Life Returns to Our Normal

I was so worried when Ellie came home that she would not bounce back and be the Ellie I knew before. She was thrilled to be home.  She wanted to touch everything, play with all her toys and was so excited to be able to sleep in her own bed.

Bell was equally happy. Finally coming downstairs, our dog was now back to normal.

Ellie had missed a full week of school.  Her classmates had sent her some notes in the hospital and her teacher sent a sweet note with her homework that had each student signing something for Ellie.  We went through it the weekend after she got home.  She had a lot of homework to do to get caught up.

Ellie was clingy, but seemed okay.  She talked often about what her stay was like in the hospital, but never brought up the visits - or I should say possibility of visits - with DP.  I didn't want to bring it up either.

That first couple of days she was home was a birthday party at our neighbors.  We had, of course, planned to go before she ended up in the hospital.  I didn't know if she would want to go with the circumstances that had happened.  When Sunday came and I threw the idea out, she asked if I would stay, and I was planning on it, and she said that she wanted to go.  I was thrilled.

I was antsy to get life back to normal, but didn't want to push things.  She was again, a bit clingy, but did really well with all the kids.  I watched with tears in my eyes so happy that my girl was back.  Whenever she smiled, I got teary... she was going to be okay.

When Monday rolled around, I wondered how she would do at school.  We rehearsed what she would say if kids asked where she has been all week. She didn't want to tell them why she was in the hospital just yet.  The anxiety that I felt was unwarranted.  She did great.

The next few weeks Ellie snapped back into being her old self.  She found her joy again and I was ecstatic.  The things she learned in the hospital followed us and she continued to amaze me every day.

She continued to go to therapy weekly.


The second week of April brought the news that DP had hired an attorney, JPB.  He was a new attorney, just out of school.

He was not the only new attorney in our lives.  April also brought SH to our lives. She was Ellie's new lawyer.  We got to meet her face to face for the first time at our house.  She came over to meet Ellie on Ellie's turf.  It was pretty amazing.  It was as if she had been a part of our lives forever.  Ellie had no fear in meeting her and let her story unfold right in front of SH.  I was touched by how great they got along.  I let the two of them be alone.  Sure enough, Ellie touched her as well.


The amazing part of this whole process is that Ellie had often been forgotten in the courtroom.  I feel like the Judge often ruled for what he thought might be best for DP.  Occasionally lately, maybe what might be best for me.  And, he often guessed what would be best for Ellie,. Even saying things like, "I am sure if Ellie were here she would say,... " Never was he right.  I felt like I was the one who knew her the most, and knew what she would say if she were there.  JR was always very far off.

The odd thing is that no one asked her.  When asked, she would gladly tell you.  Perhaps even to the point of it making it somewhat awkward.  I didn't mind.  I thought she was better of talking than me telling her to keep quiet.  She wanted nothing to do with DP.  She wished he would go to jail.  She wanted him to know how badly he hurt her and she never wanted to see him again.  Shouldn't we constantly be doing what was best for Ellie? 


That was SH's role.  


As for DP's new lawyer, he was a tool.  He spoke about Ellie, referring to her as "the girl.".  I was ashamed FOR him. 


We would end up going back to court in May.  Just a month and a half after Ellie had been released from the hospital.  


My side would be ready. We had the lady from DHS, the detective who was on our case, Ellie's therapist, Ellie's attorney, and myself ready to testify.   

Ellie Gets Released

 Bell, our dog was missing Ellie too. She did not come downstairs (where are bedrooms are) once that week.  It was the saddest thing I have seen from Bell. She sat, waiting, by our big windows for her Ellie to return.  

Thursday morning meant court.  I would have to face him again.  I had to catch a flight at 12:30 to go to Spokane for work.  That meant missing lunch and dinner with Ellie.  My mom would pitch hit.  I was rushed, but if court meant missing my flight, so be it.

We had Ellie's therapist and me ready to testify. I still was weepy, but ready to be stoic when I needed.  

We rose, as JR came in.  

He, without hearing a word from anyone, said that he was giving me/us 6 months of not seeing DP.  At that time, we would come back and resume.  He apologized again about what had happened and said that he had made a mistake.  The first time I felt things were not one-sided AND not in my favor.  

I didn't have time to chit-chat with my lawyer, nor did I particularly want to - and I knew if I hurried to the airport, I could stop on the way and see Ellie.  I asked her therapist if it was okay (I would be breaking the rules of visiting) and she said, absolutely, it is what Ellie needed.  

I raced to the hospital, got to the locked door and was let in to see Ellie. She came down the hall (not knowing about court) and asked why I was there.  I told her I had some good news.  We went to her room and I told her about that morning.  As soon as the last word left my mouth, Ellie said, the words I had been aching to hear, "I want to come home.  When can I?" 

ahhhhh... music to my ears.  My girl wants to come home.  I was so happy.  

I didn't know if she was ready, though. 

I told her that I would find out and let her know.  I explained I had to run and I would not see her later, but I would call.  

On the way out, I called Dr J, her therapist and asked if she could come home.  She would get back to me. 

*******

Friday morning about 10, a call from the hospital.  "Do you want to come and get Ellie?" 

The drive to the hospital had never been so long.  I was going to get Ellie.  What I thought originally would be 2 nights had turned into 7.  And, what I feared was that she would never be the same.  I worried that the spark was gone forever.  I worried that this whole experience had changed her.  I was terrified, but so excited to have her well enough to come home.  

She was packed and ready to go when I arrived.   We shared the biggest hug possible when we met.  (we always say, I'm going to hug you until you pop... I definitely popped!).  

I had Bell waiting in the car.  It was as if Christmas had arrived for both of them.  So much love in the car! 

*******

As I look back on the time in the hospital, I cannot say how good it was for Ellie.  It saved her.  It also made her a better person.  I was worried that she would not snap back, but she did. And she knows so many more coping skills.  

The doctors and nurses there were amazing.  The art therapy and music therapy she did matured her enough to handle this situation.  She learned something she still uses today: Keep your hands and feet to yourself, Listen to the person who is talking, Be respectful.  Those 3 things were the 3 mantras of the hospital.  Simple enough for every patient to understand and yet so powerful that she has uses those even years later.  I am thankful to my core for those who helped save Ellie. 

Court: Twice in One Week

Visits with Ellie went well on Sunday.  She, again, was okay.  She had figured out which of the boys “played nicely” and which didn’t.  She was now allowed to shut her room door, which occurred after being there a couple days.  We had only planned on her staying a couple nights, so I had to bring extra clothes with me.  No one was talking about her getting out just yet.

I knew as soon as Monday hit I would be knee deep in legal bullshit.  I was not looking forward to it. 

After nearly 7 years in the game, I was right. 

The day started with my lawyer calling to check in on Ellie.  Further she had sent an email that was intended to “patch things up” after my explosion with DP and L on Sunday and that was fine with me.  Third, she told me that DP was putting up a fight about Ellie getting her own lawyer.  And we had to be in court Tuesday. 

Tell me which show this happens on.  Is this the longer version of Law and Order that I never did see? Was there a Perry Mason summer that I missed because I remember watching every episode in the summers with my dad.  You are going to deny your daughter a lawyer?  My lawyer had never heard of anyone have to appear in court for this.  But, well, welcome to my court case.

From what I understand of the law in Oregon, and perhaps it is so elsewhere as well, if a child requests a lawyer, they get one.  Period.  End of story. 

So why would we be appearing? And why now?

Alas…

I tried to function best I could, working in the hours I wasn’t with her and visiting when I was allowed.  She missed Bell, missed me, but never once asked about coming home.  It broke my heart.  But, now, I know she was where she needed to be. 

The nurses and doctors there were so fantastic.  I adored each and every one of them and they adored my daughter.  I got compliments on her behavior each time I went.   I also got so much insight into what was going on in her head.  The days there were so good for her.

It was one of the hardest, if not the hardest times in my life. 

I remember feeling so lost.  So heavy.  So sad. 

It was hard because the question was constantly asked, “why” did the judge make these ridiculous decisions leading up to Ellie being where she was.  I, of course, had asked those same questions time and again.  But things shifted in my mind.  It no longer became about asking why.   The reality was we were here.  And we would never know why.  We needed to face the reality and try to move on.  It was a huge mental shift for me. 

It also became a reason I couldn’t talk to really anyone.  I didn’t want to hear the question of “why.” I had no answer.  I just knew Ellie was in a very bad place emotionally.  One that I never saw for my daughter.  And, now was the time to figure out what the next step was.

I had to contact the school and let them know Ellie would be out for a bit.  It was the little things that proved the hardest this week. 

Tuesday morning was time for a court appearance, while my daughter was still in the hospital, and a time to go face to face with the two men, I believe put her there.  DP and the judge.  The question before us was did Ellie deserve to have her own lawyer.  By all accounts there was nothing saying she shouldn’t.  It should be a pretty straight forward court visit.  Just, as the others, costly.

My stomach turned as I was back in the place I hated so much.  I saw DP and his posse – L, JH, her husband SH and now JH’s sister, KH. 

The “honorable Judge R” came out and we were seated.  He quickly started things by saying he had heard about the current state of things and he was sorry to hear about how things were.  He did not make eye-contact.  But, he did apologize.  DP joined in when there was a voice of “thank you, your honor.” From my lawyer and I.  Ever confusing.

Judge R said that the question at hand was whether Ellie could have her own lawyer or not and that in the state of Oregon it was the law that Children simply needed to state their desires to have one.  He then held up Ellie’s written document asking for one. 

He asked if DP had any questions.  He didn’t.  And that was all. 

Really?

We needed to appear in court for that? Does anyone have any sense of how much this is costing me?

On with the day, I went to see Ellie and told her the good news. 

The calls I had missed while in court, included a couple from Ellie's school telling me that she had not shown up for school and asking did I know she was absent.  Was I really going to have to call every morning and tell them that she still was in the hospital? 

I heard from my lawyer later in the day.  We would be going back to court Thursday to get an immediate danger filed to stop visitation that was previously ordered because of Ellie’s delicate health.  This week could prove to be very long.  We would have her doctor there ready to testify.  I would testify and we would hope that the Judge would grant it.

I was certain that by then Ellie would be home.

How wrong I was.  

The Hospital

** As a reminder, this occurred last year. March 2011. 

The doors closed and my eyes filled with tears.  And then it was all over.  I was a puddle. 

My mom and I embraced and cried.  For, I have no idea how long.  We were outside the locked door on the floor that kept Ellie safe. 

We decided to meet at my house.  I had no desire to talk to anyone.  I wanted to crawl under the covers of my bed and stay there until I could have my daughter back.  This was not what our lives were suppose to be like.

I knew I had to let some people know.  I had several messages.  I hadn’t realized how long we had been in the hospital – but it had been several hours. 

I sent a pretty blanket email to several a group of friends and then called my lawyer.  I knew she had to know.  She wasn’t available, so I called her assistant.  Immediately, I broke into tears retelling the events of the past few days. 

“So, Ellie is in the psychiatric ward?” he asked again, trying to wrap his head around it.

“Yes.” I confirmed.

He said he would have DR call me, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone.  He said he was sorry and we hung up.  The rest of the drive home is a blur.  Once there, my mom insisted I take a shower and then lay down.  My phone was ringing off the hook as news spread among my friends, but again, I was not interested in talking. What was there to say?

I wanted to pick up a few things for Ellie now that I knew a little better what she was facing and so we made a trip to Walgreens before we headed back to see her.  We had really just left.  But, the only visiting times were lunch and dinner so, we were heading back.  I wondered what she would look like and how her day had been.  She was the youngest there at the moment. She was also the only female.  Knowing my Ellie, she was holding her own. 

The routine was you went to a special elevator, went to a special floor which contained 2 locked doors.  One was for the older kids, one the younger.  Each had a phone.   You picked it up and automatically someone at the desk answered.  You identified yourself and if you were on the list of approved visitors, you were let in.  Each time, it was gut-wrenching. Each time, I was reminded that DP was not allowed.  I was reminded at the peace of mind that gave Ellie. 

The first night, I thought would be the hardest.  Afterall, the only time she had been away was with family and once or twice at friends.  This was HUGE.  They talked to me about possibly putting her on some medication to help her sleep.  I had fought medication all this time.  Her therapist had mentioned it before, but I wanted to try not to use it, if at all possible.  And yet, here we were. 

Ellie had had an okay afternoon.  She was okay.  I can’t say she was much better.  She reminded us several times that DP was not allowed on the floor.  That was the saving grace right now.  If that is what was holding her together, then I was all for it.  I would use that too.  We put some things around her room to make it a little brighter.   And watched her eat dinner.  She was happy she was able to order anything she wanted; that was pretty cool.  She introduced us to the boys, in so much as just telling us about them.  They had been nice to her and welcomed her.  There was a nurse she especially loved and who I believed had taken a special liking to Ellie as well.  She felt okay about spending the night. 

I was introduced to a watchman, of sorts, who told me he would be outside Ellie’s room and make sure she was okay and I could call him every hour if I needed to.  I told him to be ready. 

The visiting hour was up too quickly.  I hid a special chocolate bunny for Ellie to find after we left and we hugged and kissed her good night.  She was locked safely behind us. 

My parents left soon after we got home. 

Then it was just me.  I should say, me and Bell. 

It had been awhile since I hadn’t had Ellie around and the house was quiet.  Too quiet.

I called to check on her and she was taking a bath. 

That night I believe I called 3 times.  She was fast asleep each time.  They had given her something to help her sleep. Just some Melatonin at this point.  I think she would have slept, regardless.  It was probably the first time in a long time she truly felt safe.  Like the man who had hurt her so badly could not get her.  She was protected by a locked door and security.  This is where she needed to be.

The following day, Saturday, after no sleep, I was so anxious to see her.  My mom came up to meet her for lunch and we headed over.  She was happy to see us.  She was excited about the small things – once again that she could order pretty much anything, that she had found the chocolate rabbit.  And the big things – DP could not get her.  We checked out the itinerary for the day.  And she seemed okay with everything.  They had art therapy, music therapy, small groups, one-on-ones.  Her therapist happened to be the doctor on call that weekend and she came as well to meet us and talk to me about medication.  At this point, it might be prudent to put Ellie on a low dose anti-depressant.  After talks with a nurse yesterday, she was diagnosed with Suicidal Ideation and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  As much as I was against it initially, I caved.

After visiting with her, my mom headed home. 

I tried to get on with something in my days, but had nothing.  I wanted to curl up and watch the clock until it was time to see her for dinner.  I checked in with my lawyer.  She had sent an email to DP saying that visitation was off (it was suppose to start Sunday) and gave him the reason.  She said that Ellie was in a hospital and had suicidal ideations and needed to be there.  She further asked that he not try to see her and even if he did, he would be turned away.  Monday we would have more information on the legal side. 

I felt good about that.

I decided I needed to get some things for Ellie so I told my close neighbors about what had happened.  Ever lovely and supportive, they listened and let me cry.  They made lovely cards for her so I could take them to her.  It started what would be great colorful things keepsakes for Ellie to enjoy at the hospital and look back on after.

I started to think about my week ahead.  I wanted to be at every single lunch and dinner.  I didn’t want to miss any of them.  This happened to coincide with one of the busiest weeks of work.  I had been scheduled to be out of town two days and didn’t know how to handle it. I also wanted to, of course, be there when she got out and home probably several days after.  By my mom’s advice, I held off on anything because at that point, we didn’t know how long she would be there.  I could make it to most days, missing one lunch and still get to where I needed to be. 

********

Sunday, early, there was a knock on the door. 

It was L and DP.  They were there to get Ellie for the visit.  I had not slept in several days now and I could not believe who was at my door.  This was the last thing I wanted/needed to face.  I don’t remember the last time I had a conversation with DP.  I can’t remember the last time we were face to face. 

I opened the door and L said, “we are here to get Ellie.”

“DP, haven’t you read your email?” I asked, ignoring L.

“Um… have I?” he turned to L.

What the fuck? That was just weird.  Did he just ask her if he checked his email?

“Why?” L asked.

“Is he not capable of having a conversation on his own?” I asked L, now raising my voice.

DP just stood there.  As if he literally weren’t .  Really. 

I wasn’t sure what to make of what I was watching, but I was in no mood. 

“Ellie is in the hospital.  She is not here. Check your email. You have one from Friday.”

“Why is she in the hospital? Which one?” L asked

What the fuck was going on?

“I am not telling you which one.  Neither of you.  She is in there because she is suicidal.”

“She is too young to be suicidal.” L said, obviously having studied child psychology sometime in her past. Who the hell was she telling me this bullshit on my front step?

I became irate.  I was done with this conversation.

“Well, she is not too young. And I am done with this. It is all in the email.  DO NOT try to find her.” I put way too much emphasize on the last part and slammed the door.

I called my lawyer, relayed the story and she said she would need to fix it. She understood, though.  I had apparently stepped over a line.  I should have not yelled, nor should I have told him the last part.  He should have known it from the previous paperwork.  At that point, I didn’t care.  I could have and wanted to say so many other things.  Truth is, she was in there because of him.  I could have and wanted to say that.  I wanted to have him understand that.  But, truth is, he either wasn’t capable or didn’t care.