Visits with a Stranger

I had only met JH once before.  It was in a grocery store and it was very brief.  DP and I had been there together and by chance we had run into her.  It was very uncomfortable because she wasn’t someone he talked about often and when he did, she was not what I had pictured in my mind. 

I knew very little about her other than she and DP had dated several years, after that she had met her current husband and now apparently they lived close to Ellie and me. 

The timing of the “supervised visitations” was to be set up between us (JH and me).  It would be 2 hours on Saturday morning and 2 hours on Wednesday evening.  I was beside myself with fear.  I had, of course, left Ellie with the daycare provider and my family.  But this was different.  And though 4 hours a week doesn’t sound like a lot of time, 360 minutes of my baby being with people she doesn’t have a clue who they are, someone with an acknowledged drug and alcohol issue who had abandoned the very same person just months before was excruciatingly terrifying. 

The fact that I, in all honesty, had no idea what was happening in that house drove me batty.  The fact that I honestly didn’t even know if DP was there or not kept me up at nights.  The fact that my daughter hated going every single time and at the young age of just under 1 would make gag herself until she threw up made me highly aware that a rocky road was in front of us and I had better be ready to fight for the both of us. 

I remember the first time of dropping her off at JH’s house so vividly.  Packing her up, so little, no idea what was going on.  Singing on the short drive over, trying to keep from crying.  As we pulled up, JH would come down and I would hand Ellie to her.  She would then disappear with Ellie.  Ellie was not happy about it.  Screaming, crying, reaching for me.  I was trying to reassure her that it would be okay and then I couldn’t hold the tears in any longer.  At that point, JH reached out to put her hand on my shoulder and I thought, “how could you?”

My question to her, her mom, her husband has been and will always be, how can they continue to support this man? It flat out boggles my mind.  I will never understand it and I hope to one day get the chance to ask. 

I flinched as she touched me.  “No.” I remember saying.

I handed Ellie to her and said, you are just going to have to take her.  Call me if she doesn’t calm down. 

I could hear her screaming as they walked up the steps.  In my rear view mirror, I saw Ellie looking for me, I saw them enter the apartment and still heard the screams and I couldn’t drive.  I sat in the parking lot for a good 20 minutes as I composed myself and then I drove away. 

Those first few visits that followed were some of the longest “two-hour” chunks of time in my life.  Ellie never went without a fight.  Few words were spoken between JH and me.  He had 4 visits and decided to go to Florida to visit his family.  Family he hadn’t seen in decades.  He would be flying stand-by and had no idea what date he would return; so, I felt lucky to have more time with Ellie.  I also felt that it was a stupid decision as she would never get used to this man, who was her dad. 

He didn’t get back until after the New Year.  We had to start from scratch with the visits and Ellie not feeling comfortable.  Ellie’s birthday is January 11.  I remember there was a visit around that day and the outside of the apartment had balloons on it.  I thought it was a kind gesture.  But, something in me knew something was off.  I pulled to the side of the complex to just take a look.  It wasn’t just JH, DP and Ellie.  There were at least a dozen people who entered the apartment that Saturday morning.  I was filled with rage.  My thing was this.  Here was a man who wanted to get to know his daughter better.  He had been given 4 hours a week to do that.  As the state and the Judge said, those hours were for him.  He should, in my belief and the state’s be using them to get to know her.  To play with her.  To dote on her.  Not to host a party. 

I came back to get Ellie at the regular time that day.  The decorations on the door were down.  I asked JH what they had done that day.  “Nothing special” was her response.  As my head fumed and my heart raced, I drove off, now knowing what I had already suspected, even the person who was doing the supervised visits couldn’t be trusted.

I contacted my new lawyer the following day and let him know the progress of things.  His suggestion was to start keeping a diary of what I saw, how often thing got changed and what was happening at the visits.  We would put in a motion to go back to court and get child support and also try to explain exactly what should be happening at the visits as well as what was happening. 

Through emails, Saturday visits became Sunday visits because JH had a dentist appointment or a meeting.  Wednesday nights became Thursday nights because she had to work late.  I was juggling several balls and could keep nothing consistent. 

I became somewhat of a Private Detective, in my own right. I’d drive away after dropping Ellie off and then park on a side street and try to see what was happening.  It was fine, there wasn’t much I would be accomplishing during the 2 hours away anyway.  Driving to my house, thinking about Ellie, pacing, driving back to get her.  At least now I was conserving fuel. 

JH’s mom came nearly every time.  She’d leave before I came back to pick Ellie up.  I don’t know what her deal is/was with Ellie nor do I have yet to understand the whole relationship with her and DP.

At one point I got so frustrated with it all that I faced JH. 

“JH, I have it on camera.” I told her. 

“What?” she asked?

“The comings and goings of people.” I said. “How many times does DP leave early?”

“Everyday” she said.  Looking me straight in the eyes. 

As I let that statement sink in, because it was actually brand new news to me, I didn’t have anything on camera, I was so bloody irate.  Who was Ellie having visitations with? And for what? JH, her husband and her mom? I grabbed Ellie out of her hands, drove a few feet away, so she could not see me and had a full out melt down.  Why was this happening?

Court date was scheduled for the following week to try to get child support and hopefully put and end to this insanity.