what the law had said.  She asked me to watch as she walked up the stairs and I watched every time until she was indoors safely.   Sometimes I would just move to another place to see who was coming and going.  Sometimes I would just go up the street and do a little grocery shopping, sometimes I would just drive home, lie under the covers and cry until it was time to get her. 

It never got easier. 

I kept track of everything. 

Sadly, my lawyer saw no reason to go back.  The reality was that the Judge was clearly on DP’s side. He was not going to favor me for anything.

At this point, it was easier to not shake the boat than to do anything.  DP was seeing her very rarely and even though it was hard, he was canceling more than visits were actually happening.  So, I felt we were  in a relatively good position, all things considered.  I could only explain so much to Ellie and she would, I hope, one day understand it all, well, as much as I did.

When Ellie turned 3 and a half the visits were to change from supervised to unsupervised. 

DP, who had never been alone with Ellie now would get her every other weekend Saturday 9am- Sunday 5pm.  And every other Wednesday 5:30-8. 

This was terrifying to me.

Ellie at this point was a very vocal child.  She was very vocal about her interest, or lack thereof, in going to see her dad. 

We met at a mutual place.  The Fred Meyers on Beaverton Hillsdale Hwy.  It was because of the restraining order I had against him.  I will tell you this.  If it was going to be my time to have my daughter on my own for the first time, I would have been there with bells and whistles as early as possible.  Not him.  He overslept.  I got a text the first day he was to have her at 9:06 and he said, “alarm didn’t go off, I’m on my way.”

Really?

Oh, the ghost of Christmas Future…

There was a piece in our plan that said we had to wait 15 minutes for the person to arrive and that would not be considered late. Why there was even a starting time, is beyond me, then.  This comes into play in a pretty major way later on.  Our time to start out was 9am Saturday morning and he kept her to Sunday at 5pm.  

Which also meant he could show up at 5:15 and not get that “counted against him” so to speak. 

I grew up that if you are there on time, you are late.  My family was always the first to get there, wherever THERE was.  My father instilled promptness in me and I intend to instill it in my daughter.  I think it is a great attribute to have.  Getting a screaming 3 year old out the door, with a mother who is also in tears, but trying desperately to hide it is not easy in the mornings, but I will tell you I can count on 1 finger the times we were late. 

We would walk in, sit on a bench and I would try to “entertain” Ms Ellie while we waited.  She would ask, is it time to go? Can we go? Can we go now? Because she knew at 9:15, I was walking out the door and not looking back.  The employees of Fred Meyer got to know us very well.  I spent a large portion of the next few years on that bench.  The new schedule for visits were every other weekend Saturday 9-Sunday at 5.  And every other Wednesday 5:30-8.  Or in DP world 5:45-8:15.  Ellie is an early sleeper and these nights were tough as she goes to bed, yes still, at 7pm.  So, she was beyond consolable by the time I got her. 

I would say the new schedule was one of those times I said to myself “it can’t get much worse than this.” Just that feeling of not knowing what he was doing.  The feeling of her being so helpless.  The sheer terror as she got ready to go and didn’t want to go.  I knew in my gut something was wrong.  But, how do you explain a gut feeling from a frightened mom to anyone? How do you take what you are feeling and make anyone of authority listen to you? Believe me… you don’t.  I tried. 

The first time he finally showed up after “the alarm” incident, we were walking out the door at 9:15. 

There he was.   Sunglasses on.  No apologies.  DP never apologized for being late.  It drove me crazy.  He didn’t have a car seat, so, I had to give him mine. 

Right there in the middle of the Fred Meyer parking lot, Ellie had a breakdown.  She did not want to go. She was screaming and had a hold on me I will never forget, but was about to get used to.  She would put both her arms and her legs around me and I could have let go with my arms and she would have still been attached.  We were in public and I am sure that people wondered what we were doing to this child.  DP stood there doing nothing as I was trying to console her.  It would have helped if he said something like: “it will be okay, we will have fun” or “let’s do ____ today”  or, “I know this is hard, but we are going to have a great day”… but the fact that he was literally silent and looking away and not at her, was so unhelpful.  Finally I told him that he was going to have to literally peel her off of me and take her or it wasn’t going to happen. 

Well, that method or idea went over like a lead balloon. The kid was not going to come off.  We struggled for a good 30 minutes in the parking lot and finally got Ellie into her car.  I pleaded with him to call me if it continued and they were off.  And my heart was broken. 

Things only got worse.