Now, some might say I told Ellie too much about what was happening in the courts. I told her when court dates were. I answered questions to the best of my ability without talking badly about DP, except when it came to what he done to her (that was in the court agreement and I didn't ever want to jeopardize that should she be put on the stand and have to say something about how I spoke about him). I was honest with her. As honest as I could be given the circumstances. Many would think too open. But the reality is SHE was living this life. It was hers to live. It was me and her. And, how could I keep things secret?
I did my very best to not break down in front of her. I hid my emotions to the best of my ability.
The hurtful part came when I thought we would be okay in a court room and we weren't. I felt as if I had promised something to her and I let her down. And that happened often. Reality is, I never promised. But, it still felt like I was letting her down.
March 22 was a big day. We were going to have testimony, we were going to make some big decisions and my hope, our hope was that DP would have every right as a parent taken away. There was no way it would go any other way.
After all, we had the detective coming, we had the affidavit from Ellie's therapist, DJ, we had my testimony, we could put DP on the stand. We had the information from CARES. Everything was in our corner. I had the lawyer. I had the team. I had dotted my i's and crossed my t's with such care along the way. There was nothing that I had missed.
I put on my "lawyer suit" and Ellie, who was home from Spring Break kissed me good-bye with a giant shout of "go get 'em, mom, I know you will win!"
With tears in my eyes, I headed toward the courthouse. Oh, how I hated that drive.
DR met me at about 9:30, she saw I looked nervous and reassured me we were fine.
Then, in he walked, still without counsel. His cocky demeanor. So sure of himself and not feeling bad at all for what he had done and how he had changed our world. DP stood there, looking ragged and thin. I could only look so long before having to divert my eyes. The sight of him sent shivers up and down my back. He was disgusting in my eyes.
****
We rose as the Judge walked in. And I sat with a deep sigh of hope. I had been praying that the Judge had read the affidavit, and had read the whole folder from CARES and had remembered OUR case. OUR case. Not a cookie-cutter case. But OURS.
"I've read the information on the case," the Judge started.
YES, I thought.
"And it occurs to me, that this father has not seen his daughter in nearly a year."
Wait... why does that matter? Where are we going with this? My heart was probably visible with how quickly it was pounding.
"I think it is time he starts seeing her."
As I began to stand, my lawyer put her arm in my lap as if to stop me. She was right to do this. What was I thinking? I was getting ready to yell out "OBJECTION" in my loudest and strongest voice.
Instead, my lawyer, DR, did this. After all, that was what she was there for.
She calmly asked, aren't we going to hear any of the testimony we were prepared to give? The same testimony we were prepared to give last time? Weren't we going to discuss what DJ had said about Ellie seeing DP? There was a half-day set aside for our case... weren't we going to use any of that time to actually have a hearing?
No, oddly enough, the answer was no.
Tears started gushing down my face as I saw Ellie's face in my eyes. The horror of me having to go home and tell her. And yet, I tried hard to stay in the moment. What on Earth was happening here?
I couldn't believe any of it. A nightmare right in front of me. Around me. Wait. It was my nightmare.
As it continued to play out, I realized the Judge was asking me questions and I really did have to be present. He was saying that the visits would be supervised. Okay, I nodded, face full of tears.
My lawyer stood again.
"We ask because of the circumstances of what the father did that the visits be supervised by someone in the legal system," she said. Of course, I thought. That is a no-brainer.
"Come on Council," the Judge replied. "He hasn't worked in years. He doesn't have money to pay for a supervisor."
As the words hung in the air, I started to panic. What was going to happen? What were they going to do with Ellie and how could it be stopped?
"With all due respect, your honor," my lawyer tried again... and she was cut off.
The panic crept up and the ability to breath was actually being cut off. I looked at my lawyer as if to say, "save me. Save Ellie." She rested her hand on my arm and said, "hold on."
The Judge asked if there was anyone we knew of who would supervise visitation and before the word completely came out of his mouth, a hand popped up from the courtroom. It belonged to L. If I know her last name, I am forgetting it now. She is JH's mom. JH was DP's girlfriend long ago.
This is a lady who once stopped Ellie in a grocery store and told her to come to her. She was maybe 20 feet from me and as I approached with Ellie she said to me, "I only asked for Ellie to come." I took Ellie's hand and walked away. I didn't know her from Eve. I asked Ellie who she was and Ellie told me her name, but how dare you say that to me in front of my child.
Oh Hell No, I was thinking. She will not be the supervisor. And, PS... we are not having supervised visitations. So, start your magic DR and get us out of this...
But, she couldn't. We ended the day and the discussion with the Judge set in his mind that supervised visits were going to happen. And, not just that, they were going to happen with L being in charge. My issue with that came on several reasons. First of all as far as "sides" were concerned, she was clearly on "his." She could say she was supervising and then leave them alone. She had no training in supervision. She, in fact, was not a trained person in the legal issues whatsoever.
The end result was that visits would be every Saturday from 9-12 starting this Saturday (just 4 days away). L would be supervising. They would come to get Ellie and they would be required to drive directly back to L's house and stay there until it was time to come back. L was not to leave them out of her sight.
I could not keep my mouth shut on this point. It was like breathing for me. I HAD to say something . I actually stood up and my mouth started moving and before I knew it, I was out of control. Who was to say that she was going to say anything should something happen?
The brilliant Judge actually said, "your daughter told you once, why wouldn't she tell you again?".
I relied, "at that time it would again, be after the fact and again, be too late."
I stopped myself and thought, am I in a horrible Law and Order series? This is insane.
I was defeated. I sat down in the courtroom, heavy. I could not get Ellie's face out of my head. I was starting to panic. What would I tell her. Walking into this day there was no way, literally none. 0% that I would have ended in this way. It was so far from my head. I would never have thought that Ellie would end up seeing DP. NEVER.
The gavel was struck, and it was over.
As I got up the energy to walk out of the door of the court room, L was there waiting for me. My eyes were puffy, tears were freely flowing down my face and I had no desire to see her. DP was not in the hallway or anywhere to be seen. She asked to have a conversation with me. The people associated with my case came closer to me. DR jumped in to see what it was about, "everything that needed to be said, has been said."
L said, "I just would like her to change her attitude." she told DR.
And it was on. "Change MY attitude? What are you talking about? You are the one who approached MY daughter in a grocery store. She doesn't even like you, L. She is scared of you. She will hate that she has to see you and it will worry her more that you are involved. I will pretend that things are fine in front of Ellie for HER, but how dare you ask me to change MY attitude. I DO NOT approve of this."
L said "Ellie loves me and she loves her dad. She will be thrilled to see us."
At that DR jumped in.
"Let's remember that you, (looking at L) haven't see Ellie for quite some time. Let's also remember that this whole entire thing is for Ellie. This change will probably be tougher than anyone can dream of. I think everyone involved needs to do whatever they can to make it easy for her." With that L turned and walked out and I sat on the bench and cried.
I could not keep my mouth shut on this point. It was like breathing for me. I HAD to say something . I actually stood up and my mouth started moving and before I knew it, I was out of control. Who was to say that she was going to say anything should something happen?
The brilliant Judge actually said, "your daughter told you once, why wouldn't she tell you again?".
I relied, "at that time it would again, be after the fact and again, be too late."
I stopped myself and thought, am I in a horrible Law and Order series? This is insane.
I was defeated. I sat down in the courtroom, heavy. I could not get Ellie's face out of my head. I was starting to panic. What would I tell her. Walking into this day there was no way, literally none. 0% that I would have ended in this way. It was so far from my head. I would never have thought that Ellie would end up seeing DP. NEVER.
The gavel was struck, and it was over.
As I got up the energy to walk out of the door of the court room, L was there waiting for me. My eyes were puffy, tears were freely flowing down my face and I had no desire to see her. DP was not in the hallway or anywhere to be seen. She asked to have a conversation with me. The people associated with my case came closer to me. DR jumped in to see what it was about, "everything that needed to be said, has been said."
L said, "I just would like her to change her attitude." she told DR.
And it was on. "Change MY attitude? What are you talking about? You are the one who approached MY daughter in a grocery store. She doesn't even like you, L. She is scared of you. She will hate that she has to see you and it will worry her more that you are involved. I will pretend that things are fine in front of Ellie for HER, but how dare you ask me to change MY attitude. I DO NOT approve of this."
L said "Ellie loves me and she loves her dad. She will be thrilled to see us."
At that DR jumped in.
"Let's remember that you, (looking at L) haven't see Ellie for quite some time. Let's also remember that this whole entire thing is for Ellie. This change will probably be tougher than anyone can dream of. I think everyone involved needs to do whatever they can to make it easy for her." With that L turned and walked out and I sat on the bench and cried.
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