It has been 4.5 months since our verdict...
Yesterday my phone rang and caller ID said, "lawyer". It made my heart race. I hadn't seen that ID for 4.5 months and, as lovely as my lawyer was, I would be fine never seeing it again.
She was calling with good news. She started the call off with letting me know that. After working with me for 9 years she knows that is how I need to start the call - tell me upfront. Good news or bad news. And then go.
It seems the judge had ruled on the issue of DP having to pay part of my court fees. If you take what has been spent on this last 9 years - My lawyer, Ellie's lawyer, Ellie's therapist, the Psycho-therapist the court appointed, - I could have bought a small island, or possibly two. And having Ellie safe with me, it was a bargain. The best money spent.
According to my lawyer the Judge had ruled that a significant amount of our total must be paid back by DP. She, my lawyer, was surprised by how much the Judge had agreed to. She said it wasn't a regular thing to do. I think she chose to call instead of email me this news because I think she was looking for some excitement from me. I just don't have that feeling. Reality is that I have not, do not, will not get child support from DP... why would anyone in the world think I would ever see a cent of this judgement? What is the saying? Getting blood from a turnip? So, this follows him everywhere... well, if someone could find him, that would be neat and then it could start following him. I just don't really care. The only thing that made me happy is that we are a step closer to being done.
The next step, said DR, is to "close out the case." I needed to give her the okay to do that. Basically, as I understand it, she tells the courts that this case is over and if DP (or anyone for that matter) wants to reopen it they have to go through me rather than through her. Again, I don't care much because I don't THINK anything more will happen. The only thing I care about is we are again, one step closer to being done.
My thought is that by the beginning of 2014 all judgement will be filed and our case will officially be CLOSED...And at some point in my life, lawyer bills will be paid.
Our lives are back to being our lives.... I have extra time because I am not always thinking of this case, what could happen, what should happen, what might happen. I'm not dealing with lawyers. I literally didn't realize how much time it was taking up. Ellie has been able to be on a soccer team the last few months. She also just went through basketball tryouts. We have never been able to devote that much time to something and it is wonderful. I get the biggest thrill watching Ellie have fun and be carefree.
I thought I knew how horrible it was on my health - but I didn't know the extent it hurt me.
Now that it is nearly over, I feel better every day.
But, the biggest change is Ellie. She has changed...and all for the better. More care-free, not as anxious and 100% full of joy. That kid, all 50 pounds of her is pure joy. And it is contagious.
We fought a battle I was not willing to lose. It was hard, it was gut-wrenching, time-consuming, expensive and painful. On the other end of it we feel blessed.
Both of us know one thing for sure - we want to make sure there was a reason for it all. We have each pledged to give back. Ellie will one day help other kids going through this and I will try to do something to change our court systems.
We are blessed, we have each other. I have a girl bursting with JOY.
Mostly, we are happy it is nearly over.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
The End is in Sight
Our court battle (and, I do mean battle) has been over for just over 10 weeks and I still am finding it hard to sit and write the "ending"... For a while I thought it was because I didn't want to think about things. Then I thought maybe it was because I had a lot of other things going on in my life. Now I realize, It is because I want to do it justice and I am afraid I can't... The accumulation of YEARS of my life and my daughters life all came down to this one day... AND WE WON...
It was not a huge, grand finish, like I somewhat wanted. But, it is over. 100% over.
And, in writing it, I want to express every detail because it is crystal clear in my mind. And, I worry I will fail with that task.
Buckle up, and I will do the best I can do with the most important things I think you might want to know after this long journey...
Court was currently set for April but it turns out our first and most important witness, DJ, Ellie's therapist wasn't going to be in town. We made a motion to change the date and the next available was June 4.
At the beginning of May preparation for the trial got underway. More correspondences between my attorney and myself. So I wasn't taken too off guard when I got an email late May 15th.
Then I started reading.
DP's attorney was pulling out the case. He was saying he couldn't represent his client anymore for several reasons and wanted off the case. Apparently, you have to put in a request to be taken off, we (my side) have the right to argue, if we want, and then the judge decides whether that lawyer can be let go or not.
My attorney suggested not arguing, saying most of the time judges grant this particular motion. Waste of money and time to argue.
We continued to get ready: lists of questions for me, subpoenaing our witnesses, lists of questions for the witnesses (I am not entirely sure that is what you call them at this point, but that is what I am going with), etc.
Getting ready for this trial now wasn't as clear cut as before. Now, with DP representing himself, it was a crap shoot of what would happen. No legal guidelines would be followed by him.
Ellie had an appointment to meet with her lawyer, SH, to make sure SH was representing Ellie as clearly as possible. We sat, this time, in the big conference room. Chairs triple Ellie's size. 10 of them around a huge wooden table. Ellie, her lawyer and myself. Feeling small in a gigantic room. Ellie's lawyer, though big in spirit and personality, isn't much bigger than Ellie... I always feel huge next to the to two of them, but in this room, even felt small.
"I want to be there." Ellie said speaking of the court date that was approaching.
SH explained why that wasn't a good idea. I had done so about 3 dozen times, but Ellie's drive to have the judge really hear HER was strong. She wasn't letting it go.
SH, who is all of 85 pounds, a very petite young woman, really put her foot down after the third plea.
"Ellie, I will not allow you to be in the same room as your dad."
Ellie correct her with his name, instead of "your dad."
She then asked, is there anything you want to tell DP?
Ellie took the 8X11 yellow legal pad from SH's hands. She wrote "I HATE U" and set down the pen.
The room was eerily quiet.
Those are strong words.
In our house we don't use the word "hate."
25 cents in a jar, if you do. To Ellie those words are as serious as you get.
My little girl just stared straight ahead.
SH finally broke the silence. She asked if there was anything specific Ellie wanted her to tell the judge. Ellie asked if she could write the judge a letter. SH thought that was a great idea and said she would give that to me and Ellie for homework. We were there on a Wednesday and she'd like to have it by Friday.
"No," Ellie said. "I want to write it now."
Never one to stand in her way, SH suggested we take the legal pad and I transcribe as Ellie spoke. She'd excuse herself and be back in a bit.
Ellie started speaking.
The words that came from my little girl's mouth were intense. She spelled it out for Judge R. as if she were an eloquent woman with many more years of wisdom than she and I had together. She had obviously been thinking about what she would say and she was ready with words so powerful tears burned my eyes. Someday, if Ellie wants to share that letter, I will encourage her. It is not for me to do here.
Instead, it is for me to say our system is messed up. For any child to have to go through what Ellie has had to endure - not just the pain of what her own flesh and blood did to her - but what the judicial system continued to do to her time and time again, dragging this mess out, is ugly. It is hurtful and wrong and someday I hope to do something to change it.
We gave the letter to SH and I told her I hoped it was the last time I set foot in her office. She smiled and hugged us both and Ellie and I were on our way.
********
Just before you go to court, the lawyer(s) write a summary of what they are going to say to the Judge and the court and present it to the Judge prior to the actual hearing. I am not entirely sure of the hows and the whys behind this, but in my head it makes sense to re-familiarize the Judge with what has happened (the document also states the history of the case) and what is going to happen. I would assume people in that role see many cases and can't keep them all clear in their heads. Then it basically also states what our side is going to present. I think this gives the judges some time prior to court to think about what they are going to say...
Sitting with the pre-court documents from my lawyer and Ellie's lawyer a couple nights prior to our big day, my heart was so heavy. Just remembering what we had been through. And, also looking at all of the facts of this very clear cut case. The time, energy, money, pain, sweat and tears that had gone into all of this made no sense.
Sleep was no where to be found as I played every scenario over in my head for our next appearance in court.
The day finally came.
I was, of course, first to be there. Always had been in the past, why start anything different now.
DJ, Ellie's therapist came next. Then Ellie's attorney and finally mine.
CS (the person who said DP needed a psycho-sexual evaluation), our final witness was going to be showing up about an hour into the hearing.
DP... no where to be found.
Not there.
Court was on for a 9:30 start.
At 9:30, I knew in my heart, he wasn't coming.
As hard as I could, I pleaded with my lawyer to not let the Judge continue this. Of course, it was not in her hands, as none of it had been all along, and she agreed with me, but I was fearful that he would again say, "we will come back in 6 months..."
9:45, "will you please stand for the Honorable JR.".
I stood. Shaking.
My side was full.
The other side of the courtroom empty.
Judge R had us sit and started speaking.
I will paraphrase, "Amy Emery is here with her counsel... yada yada yada... DP is not here."
Then he looked at me. He said, "the court has wronged you and your daughter and we owe you a sincere apology. I am sorry you have had to go through so much to prove what you had been saying all along. I am sorry for your daughter, because I can't imagine what she has been through and I hope you will tell her I have said that. DP will have no rights to Ellie, no access, no medical records, no access to school records. He does not have the right to appeal."
I was a heaping pile of mush. It was over.
The words I had so longed to hear, were spoken.
The apology, though it didn't matter a whole lot, was even sincere. It was heart felt. He knew, to some degree, that he had made this terrible tragedy go on far too long.
The good news on the back end, is because it was so complex and painstakingly drug out, DP cannot appeal. Done. Shut. Case closed. Gavel hit.
I sat, and cried. They were tears of happiness and relief. Tears that had been building for years. Literally years.
Finally, I was able to come back to life a bit, hugs were given, congratulations were said and I felt happy.
That happiness had been seriously void from our lives for awhile. This fight, this battle was so hard and stressful. And though we weren't constantly in court, or constantly talking about it, it was at the root of our everyday. There was no way around that...
And, now it was over.
I drove straight to Ellie's school because I could not wait to tell her.
When I got to the front office, they called her out of her classroom and I stood in the hall.
As she rounded the corner she saw me and her gait slowed a bit. Of course she wasn't expecting me. She might have even been so busy in school work that she forgot was happening that day. She was surprised to see me standing there.
I bent down to be at her level - she was still many feet away from me.
"we won." I said.
"We won?" She asked back
"YES." I yelled, probably too loudly for a hallway.
Ellie sprinted toward me and barreled into my arms. I held her so tightly in that hallway and we both cried. Tears of joy this time. It had been awhile.
It was not a huge, grand finish, like I somewhat wanted. But, it is over. 100% over.
And, in writing it, I want to express every detail because it is crystal clear in my mind. And, I worry I will fail with that task.
Buckle up, and I will do the best I can do with the most important things I think you might want to know after this long journey...
Court was currently set for April but it turns out our first and most important witness, DJ, Ellie's therapist wasn't going to be in town. We made a motion to change the date and the next available was June 4.
At the beginning of May preparation for the trial got underway. More correspondences between my attorney and myself. So I wasn't taken too off guard when I got an email late May 15th.
Then I started reading.
DP's attorney was pulling out the case. He was saying he couldn't represent his client anymore for several reasons and wanted off the case. Apparently, you have to put in a request to be taken off, we (my side) have the right to argue, if we want, and then the judge decides whether that lawyer can be let go or not.
My attorney suggested not arguing, saying most of the time judges grant this particular motion. Waste of money and time to argue.
We continued to get ready: lists of questions for me, subpoenaing our witnesses, lists of questions for the witnesses (I am not entirely sure that is what you call them at this point, but that is what I am going with), etc.
Getting ready for this trial now wasn't as clear cut as before. Now, with DP representing himself, it was a crap shoot of what would happen. No legal guidelines would be followed by him.
Ellie had an appointment to meet with her lawyer, SH, to make sure SH was representing Ellie as clearly as possible. We sat, this time, in the big conference room. Chairs triple Ellie's size. 10 of them around a huge wooden table. Ellie, her lawyer and myself. Feeling small in a gigantic room. Ellie's lawyer, though big in spirit and personality, isn't much bigger than Ellie... I always feel huge next to the to two of them, but in this room, even felt small.
"I want to be there." Ellie said speaking of the court date that was approaching.
SH explained why that wasn't a good idea. I had done so about 3 dozen times, but Ellie's drive to have the judge really hear HER was strong. She wasn't letting it go.
SH, who is all of 85 pounds, a very petite young woman, really put her foot down after the third plea.
"Ellie, I will not allow you to be in the same room as your dad."
Ellie correct her with his name, instead of "your dad."
She then asked, is there anything you want to tell DP?
Ellie took the 8X11 yellow legal pad from SH's hands. She wrote "I HATE U" and set down the pen.
The room was eerily quiet.
Those are strong words.
In our house we don't use the word "hate."
25 cents in a jar, if you do. To Ellie those words are as serious as you get.
My little girl just stared straight ahead.
SH finally broke the silence. She asked if there was anything specific Ellie wanted her to tell the judge. Ellie asked if she could write the judge a letter. SH thought that was a great idea and said she would give that to me and Ellie for homework. We were there on a Wednesday and she'd like to have it by Friday.
"No," Ellie said. "I want to write it now."
Never one to stand in her way, SH suggested we take the legal pad and I transcribe as Ellie spoke. She'd excuse herself and be back in a bit.
Ellie started speaking.
The words that came from my little girl's mouth were intense. She spelled it out for Judge R. as if she were an eloquent woman with many more years of wisdom than she and I had together. She had obviously been thinking about what she would say and she was ready with words so powerful tears burned my eyes. Someday, if Ellie wants to share that letter, I will encourage her. It is not for me to do here.
Instead, it is for me to say our system is messed up. For any child to have to go through what Ellie has had to endure - not just the pain of what her own flesh and blood did to her - but what the judicial system continued to do to her time and time again, dragging this mess out, is ugly. It is hurtful and wrong and someday I hope to do something to change it.
We gave the letter to SH and I told her I hoped it was the last time I set foot in her office. She smiled and hugged us both and Ellie and I were on our way.
********
Just before you go to court, the lawyer(s) write a summary of what they are going to say to the Judge and the court and present it to the Judge prior to the actual hearing. I am not entirely sure of the hows and the whys behind this, but in my head it makes sense to re-familiarize the Judge with what has happened (the document also states the history of the case) and what is going to happen. I would assume people in that role see many cases and can't keep them all clear in their heads. Then it basically also states what our side is going to present. I think this gives the judges some time prior to court to think about what they are going to say...
Sitting with the pre-court documents from my lawyer and Ellie's lawyer a couple nights prior to our big day, my heart was so heavy. Just remembering what we had been through. And, also looking at all of the facts of this very clear cut case. The time, energy, money, pain, sweat and tears that had gone into all of this made no sense.
Sleep was no where to be found as I played every scenario over in my head for our next appearance in court.
The day finally came.
I was, of course, first to be there. Always had been in the past, why start anything different now.
DJ, Ellie's therapist came next. Then Ellie's attorney and finally mine.
CS (the person who said DP needed a psycho-sexual evaluation), our final witness was going to be showing up about an hour into the hearing.
DP... no where to be found.
Not there.
Court was on for a 9:30 start.
At 9:30, I knew in my heart, he wasn't coming.
As hard as I could, I pleaded with my lawyer to not let the Judge continue this. Of course, it was not in her hands, as none of it had been all along, and she agreed with me, but I was fearful that he would again say, "we will come back in 6 months..."
9:45, "will you please stand for the Honorable JR.".
I stood. Shaking.
My side was full.
The other side of the courtroom empty.
Judge R had us sit and started speaking.
I will paraphrase, "Amy Emery is here with her counsel... yada yada yada... DP is not here."
Then he looked at me. He said, "the court has wronged you and your daughter and we owe you a sincere apology. I am sorry you have had to go through so much to prove what you had been saying all along. I am sorry for your daughter, because I can't imagine what she has been through and I hope you will tell her I have said that. DP will have no rights to Ellie, no access, no medical records, no access to school records. He does not have the right to appeal."
I was a heaping pile of mush. It was over.
The words I had so longed to hear, were spoken.
The apology, though it didn't matter a whole lot, was even sincere. It was heart felt. He knew, to some degree, that he had made this terrible tragedy go on far too long.
The good news on the back end, is because it was so complex and painstakingly drug out, DP cannot appeal. Done. Shut. Case closed. Gavel hit.
I sat, and cried. They were tears of happiness and relief. Tears that had been building for years. Literally years.
Finally, I was able to come back to life a bit, hugs were given, congratulations were said and I felt happy.
That happiness had been seriously void from our lives for awhile. This fight, this battle was so hard and stressful. And though we weren't constantly in court, or constantly talking about it, it was at the root of our everyday. There was no way around that...
And, now it was over.
I drove straight to Ellie's school because I could not wait to tell her.
When I got to the front office, they called her out of her classroom and I stood in the hall.
As she rounded the corner she saw me and her gait slowed a bit. Of course she wasn't expecting me. She might have even been so busy in school work that she forgot was happening that day. She was surprised to see me standing there.
I bent down to be at her level - she was still many feet away from me.
"we won." I said.
"We won?" She asked back
"YES." I yelled, probably too loudly for a hallway.
Ellie sprinted toward me and barreled into my arms. I held her so tightly in that hallway and we both cried. Tears of joy this time. It had been awhile.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
A Fit Parent
Note from Amy:
I went to write a new blog today (June 8th) and I found this as a draft. I remember clearly writing it the day of our last court meeting and I remember I decided not to post it because I thought it was too negative. I left it as a draft to come back to and walked away. I'll publish it now ... and work on the update as well.
So, the following took place in December 2012:
With a cautious head and heart I went to court today.
I had not slept last night, knowing that today was a big day in our lives and not having a ton of hope. I had been down this road before. The road that said, "next time will be his last chance."
To summarize where we were:
- there have always been issues about DP and his treatment of Ellie (mental and emotional)
- in June of 2010 Ellie bravely came forward saying she had been sexually abused by DP. Not just once, but several times
- we have been going to court Ellie's entire life
- DP has not seen Ellie since June 2010
- Ellie was admitted to a hospital for suicidal ideation after the judge decided to grant DP supervised visitation (we ended up going back and the Judge, taking into account Ellie's state, redid the order)
- since then the case has officially been turned over to a psychologist who would have to interview me, DP and Ellie
- the interview of me was fine
- the interview of DP was not. He was ordered to get psycho-sexual testing and cognitive behavioral testing before the psychologist would entertain the thought of subjecting Ellie to more (ie even meeting the psychologist)
- DP has not come up with the money to do the testing, but we continue to have "check-ins" with the court
- Ellie maintains her desire to NOT have DP a part of her life
Today:
DP STILL had not paid his fees and he had not gotten testing done. That was his update.
Oh, but wait... there is more...
Last time we had a check-in, he had $2100 of the $2500 saved for testing. Now, he explained that he had just had his car repossessed and he had to pay to get it out. So, now he was down to $1000. His lawyer went on to explain that DP only made a small amount of money per paycheck and he (the lawyer) believed he would never honestly make enough to hire someone to do the testing.
Thus, they were asking for a trial.
We have never had a trial. We have been set a couple of times for one. Witnesses there, questions and answers ready.
Here we are nearly 2 1/2 years post sexual abuse and there has not been a trial. Yet, we have been dragging through the mud the entire time.
Ellie has officially been released from her counselor. She has not had to hear about DP or see him so she has been coping very well.
Her anxiety, just a little more pronounced as we approach a check-in.
I sat in awe, shaking my head in my hands as the words, "we would like a trial" came from his lawyer's lips.
To think that this thing would drag on again was mind-blowing. I could not begin to grasp it.
The Judge explained that should DP lose he would have to pay my lawyer fees and he would give up all his parenting rights.
I believe that was meant to be of solace to me.
Lawyer fees.
By this time, paying for 2 lawyers, Ellie's and mine, we could have bought a small island. Perhaps sent her to college several times over. Did the Judge actually think that saying he would make DP pay my attorney fees would make me feel better? If the man could not come up with the money to get this testing done, for fuck sake, would I actually see a penny? I have seen a ridiculously low amount of child support. What would make this different?
The question was asked again, "are you sure you want to go to trial?"
Here is the deal... his low-life attorney is working for free. It is on court records that that is the case. So, what does DP have to lose to going on? If he found the money to take the tests and didn't pass (99% likely the case if he would go through testing) then it would be over.
The other option is to prolong everything. Make Ellie and me suffer. That way, he is still in our lives, still causing harm, still making both of our lives miserable. If at the end of that... which would be several months in the future, he still loses, at least he had dug his nasty claws into us for a bit more time.
"yes, we want a trial." his Lawyer said.
"then we will have a trial. we will schedule it for a full day," said the Judge.
The flood gates opened and I felt every single ounce of hope leave my body.
My lawyer looked at me and whispered "it is okay, we will talk." as I tried to get myself together.
As I sat in the quiet while a trial date was picked (April 11th for those keeping track), I tried to fathom what kind of a person did this. The cost of the trial had been talked about. DP knows full well I will never see a dime of what I am spending. The fact that this trial would be hard on Ellie was brought up by her lawyer SH and agreed upon by the Judge. SH explained that she had just seen Ellie and she had expressed a tremendous fear toward DP and steadfast desire NOT to see him again.
The Judge said, "yes, we have to remember how hard this must be on her as it has been going on for awhile now."
And yet... here we were dragging it out again.
DP's lawyer threw my name in the mud, saying I had had 2 1/2 years to plant seeds with Ellie. To say horrible things about DP and make her never want to see him again.
Little does he realize, I try to avert her attention when he is brought up. That the last thing I want in my house is to talk about him and that actually I have spent the better part of 2 1/2 years trying to help Ellie understand that it was nothing she did and that things would be okay.
And yet... here we are with another 4 months of waiting. Of this hanging over our heads and of the torture of it not being closed.
And so we go about preparing for a trial. Witnesses to ask. Questions to ready. Explanations for Ellie to figure out.
Who will he have to testify at the trial? Those who come will have to speak about how Ellie would benefit by seeing him now. They would have to testify to him being a good, fit parent.
These things are marred by the obvious. But, also hindered by the fact that he chose to not fund the testing. That even though it was ordered, he has decided not to do it. It will be hindered by the fact that upon knowing he had to pay for testing to clear his name and what he has been rightfully accused of, he instead paid for a car (or so the story goes). You can be sure that if I were accused I would take a bus, walk, start riding my bus to see my daughter or to get my name cleared if I really hadn't done it.
I can't help but wonder... who is this trial set for? Certainly not for my daughter. Because I know her well enough to know this is doing her no good. I know her well enough to know that there is nothing between now and then that will change her fear. That will change what has happened. That will change how deeply those scars run.
I know that actually the only thing it does is take time we could have enjoying freedom away. That it takes away yet more resources we could use to send her to summer camp, an after school program, or to save for a college fund.
The only one who wins today is a man who has already stolen the innocence of his own flesh and blood.
And, really, in my eyes, that is a loss for everyone.
I went to write a new blog today (June 8th) and I found this as a draft. I remember clearly writing it the day of our last court meeting and I remember I decided not to post it because I thought it was too negative. I left it as a draft to come back to and walked away. I'll publish it now ... and work on the update as well.
So, the following took place in December 2012:
With a cautious head and heart I went to court today.
I had not slept last night, knowing that today was a big day in our lives and not having a ton of hope. I had been down this road before. The road that said, "next time will be his last chance."
To summarize where we were:
- there have always been issues about DP and his treatment of Ellie (mental and emotional)
- in June of 2010 Ellie bravely came forward saying she had been sexually abused by DP. Not just once, but several times
- we have been going to court Ellie's entire life
- DP has not seen Ellie since June 2010
- Ellie was admitted to a hospital for suicidal ideation after the judge decided to grant DP supervised visitation (we ended up going back and the Judge, taking into account Ellie's state, redid the order)
- since then the case has officially been turned over to a psychologist who would have to interview me, DP and Ellie
- the interview of me was fine
- the interview of DP was not. He was ordered to get psycho-sexual testing and cognitive behavioral testing before the psychologist would entertain the thought of subjecting Ellie to more (ie even meeting the psychologist)
- DP has not come up with the money to do the testing, but we continue to have "check-ins" with the court
- Ellie maintains her desire to NOT have DP a part of her life
Today:
DP STILL had not paid his fees and he had not gotten testing done. That was his update.
Oh, but wait... there is more...
Last time we had a check-in, he had $2100 of the $2500 saved for testing. Now, he explained that he had just had his car repossessed and he had to pay to get it out. So, now he was down to $1000. His lawyer went on to explain that DP only made a small amount of money per paycheck and he (the lawyer) believed he would never honestly make enough to hire someone to do the testing.
Thus, they were asking for a trial.
We have never had a trial. We have been set a couple of times for one. Witnesses there, questions and answers ready.
Here we are nearly 2 1/2 years post sexual abuse and there has not been a trial. Yet, we have been dragging through the mud the entire time.
Ellie has officially been released from her counselor. She has not had to hear about DP or see him so she has been coping very well.
Her anxiety, just a little more pronounced as we approach a check-in.
I sat in awe, shaking my head in my hands as the words, "we would like a trial" came from his lawyer's lips.
To think that this thing would drag on again was mind-blowing. I could not begin to grasp it.
The Judge explained that should DP lose he would have to pay my lawyer fees and he would give up all his parenting rights.
I believe that was meant to be of solace to me.
Lawyer fees.
By this time, paying for 2 lawyers, Ellie's and mine, we could have bought a small island. Perhaps sent her to college several times over. Did the Judge actually think that saying he would make DP pay my attorney fees would make me feel better? If the man could not come up with the money to get this testing done, for fuck sake, would I actually see a penny? I have seen a ridiculously low amount of child support. What would make this different?
The question was asked again, "are you sure you want to go to trial?"
Here is the deal... his low-life attorney is working for free. It is on court records that that is the case. So, what does DP have to lose to going on? If he found the money to take the tests and didn't pass (99% likely the case if he would go through testing) then it would be over.
The other option is to prolong everything. Make Ellie and me suffer. That way, he is still in our lives, still causing harm, still making both of our lives miserable. If at the end of that... which would be several months in the future, he still loses, at least he had dug his nasty claws into us for a bit more time.
"yes, we want a trial." his Lawyer said.
"then we will have a trial. we will schedule it for a full day," said the Judge.
The flood gates opened and I felt every single ounce of hope leave my body.
My lawyer looked at me and whispered "it is okay, we will talk." as I tried to get myself together.
As I sat in the quiet while a trial date was picked (April 11th for those keeping track), I tried to fathom what kind of a person did this. The cost of the trial had been talked about. DP knows full well I will never see a dime of what I am spending. The fact that this trial would be hard on Ellie was brought up by her lawyer SH and agreed upon by the Judge. SH explained that she had just seen Ellie and she had expressed a tremendous fear toward DP and steadfast desire NOT to see him again.
The Judge said, "yes, we have to remember how hard this must be on her as it has been going on for awhile now."
And yet... here we were dragging it out again.
DP's lawyer threw my name in the mud, saying I had had 2 1/2 years to plant seeds with Ellie. To say horrible things about DP and make her never want to see him again.
Little does he realize, I try to avert her attention when he is brought up. That the last thing I want in my house is to talk about him and that actually I have spent the better part of 2 1/2 years trying to help Ellie understand that it was nothing she did and that things would be okay.
And yet... here we are with another 4 months of waiting. Of this hanging over our heads and of the torture of it not being closed.
And so we go about preparing for a trial. Witnesses to ask. Questions to ready. Explanations for Ellie to figure out.
Who will he have to testify at the trial? Those who come will have to speak about how Ellie would benefit by seeing him now. They would have to testify to him being a good, fit parent.
These things are marred by the obvious. But, also hindered by the fact that he chose to not fund the testing. That even though it was ordered, he has decided not to do it. It will be hindered by the fact that upon knowing he had to pay for testing to clear his name and what he has been rightfully accused of, he instead paid for a car (or so the story goes). You can be sure that if I were accused I would take a bus, walk, start riding my bus to see my daughter or to get my name cleared if I really hadn't done it.
I can't help but wonder... who is this trial set for? Certainly not for my daughter. Because I know her well enough to know this is doing her no good. I know her well enough to know that there is nothing between now and then that will change her fear. That will change what has happened. That will change how deeply those scars run.
I know that actually the only thing it does is take time we could have enjoying freedom away. That it takes away yet more resources we could use to send her to summer camp, an after school program, or to save for a college fund.
The only one who wins today is a man who has already stolen the innocence of his own flesh and blood.
And, really, in my eyes, that is a loss for everyone.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Preparing
Yesterday we met with Ellie's lawyer. I am hoping this was the last time.
I am forever amazed by two things -
- the depth for which her lawyer cares for her
- the gut-wrenching things that go through my daughter's head
Her lawyer, SH, has a new office. As we drove over, Ellie expressed her anxiety over the possibility of DP's lawyer, or DP himself, being there and/or listening to her talk to SH. She told me how she wished we were meeting at our house, which we had done a couple times in the past.
Selfishly, I had opted for an office visit, knowing it would be about 1/3 of the price when the bill came and I was kicking myself for that as we drove. The comfort and ease of Ellie was certainly worth the pain of a higher bill.
SH had a therapy dog in her new office and I felt that perhaps Ellie would ease up. Ellie loves dogs. This one was a giant soft black poodle. The meeting started with getting to know the dog and Ellie relaxing a bit. She was down on the floor petting the pup and talking about school this year, her new hairdo and life in general at the ripe age of 8.
I told SH about Ellie's concern and SH explained in words that Ellie could clearly understand that DP and his lawyer were no where around. She tried to put Ellie at ease. I could tell that she was still guarded, but was starting to feel better.
SH had her legal assistant come in. She told us that her legal assistant had a daughter Ellie's age and they spoke about shared interests.
More layers of anxiety being stripped away.
As the legal assistant got down on the floor with Ellie, I got tears in my eyes (no one who knows me would be surprised by this) when I saw the amount of love for my little girl in the room.
Next thing I know, SH, the lawyer, in heels and a pencil skirt nonetheless, was down on the floor with the two of them doing a crab walk. Ellie did the crab walk too and then a back bend and asked if SH could follow suit. She tried. I cried. It was settling down in the office just as things were heating up.
Then it was time to dig in.
The reason we were there.
Court is quickly approaching and as we get ready, SH wanted to check to see if Ellie felt the same as she had previously about DP.
As SH continued to refer to him as "her dad", Ellie, not correcting her, but simply referring to him as DP. She refuses to call him her dad.
"Ellie, I need to know how you are feeling about things right now. Do you have any interest in a relationship with your dad."
"I never want to see DP again. I don't want to talk about him, I don't want to know he is alive. I never want him near me. He hurt me and I don't want him to do it again."
Biting my lip so Ellie doesn't see the tears, I turned my head away slightly.
Ellie expressed fear about DP coming to get her. In our house, our neighborhood, her school. It broke my heart. I had no idea she was worried about that. I knew she had been stressed about it in the past... but not currently. It broke my heart.
Ellie and SH spoke about what we were expecting at our day in court and Ellie asked a few more questions.
Then, before we left, SH and Ellie tried to see who could make the best animal noises, talks of gingerbread houses were had and Christmas movies were talked about.
As I put her to bed last night, I could tell Ellie was very pensive. I asked her what was going on in her head. I'm worried what will happen next week, she said.
I am too, I thought.
Sadly, in the manual of raising a child, this is not handled. I had no idea if I should share those feelings or put on a brave face.
"I am too." I said honestly.
I continued to tell her that I would not let anything happen. Regardless of what the judge said next week. And the reality is that even if the judge does not say the case is over, which, God willing, WILL happen, we still have a very long trial ahead. But, that is hard to remember. An end would mean so much to both of us. It is what we both so desperately want and need. The end would mean a beginning.
I am forever amazed by two things -
- the depth for which her lawyer cares for her
- the gut-wrenching things that go through my daughter's head
Her lawyer, SH, has a new office. As we drove over, Ellie expressed her anxiety over the possibility of DP's lawyer, or DP himself, being there and/or listening to her talk to SH. She told me how she wished we were meeting at our house, which we had done a couple times in the past.
Selfishly, I had opted for an office visit, knowing it would be about 1/3 of the price when the bill came and I was kicking myself for that as we drove. The comfort and ease of Ellie was certainly worth the pain of a higher bill.
SH had a therapy dog in her new office and I felt that perhaps Ellie would ease up. Ellie loves dogs. This one was a giant soft black poodle. The meeting started with getting to know the dog and Ellie relaxing a bit. She was down on the floor petting the pup and talking about school this year, her new hairdo and life in general at the ripe age of 8.
I told SH about Ellie's concern and SH explained in words that Ellie could clearly understand that DP and his lawyer were no where around. She tried to put Ellie at ease. I could tell that she was still guarded, but was starting to feel better.
SH had her legal assistant come in. She told us that her legal assistant had a daughter Ellie's age and they spoke about shared interests.
More layers of anxiety being stripped away.
As the legal assistant got down on the floor with Ellie, I got tears in my eyes (no one who knows me would be surprised by this) when I saw the amount of love for my little girl in the room.
Next thing I know, SH, the lawyer, in heels and a pencil skirt nonetheless, was down on the floor with the two of them doing a crab walk. Ellie did the crab walk too and then a back bend and asked if SH could follow suit. She tried. I cried. It was settling down in the office just as things were heating up.
Then it was time to dig in.
The reason we were there.
Court is quickly approaching and as we get ready, SH wanted to check to see if Ellie felt the same as she had previously about DP.
As SH continued to refer to him as "her dad", Ellie, not correcting her, but simply referring to him as DP. She refuses to call him her dad.
"Ellie, I need to know how you are feeling about things right now. Do you have any interest in a relationship with your dad."
"I never want to see DP again. I don't want to talk about him, I don't want to know he is alive. I never want him near me. He hurt me and I don't want him to do it again."
Biting my lip so Ellie doesn't see the tears, I turned my head away slightly.
Ellie expressed fear about DP coming to get her. In our house, our neighborhood, her school. It broke my heart. I had no idea she was worried about that. I knew she had been stressed about it in the past... but not currently. It broke my heart.
Ellie and SH spoke about what we were expecting at our day in court and Ellie asked a few more questions.
Then, before we left, SH and Ellie tried to see who could make the best animal noises, talks of gingerbread houses were had and Christmas movies were talked about.
As I put her to bed last night, I could tell Ellie was very pensive. I asked her what was going on in her head. I'm worried what will happen next week, she said.
I am too, I thought.
Sadly, in the manual of raising a child, this is not handled. I had no idea if I should share those feelings or put on a brave face.
"I am too." I said honestly.
I continued to tell her that I would not let anything happen. Regardless of what the judge said next week. And the reality is that even if the judge does not say the case is over, which, God willing, WILL happen, we still have a very long trial ahead. But, that is hard to remember. An end would mean so much to both of us. It is what we both so desperately want and need. The end would mean a beginning.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
And Again
The next hearing was over the phone. In Mid-April, I met my lawyer in her office.
On the phone was my Lawyer, Ellie's Lawyer, DP's Lawyer, the Judge and me. Correct, no DP. Apparently he had other things that took precedence. At this time, JR asked what the latest was. DP's side had nothing to give.
They pleaded with the Judge for more time.
"Afterall," said JPB (DP's lawyer), "he hasn't seen his daughter in nearly 2 years."
The defense didn't make sense to me. None of this made sense to me. We were nearly 2 years out from DP sexually abusing Ellie (which DP continued to deny), we were nearly 8 years out from the court case starting in the first place.
Ellie's therapist she had been seeing since the sexual abuse, was willing, able and ready to testify, but we had not been heard. There had never been actual testimony given.
The Judge granted him 6 more months to come up with the money.
Gut... dropped. Heart... broken.
At this point the Judge got off the phone while the lawyers stayed on. At that time Ellie's lawyer asked if DP was going to soon start paying child support. DP's lawyer had said that he was gainfully employed and that is how he would be able to come up with money to pay for the tests.
DP's lawyer actually laughed that question off. "She doesn't need child care," he said. "Come on, there are more important things."
How I wish I hadn't heard that.
It saddened me what this case had come down to...
***********
This time for Ellie was possibly one of the worst I can remember. She was having trouble at school because her teacher was very adamant about all of the children making something for Father's Day. It was a hard thing to get through. I talked to the teacher a couple times (she was a long-term sub) and Ellie FINALLY got to make something for someone else in her family. But, as the other children celebrated their father's Ellie wanted to hide.
She became horribly reclusive. We canceled many appointments and dates because she wanted to be at home. I was okay with it as I only wanted what was best and frankly, easiest for her. We had weathered the storm before and I knew it would not last.
In the summer Ellie was plain and simple ready to be done with the case. She woke nearly every morning asking if she could just talk to the Judge. I couldn't imagine how she felt. She just wanted to be heard. For HER voice to matter. After all, wasn't this about Ellie?
At least it should have been.
I called SH, her lawyer, and asked if it were possible. Judge's don't like little kids to testify. She would have had to do it in front of DP and people get a little worried about the long term affect on kids. Who knows what he would have said, how he would have responded, etc. It would have also been possible to have her back in chambers. Ellie, my lawyer, her lawyer, DP's lawyer and the Judge. But, in order to do this, DP would have had to agree to that. And, he didn't.
SH suggested writing a letter to CS. CS currently had the case and was the one instructing DP to save money to get tested (psycho-sexual testing and cognitive behavioral testing). She would make recommendations to the Judge as the Judge now felt like he couldn't (or didn't want to) rule on this case.
Ellie was ecstatic about the idea of the letter. She wanted to be heard, and if this was the way, then so be it.
She quickly sat and penned a letter. I told her how to spell Dr. Sabin's name and how to write the word "sincerely" and then I jumped in the shower. I wanted everything to come from her. None of my words, only Ellie's.
The product was gut-wrenching.
Ellie's heart and soul were on that page. She did not want to be associated with DP in the least. She explained what had happened. She asked for the fight to be over. She was direct and to the point, but made so many valid statements that I could not believe the power.
We had a meeting set up with SH and I took the letter. With Ellie's permission, we showed it to SH.
As she read, tears filled her eyes.
She explained that perhaps we could go to court with this. It was her idea. Why not try to get Ellie what Ellie wants. Had we been fighting incorrectly all along? Had the focus been on what was good for me or good for DP and not for Ellie?
Now my head was muddled and I thought perhaps we had gone about this all incorrectly. After all, this was about the sweet 8 year old whose life had been so poorly affected.
As I thought more though, I realized I was fighting for the same thing she was.
SH sent the letter to CS.
CS's reply was that Ellie needed to be heard. She said there was no way Ellie would be ready to see DP in the near future, if ever.
SH soon got back to me and after much thought we couldn't go to court. It was my motion to keep DP away from her. If SH took this to court, it would be Ellie fighting me. That would mean that I, personally, would have to take down my court case (the one that said her dad would have no further rights to her) and Ellie's case (that Ellie wished to no longer see him) would go forward.
In the end, we decided it was not best. IF the Judge did not rule in Ellie's favor, she would be unprotected as we would have taken down my court case. There was no way I was going to go for that. So, we settled on continuing forward and WAITING.
Ellie's spirit and mood soon got better. She was thriving in the summer. Happy and somewhat carefree.
************
October brought another day in court.
I had stopped myself from getting my hopes up ... there was not a ton of hope after battling this for so long.
This time, it was (again) suppose to be DP's last chance. He should have been coming to court with the money paid and the testing done.
I wish I could say it surprised me when he came to court and had not done anything.
I wish I could say it surprised me when the Judge said we would give him more time. 2 months, to be exact.
It didn't. At this point, it was par for the course.
It was more of the Judge and the legal system dragging this event out entirely too long. It was more expense when really all of that money should be going to Ellie. It was more heart-ache and uncertainty for a little girl who has already been through too much.
We laid the case out for the Judge and DP's lawyer piped in that he had saved some money. He claimed to have $2100 at this point, quite frankly, a number, I believe, he pulled out of his ass. The Judge immediately said he had 2 more months to get it together.
My lawyer and Ellie's lawyer both vehemently objected. The Judge said NEXT time would be the last time... Oh, how I wish I could cling to those words.
But then, something happened that was a first.
The Judge said to DP that he (DP) needed to do some serious thinking. He continued that this case was going to go one of two ways. Either DP would spend the money, do the tests and fail and not be able to see Ellie again because of that. OR, he would do the tests, pass and still be stuck because Ellie had no interest in seeing him. He said that at this point, maybe it was best that DP walk away. The Judge said (FINALLY) perhaps it was best for Ellie to be done with this. (so, let's be done!)
He continued to explain that the money could just be a HUGE waste- either way it wasn't looking good. And, if he did pass the tests, we had a case to go through, which would be further expense... (picture me dying inside).
He then paused and asked DP what he thought.
"That is tough," DP said, brightly (sorry!).
"It is just that ..." DP tried to continue.
"I am not interested in hearing testimony," the Judge cut him off.
Pause.
"I'll have to consult my lawyer." DP said.
"Fine. If you make a decision to walk, please let everyone know so we can cancel this next date and save everyone time." said the Judge.
And that was that. Case, for the moment, was closed again.
And so, we wait... as we have for well over 2 years since the sexual abuse happened. And for nearly 8 years since the case was opened. We wait to see what is next.
My lawyer feels very good about what she heard at the end. She feels that it was JR saying how he would rule if, in fact, this ever went to trial.
I refuse to have much hope. I have been down the road of hope before and it always ends with a punch in the gut.
That being said, Ellie and I are living our lives outside of the shadow of this horrible event. We are choosing to live rather than to fear. It is a good thing.
But having an end in December would be the best of all.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
The New Year
* This occurred January 2012
When the Judge continued to put off a decision, it was disheartening. Many people said, "how great to not have to deal with it for another X months..."
Fill in the blank for the "X"... while we had been through the process it had been 1, it had been 6, it currently was 4.
If only it were that easy.
Sure, we didn't have another court case, we didn't have to see the Judge, I didn't have to take out my "lawyer suit." But on other hand, we didn't get a court case, we didn't get to see the Judge and I didn't get to take out my "lawyer suit."
It was hard to not be heard. It was gut-wrenching to continue waiting. Exhausting. The thought of things continuing was always on our heads. Even though we didn't speak of it directly.
Waiting.
We would go back on April 18th.
When the Judge continued to put off a decision, it was disheartening. Many people said, "how great to not have to deal with it for another X months..."
Fill in the blank for the "X"... while we had been through the process it had been 1, it had been 6, it currently was 4.
If only it were that easy.
Sure, we didn't have another court case, we didn't have to see the Judge, I didn't have to take out my "lawyer suit." But on other hand, we didn't get a court case, we didn't get to see the Judge and I didn't get to take out my "lawyer suit."
It was hard to not be heard. It was gut-wrenching to continue waiting. Exhausting. The thought of things continuing was always on our heads. Even though we didn't speak of it directly.
Waiting.
We would go back on April 18th.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
The Year Ends and Things Start Happening
* The following events occurred December 2011.
It was time to go back to court. Mid-December and our side hadn't heard anything. I wasn't going to be caught off guard, however, if DP had come up with the other $400 he needed. I was ready. His side liked to sneak things in last minute. It wouldn't be the end anyway. We would just head to see Dr CS.
Sure enough, the day of court was nothing else than the lawyers talking to the Judge. (a time and money suck) DP had come up with the money. I was somewhat excited. My feeling was, let's have someone else listen to how crazy this whole thing was and get things moving.
Dr. CS wanted to meet with DP first, then me, and then Ellie. Ellie was excited. She wanted to be heard and felt this was a step forward.
My meeting was one week after DP's. She didn't tell me how his went. I walked in with my folder of things that had occurred, now about 2 inches thick. I knew everything like the back of my hand. Where to find documents, what the key dates were, etc. I had lived this. I was not worried.
The interview was scattered, in my opinion. I had been drilled and questioned before, but Dr CS had no rhyme or reason to go from one topic to another to another and back. My head was spinning a bit trying to figure out where she was going.
When I got a minute to think about things after, I believe she did this purposefully. To see if I was making things up, to see if I would get tripped up on statements made and then double back on things. It was brilliant, when you think about it.
I got a call a couple days later. My lawyer.
Ellie's appointment was going to be canceled. She didn't need to meet with Dr. CS.
DP's one-hour with her had been enough for her. She wanted him to have some testing done. This would consist of two things... Psychosexual testing and a Cognitive Assessment.
She said that there was no point in having Ellie go through any more until we got the results back.
The tests cost a total of $2500. He would have to pay.
And, again, we were at a standstill until he did.
It was time to go back to court. Mid-December and our side hadn't heard anything. I wasn't going to be caught off guard, however, if DP had come up with the other $400 he needed. I was ready. His side liked to sneak things in last minute. It wouldn't be the end anyway. We would just head to see Dr CS.
Sure enough, the day of court was nothing else than the lawyers talking to the Judge. (a time and money suck) DP had come up with the money. I was somewhat excited. My feeling was, let's have someone else listen to how crazy this whole thing was and get things moving.
Dr. CS wanted to meet with DP first, then me, and then Ellie. Ellie was excited. She wanted to be heard and felt this was a step forward.
My meeting was one week after DP's. She didn't tell me how his went. I walked in with my folder of things that had occurred, now about 2 inches thick. I knew everything like the back of my hand. Where to find documents, what the key dates were, etc. I had lived this. I was not worried.
The interview was scattered, in my opinion. I had been drilled and questioned before, but Dr CS had no rhyme or reason to go from one topic to another to another and back. My head was spinning a bit trying to figure out where she was going.
When I got a minute to think about things after, I believe she did this purposefully. To see if I was making things up, to see if I would get tripped up on statements made and then double back on things. It was brilliant, when you think about it.
I got a call a couple days later. My lawyer.
Ellie's appointment was going to be canceled. She didn't need to meet with Dr. CS.
DP's one-hour with her had been enough for her. She wanted him to have some testing done. This would consist of two things... Psychosexual testing and a Cognitive Assessment.
She said that there was no point in having Ellie go through any more until we got the results back.
The tests cost a total of $2500. He would have to pay.
And, again, we were at a standstill until he did.
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